Apologies And Forgiveness Through The Lens Of Reality

This is a radical breakdown of the many layers of apologies and forgiveness. Apologies are often given without intention or meaning. Forgiveness is sought externally when it is really about us needing to forgive ourselves. Exploring these nuanced layers gives us additional information to grow our apologies into their intended purpose. Music by Narek Mirzaei, Relaxation (8 Hz).

Transcript

Hi, I'm Tiffany, And welcome to Life Unedited Sanctuary. Life unedited is the practice of radical acceptance of life at face value. What is. Is. Today, I'm going to be sharing some radical reality therapy thoughts on apologizing and forgiveness. Apologies are for the person apologizing, Not the person receiving them, For a couple of reasons. First, We apologize to assuage our own guilt or embarrassment for our chosen behavior or reaction. So we say I'm sorry to someone outside of ourselves, Except that people are mirrors for us. So in essence, We are speaking about ourselves to ourselves. On that note, Are apologies worthwhile? I mean, They're nice to receive, I suppose. We have to remember they are all projections of the speaker and no communication is personal. Apologies can also be like compliments. Though they are a projection, We can accept them because the speaker is sharing a nicety about themselves with us, Like a gift. Second, Apologizing can be a form of manipulation. We usually go into an apology with an expectation that at the very least, The person will accept our apology, And at the most, That they will forgive us. We can cross an apology boundary when we word it in such a way as to elicit an apology back. This can also be deemed gaslighting, Which is projecting responsibility onto the person receiving the apology and trying to bring them to our level by making them feel bad. That feels like it needs further explanation. Trying to bring them to our level. We feel some type of way about what we said or how we behaved. Maybe we feel guilty or embarrassed. Either way, Ego doesn't like it. When we go into the apology, The power dynamic feels unbalanced. So gaslighting serves to level that dynamic by dragging the other person down. There are times when we apologize, Where we resort to explaining ourselves to such an extent that we over-explain. This can be seen as rationalizing, Justifying, Or attempting to excuse our behavior. It is important to keep apologies simple. I'm sorry for. . . Dot dot dot, My behavior, My words, And how it affected you. I will not behave that way or say those things in the future. And mean it. An apology that involves a but is not an apology. Period. I'm sorry but is a deflection projection. It is shirking responsibility and accountability, Thereby deflecting and projecting it onto someone outside of ourselves. But has its place in language, And for the most part it is incorrectly used. But negates whatever precedes it. I'm sorry but negates the I'm sorry. The best option is AND. I'm sorry and I take responsibility. I feel badly for. It won't happen again are some examples. Forgiveness is often part of an expectation of an apology. To reiterate, All communication is a projection and people outside of ourself are mirrors for us. This said, We are really apologizing to ourselves. We are seeking forgiveness from ourselves. We have been domesticated to seek external forgiveness, Oftentimes from our religious practices growing up. In many of those belief systems, There is a middle person. In my life, It was Catholicism. And the middle person was the priest I was taught to confess my sins to. I don't want to step on any toes around religion. That is absolutely subjective from person to person. I do, However, Encourage us to pay close attention to our need for external validation, Which includes forgiveness. Practice self-validation and self-forgiveness. Over apologizing does not make a single, Meaningful, Intentional apology better. In fact, Just the opposite. Apologizing over and over is like reinfecting, Pouring salt into, Or reopening the wound. What about apologizing for the same thing over and over? We all know that person who is incessantly late. Chances are, We have just come to expect and accept that that is part of their MO. I currently have two clients who are always late to their appointments, And both of them apologize for their tardiness every time they arrive. And every time they arrive apologizing, I remind them that their apologies have lost their meaning because they have yet to change their behavior. If we aren't going to change the behavior we're apologizing for, Then just stop apologizing. Own the behavior and lead with it. Another thing about apologizing for the same thing over and over, It's a way to make ourselves feel small by apologizing for ourselves. We could be doing this because we feel like we're not enough, Like we are a victim of our behavior rather than responsible for choosing it. We also could be doing it to elicit sympathy from our listener, Wanting the other person to feel bad for us, Which is a subtle form of manipulation. This could be a radical way of reframing apologies, And I hope I've shared some new things for you as a listener to consider. A goal would be to strive to behave in a way that we don't have to apologize for. If we do apologize, Keep it simple and intentional. Take responsibility for our words or actions, Learn from the situation, Be graceful with ourselves, And make better choices moving forward.