45. How To Ensure We’re Evolving: Grasping The Good & Bad Within

In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael delve into the spiritual definitions of good and bad – good being anything that benefits us or others; bad being anything that hurts us or others. Listen as they explore ways to constantly connect with our true, ‘good’ essence and how doing so creates myriad blessings in our lives.

Transcript

So if you want more joy,

If you want more blessings in your life,

If you want more inspiration in your life,

If you want more light in your life,

Find something within you that you need to transform and begin the process of transforming it and you will find that actually becomes a gateway to greater blessings.

If each person can realize they come into the world one way,

And over time we do collect,

Create different habits,

You want to tap into the truest part,

Be kind to yourself.

First start there where you're just you.

You love you.

And then from that space,

Then look at all the things that you want to change by yourself because if not,

I think that's where people really get stuck and say,

You know,

I studied spirituality but it was just too much work,

All that change and that transformation.

Of course,

For people who have been doing it for many years,

Like it's obvious because that's the only thing that makes you ultimately happy in the realist way that lasts forever.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 45.

That's almost as old as we are,

Actually.

We're giving out our ages?

I don't,

Age is actually wisdom as far as I'm concerned.

It's as old as I am.

You're still older.

Always.

When I think about things that,

Topics I want to talk about or if I'm preparing a speech or for a podcast,

I look back to what's led up to the week or the month or the last six months and when I was with my father in the hospital,

Situations can bring out the best in people and they can bring out the worst in people.

For some people,

Their best is in the most difficult times.

For some people,

Their worst is when it should be easy and really relatively a non-issue moment,

Right?

It got me thinking about a few things.

One is what really is good or bad behavior,

Right?

I don't even like those words so I want to challenge that as well.

Also,

What is our responsibility to grow and evolve and why is that important?

How do we do that?

There's no such thing as good or bad as far as I'm concerned.

I know you're thinking,

Let me finish my thought,

Michael.

Because the thing is most of us grew up with,

When we're children,

This is good,

This is bad.

Be a good girl,

Smile to your elders,

Be a good boy,

Don't cry about that,

Be strong,

Shake it off type of thing.

All those behaviors may work when we're children,

Right?

They keep us maybe in line or to know what society expects of us or at least our families expect from us.

When we're adults,

You can see how things that are good could actually be bad for us.

Smiling and pretending and putting a happy face on no matter how you're feeling,

Obviously,

When you're an adult will lead to feeling bitter and have resentment and not really be a true person to who you're supposed to be.

The reason I want to talk about good and bad,

Because before we actually go into growth and transformation,

Let's just start with being you,

Whatever that looks like.

Because I think the tricky part,

Yes,

I know you can challenge me in just a minute,

Keep nodding.

I think the tricky part is that most people are living the way they think people expect them to.

They're not really in touch with who they are or their nature.

Then,

Over time,

They've adopted many different behaviors.

If they're not authentic and true,

Which is connected to your soul and to who you want to become and you've given thought to that,

If you haven't done that and you're just giving thought to what everybody else wants,

What's appropriate,

What's expected,

Then you will collect many,

Many habits throughout life that aren't you,

A.

If you're not living you,

You're not going to be happy.

I think everybody has to start with where is it that you are at in life?

Are you living in a way that's not true or authentic?

Except all of you and from that place,

I think transformation can really occur.

Now you can challenge me.

I know because the way you come into the world,

I'll let you speak in a minute.

You came really more.

You didn't go through this other part that the rest of us did,

As I have witnessed.

No,

I just want to clarify because the question is what's good and what's bad?

I think we can actually clarify what is.

.

.

There are.

.

.

For me,

It's a very simple idea.

Good and bad is anything that either bad is anything that hurts somebody else or hurts me,

And good is anything that does better for somebody else or for me.

But people don't have that clarity when they- Okay,

But I'm saying,

But I think that there clearly is good behavior and bad behavior in this context.

Well,

There's accepted behavior and unaccepted behavior.

Who's to say what's good or bad?

I mean,

There's things across the board- I just did.

I just did.

That are,

Right?

Like murder or slander,

But there's other things that are not.

For instance,

Right?

With our oldest,

Do you remember a few years ago,

He was going through a difficult time.

He didn't think he was,

By the way,

But to us it was pretty apparent and obvious.

He said something that really struck me,

And to this day still I think about it.

He said,

I wake up every day with wanting to find ways to be happy,

And that's what I do.

He was not in a great.

.

.

He was more in a selfish state at that time.

I looked at him and I said,

Wait,

Wait,

Is that what you actually think you're doing?

You wake up every day asking yourself,

How can I feel better,

Right?

So you wouldn't be aware of that being good or bad.

In his mind,

He was chasing something that was positive.

Right,

Except again,

Except if you use the parameters that I express,

Which is- What are your parameters?

Which is- I'll pay attention this time.

Good.

I didn't listen last time.

Good is anything that does benefit for myself or for others.

Bad is anything that harms anybody else or myself.

I have a problem with it because- I don't think it's possible.

I think it's subjective.

Anything that's good or bad for others.

You,

A parent,

I was parented like this on some level.

I sometimes think they're doing good for their child,

But some of the things are harmful.

Oh,

So that didn't work.

I think that that is the proper starting point for assessing our behavior.

Of course,

Any assessment can be flawed,

Will be flawed,

But I do think that that's a good place to start,

Right?

Am I hurting other people or myself?

Am I improving the lives of other people and or myself?

The second thing which you said,

Which is that most people live their lives for what others will think.

I think that's true and that's a problem on its own,

But I do think often people behave in ways that they know are not what other people want them to be behaving,

But they are so reactive,

Right?

Anger.

I think a lot of people who behave in anger,

For instance,

They know that the person that they're yelling at does not want to be yelled at,

Right?

They're not- They're not considering the person that they're yelling at in that moment,

Right?

So in that moment,

If they could say,

One second,

What does the other person want from me or at least what do they not want from me?

I think that actually is also a very good place to start.

Again,

You can end there and hopefully we'll delve a little bit more deeply into how the assessment should be made.

I do think that thinking about how other people are receiving us and more importantly,

What they want to receive from us and maybe even more important than that,

What they don't want to receive from us is not a bad place to start.

I know,

Again,

Specifically there's a few situations you shared with me over the past few weeks where it would be wonderful if the person with whom you were having the not positive interaction would have before any other reaction would have said,

What does the person to whom I'm speaking or yelling at want to hear from me?

That takes self-awareness.

Of course.

And I think,

So this is why I keep going back to this.

The Gaon of Vilnius said that there are two ways people come in the world.

They come in with their natural traits and then they also have then habits that they have collected through time.

And we know that habits,

Right?

If you have another habit,

A bad habit,

Eventually that does become your nature.

You can look at anybody who was a fit child or healthy child and they started eating sugar and fat,

Whatever,

Their whole lives.

Any habit could then create damage.

So I want to just go deeper into that of the idea of,

Okay,

So if we come into,

Although I don't think we come with a clean slate,

I think we come with an opportunity for a clean slate.

But our nature genuinely when we are children is to be more thoughtful perhaps or to think of another person more.

I think that the desires,

Those things that become habits that aren't really our truest self can then take over and lead us astray.

That I think is actually maybe- And the Gaon of Vilnius is a great scholar,

Kabbalist,

Right?

I threw that name out and I realized that actually nobody's heard of it probably.

I think the way to start this thought process,

Right?

Because really what we're hoping for is for our listeners to go through a thought process,

One that I think is important for all of us.

So where we start is an understanding of ourselves.

When we come into this world,

We have two parts.

A part that is our essence,

All the good things,

Kindness,

Compassion,

Empathy,

Joy,

Blessings,

All that.

That's who we are.

You can call it our soul,

You can call it our essence,

That's who we are.

But it's really important that we remember,

That we know that when we were born,

From the moment we were born,

There is another part that's tagged along.

It isn't actually who we are,

But it's a very strong voice and force in our life.

In the ancient text,

They call it the negative inclination.

They point out,

For instance,

When an animal is born,

The Zohar tells us,

I mean,

This is obvious,

They know even at the age of one day,

One month,

To stay away from harmful things,

From fires and things like that.

A baby,

A human baby,

Is not as aware from a young age to refrain from harming themselves,

Less so than even animals.

Because we have more free will.

Well,

Free will is the other term for this negative inclination that is tagged necessarily to allow for free will.

Because if we were living out as a pure soul,

As our pure essence,

There would be no free will.

We would only be doing the right things.

We would only be growing and benefiting ourselves and others.

To allow for free will,

This very powerful,

Omnipresent force is invested in every single one of us.

So as I sit here now,

There is amazing light.

My soul,

As every one of our listeners is listening to us,

They are right now inhabiting tremendous light,

Blessings,

Wisdom.

At the same time,

As I sit here and you sit here and our listeners are listening to us,

There is within me and within you and within every single one of our listeners,

A tremendously negative voice.

Again,

It isn't our essence.

It isn't who we truly are.

It is an intruder into our lives,

But it's there from the moment that we're born,

Every second of our lives.

And when you understand yourself in this way,

That it's not simply that you can go along in life and try to be a good person and live out your life in that way because there's this force.

And I think if you introspect enough,

You will realize this,

That is going to push you as it pushes the baby to go into the fire.

It pushes you and I to yell at another person,

To become jealous at another person.

All the negative actions,

Behaviors,

And even thoughts that we have are coming from this other force.

To give us an opportunity.

To give us the opportunity to push it away.

But I think that too often- We make it about the person.

Well,

Not even about- The trigger or the circumstance.

We never realize that there's something within us.

Exactly.

And again,

I want to be careful.

Not so much,

Not us.

It's not me.

I am perfect and pure and elevated and good,

But within me,

Within my mind,

There is this force that is as strong,

Not stronger,

Than all of my basic goodness.

You know what I look at it like as you're speaking?

Imagine a sunny day,

Right?

And at any moment,

Weather can change.

There's a storm that's come in.

The wind took it to the right,

East instead of west.

And now,

There's this other force that's come and it's created a whole different experience.

One that you now need to protect yourself.

How many centuries ago,

There was not the weather station,

Right?

People are out and about and before you know it,

They're protecting themselves.

At any moment,

Something could happen.

I think that that is the force.

That at any moment,

Something can happen where we have the opportunity to pause and actually think,

Wait a second,

How do I want to respond to this?

And I'm not going to make it about that person or that situation or my circumstances or my upbringing,

But I know that as I go through each and every day and I wake up in the morning,

There is going to be an opportunity to choose this or to choose that.

And again,

I can't stress this or underline this enough because I'm talking for myself,

Right?

And I've hopefully been involved in spiritual pursuit and growth and transformation for over 40 years.

We established over 45 years.

We all either underestimate or don't even think about or accept this reality.

Again,

Related to a conversation we had recently,

People think,

Look,

I'm basically a good person,

So I can go through life.

I don't like the good person label by the way.

I have a problem with that.

But that's what I think a lot of people think.

And I'll do my best.

I'll do my best and sometimes I best.

You said this very rightfully that we often say when we interact or experience people behaving badly,

I always say,

They're doing their best.

Then you are quick to point out,

Yes,

But their best is not so great.

But the point is- No,

Actually I say as pitiful as that may be.

Exactly.

Exactly.

It's their best.

Yes.

But the point is that unless we are constantly aware of this force that resides within us,

We will go through life often getting worse and having no awareness of that at all.

And I think the point that we want to awaken within ourselves and our listeners today is you can't go through life unaware,

Un-baddling this internal force and force because what's going to happen is two things which are bad together.

One,

You won't get better.

You might not be a bad person.

I never think that,

I hope I'm not a bad person,

But I can behave badly.

And I know that even though today I like in this moment,

I'd like to look at myself and say I'm a spiritual person.

Tomorrow I can wake up and yell at somebody.

Why?

Not because I suddenly became a bad person,

But because there is this force.

And by the way,

And this is the other thing,

Which is the Kabbalists point out,

In order to allow for free will,

That means that your positive inclination,

Which is your soul,

Your essence,

And your negative inclination has to be equal.

Because if there was any variation,

If you were,

Let's use numbers,

10 on the scale of spiritual and good,

And eight,

That other force was at eight,

You'd be winning all the time.

So as you grow,

That negative inclination has to grow.

And therefore the Kabbalists actually teach that the more spiritual you are,

The more powerful that negative force has to be.

Which again,

I think is both counterintuitive to many people and something we don't think about.

So there is no- Because people often say,

Wow,

I'm doing all these things.

I'm trying to be spiritual and things have never been more difficult.

Okay.

I don't like that conversation,

But right.

But it's a farce.

It's not true at all.

But I think that we underestimate exactly what we're talking about today.

And what that means is that for you and for me,

And for every one of our listeners equally,

We are all capable tomorrow morning and wake up and do something negative.

Because- Like yesterday when- I haven't yesterday.

No,

I haven't.

And I think,

Again,

I really,

I think this is something that needs to be contemplated because this is at the core of where we all go wrong.

Not having enough of both an awareness and appreciation for this negative inclination that is going to reside within us.

And the other part to that is that if you are not scrutinizing your behavior and your growth,

You will be blind,

Absolutely blind.

Meaning?

You will think,

Oh,

I'm a pretty good person.

And it might be true.

You're a very good person.

Might also be true.

That does not mean that there's not work to be done.

And this I think is really at the core of what we dedicate our lives to.

And again,

What we hope this podcast is a part of.

What I know for myself to be true and what I hope to inspire within our listeners,

There is this battle raging all the time and I have to be a better person every day.

And the only way that happens is first by knowing that there is this force that's going to pull me in the other direction and to take the time to scrutinize my life.

That's so interesting.

I think people spend so much time contemplating their potential and who they're supposed to be in terms of being a successful person,

Where they're supposed to invest their time,

Their energy and their money.

We focus a lot on how to be a successful human being and the definition of success of course varies person to person.

But what if people ask the question instead of who don't I want to become?

What if we approach life that way and we woke up and you're saying,

Okay,

Because if you already decide that you don't want to be somebody,

It will stop those bad habits,

I said the word bad,

From becoming part of your nature,

Right?

Because now your thought isn't only in how do I become better because we can get tricked in that as you just said,

Because we're not aware of that other force.

But if you wake up and you say,

Okay,

Who don't I want to be?

The next time that opportunity,

That wind blows in a storm,

You're going to say,

Wait a second,

If I don't want to be a person that is selfish or that doesn't hear people,

Then in this moment,

I'm going to be able to react in a different way.

I think that it actually helps cut out,

Like 50% of the time,

You'll probably make a better choice than you wouldn't.

Right.

But I think it has to be even more active and detailed than that.

Well,

As a first step,

I think it's pretty powerful.

Yeah.

Agreed.

One of the- I'm feeling a little feisty.

This is my third day on camera straight.

I haven't had to share the mic the last two nights,

So here we go.

One of the very practical tools that the Kabbalists speak of that is necessary is a daily review of our behavior.

To look through the day and think about the positive,

Okay,

More importantly,

What are the ways that I behave today?

What are the thoughts that I had today?

What are the actions that I did today that I don't believe are in line with my soul?

They go so far as to say that unless you are doing this daily,

You're gone.

Now again- Gone like that.

Meaning gone meaning no,

No,

No,

No,

Not- Like you're not here or there.

You will not be developing in the ways that you need to be developing.

And I ask every one of our listeners,

When was the last time you sat down with yourself for 10 minutes,

For a half hour at the end of the day,

Or even at the end of a week and thought through,

What were the thoughts that you had that you really don't want to have?

What are the words that you said,

The conversations you had that are really not in line with your soul,

With your essence?

What are the actions that you took?

Well,

When was the last time you did that?

I try to do it every day.

Yeah,

Me too.

I try to do it every day.

And especially- And I always find something,

By the way,

Always.

Of course.

Yeah,

If you're not- If you're being honest with yourself.

Yeah,

If you're not finding it's- It's a bigger problem.

Right,

Right.

And that's the point.

And I think it's really important that,

Again,

For me,

For you,

And for our listeners,

Every day there's got to be something,

One thing,

Thought,

Forget it.

Every one of us must have had 10 thoughts,

100 thoughts that we probably don't,

We know we shouldn't have- And also behavior.

Words and behavior.

And it could be in any area,

Right?

As a parent,

As a spouse,

As a driver,

There's plenty of opportunities there.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

But I think what we're saying,

I really do think it's a two-part thing.

I think if you wake up every day and say,

Who don't I want to be?

And then at the end of every night,

At the end of the day,

You're saying,

Okay,

What are the things that I did today that I didn't want to do or that I didn't want to think?

And I think that that's a great foolproof plan.

So you don't wake up in 15 years and be like,

Wow,

I really don't like myself and I don't even know how I got here and I also don't like my life.

Right.

Right.

And there's actually,

There's another part to this,

Which I think is hopefully because sometimes people might not be excited to introspect and scrutinize our own behavior.

Wasn't that what mindfulness is supposed to be about?

Part of it,

Of course,

Of course.

But I'm saying it's not always,

I don't think people are naturally excited.

To look at their stuff.

To look at their stuff.

Yeah.

So I'd like to say two things on that.

First,

A very beautiful and hopefully inspiring teaching is this,

Imagine that you are and we are a person,

An essence that has so much to reveal,

Potential,

Endless potential.

As I am sitting here and again,

I try to dedicate as much time of my life to helping people to doing,

Bringing wisdom into this world and goodness,

But I know that there is so much more potential for me to reveal for myself,

Both in spiritual ways and physical ways,

Is so much more.

How do I unlock my next blessings?

How do I unlock my next level of growth?

All the inspiring,

Exciting things that we all want.

This is how.

Every negative trait that I still have within me and I must if I'm here,

That I haven't yet transformed is actually a key that unlocks blessings.

So if you want more joy,

If you want more blessings in your life,

If you want more inspiration in your life,

If you want more light in your life,

Find something within you that you need to transform and begin the process of transforming it and you will find that actually becomes a gateway to greater blessings.

Conversely,

If you go through life being okay and not scrutinizing your behavior and not transforming yourself in an active way,

As we've been talking about until now,

Then there's so much untapped light and blessings that you have it a lot.

So I think it's so important to not simply view what we're talking about today,

Which is the active pursuit of change,

The active pursuit internally and scrutinizing of ourselves for the purpose of becoming a better person,

For the purpose of growth,

But most importantly,

For the purpose of unlocking my next blessings.

And that won't happen to the degree that it can unless you remove these parts of yourself.

And I believe when you view the process of transformation that is precipitated by self scrutinization,

You will then be much more inspired.

Because again,

Every one of us as I'm sitting here,

There are things that I can think of that I would want,

Important things,

More wisdom.

And I know that one of the most powerful ways to unlock my next blessings is by finding some blockage within me,

Which manifests as negative thoughts,

Negative actions,

Negative words,

And actively transforming that.

That will be a gateway to allow my next light,

My next blessings.

It's interesting because most people think that by sheer will,

Desire,

Hard work and effort in the physical,

They're going to unlock the blessings that they crave.

And to some extent,

Sure.

You have to do that as well.

You do.

And you do get some results.

But I think that we settle in this place that it's good enough,

It's better than it was,

And we don't realize,

And I think that's what you're trying to say,

We don't realize what is available to us.

And it's far greater and abundant than we have any idea.

We talk about that a lot with relationships.

People say,

Okay,

I'm pretty happy.

I found a good partner.

We enjoy doing the same things,

But they have no idea what it could be.

And it's that unlocking.

And by the way,

It's the same thing with relationships.

It's only through that self-awareness,

Giving yourself that emotional feedback,

Which is to your soul,

That you can actually elevate every part of your life.

Absolutely.

And so what I'm hoping to inspire within myself,

Within our listeners,

Is an excitement to find what else I need to change.

Plus,

What a powerful gate that it will be for you for your next blessings.

Like you just said,

Even if things are great,

Even if things are okay,

I know that there's so much more of me and there's so much more of my blessings yet to come.

And one of the most powerful ways to unlock it is by looking inside,

Finding those areas that need to be changed and changing them.

You cannot imagine the amount of potential blessings that that will reveal for you.

And related to that,

And therefore,

When you read in the ancient teachings and wisdom around this topic,

It's referred to as a gift.

And I was actually reading something today,

Which I find is very inspiring,

And hopefully our listeners will now start thinking about this in this way,

Because there's a concept that you need to be open to other people's.

.

.

We don't like the word criticism,

But feedback.

I mean,

Feedback's a much better word.

So they say,

If somebody is giving you a diamond,

You don't care how dirty they are.

If somebody took out whatever,

$10,

000,

And says,

Hey,

Excuse me,

I want to give this to you.

You don't care if he's a homeless guy who's filthy and smelly.

You're just,

Oh my God,

Thank you so much.

So they say the same thing.

If you,

And this is,

I think,

The real consciousness shift,

That the view- I like that a lot.

Yeah.

And that's the phrase,

The ancient phrase,

Which is,

Again,

That if somebody is giving you,

They use diamond,

Right?

But if somebody is giving you a great gift,

You don't care who's giving it,

And what they look like.

Yeah,

Brand new Porsche or whatever,

A car,

A house,

A queso house.

So they go.

And what we need to do,

And this is constant work.

This isn't something that happens from listening to a podcast.

Well,

Don't underestimate it.

No,

No,

No.

Hopefully,

You can start the process.

But the point is to really shift our consciousness around the excitement for transformation.

When you understand that it is one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself,

One of the greatest ways to unlock your blessings.

You do it for yourself,

And you're excited to get it from somebody else.

But this is why I brought this up in the beginning.

And I really think that this is an issue for people.

So everything I think that we shared has been inspiring.

What you just shared,

Super inspiring.

But what do people,

I think,

Yeah,

They want to transform.

They want to change.

But they just don't even know what that looks like day to day because they don't really even like themselves enough today to then go and pursue change.

You want me to look at,

I don't even like who I am,

And you want me to now find other things that are wrong with me?

That's where most people are.

That's the reality.

And that's why I said if each person can realize they come into the world one way,

And over time we do collect,

Create different habits,

You want to tap into the truest part.

Be kind to yourself.

First start there where you're just you.

You love you.

And then from that space,

Then look at all the things that you want to change by yourself.

Because if not,

I think this is where people really get stuck and say,

You know,

I studied spirituality but it was just too much work,

All that change and that transformation.

Of course,

For people who have been doing it for many years,

It's obvious because that's the only thing that makes you ultimately happy in the realist way that lasts forever.

But until you get on the other side of it,

It's really difficult to start,

I think.

I'll accept that.

And certainly,

And we said this before,

That the beauty of this is that if you really know who you are,

Which is I am all the good things I've ever done,

Only them.

I am only the things that have done good for me,

That have done good for others,

That have brought light and blessings into my life.

That's actually who I am.

That is me.

That is me.

Anything negative that I've ever done is not me.

It is not my essence.

Even if I've done the worst thing,

That was me falling prey to this other voice.

Call it the negative inclination,

Call it the ego that made me think,

Speak,

Behave in that way.

So,

To that point,

And I know that certainly there are people who struggle with that acceptance of themselves.

What we're saying is actually,

I think,

Very powerfully expressing the fact that rather than view any negative action that you've done as a personal failure,

Realize,

And we probably need to remind ourselves maybe daily,

I am pure,

I am perfect,

I am elevated,

I have only ever done good.

In this world,

There's this other force,

Voice,

That has piggybacked into my life and into my mind.

And again,

Call it the negative inclination,

Call it the ego,

Whatever you want to call it.

And that has caused me,

Yes,

To behave in ways that are not me.

To yell at people,

To be jealous of people,

And so on and so forth.

I think separating ourselves from anything negative I've ever done- Our essence from our behavior.

Exactly.

And therefore,

What happens is that when you think of yourself in this way,

In this true way,

Then the other part,

And I've shared this before,

But it's what I find to be a very inspiring idea,

Is that even if a second ago I did something really bad,

A second ago I yelled at you,

Right?

Me?

Yeah.

Right?

I can still in this next second see myself as a pure,

Elevated,

Powerful,

Spiritual being.

Yeah,

I might not.

Exactly.

Exactly.

But the point is,

But I'm right.

Right?

I'm right.

I knew that I fell prey to that negative voice in my head,

And that's why it brought me and my ego to yell at you.

That still is true.

But the other part is also always true,

That I am a pure,

Perfect being.

So I think it's really important to separate those two,

And once you do that,

Still go back to the process of scrutinizing,

Okay,

Let's see.

How long and how often do I actually listen to that negative voice in my head and behave therefore in certain ways?

I think it's.

.

.

Especially to your point,

I think it's so necessary to gain this clarity about ourselves,

And then yes,

Go ahead and scrutinize,

Not you.

You're not scrutinizing you.

You're actually scrutinizing the times that you listen to this negative voice that is not you.

And by the way,

That goes back to what we said at the beginning,

So when somebody behaves very poorly to other people that they love,

Right?

And then when they've gotten over the anger and the screaming and the yelling,

They say,

But I'm a good person.

I don't deserve this.

Because now they're connecting.

Now they have maybe some regret by the behavior.

Then they're connecting back to their soul,

And they're like,

But why can't you see all the good that I am?

Because your actions did not express that.

Yeah,

You still hurt me.

You are a perfect being,

But 10 seconds ago you hurt me really badly.

Exactly.

Absolutely.

And sorry,

You want to- No,

Go ahead.

There's,

You know,

I've mentioned many times,

One of my more favorite books is a book by,

He's a Nobel Prize winning psychologist.

He's also works in economic theory,

Daniel Kahneman.

And he wrote a book,

Thinking Fast and Slow.

And one of his foundational discoveries is that our mind has two ways of working,

The fast mind and the slow mind.

He calls it system one and system two.

System one is intuition,

Quick reactivity,

All the things that we do like that.

Survival type things?

No,

And it could be anything.

For instance,

Let's say if you're learning to play piano,

Right?

So to learn to play piano,

You have to use the slow mind,

Right?

You have to learn and you have to,

And so on and so forth.

And then when you learn it,

It actually now is part of your intuitive behavior.

So then it's actually transferred into the system one or the fast mind.

The things that you've taught yourself are now part of the fast thinking mind.

Most of our lives are used the fast mind,

Right?

Why when somebody cuts us off,

Do we yell at them,

Right?

When somebody we feel has hurt our feelings will lash out at them.

That's the fast mind.

He points out,

And this is certainly the spiritual view,

That we do not spend enough time with the slow mind,

Right?

The mind that really thinks through things,

That assesses,

That scrutinizes.

And he says most of the failures in this world have come because we've.

.

.

And again,

There's a lot of place for.

.

.

You want your pilot to be using his first mind most of the time.

But we misuse it,

Basically.

We do not often enough go to the slow mind.

And that's what I think.

.

.

When you assume that this is the way the mind works,

Right?

This isn't just that.

.

.

What we're talking about is moving ourselves a little bit more over to the slow mind,

Really assessing our behavior,

Reactivity,

Really thinking through that.

I was going to say,

It sounds like the catalytic idea of the reactive behavior versus being proactive,

Right?

Exactly.

And it's exactly.

.

.

I guess those two ideas support the two different forces that exist in all of us.

Exactly.

And the thing is that the.

.

.

Again,

Certainly in Kahneman's thought,

The fast mind is not a negative thing,

Right?

There's certainly places.

.

.

It needs to be.

.

.

When you're driving,

Right?

When you're in the.

.

.

Swear into your lane,

You don't want to start thinking for five minutes,

Should I move the car?

Should I stay in this lane,

Right?

Well,

You couldn't do that.

Thank you,

Thank you.

No,

It needs to be controlled.

It needs to be managed.

The fast mind.

The fast mind,

Again,

When a person comes to a doctor,

Often the doctor has been doing this for so long,

He can quickly assess and so on.

There's a lot of place for that fast mind,

But not enough,

I think for most of us,

Certainly when it comes to looking inside and transforming,

We don't use the slow mind enough.

And that's what,

Again,

For me and I think for us,

What we want to inspire with our listeners is that not doing that leads to a life unfulfilled.

Unfulfilled not just unfulfilled because you won't be as happy as you can be,

But also you will not be revealing your potential.

I think it leads to a life that's not fully.

.

.

It's like unopened.

That's what it really is.

Absolutely,

Absolutely.

It's like you never really open it.

And you've had a presence sitting in front of you all along and you're just like,

Oh,

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I do want to go to the 1% for a minute.

I think it's also helpful for people to know what their triggers are because when you're aware of what is going to.

.

.

What does trigger you,

Whether it's something that happened in your childhood that anytime it happens now in adulthood,

It's a trigger.

For me,

For instance,

Clutter triggers me.

I never noticed.

Well,

I did.

It's interesting because I found something today and I wanted to share with you.

Oh,

Thank you.

To let you know.

It's going to be something that makes me look great.

No,

No,

No.

It's just I think it's going to help you understand me.

Thank you.

No one here?

I would love to.

Me and I'm sure many of our listeners would love to hear.

Because I think that if you know my trigger and I know my trigger.

.

.

Honestly,

After I read this,

I was like,

Okay.

I understand what's happening in my brain when I get triggered and now I don't have to react to it because I understand what's happening and then I can choose a different response.

So as I was saying,

I want to do the 1% thing because,

Again,

These are spiritually elevated ideas but I think people need tools.

So there was an article in the New York Times that cited researchers from UCLA and the study observed 32 middle-class Los Angeles families and they found that all of the mothers' stress hormones spiked during the time they spent dealing with their belongings.

With their own belongings.

Well,

Their mothers.

So it would be their belongings but it would also be family belongings.

So and we can go into what triggers it and your cortisol levels but in fact,

What I thought was interesting is that cortisol goes into the brain and stimulates the alarm center.

So the stress hormone spikes that,

Right?

And the alarm center is the amygdala and it kills neurons in the hippocampus which besides doing visual spatial memory also calms down the amygdala and calms down stress altogether.

This mental experience of stress,

Especially if it's chronic and severe,

Gradually changes the structure of the brain.

So we become aggressively more sensitive to stress.

The mind can change the brain and the brain can change the mind.

So I think that also there's something happening physiologically which is why it's so important to see what your habits are and how you respond to things is actually your brain is changing according to how you respond to things in life.

But this is the part that I really,

Michael,

Wanted you to hear.

So why does mess lead to so much stress?

For the opposite reason that order and calm spaces like spas feel so calming and relaxing.

Number one,

Clutter bombards our,

Monica's mind,

With excessive stimuli causing our senses to work overtime on stimuli that aren't necessary or important.

So when I walk in the house and there's clutter,

This is what's just so really clear.

Two,

Clutter distracts us by drawing our attention away from what our focus should be on.

You,

The kids.

Three,

Clutter makes it more difficult to relax both physically and mentally.

I know you want me to be relaxed.

Absolutely.

Four,

Clutter constantly signals to our brains that our work is never done.

Exhaustion.

That's not good.

Five,

Clutter makes us anxious because we're never sure what it's going to take to get through to the bottom.

And six,

Clutter inhibits creativity and productivity by invading the open spaces that allow most people to think,

Brainstorm,

And problem solve.

So I shared with you personally,

Obviously you understand why,

But for our listeners,

I think it is important to recognize what your triggers are so you don't feel bad about yourself when you react to something,

You have information,

And then you know it's coming,

You know it's going to set you off,

And you can choose something different.

So I think it's an important tool.

Nice.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

You're so welcome.

We can talk about it more later.

I hope we do.

I hope we do.

Monica's been giving lectures this whole week,

So I really haven't had time.

We haven't seen each other at all.

I know.

I'm so excited to spend this time with you.

Are you still?

Still,

Yes.

Very,

Very excited.

There's one more thought on this that I think is really important.

There's a book that I've mentioned many times because it's a foundational book and also one of my more favorite Kabbalists,

An Italian Kabbalist,

Ramosh HaChaim Luzzatto.

And he has a whole book about how to transform,

How to delve inside and transform.

And one of the chapters is dedicated to a word that I think perfectly encapsulates the transformation that we hope to awaken within ourselves and our listeners.

So when he talks about how to grow and change,

One of the most important things,

One of the most important traits he speaks about is in the Hebrew,

It's zehirut or in English would be being careful,

Being careful.

And I think,

Again,

This relates also to what I was saying before with Daniel Kahneman,

The idea of fast and slow.

I think most of us don't live a careful life.

And by that,

I mean because we don't often scrutinize our daily behavior,

Our interactions with people,

Certainly our thoughts and our words.

We hurt somebody else,

For instance.

We say something we know we shouldn't have said or we would just forgot and we said it.

We weren't careful.

And for me,

This thought,

When you realize that my life's journey and our listeners life's journey,

It has a goal that I have,

Again,

Tremendous and every one of our listeners has tremendous potential and blessings that are meant to come to them.

But you have to live carefully.

Often for ourselves,

And I know people,

They see themselves,

And as many of us do,

A good person,

Good person.

I think the question we should ask ourselves is,

Am I living life carefully?

Is that the same as thoughtfully perhaps?

Yes,

Yes.

Aware.

Yeah.

I think sometimes we can say,

I had a stressful day,

So I yell,

Okay,

Next.

But then what if your next day is stressful?

What if your year is stressful?

Exactly.

And that's the thing.

Then that becomes a habit,

By the way.

I do know somebody who had a very difficult year and the whole year,

I'm stressed.

And then they've now become a version of themselves that's really not their best.

And that's why I think,

Again,

For me,

I thought that it was a very,

And hopefully for our listeners,

Live carefully because a lot is riding on your life.

And if you really take life carefully,

Thoughtfully,

Slowly,

Whichever word you use,

You will change.

And the beautiful part of change,

Again,

By the way,

Change,

Be careful with that word,

What you're going to be changing is diminishing that negative inclination from having influence upon you and therefore allowing your essence,

Your soul to shine in its most powerful,

Purest potential way.

And again,

Just to underline where we started,

Going through life without this consciousness,

Without this constant thought,

Without this constant internal accountability,

A person goes through life thinking they're a good person and probably he or she is,

But nowhere close to what their life can and is meant to be.

And what they really ultimately want.

Absolutely.

There's this quote by Frank Outlaw that I love,

That I've quoted him quite often.

And a few people have said this in different ways,

But he said,

Watch your thoughts.

They become your words.

Watch your words.

They become your actions.

Watch your actions.

They become your habits.

Watch your habits.

They become your character and watch your character.

It becomes your destiny.

I think that sums it all up.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

As I mentioned,

I haven't had time to have real conversations with Monica this week.

She's been very busy.

So,

I appreciate the time that she spent with me just now.

And I hope that we inspired our listeners to,

And ourselves,

To really take the time to live carefully.

To live with thought of how we think,

Speak,

And act.

Because again,

The beautiful side to that is that that's how we will live the life that we're meant to be living.

And you see the gift in finding those places where we listen to that part within ourselves that is not us.

We didn't have a chance to get to a letter this week,

But- Oh,

You don't want to read a letter?

Next week,

We will hopefully get to a letter.

But please continue to send all of your questions,

Stories,

Letters.

Even if we don't get to all of them,

We read them.

It inspires us.

And hopefully,

We need to inspire our listeners.

So,

Send all of your questions,

Comments,

Stories to monicaandmichaelatkabala.

Com.

We try to get to as many of them as possible and share the stories that inspire us and hopefully inspire our readers.

And like we also mentioned,

We do this podcast also because finally,

I get to spend some time with Monica.

But also,

Because we hope to inspire our listeners.

Please share this podcast with others,

With your friends and family.

Go to Apple Podcasts,

Write positive reviews hopefully,

Five-star reviews,

Wherever you get your podcasts and share them with as many people as possible.

Do you know what's interesting?

Tell me.

I ran into somebody at Tracy Anderson this week and I don't really know her very well at all actually.

So,

I was surprised that she had joined my webinars this week and that she said,

She's been Zooming the workouts from home.

That's the first time she came in studio since COVID and she said that she turns the music down on the class online and she puts our podcast.

Oh,

Really?

Oh,

Wow.

And I thought that was amazing by the way.

And it makes sense because I listen to podcasts when I'm driving or when I had my tooth pulled.

Because if something's really stimulating mentally,

It takes you out of whatever you're doing physically and the workouts pretty hard.

So,

Shout out to you,

Danny.

I thought that was awesome.

And I felt really inspired,

You know,

That people were working out to us.

Absolutely.

Imagine that.

You can understand me not so much.

Thanks for joining us.

Thank you for joining us.