115. Perfect By Design: How To Reframe Holidays With Family

Navigating family or group dynamics of any kind during the holidays can sometimes feel heavy. Many of us even dread it. But we always have the choice to shift our mindset to be one of gratitude and joy and, in doing so, completely transform our experience of the holidays. In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael discuss the most powerful ways to reframe your interactions with relatives during the holidays and close the calendar year with appreciation.

Transcript

Every situation that I'm in, Be it my family dynamic or otherwise, Is a place for me to be restricting and growing and changing and learning. And when you view it like that, They're simply a teacher. And even if they're being very silly and being very wrong, Still a teacher for me. Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry podcast. By the time you hear this, You will be, You'll have had your fair share of turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce. If you're living in the United States. True. But I think that this, What we want to talk about is this time of year in general, Many opportunities to try to be your best self among people that might trigger you the most, Such as family. So Thanksgiving starts this off. It's the first holiday in the season, Which is marked as the happiest time of the year. And on the surface, What's not to like? Elaborate dinners with friends and family, Gift giving and receiving, And curling up in front of the fireplace in comfy slippers are the order of the day. Yet, Like so many things, The fantasy doesn't always match reality. We strive for a Norman Rockwell scene, But often end up with, Well, Real life. Well, I was going to ask, What do you think the percentage is? Of people who actually enjoy this time? Let's go study somewhere. It's interesting. Like, I love to feel all those feelings, But I find myself hosting a lot. And then it takes me away from really spending time with people I want to the most, Like really enjoying that time. So I'm like running this, That, And things are messy. And then my Virgo nature kicks in and then I end up cleaning. And then that's time that I didn't spend with people I wanted to. So navigating family or group dynamics of any kind during the holidays can sometimes feel heavy. Some of us even dread it, But we always have a choice to shift our mindset to be one of gratitude and joy, And in doing so, Completely transforming our experience. So gratitude obviously is one way to make sure you are able to keep check on your thoughts and your actions and your words and make sure they're sprinkled with kindness. I think appreciation really is, You know, It's so great that people want to spend time with me or, You know, Have invited me or I have people to invite in my home or I have a home because so many people are without. So I think that's first and foremost, But there's so much more than that. And actually, I didn't know if you were planning on sharing this, But actually I think it was yesterday you shared with me a conversation you had with somebody about, You know, They have an aging parent and you were really trying to encourage them, Even though they had all kinds of reasons in their mind. About their childhood even. Exactly. So do you mind sharing? I thought that was very beautiful and an important thought for our listeners. I think for everybody, I mean, Certainly there's different levels, There's different degrees in terms of hurt and trauma, Even abuse. But let's just speak about for the average person, Right? We often still at age 40, 50 are holding on to what our parent did, Do, Didn't do, Should have done, How they hurt us, All of our hurt. And I think that at some point, Right, I think each person has to ask themselves this question. And this is what I did for me, Which really fundamentally shifted my relationship with my mom because my father's not here, She's the only parent I have now. And you know, Everybody changes for good or bad. And we're all going through different experiences, Different things. Of course, Losing my father has been a really hard time for her, Seeing him sick for so many years was really difficult for her. So it's changed her in ways. And I remember we'd had this conversation and I've given this advice to so many people since. We were talking about this and I was saying, Oh, You know, I wish my mom was behaving like she always did. She was this way or that way. And then it's like, You know what? If she was no longer here, I'd be completely devastated. And I'm just so grateful to have her in my life, Which means that it's now my turn to be really the adult in the sense of how can I give to her? How can I make sure she's happy? How can I nurture her instead of what did my mom do or didn't do? And I have a good relationship with her, I always had, But like anything, You know, Of course we're going to get triggered. Of course, A relationship with the people closest to you will always be challenged and will always be changing. And you have to recognize that and step up. And so my advice was exactly that, You know, I think that, And I share this and I said, You know, If I think about my mom and I think about all the things that she did or didn't do in my life, I actually don't even think about those things anymore. I just see her hand caring for me. I see her hand when I was a baby, I see her hand holding her first grandchild. I see her hand helping me give our children a bath. I see her doing that and it just warms my heart. And that takes me back to appreciation. And I also said, You know, If when a person leaves this world, The ones that we care most about all those things you're remembering today about, You know, That time they hurt me on this significant day in my life. And that other time they didn't show up for me in the way that I thought, You know what happens when that person's no longer here? It's the craziest thing because I've experienced it. Suddenly you cannot remember one bad thing that they ever did and all you remember is the goodness they imparted upon you. And you can't even go back and say, Wait, Oh my God, I realized this or I love you or I appreciate you or I'm sorry that I've treated you badly. And that's how the world works. You know, Death is such an important part of life for that reason mainly. Yeah, I thought it was so beautiful. I really hope that our listeners hear it because again, All family dynamics are complicated. I don't know. I mean, I know there's no such thing as an easy family dynamic, But I think appreciation but specifically, And again, It might be a little bit, You know, Uncomfortable for some of our listeners to think those of us, Those who have a family, Family or parents that with which they have, They've had issues and what child has had issues with their parents. But that thought that the reality is that if you had a choice between them being here in whatever state and capacity versus not, And secondly, The fact that there will come a time when you will look back and have so much appreciation and all those other things will probably not even make your view, Why not live in that state now? And also see their life for what their life should be for them. I think very often in a dynamic between parents and children, We only see it through the lens of my parents should be the provider financially, Emotionally, Physically in every aspect because that's how it's set up. And when we come in the world, Right, Of course, That is how it is. But at some point, It's each person's responsibility to say, Wait a second, This person did not only come into this world to take care of me and to raise me, They were supposed to do that for a significant period of their lives in the way that they did. And yes, There should always be that nurturing and love because after all, They did bring me in the world, But it's not their responsibility, Their sole responsibility, Their life's purpose, Just to make sure I am happy and all my needs are met. And I think unfortunately for most people, They never stop and say, Wait a second, My expectation for my parent is completely off here. I need to now become the giver and not just the receiver of the relationship. And then when you start to switch that, Then you realize that that relationship is supposed to get to a stage where it's equal giving and receiving. And then at some point, Parents become a little bit less able as they get older. And then you're really supposed to step up in a different capacity. That's the thing that blows my mind about parent-child relationships. And I know we're not fully going there, But I do think it's important to touch upon. And that's a very important point. I want to underscore that, That like you said, I think people get tripped up later in life. I'm sure it happens, It happens to all of us when we're young, Right? But especially making that transition that the relationship is meant to change. And the question we have to ask ourselves is, How am I changing in that way, Becoming more of a giver rather than a receiver, Or at least thinking about this relationship more in a way that how can I give to them rather than how are they not fulfilling what I want to be taking from them? Right. And I think that of course it's hard because a person won't really come to that of, Oh, How can I take care of this person who's taking care of me? Because we're still in that space of, Well, They didn't really show up for me in the way that I wanted, Or they didn't do enough for me. I never had the mother I wanted or the father that I wanted. Okay, Well, Maybe you weren't supposed to. I guess it depends on what you do with everything you've been given, Both good and bad. And unfortunately, The things that disappoint us, We tend to just stay there instead of saying, Wait a second, There's a beautiful purpose for this too. Beautiful. It's a really, Really important idea. And I'd like to share something that's a little bit, I think I can explain this well. So in something that guides me a lot in decisions that I make and how I interact with family. So many of us know that one of the 10 commandments is honor, Respect your father and your mother. And I often have this thought, Both my parents are no longer in this physical world, And I believe there's great light in behaving in that way. So that every once in a while I have this thought, Oh, That no longer applies to me. But then of course, I remind myself that that's not true. That isn't true. That you can definitely continue to honor your parents, Even if they're not physically in this world. And specifically, Again, I try to do that in many different ways. But specifically the question I often ask myself in interacting with family members isn't so much what do I want to do, Or what do I think the right thing is, But rather what would they want me to do? What would they think the right thing? And even if I disagree with them, Still, I actually consciously say, I'm going to make this choice. I don't necessarily agree with it. I don't necessarily think it's the right thing, But I know this is what my father or my mother would want. This is what they thought was the right thing, And therefore I'm going to do it. And I think there's great power in that. I think sometimes, Again, We often like to think, Well, Okay, I'm the adult now, Whatever, I, You know, They're no longer here. I'll make the choices. Again, The choices that I think are right. So you're saying specific things with other family members that you don't want to do or that are not really important to you, But you know that if they were here, That would have made them proud, Or they would have felt that that was the right thing. Exactly. Do you want to give us a specific example? I'm trying to think. It's many different ones, And it's often difficult decisions. I can't think of one that makes sense to share, Just the fact that it comes up a lot. And I always go there first. Again, It doesn't always, By the way, To be clear, There are times where I think, Okay, My mother would want me to do this, But I really, Really, Really don't think it's the right thing, So I won't do it. Or there are other times I'll say, You know, I think my father or my mother would want me to do this, And even though I really don't want to, I'm going to do it anyway, Because they would. So it's a balance. It's not a carte blanche that, You know, Always do it, But I just find it very empowering, And in a way I feel it's the right thing. So coming with humility, Just because they're no longer here and able to either impose or ask for what they would want, To say, No, I still owe them a lot. It's interesting, As you were speaking, I was thinking that, You know, There are certain times where in families you maybe do need not to speak to one another. You need to take a break. It could take a year. It could take two years, Because there needs to be a real shift in the relationship, And so sometimes people won't accept that boundaries need to be enforced, And they push back and push back, And the only thing to do in that situation sometimes is to remove yourself, And I've had that in my family with somebody specific. It's happened three different times where I've had to remove myself, But the interesting thing is I always went back to this will only be for a period of time because I don't believe in not talking to people. I think that you can always get to a place where you can create a new normal, You can have human dignity, Respect for one another, But I actually, This third time that it happened, I found a card that my father had written me, Because sometimes I like to read cards that he wrote me for holidays or for my birthday just to bring him back to the now and this moment, And he wrote something, Well, I'm going to give too much information, So it was one of my sisters that I was not getting on with, But I read this card, And I felt that we had come to a place where we could start again, But I read the card at the same time and my father said, And I always want you to be close to your sisters and to love them, And I didn't take that as a coincidence, Right? I thought, And I know that my parents, It's very important that their daughters are always friends, And it's important to me also, And I just think for our listeners, Even if there's somebody that's difficult in the family or you have a difficult relationship or you find yourself that you really need to remove yourself to your boundaries, Just think about there's always a way to be able to hold space for yourself and for others. I guess first you have to know how to do that though for yourself, And then you can re-invite those people back into your lives. Absolutely. It's interesting you talk about not coincidental coincidences. Just yesterday there was a few friends who were visiting my parents' resting place in Israel, And so I was on the phone with them and we were sharing stories, And one of them shared a specific story about my mother. And then as I hung up the phone, You know on Apple phones they'll suggest photos, And they change at different times. So literally as I hung up the phone, Suddenly a picture of my mother came up, And I saw that as a sign. And also I know you like, Monica likes, When I share personal stories. So just talking about, I guess, Appreciation for family. So my father had a very, We'll say, Interesting family dynamic. He was the youngest of three boys, And his two older brothers were much, Much older than him. So he basically had no relationship with them. And at a certain point when we were living in Israel, So my father was in Israel, His two brothers and father, Who was still alive at the time, Were living in the United States, There was a big falling out between his father and one of the brothers and the other brother. And from that moment on, The one brother who had the falling out just lost, Moved away, And there was no contact ever. And my father didn't even know when his oldest brother passed away. He was only able to maintain contact with his father and the other brother. And so I think I might share this in one of our podcasts, Is that in one of the last conversations I had with my mother, Just sort of casual conversations, I started asking her about my father's father, Who I'd never met. He passed away very close to when I was born, And his brothers. My mother really didn't, She knew one of them okay, Meaning not that well, And the other brother she didn't know at all. And I'm a very sentimental person in that way. So I found myself, I think it was last week, Literally going into a rabbit hole, Not so much rabbit hole. Is that why you showed me that picture? Yeah. So I looked at my father's yearbook. That's funny. And you know, It was just crazy that you can still find these things. And then a little bit about his one brother, His name was Oscar, And the other brother's name was Zelig. And it's interesting. Zelig, That's an interesting name. What's the English? What was his English name? Because that was my, Okay, I don't want to get too deep into family history. I actually, What was his, He actually had an English name and it was. . . I kind of like Zelig, By the way. It's really cool. It's a Yiddish name. It'll come to me. But my point is that, Especially as we think about our kids and our grandkids and our great grandkids, That being able to give over, Either if it's in person, If you're having these family events in person, Or even just having some sort of closeness that you're able to give over, Is actually really important. I think we often underestimate what that means to our kids. Meaning so sometimes, Yeah, We have to forego this annoying relative or that annoying relative, But that sense of family is something that not just in the obvious ways and in the conscious ways, Our families need them. And the more we can do, Even in times where it's not comfortable, And all the reasons we can come up for, For it not to be there, I would strongly recommend it being there. Which. . . Do you feel like you needed that? In retrospect, I don't think I'm lacking in any way that. . . It's more curious, I guess. It's curious. Yeah, I don't feel a lack, But I would have liked to. I would have liked to had more, Even more knowledge, If not even more interaction with them. You can be close to my family, Sweetie. Thank you. I'm close to our family, Which is really. . . But I think, Again, It does help guide me in many of those sort of uncomfortable situations or decisions that you have to make, Which I think leads well into another idea, Which I wanted to share. And this is true, Not just during the holiday season, Where one often spends time with their families, But there's three spiritual guiding principles that I like to highlight for myself to keep in mind. And I think it's important for our listeners to keep in mind, Whether you're actually physically with your family, Or even just thinking about your parents. So first, Know that your family is perfect. What do I mean? We know that. . . You just triggered a whole bunch of people all over the world just now. Yes. Perfect for who we are meant to be. So I'll give an example. This week I was talking to a student who had a terrible childhood, Literally a terrible childhood. I'm not even going into all the details. Just know that it was terrible. Parents were terrible parents, And she had a terrible childhood. And then I asked her, I said, You know, I said, I'm so sorry. And she said, Actually, You shouldn't be sorry, Because all of that trauma made me into the successful person that I am today. Now not everybody gets there, Right? I know many people who get stuck in that. Once again, To be clear, This does not mean that the behavior of this parent or that parent was right. It doesn't make the behavior right. But if you're able to see how it made you, And you actively pursue that, Why did my parent have to be, You know, Withholding? Because this way I learned, And this is the example of this person I was talking to use, This taught me how not to be with my kids, And how to be actually the opposite of that with my kids. So. . . That's interesting, Unless you have studied some kind of spirituality. Right, You can't get there. Well, Not even to get there, You want to know what the usual understanding of why bad situations, People, Circumstances have come into my life. The place people stay at the most, And every time I work with somebody new, They eventually in the first or second conversation, When they bring the issue up, I mean, I'm a good person, I don't deserve this, Which means they think they deserve this, And they've punished themselves, And they go back and forth between the two. And I'm always like, Okay, Everything in your life is going to happen to you, Unless you understand and shift that it's perfect, Exactly what you're saying, And this is meant to be, And these people are mirrors for you, And then it can happen through you. I think the other thing people do, Right, So either they take it on like they're not enough, Or that that person is horrible, And there's nothing for them to learn from. And again, I'm not talking about crazy, Crazy off the charts abuse, But it's like, You know, It's your mirror. And then basically, You're like, Oh, You don't really like what you're seeing in the mirror, Right? Because you're seeing your own behavior, Or something that you need to learn needs to be changed in you, And therefore, You focus just on what that person is doing that's not good or not enough. Absolutely. So that's the first principle. Your family was and is perfect. It's designed. It's by design. By design, Exactly. I think, Again, That's a more clear way of saying it, Because by design means, Okay, You know, I understand this is a custom program. Like I think about a workout, Right? Let's say you have a trainer, They have customized something just for your body, For the things that you actually ultimately want to change, Right? You want smaller hips, A tiny butt, Whatever, Your bigger calves, I don't know, Whatever your goals are, Your physical goals. I was thinking I want either of those two. A flat belly. I wouldn't mind that. And then every step of the way, You're like, This is hard. I hate it. I'm not enjoying this. I don't want this. In fact, I'm not even sure you're a good trainer, Right? All the things. Why? Because this thing that was created for us by design for us, For what we really ultimately do know would be for our improvement or our betterment, And we end up saying, No, No, I don't want this. So. Absolutely. Exactly. And I would strongly say that do that work, Which is think about, Like I can think of it. But just accept that, Understand that, Accept the process and understand that this is by design. Right. And even if you're no longer home, Even if you're 50 years old and you have your own family, Think about your childhood and say, Okay, So my parents did this, Which was wrong, Which was hurtful. How do I change even today? How did I change? How do I change even today to learn for myself in that situation? And I strongly believe, And I've seen this, That when you're able to learn what you are meant to learn, Then you're actually able to let it go. Exactly. And I'll share, I did share this a few weeks ago about a story about my father when I broke my wrist, Remember? And he didn't believe me. And then he shook my hand and I, And only when I put my head down on the table crying in pain and didn't eat dinner and didn't say anything was I finally heard. That became a pattern for me for a long time when I was really hurting, I didn't eat, I got really sad and I put my head down. Then when I became an adult, I realized, No, No, I became empowered. So when I look back at that story of breaking my wrist, What it taught me, Because then that's why I don't have any upset or anger around it or blame my parents or anything, Taught me to say, No, If you feel like something's really wrong in your body or in your life experience, It's your responsibility to stand up and say, No, I am hurt and I need help. That's what I learned from it. But you know what? If I didn't decide to become that person, Then I could look back at that memory and many more that came after it and say, Oh, Look, And this is why I don't have a voice or this is why I can't, It's their fault. It's just, Everything is completely set up for your growth if you see it that way. Absolutely. And the second principle, Which is related to the first is, And this again only comes from a spiritual view when a person says, I need this situation. So let's say you're at Thanksgiving or you were at Thanksgiving, You're going to be spending the holidays over the next few weeks and you're not comfortable. Something makes you uncomfortable. Somebody says something, Somebody does something. The view that we try to develop, The spiritual view is, Everything that happens around me and to me is here to teach me. It doesn't mean, Again, To be very, Very, It does not mean that the behavior they're exhibiting is correct, But it does mean that if I am experiencing it, There is something for me to change. Maybe my ego needs to be diminished. Not comfortable, Not comfortable, But maybe this is the perfect process for it. So when you view all the family dynamics, Again, Especially to be really clear, Caveat all the terrible abuse, We're not talking about that. We're talking about the regular, You know, Uncomfortable family dynamics. I'm supposed to be learning from them. I'm supposed to be growing from them. And I'm a spiritual being that wants to be coming better, Which means how do I deal with stress? How do I deal with somebody who says something nasty about the turkey that I baked and so on and so forth, Cooked? If you view life in that way and certainly view your family dynamic in that way, It changes it. It certainly makes it less stressful. You can even say, Oh, That's, You know, They just said something that wasn't right, But I'm happy for my ego to be diminished in that way, Or there's something that I can learn from that. I think a great tool here is humor. I think when people behave very badly, You can either get really upset, Get really reactive, Or you can do the opposite and just laugh it off. So for instance, When you said, Oh, This turkey's horrible, Say, Well, If you didn't like this, You would have hated last night's dinner. You know, You can actually not take it to heart. It's really about their own lack. Some people complain about everything, Right? You don't have to be sucked into that movie. Or sometimes people act really inappropriate and I'll be like, Okay, Well, You know, It's wrong what they're saying, But let me try to see if it's funny. There's always a way you can choose your response. And that really happens if you don't internalize what they're saying. Right. That's a very important point. That's on you. Right. Because what causes the upset is when you take it in, Rather than saying, Okay, This is a very silly person saying something very silly, But by the way, There might be something here for me to learn. Maybe how to not be reactive. Maybe how not to take things inside. Maybe it's the diminished way you go. But the bottom line in all of that is that every situation that I'm in, Be it my family dynamic or otherwise, Is a place for me to be restricting and growing and changing and learning. And if you would like that, They're simply a teacher. Then even if they're being very silly and being very wrong, Still a teacher for me. And again, But I think the point that you made, Which is very important, Don't internalize it. Again, Like if somebody said your turkey that you've made is terrible, You could still know it's not true and you can still know that what they said was wrong, But you can still learn from that. Simply how to restrict, How to not take in other people's comments. Think about all the comebacks you could say, You know, You're in my turkey's feelings. Or don't be a turkey. The third principle, Which I think is very important, Is what you mentioned before. Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude. You know, I've said this many, Many times since my parents have left this physical world. People who, And again, Everybody has interesting family dynamics. When they are no longer here, You're left with appreciation. Do everything you can to awaken appreciation. Appreciation does not mean everything is going right. Appreciation doesn't mean they're doing everything the way I want them to be doing it. It means they're there and I appreciate them. And I believe strongly if you're able to live these three principles with your family, And really this is true for everywhere, Right, It's a perfect situation for me. I need to be growing and learning, I'm so excited for this growing opportunity. And third, Awakening greater and greater appreciation. Not only will your family dynamic be more positive for you, But you'll actually benefit from even the uncomfortable situations that come up. And I think also prepare yourself ahead of time. Prepare your expectations of what the holiday will look like, What your participation will be, What you want it to be, How you want your interactions to be. Of course you can't control the outcome, But I think very often we have this, Again, Norman Rockwell idea picture and it's going to go like that, It's going to look, I mean, I've certainly done that. I have a very creative imagination. Everything I see is in picture first. I've really learned to not so much do that. And the way I'm going into the holidays is it's going to be messy. It doesn't matter if the kitchen's a mess. Really? I'm going to write that one down. This is what I'm telling myself. Okay, Okay. I'll still tell you to clean up. I really want to have fun. I want to laugh. I want to experience my family. And Abigail said something to me last week. I've been working like crazy since August. It's been nonstop and I know it and I felt not balanced in terms of my giving to the pillars in my life equally or fairly, Or as I even want to, Right? Because it's always going to be a little imbalanced, But I really felt way off balance. And she didn't have school one day and we had the whole day together. We did things around the book. We went to her old school Ramaz and we read our book to different classes. We did workshops. I love that even your time off with your kids. But it was fun work and it was purposeful. And we spent the entire day, Dentist appointment, And then we did some other things. And then she had her afterschool activity. So she went to go do that. Somebody else took her and then she came back home and she was in a different mood. And I said, What's going on? She's like, I don't know. I'm just in a bad mood. And I said, Why? She's like, I don't know what's been happening lately. She's like, I know what it is. And God bless. I love that she has access to her emotions, But also that she feels safe to share it with me. And she said, I just, I miss you. And I didn't realize how much I missed you until I spent the whole day with you and I'm not having enough time with you and I'm not okay with that. And she started negotiating the days of the week I should pick her up and reorganizing the schedule. And that, First of all, Was so appreciative. And it really, Even though I knew there was an imbalance, It really made me stop and say, Okay, No more. But also just, I have that in my head going into the holidays. I want to be with those people that really feel a lack if they're not being touched by me, My hand in their lives, Like I was explaining about my own mom. So that's really, You decide. You decide what you want to do, What you want your efforts to look like, The giving and the receiving to who and how that balances. And then all the other stuff doesn't really matter. That's a beautiful thought maybe to leave our listeners with that. Remember what's important and what's important is being with those that you love, Not how good the food is or how perfect the conversation is. Or even how bad the food is. Exactly. Or how bad the conversation, Or even the dine, Don't look for perfection at all. Oh, You made apple pie, I like pumpkin. But appreciate, Appreciate the fact that you get to spend these moments with people that you love and that love you. You have a place to go. So I think that was a perfect way to end this. And I hope for our listeners that we really use this time of year where many of us are spending time with family and friends to elevate our view, Interaction, And therefore what we receive from these really beautiful times that we get to spend with those that we love. As always, I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it. And stay spiritually hungry, Even if you're full from turkey.