"It's All Yours" - Responding To Disrespect & Insult

As the Buddha’s teachings remind us over and over, even though it’s difficult, we never want to let another person’s anger, disrespect, or cruelty harden our own hearts. Instead, we want our meditation practice to serve as a kind of guard for our hearts - a strong shield that can protect us against the power that other people’s disrespect can often have over us.

This talk explores how we can develop mindfulness tools that can help us to more calmly and kindly respond to the unkind behavior of others. It includes a meditation at the end.

Transcript

So just recently I came across an article in the Atlantic magazine that grabbed my attention almost immediately because of the title because it seemed like such a strong declarative statement.

The title of this article was How America Got Mean and the subtitle was,

In a culture devoid of moral education,

Generations are growing up in a morally inarticulate self-reverential world.

And when I clicked on it I realized that it really was an opinion piece written by the conservative commentator David Brooks,

Who I confess I don't necessarily agree with,

But in this case I just kept reading because his main premise was ringing so true to me.

You know as someone who has now lived almost six decades in this country I honestly cannot recall a time in my own lifetime when we seemed so willing to not only openly lash out at one another but to also then lash back out in some way in response.

And you know about four years ago now,

Right before the last election,

I remember driving down the highway one day and just having the same thought.

At the time the political signs,

As you might expect,

Were pretty thick,

But when I saw what was written on one of them I literally almost drove off the road because it just felt so shocking to me.

Underneath the candidate's name in much bigger letters were the words,

F your feelings,

But with that fun four-letter word fully spelled out.

And when I got home and told my husband about it he very calmly pointed out that my reaction was exactly what the sign was aiming for,

That it was actually designed to inflame me.

And of course he was right.

To use David Brooks' word,

That sign was mean on purpose.

And because I was curious I looked up the word mean in the Merriam Webster's dictionary.

It defines it as unkind,

Spiteful,

Malicious,

Aggressive,

And even vicious.

And I bring this up because in his essay David Brooks wasn't so focused on the increased hostility that I think we've all been witnessing,

But on what he perceives as a current lack of training and how to respond to it,

Which I think I agree is the more important point.

Because if our response to any kind of insult or unkindness from anyone,

Even our loved ones or family members,

Is even more unkindness or provocation or maybe even retaliation,

We only need to look to history to know that this is only going to lead to even more harm and pain and division.

And of course this is true whether we're talking about political parties or nation versus nation,

Citizen versus corporation,

Or even of course individual versus individual,

Which is where it starts.

It all comes down to how we work with protecting our own hearts from hatred,

Which in turn is going to protect others as well.

And so for this month's talk I thought I'd dive into the Buddha's wise trainings in morality or Sila in the Pali language,

Because they urge us to use our practice for exactly this.

As the teachings show us over and over again,

Even though it can be incredibly difficult,

We never ever want to let another person's anger,

Cruelty,

Disrespect,

Or meanness harden our own hearts.

Instead we want our practice to become a kind of guard for our hearts or a strong shield that can protect us against the kind of power other people's disrespect might have over us.

Because the truth is even though we may believe that responding in kind is going to make us somehow feel better,

It never really solves anything does it?

In fact in many cases it just confirms that the disrespect or the cruelty worked,

That it had the desired effect of asserting power over us.

In his famous essay,

Notes of a Native Son,

The writer James Baldwin really pointed to this when he wrote,

Quote,

It began to seem that one would have to hold in the mind forever two ideas which seemed to be in opposition.

The first idea was acceptance,

The acceptance totally without rancor of life as it is,

As men as they are.

In the light of this idea it goes without saying that injustice is a commonplace.

But this does not mean that one could be complacent.

For the second idea was of equal power,

That one must never in one's own life accept these injustices as commonplace but fight for them with all one strength.

This fight begins however in the heart and it now has been laid to my charge to keep my own heart free of hatred and despair.

That last line I think is so important.

It now had been laid to my charge to keep my own heart free of hatred and despair.

In a similar way I often like to recall these words from the Dhammapada,

Which is a famous collection of phrases from the Buddha where he tells us this,

Quote,

He abused me,

Attacked me,

Defeated me,

And robbed me,

Unquote.

For those carrying on like this,

Hatred does not end.

Quote,

She abused me,

Attacked me,

Defeated me,

And robbed me,

Unquote.

For those not carrying on like this,

Hatred ends.

Hatred never ends through hatred.

By non-hate alone does it end.

This is an ancient truth.

Unfortunately whenever we respond in kind or maybe with hatred for hatred,

Again this only tends to strengthen that harmful tendency within ourselves.

Just as if we're watering the weeds in our garden and letting those roots get just deeper and deeper and deeper until they take over the garden entirely.

In the Vipassita Sutta there's another wonderful passage where the Buddha offers us advice on how to respond to insult.

This is what he tells us,

One makes things worse who returns anger with anger.

Not returning anger with anger,

One wins a battle hard to win.

When another is angry,

One wins welfare for oneself and for the other if one mindfully keeps one's peace.

Someone who thinks others are fools for healing their own anger and that of others has no skill in the Dharma.

There's actually a really great story that I love about a man who goes to really considerable lengths to be able to sit in front of this renowned monk in India.

When he finally gets there the man asked the monk,

Tell me master what is the secret to eternal happiness?

And the monk says simply don't argue with fools.

The man says I disagree and the monk replies yes you are right.

I love that story and for those of you who know my love of putting short phrases on sticky notes to remind us of the Buddhist teachings,

We might use this as another one to remind ourselves again don't argue with fools.

This be so helpful.

More seriously though one of the teachings that I find so helpful is the truth that sadly receiving unkindness or even cruelty from others is just simply a part of life.

It's an aspect of being human in this world and so whenever it happens instead of being surprised by it,

It can be so helpful to remember that it's not just us.

In fact it's usually not even about us.

It's just inevitability happening again.

People have and will continue to be unkind and rude and disrespectful and insulting towards us for as long as we're alive.

And so instead of resisting it so strongly whenever it happens and letting it really get to us,

We might instead train ourselves to simply expect it because again it's absolutely inescapable.

Now unfortunately even though we might try we truly cannot please everyone or even make everyone respect us.

It's impossible.

And if we think about it our sense of insult or disrespect sometimes happens on kind of a daily basis doesn't it?

For instance maybe someone just is driving too fast in the parking lot not paying attention or maybe parking way too close to us or taking up two spaces right or maybe someone hasn't replied to a question we directly asked them in an email for maybe more than a week or so.

It could be anyone really who is showing us any kind of disregard or disrespect.

In the Dhammapada it is said ancient is the saying it is not just of today.

They find fault in one sitting silently.

They find fault in one speaking much.

They find fault in one speaking moderately.

No one in this world is not found at fault.

No person can be found who has been is or will be only criticized or only praised and I love that it was ancient when the Buddha himself said it.

Now it's even more ancient.

It's just a truth and so when I can remember these words from the Dhammapada it almost immediately reminds me that I'm not alone which is so helpful because as you might notice what happens when someone insults us or disrespects us is that we almost instantly feel a kind of separation or even aloneness and part of the reason for this is that whenever we're blamed or disrespected,

Insulted,

We tend to feel almost instantly more distant or maybe even strongly averse to the person who did or said something to disrespect us and of course this often leads to a feeling of separateness in general which as the Buddha told us is the source of our deepest wounding and suffering,

Our sense of being separate and because this sense of separation is so incredibly painful we are urged as part of the sila or morality section of the Noble Eightfold Path to very fiercely practice right speech.

So important because our words are powerful.

They really do matter.

They can truly cause great joy or great sorrow,

Strong connection or strong separation.

We might even just think about what happens when we hear a simple string of three words,

Just three words.

I love you or I hate you.

Both of these phrases again just three words but they carry so much weight.

If we think about it,

It really is amazing how much harm our words can sometimes carry.

Even for a lifetime sometimes they're gonna resonate.

You know for instance we probably all remember something someone said to us that we might have held on to for years.

Something that still stings or affects us even today.

Might even be something a parent or a teacher said when we were little.

Even if we've long forgiven the person or the people who insulted us or harmed us with their words,

Most of us don't really ever forget what was said do we?

It almost always leaves a mark or a stain and so it almost goes without saying that there are many many different ways in which people can insult us or disrespect us and just be endless really.

But if we continue to hold on to each insult or disrespect and let each one of those affect us,

It can end up greatly affecting the whole quality of our precious lives on this earth.

It's like the famous line from the poet Rumi who asks,

If you are irritated by every rub how will your mirror be polished?

If you are irritated by every rub how will your mirror be polished?

So one of the most important ways that we can practice with insult or disrespect is by learning how we can let go or at least begin to loosen our strong grip on it.

And when the best ways to practice with this is to understand what the Buddha referred to as the pain of the second arrow as it involves the pain of insult or disrespect.

And in the teaching the first arrow is the pain of that unexpected unkindness or when we experience some sort of insult,

Some disapproval,

Judgment,

Criticism,

Maybe some unkind or disrespectful action or maybe a sense of disregard.

All of those things I just described are considered the first arrow often described as the ouch,

You know the initial hurt of the experience.

The second arrow is how we relate to the pain of feeling that first arrow.

And the second arrow is always on us.

Because for the most part we really don't have a lot of control over that first arrow.

None of us chooses to be disrespected or insulted or to be on the receiving end of some harmful words or actions.

What's important to remember is that the second arrow is the one that we ourselves shoot into ourselves.

It's unnecessary.

As we've all experienced we can really choose to increase our own pain and suffering exponentially with this one in a myriad of ways.

The first and maybe most important way we do this is when we take hold of this insult or disrespect you kind of own it or believe it.

Right?

We tend to take the insult extremely personally and basically allow our egos to identify with the insult like we're literally wearing the insult or disrespect like the scarlet letter A.

Might even feel like we're kind of walking around with it like we can't shake it off.

Our grip is that strong.

For instance very often for those of us who were maybe abused as children we tend to take on an identity of shame.

We somehow believe that the abuse was our fault.

That it's our shame.

When who it really belongs to is of course the person who abused us.

It's like we're literally wearing someone else's clothes.

That identity and believing that it's ours.

And of course you know this can continue on until adulthood sometimes.

And so along with owning it another way we can increase the pain of the first arrow is by really chewing on it like a dog might chew on a sore on its foot.

Just really gnawing into the story or the narrative of the hurt or harm.

If we're honest we can sometimes do this for years and years can't we?

We can also cause ourselves and others harm by retaliating in some way by barking or biting back if you will.

So you know maybe we make some snarky comment or maybe we kind of torment the insulter with something or try to get them in trouble in some way.

Or maybe we do something we think might actually hurt them.

Or we might even just get caught up in the painful web of thinking about or even obsessing about how we might retaliate even if we never do.

The pain of it,

The thinking about it,

Can be so harmful.

We also tend to cause both ourselves and others harm by blaming or by making the insulter wrong or really chewing on all the ways that they are truly awful evil incarnate.

We can also fan the flames of the hurt by pouring more and more fuel on it,

By keeping it going,

Adding more and more sticks to the fire if you will.

So for instance maybe we start dragging other people into our drama,

Talking about it over and over with our partner,

Friends,

And relatives.

Maybe telling everyone in town that we can think of about this kind of disrespect or insult.

We might also continue to amp up the drama with the actual person who we feel disrespected us.

Just to keep the back-and-forth going and going and going because we really want to win.

Or have them understand us.

Or maybe give us the respect that we feel we deserve.

We want to win that.

And somehow we think that by winning we're gonna remove the pain of the first arrow or the insult or the hurt.

We won't have to feel it if we fight it is the belief.

But of course we tend to keep the flames hot by continuing to fuel it,

By keeping the drama going on and on and on in our own minds.

So what do we do?

How do we work with that second arrow?

How do we allow ourselves to let go of our strong grip on the disrespect and bring some cooling and healing to our hearts?

So to begin I thought I'd share a few stories from the teachings.

The first one is from the Indian spiritual teacher Osha who wrote about a time when the Buddha was said to have been traveling through a village.

And some of the villagers who didn't agree with his teachings came out and started insulting him.

Apparently they used all the four-letter Pali words that they knew.

But the Buddha apparently just stood there listening silently very attentively until the crowd had sort of spent itself.

And when they finished he very politely bowed and said,

Thank you for coming to me but I'm in a hurry.

I have to reach the next village.

People will be waiting for me there.

I cannot devote more time to you today but tomorrow coming back I will have more time.

You can gather again and tomorrow if something is left that you wanted to say and have not been able to,

You can say it.

But today please excuse me.

Of course people couldn't believe their ears.

One of them asked,

Have you not heard us?

We've been abusing you like anything and you've not even answered.

And the Buddha replied,

If you want an answer then you've come too late.

You should have come ten years ago and then I would have answered you.

But for these ten years I have stopped being manipulated by others.

I act according to myself not according to anybody else.

I act according to my inner need.

You cannot force me to do anything.

It's perfectly good.

You wanted to abuse me and you abuse me.

Feel fulfilled.

You have done your work perfectly well but as far as I'm concerned I don't take your insults and unless I take them they are meaningless.

And Osho said about this story,

When somebody insults you you have to become a receiver.

You have to accept what the person says.

Only then can you react.

But if you don't accept,

If you simply remain detached,

If you keep the distance,

If you remain cool,

What can they do?

And when he was asked about how to deal with being insulted,

The Buddha himself replied quote,

Somebody can throw a burning torch into the river.

It will remain a light until it reaches the river.

The moment it falls into the river all fire is gone.

The river cools it.

I have become a river.

You throw abuses at me.

They are fire when you throw them but the moment they reach me in my coolness their fire is lost.

They no longer hurt.

You throw thorns.

Falling in my silence they become flowers.

I act out of my own intrinsic nature.

And I love that story but I'd also like to offer you a similar one from the suttas because I can't responsibly talk about how to work with insult without offering you what is really considered the main sutta on this topic.

This is called the Akosa or insult sutta.

It's also sometimes simply known as the abusing the Buddha sutta.

So as the story goes there was a high priest in the Hindu class,

A Brahmin who just was incensed because the head of his clan who happened to be his eldest brother had become a Buddhist monk shortly after visiting the Buddha and this Brahmin didn't think the Buddha should have made his brother a monk.

And so this Brahmin went to visit the Buddha mainly to abuse and insult him.

And here I want to read you part of the actual sutta.

Quote,

Angered and displeased the Brahmin went to the Blessed One and on arrival insulted and cursed him with rude harsh words.

When this was said the Blessed One said to him,

What do you think Brahmin?

Do friends and colleagues,

Relatives and kinsmen come to you as guests?

Yes Master Gautama,

He said.

Sometimes friends and colleagues,

Relatives and kinsmen come to me as guests.

And do you serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies?

Yes,

Sometimes I serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies.

And if they don't accept them,

The Buddha said,

To whom do those foods belong?

And he said,

If they don't accept them Master Gautama,

Those foods are all mine.

And so the Buddha said,

In the same way Brahmin that with which you have insulted me who is not insulting,

That with which you have taunted me who is not taunting,

That with which you have berated me who is not berating,

That I don't accept from you.

It is all yours Brahmin.

It is all yours.

Whoever returns insult to one who is insulting,

Returns taunts to one who is taunting,

Returns a berating to one who's berating,

Is said to be eating together,

Sharing company with that person.

But I am neither eating together nor sharing your company Brahmin.

It is all yours.

It is all yours.

And by the way,

I thought those last four words would also be great to put on a sticky note because again,

We might acknowledge that most of us get insulted or disrespected on a pretty regular basis,

Right?

It can be a really handy reminder.

All yours.

As an aside to the story,

Apparently after this teaching,

The Brahmin,

Like his brother,

Also decided to become a follower of the Buddhas and he eventually became a monk.

And the special name that he received as a monk was Akosa,

Which means the insulter.

In the Buddhist tradition,

Anger is actually associated with the hell realm,

Which is a state or place of intense pain and claustrophobia.

And you might notice that whenever someone does something to disrespect or insult you and you feel strong anger,

It really does have a quality of claustrophobia.

Like maybe you're being squeezed into a tight space or boxed in.

You know,

For instance,

It might be hard to breathe or there might be a sense of panic.

Everything might feel very tight and constricted,

Like you just want to bust out of your skin.

It can be incredibly uncomfortable and what we usually want to do immediately is just get out.

We want to scream or throw something or send that angry email as a way to relieve the strong sense of being squeezed.

But what the teachings are asking us to do at this very moment that we feel the squeeze is to restrain ourselves,

To actually pause.

So hard.

But this is what the practice is asking us to do is to pause.

So this pause might look like physically leaving the room.

You're in an argument with somebody.

Might be deciding to just take a few breaths or even a few minutes of pause or longer.

You can even ask for this sometimes.

I do that a lot.

Just please give me a minute.

I just need a minute to process.

You might even ask for a kind of collective pause if we're in a heated argument with more than one person.

This is often called the sacred pause and mindfully knowing when it's necessary can help us in several different ways.

So first,

It can really help calm the strong sensations of anger,

That squeeze that we're experiencing by allowing the physical sensations that we're experienced to flow through.

Gives it time to flow through.

You know,

Helps it to flow through without us acting on it or adding more fuel to it.

So as a for instance,

We can allow in that pause the heat of the anger or the frustration or the hurt to be felt,

Right?

The pounding of our hearts.

Maybe a clenching in our jaws and our hands.

We can then use the breath to connect to the present moment and try to calm the body a bit.

Come back to the present.

And then calming the body can then help us to cool and calm the mind so that we might see things a little more clearly without all the smoke and fire,

All that heat.

And this is exactly what can help to restrain us so that we don't say or do something that we might really regret later or say something that's gonna leave one of those people permanently scarred or stained.

Like one of the rules for myself is do not hit the send button when my heart is still racing.

My heart is still racing.

I do nothing.

So in the teachings,

Patience is actually one of the main antidotes to anger.

And so being mindful about taking this pause is actually incredibly important.

So often actually my practice starts with patience or restraint by not biting the hook.

Not reacting or defending or explaining.

And maybe most especially not crafting that email with a little barb attached to it.

And to be very honest sometimes this takes a while.

Sometimes it takes several heart-pounding self-righteous attempts at crafting a defense or explanatory email before we might recognize what we're doing and give up on it.

We restrain ourselves.

As a confession many years ago now when an insult I received felt particularly harsh and the pressure felt really high,

I did impulsively send that email.

And I have always always regretted doing it.

The truth is sending it back felt somehow worse than receiving it.

Not only because I knew I'd done harm but because I felt I had somehow failed myself and my intention.

Happily most of the time I do manage now to pause and slowly take my fingers off the keyboard if you will.

And the very next thing I always know to do from the teachings is to go directly to my heart.

And so very often I literally place a hand on my heart,

Close my eyes,

And offer myself metta,

Friendliness,

Compassion,

Karuna,

And allow myself to feel that first arrow.

To feel the sting of it.

To feel the ouch.

This part is so important because we don't want to use the practice of patience or restraint to somehow ignore,

Hover over,

Or suppress the fact that what was just said or done hurt us.

No,

We don't want to ignore or pretend that someone hasn't just shot an arrow into our hearts and that we're bleeding in some way.

So what we're practicing is more along the lines of those famous three words from the Zen tradition,

Which is,

This is it.

Right?

This is the situation.

Or this is what was just done or said.

It happened.

This is it.

Which is always and forever followed by two more words,

Which is,

Now what?

Now what?

What's the wisest,

Most compassionate response to this?

Which by the way often includes no response at all.

Not biting the hook.

And just as a quick review,

Many of you may know about the acronym STOP.

S-T-O-P for practice.

Which I find can be so useful whenever someone disrespects or insults us in some way.

So the S is for stop.

We literally again stop.

We pause all activity so that we can pay attention to our mind and our heart.

And we can notice that we're bleeding,

If you will.

That's the first step.

Stop.

The T in stop is for take a breath.

Right?

And this is where we can offer ourselves compassion.

And by maybe placing a hand on our hearts or calming ourselves with our breathing.

Take a breath.

The O in stop is always the hard part because it stands for open and also ouch.

So we're opening to the ouch.

We're allowing ourselves to feel it.

And you know this is the part that can be incredibly uncomfortable.

Because it's what our anger is trying to prevent.

So we really again want to allow it.

We want it to be felt and acknowledged.

That's the important part.

And the last step is the P.

Which is our action or our choice.

This is when we get to decide whether to park or proceed.

And if we proceed,

We then get to choose how we're going to proceed or respond.

Rather than simply react.

That's where we have our power.

In how we respond.

And then once we've applied stop practice,

We can then remember the teachings from the Ekosa Sutta.

Which is to remember that what the person has offered is not ours.

No?

We don't need to take it so personally.

We don't need to own it or chew on it or decide to eat those staple and non-staple foods and delicacies that were offered.

And we don't need to agree to have supper with that person either.

Quote,

I am neither eating together nor sharing your company.

It is all yours.

I also like to imagine that we don't need to pick up and put on whatever outfit has been offered in some way.

We can recognize that those clothes are not ours.

They're theirs.

Another way of not taking it so personally is that we can remember that most often this person does and says the same unkind things not only to us,

But probably to many others.

And instead of aversion,

When we can remember this,

It can actually create a sense of compassion for the pain that this person must be carrying around in order for them to act this way.

There's a great quote that I love to remember about this,

But whenever I go to search for it,

It seems to be attributed to about five different people.

And so sadly I cannot accurately share with you who said it.

But apparently the author was asked,

Quote,

Why are you so nice even to people who are rude to you?

And the author replied,

Because I too have been rude to nice people,

And I know that rudeness comes from a place of roaring pain.

And isn't this just so true?

I know I can remember exactly those times in my own life when I've said unexpectedly harmful things to nice people,

And it has always always arisen from a place of pain,

You know,

From a place of selfishness really,

Which again comes from a feeling of being separate,

Which is our deepest pain.

On the other hand,

Whenever we can restrain ourselves and stop the flow of aggression that urges us to defend or blame or even attack,

And instead kindly respond,

Can actually bring us a kind of joy,

Because we can recognize that we're following the intention of these teachings,

And that we didn't add any more fuel to the fire.

And finally,

Before I want to offer you a meditation on this,

I wanted to end with one of my favorite quotes for you to contemplate,

Although again,

Sadly,

I've never been able to locate the author of this one,

And you may have heard it before.

It reads,

An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does.

A healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Each day,

You get to decide which one you will be.

Each day,

You get to decide which one you will be.

And so,

If it's available to you,

And you're willing and ready,

I'd like to offer you a meditation on this practice.

And so,

If you're home or somewhere you can sit quietly,

You might find a comfortable spot to do that now,

And settle yourself in a good meditation posture.

If you're out walking,

You might start to focus more on your breathing,

And actually the bottom of your feet,

Really sense your connection to the earth,

Feel your body moving through space,

Really become more embodied.

If you're driving,

Same thing,

Becoming more embodied.

Maybe feeling your seat on the cushion,

The car seat,

Your hands on the wheel,

Paying attention,

As all of us,

To the breath.

So,

For all of us,

We might even just take a nice long inhale,

Deep inhale,

Filling the lungs,

A slow exhale,

Letting go.

Maybe a couple of rounds of these on your own,

Just to get in touch with the breath.

Calm the mind,

Heart,

Body,

Bringing all your attention inward,

Into the body.

And if it's helpful,

You can even place one hand or both on the heart,

One hand on the heart,

One on the belly.

Breathe into the fingers,

For as long as that feels good or comfortable,

Just to connect with the heart,

The body.

On each exhale,

Letting the body soften,

Dropping the shoulders,

Noticing the center of the palms,

And letting the palms soften,

Hands soften,

In a gesture of receiving and letting go.

Even if they're on your heart or belly,

You soften.

And let that sense of softening,

Of receiving and letting go,

Flow through the whole body.

Just imagine that.

And you soften the body even 5% more.

Each exhale,

Letting go.

And as you're ready now,

I'd like to invite you to consider a recent time when someone did or said something that you felt was,

In some way,

Disrespectful,

Insulting.

Really be there with it,

Just remembering.

And try to remember what happened in the mind,

Body,

And heart,

When this person did or said something that was disrespectful,

Hurtful,

Insulting.

You really want to allow yourself to feel what was happening in the mind,

Body,

Heart,

At that moment.

Be honest.

And then I want to invite you to consider your pattern for reacting to insult or disrespect,

Because we really want to see it and be honest about it.

So for this particular insult or disrespect,

You might consider,

Did I own it in some way,

By taking it on or defending an identity that came with it?

Did I own it in some way?

Take it personally,

As mine.

You might also now consider,

Maybe if you spent some time or more time than you'd like,

Maybe chewing on it or fueling it in some way.

You may not have,

But just consider.

Was there any way that you continued to fuel that flame with a kind of narrative or story?

And as you're ready now,

I'd like to invite you to consider,

What was your reaction?

What was your response?

Was there any blame,

Retaliation,

Gossip,

Etc.

?

Remember,

No judgment.

You're just shining a light,

Being honest.

As you're ready now,

I'd like to invite you to consider how you might choose to work with this if it happened today.

So you might consider,

How might I like to respond to this insult or disrespect if it happened today?

How might I like to respond instead of react?

You might now consider,

Would it be possible for me to let go of identifying so strongly with this disrespect?

Would it be possible for me to let go of identifying so strongly with it?

You might even remember the words of the Buddha,

It's all yours,

It's all yours.

And finally,

Just listening to these words from the poet Mark Nepo,

Who tells us,

What it really comes down to is the clearness of heart to stop defining who I am by those who have hurt me and to take up the risk to love myself,

To validate my own existence,

Pain and all,

From the center out.

Pain and all,

From the center out.

Namaste and blessings.

Reviews

This was very insightful. Thank you so much. I enjoyed listening. 🙏🏻🪷

brilliant so needed at this moment. Saved thank you 🙏

Very practical & insightful. Pace of speech is just right and puts me in a reflective mood. I am able to slow down, calm down and feel my feet on the ground. Please do more on this topic, thanks.

I forget who says - what other people think of you is none of your business

Now I can add what other people say is also not for me.

All steps towards more equanimity:)

So heartfelt and sensitive. You speak right to my heart and soul and they hear you. Thank you so so much.

Very good talk and explanation, very helpfull 🙌🙏🏻

Wow a great teaching I must listen too over and over again until I can learn not to react but remember to respond and not right away. 🙏

That was an excellent talk! Very helpful. I’ll listen again.

Very thought provoking.
Thankyou Shell. You always provide worthwhile topics to consider.
. 🌿🌺🌿

Right when I need it the most 😌 beautiful talk! Thank you 🙏