Welcome to day four of the Break Your Habits Challenge here on Insight Timer.
We all have things we keep doing,
Even when we wish we wouldn't.
This is your time to understand these patterns and find ways to hopefully do things differently.
Let's jump into today's session.
Welcome to the Break Your Patterns Challenge.
I'm Terry Cole.
I'm a psychotherapist and a global relationship and empowerment expert,
And I've spent decades helping people create healthier relationships by learning how to communicate clearly,
Set boundaries,
And stop over-functioning.
Today,
We're talking about something that so many of us do without even realizing we're doing it,
Over-explaining.
Now I know you know what I mean.
You say no and then immediately launch into a 10 minute explanation about why.
You make a simple request and then soften it with an apology or two or three.
Someone asks you a question and instead of answering it simply,
You give them the backstory,
The context,
The history,
Maybe a couple of footnotes for good measure,
And later you think,
Why did I say all of that?
If you've ever found yourself doing this,
I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.
There's a reason you learn to communicate this way.
And today we're going to practice doing something different.
So why we over explain?
Here's what I want you to understand.
Overexplaining is usually not about needing to provide more information.
It's about trying to manage someone else's response to what you've said.
And that distinction is really,
Really important.
Because underneath that wall of words,
All the extra words that we use,
There's often a belief that your original statement isn't enough on its own.
Maybe you learned somewhere along the way that saying no wasn't safe,
And maybe it wasn't.
Maybe you learned that people got angry,
Or disappointed,
Or acted withdrawn.
Or maybe they became critical when you had a preference that didn't match theirs.
Maybe you were rewarded for being accommodating.
Right?
We all learned,
We were all indoctrinated into the cult of nice.
Or maybe you simply became good at anticipating other people's needs and emotions.
So now when you say something that might disappoint someone,
Your nervous system says,
Wait a minute,
Wait a minute.
We need to make sure they understand.
We need to make sure they're not mad.
We need to make sure that they know that I'm a good person.
And suddenly one sentence becomes seven or multiple paragraphs.
That is over-functioning.
It's like you're doing more emotional labor than is actually yours to do.
And here's the part that gets confusing.
The more you explain.
.
.
The more you can accidentally communicate that your decision is negotiable.
Right,
You say,
I'm sorry,
I can't come because I've had such a crazy week and I really wish I could had I been so overwhelmed.
And the other person hears,
There's a case here that I might be able to argue with,
But you don't need to build a legal defense for your boundaries.
You're allowed to have a preference simply because it's your preference.
You're allowed to say no without producing evidence,
So to speak.
And you're allowed to let another person have a feeling about your boundary without rushing in to fix that feeling.
And that last one is important.
Right?
It's a big one.
You don't need to fix their feeling because their disappointment does not automatically mean that you did something wrong or that you should abort the mission.
So today we're going to practice tolerating the discomfort of saying less.
This is not being rude.
We're not being cold.
We're not withholding information that someone genuinely needs.
We're just learning to stop adding words because we're afraid of someone else's reaction.
So the practice,
This is the power of the pause.
So let's practice together.
I'm going to ask you to get comfortable.
And if it feels good to you,
Let your eyes close gently.
Now start by taking a slow,
Deep breath in.
And a long breath out.
Now I'll ask you to bring to mind a recent situation where you overexplained.
Maybe you said no to an invitation or asked someone to do something differently.
You might have expressed a preference.
Maybe you've set a boundary and then immediately started explaining,
Apologizing,
Or defending it.
Just choose a moment.
And you don't have to choose the biggest and the worst or the hardest one,
Just one.
And remember what happened.
And notice what happens in your body as you bring it to mind.
Do you feel tension in your chest?
Perhaps your stomach tightens.
You might feel a little heat in your face.
Or maybe there's an urge to talk,
To explain,
To make sure the other person understands.
For this moment,
I just want you to notice.
No judgment.
Now ask yourself,
What was I afraid would happen if I simply let my original statement stand?
Was it that they'd be disappointed?
Was it that they'd be angry?
Was it that they'd think you're selfish,
Or they'd judge you,
Or they'd stop liking you?
Would they ask you to explain yourself?
Were you afraid of that?
Just notice whatever percolates,
What comes up.
And now I want you to identify the fear underneath the overexplaining.
You might silently say.
I'm afraid they'll be upset with me.
I'm afraid they'll think I'm selfish.
Or I'm afraid they won't understand.
Whatever it is.
Just allow yourself to clearly name it.
Now take a long,
Slow,
Deep breath in.
And remind yourself.
I can allow someone else to have their feelings.
I can allow someone else to have their feelings.
You do not have to manage their disappointment.
You do not have to make your boundary painless for everyone.
You don't have to convince someone that your no is a good enough no.
Now let's rewrite that original interaction.
Think of the sentence you actually said.
And underneath all the extra words,
I just want you to find the clean version,
The simplest,
Truest version.
It might be something like,
No,
I can't make it.
Or that doesn't work for me.
Or,
I'd prefer it to be this way.
It could be.
I'm not available.
Or no thank you.
So find that sentence.
And now repeat it silently to yourself.
I want you to notice what happens.
Did you feel the urge to add something?
Maybe a reason,
An apology,
A qualifier?
Because,
Or I'm sorry,
Or I hope you understand,
Or I just,
Or but.
Notice that urge.
And this time,
Don't follow it.
Just pause.
Take a deep breath and let that sentence stand.
This is the practice.
Not getting rid of the discomfort,
But learning that you can feel the discomfort and still not over-function or over-explain.
You might have a little voice saying,
Explain yourself.
That is just an old protective strategy so much of the time.
It learned that if you could just find the perfect explanation,
Maybe you could prevent someone from being disappointed.
But here's the truth.
You can't control how another person feels about your boundary.
And you don't have to.
So take another deep breath and silently repeat.
My boundary does not require their agreement.
My no does not require a dissertation.
I'm allowed to take up space without over explaining why.
Now stay here for one more breath.
Just breathe.
So the next time you notice yourself overexplaining,
I want you to try something very simple.
You just pause.
Before you add the reason or the apology or the justification,
And ask yourself,
Did they actually ask for more information,
Or am I trying to manage their reaction?
And if it's the second one,
See what happens when you say less.
You don't have to convince people to respect your boundaries.
You don't have to make everyone comfortable with your choices.
And you certainly don't have to earn the right to say no.
You're allowed to say what you mean and then pause.
Let that be enough.
Thank you and good luck with the rest of the Break Your Patterns Challenge.
