155 Head Of Household: How To Wear The Pants In Relationship

You already know that women need to feel their feelings. But that's only half of the equation. A man assuming the role of 'Head of the Household' is an increasingly taboo concept. But it's the only way to really give your partner and dependents the space and safety to be themselves.

Transcript

Something I know to be true about women,

And yet I still often forget,

Is that when a woman is feeling a lot of emotions,

Usually all she wants is to have her emotions heard and not have you,

The man,

Fix her problems.

Now,

I know this to be true,

I've said this to other people,

I've said it to myself,

I know it,

Right,

But it is so counter rational to my male brain that in the moment,

Say when my wife is having an emotional moment,

I usually forget,

It's just such a default reaction when there's a problem that is fixable that I can fix or I have some possible solution for,

I want to fix it.

And this of course is not unique to us,

I think,

Throughout history,

Throughout the history of,

Ever since humans had their first sapience and men and women got together,

Women have been frustrated about men fixing problems and men have been frustrated that women won't let them fix the problems in these moments.

Because what I often have to educate men on,

Any relationship coach or someone sharing info to men will usually say some version of,

The female brain needs empathy,

Right,

It needs empathy to feel safe,

To feel connected,

Which of course leads to safety,

Which of course leads to well-being,

And the perceived problem is usually secondary,

Usually,

Right.

The male brain of course is different,

Right,

A testosterone androgen-driven brain is built for problem solving,

Competition,

And competition is essentially a set of micro problems leading to trying to solve the big problem which is winning.

So when a woman is having feelings and she goes to her man to share those feelings related to a perceived problem,

I mean whether it's real or not actually doesn't matter in this situation,

It can kind of feel,

And I'll speak for myself,

I kind of feel like,

Okay,

I'm a carpenter,

I have these tools,

She's coming to me with this broken piece of furniture but she doesn't want me to fix it,

Right,

She just wants me to look at it with her and acknowledge the fact that it's broken,

And it seems crazy from a male brain again.

Women get it though,

Right,

That's what women do when they get together and actually a lot of this is rooted,

A lot of communication breakdown between men and women simply comes from the fact that in our hunter-gatherer days,

Which is what our social brain evolved for,

Women spent a lot of time with other women,

Their kin group,

Men spent a lot of time with other men,

Most of their time,

Even in a society where they monogamously pair-bonded and they had something resembling nuclear families or coupled relationships,

Still the women were often with the women,

So to women this makes sense,

Right,

One woman's having a bad day,

She shares her feelings,

The other women are usually quite interested in this activity of empathizing and then everybody feels better,

They regulate each other's emotions,

It's fun,

It's easy,

It's natural.

It is kind of unnatural,

I mean to be fair,

The isolated couple,

The nuclear family,

The way it is in our consumerist modern society is unnatural,

Right,

Even for the simple acts of a woman needing to seek this kind of corrective empathy from her male partner is kind of unnatural,

Which is why our strategies usually don't line up and it ends up being this kind of confusing thing as I'm describing.

And the other day it actually dawned on me that there is in fact a solution to this very common yet unnatural problem,

This communication breakdown between men and women due to our different brains.

It happened in a moment where my wife was having an emotional day,

She's with the baby a lot,

Obviously it's stressful,

Draining a lot of her energy,

She's having her emotions,

She had a perceived problem,

I started to like come in with solutions and I was like oh wait,

This is not the thing that she needs,

But then it kind of hit me like okay,

And I actually said this out loud to her,

I want you to have space to feel your feelings and I also want space to think my thoughts.

In other words,

In helping her or giving her what she needs in such a situation,

Which is empathy and the space to express herself and express her emotions,

I also want the authority or the ability to make decisions for both of our behalfs so that these things don't happen again in the future.

Because it's become a common idea as I mentioned,

Right?

Every relationship person speaking to men will say okay,

Women need to express their feelings,

But men also need to think their thoughts,

Men also need the ability to use their toolkit,

Right?

Just like women,

They have this natural instinctual expression to share their emotions with others,

Men have this natural instinctual ability and need to solve problems.

The thing is though,

If you're waiting to the point where if you're in an intimate relationship,

Your partner is already in crisis mode,

She's already stressed and upset and perceiving these problems whether they're real or not,

It's kind of too late.

The solution to this where the man gets to be a natural man and the woman gets to be a natural woman has to actually occur before this happens and it actually comes down to assuming a role that I think has become more and more taboo in modern day which is becoming the head of household.

And I think in today's climate,

It is an uncomfortable idea for many men partly because of the culture but partly maybe because of the way individual men have been raised to perceive power in themselves is an uncomfortable idea to be king of the realm,

To be head of household,

It maybe conjures ideas of being a tyrant or power tripping but that's not it.

It actually,

All of this kind of is in denial of our natural ways of connecting with each other intimately.

But if you can learn how to assume this role of head of household,

King of the realm,

In other words,

It's essentially how to wear the pants in the relationship,

You will feel better because you're behaving in accordance with your natural instincts.

She gets the opportunity to be a woman and feel her natural feelings and then everyone's happy and then we're all in harmony.

It does take a little education,

It takes a little maybe dipping into taboos and breaking cultural paradigms but it is the way to be more in line with nature and have a happier,

Healthier relationship.

This is episode 155,

Head of Households,

How to Wear the Pants in a Relationship.

So first,

What do we mean by head of household?

To assume head of household means you are making forward thinking decisions for the collective benefits of all which in a relationship means you and your partner,

Your father in a family or head of household of a group,

It means for the benefit of the entire family,

Of all of your dependence,

Of all of your workers,

Your teammates,

Followers,

Whatever the group is,

Right?

I'm gonna obviously focus on the intimate relationship slash family because that's the one where polarity is most clear but this of course applies to any situation where there's specialization of roles and you have taken the helm or leadership for the benefit of all.

As I cover extensively in my History of Man podcast,

The chief of the tribe,

The alpha male of the pack maybe gains his role,

Gains his status and the benefits that come with it through use of force.

I mean,

You see this in nature,

Rams butt heads,

Lions fight each other,

Gorillas fight each other for leadership but that role is held and the reason why the silverback gorilla gets the harem,

The reason why everyone follows the alpha male,

The reason why hunter-gatherer tribes willingly give privileges to the chief is that in those natural small social groups,

The chief has earned his place,

Not just through force,

Although that might be an element of it in nature at least,

But through his ability,

His strength benefits everybody in the group.

The decisions he makes benefits the group.

If the alpha male,

If the pack leader,

If the chief consistently was making decisions that only benefited him at the expense of the group,

He wouldn't keep his status very long in a natural group,

In a small intimate group of mammals.

There is a check and balance between the leader and the group.

When we think of power dynamics between humans in modern day situations,

We think corporations,

We think states,

We even think kingdoms,

This dynamic has been lost.

There's not a natural check and balance which is why so many people are kind of uncomfortable about having power.

There's always the fear of being a tyrant and of course we hear all of these stories of men misusing their power and this and that.

But the fact is if we look at nature,

The group wants the alpha male to be powerful because in exchange for whatever rewards he gets as being the highest status,

He offers them something in terms of security,

Maybe provisions,

But also direction.

It's the alpha male of a social group that acts as the brain essentially,

The executive decision maker which allows the entire body of the group to move as one.

Without someone,

Without a point as the executive,

As the decision maker,

The group is no longer in synergy.

If everyone is acting on their own,

They're no longer behaving together and getting the benefits of working together.

With the human relationship,

Even though our social groups on a macro scale have lost these natural checks and balances,

The intimate relationship,

The familial bonds still maintains this natural way of being.

There's still this direct connection between all of the people.

There's still obviously a direct connection between the masculine and the feminine in an intimate relationship.

But I found in myself and in many of the men I've coached on this idea or in relationships in general is kind of like this hidden discomfort or resistance to having power over others.

I mean,

I think our culture raises us to just think power is bad nowadays,

At least first world,

21st century culture has its viewpoints.

But also with that power comes responsibility,

Right?

To think,

Okay,

I am responsible for 90% of my girlfriend's wife's well-being.

I'm responsible for 99% of my children's well-being.

That can be very stressful.

And if some part of you sees yourself as a child,

And I'm talking to men here,

If you see yourself as a boy still,

Which a lot of men in their 30s,

40s,

Whatever still on some level see themselves as a kid,

Partly because I think of societal conditioning,

It can be very uncomfortable to think,

Okay,

I need to take responsibility for another person too.

But the fact is,

This is what's in line with nature,

Right?

Regardless of your perceptions,

Regardless of your politics,

Regardless of how you want to believe the world is,

Maybe everyone being the same.

The fact is,

At least when it comes to our reproductive instincts,

You know,

The things that make us attracted to each other sexually,

Drawn to each other romantically,

Choose to be in partnership to each other,

You know,

That still runs on some evolutionary wiring that came into existence long before human culture did,

Right?

You know,

That's why a lot of our sexual inclinations sometimes don't line up with what our mind thinks should be right and wrong,

Right?

That's because our sense of morality came millions of years after the hardware that governs our sexual instincts and attraction to each other.

And as relationship,

And specifically polarized relationship,

Is just part of essentially the mating process,

We need to recognize the truth of these things beneath whatever society says in this current iteration.

Now,

If you're really interested in the academic side of all this,

You should check out the History of Man podcast prologue episode,

We go through all of this.

But the thing you need to know now,

In terms of being head of household,

Is that the masculine in a sexual intimate relationship,

Potentially sexual relationship,

His role,

Your role,

Is to create a perimeter,

Right?

Is to create a perimeter for a woman,

For the feminine,

To choose to be in,

Right?

In the same way that birds make nests and the female will choose the nest of the male that made the best nest,

It's the same thing,

Right?

We don't make literal nests,

But you as a man create your nest somewhat through your ability to provide.

But of course,

Actually,

In modern day,

That's not the biggest thing that matters.

In modern day,

In the first world at least,

Physical survival needs are usually not the most important thing.

Always while no woman wants to date a broke guy,

If you're middle class or higher in the first world,

Or even if you're lower class,

But you live in a first world country,

You're not really worried about starvation most of the time,

Right?

And it's actually quite rare in the first world,

Let's say.

The thing that actually inspires a woman's reproductive instincts to feel safe,

To feel drawn to a man,

To feel like she can really surrender into her feminine,

Are the more spiritual aspects of the perimeter.

And when I say spiritual,

I don't mean like cosmic or metaphysical.

What I mean is the abstract,

Right?

Not the tangible stuff,

But the perceptions.

Are you someone who seems confident in how he moves about in the world,

Right?

Because that's going to inspire her that if she becomes pregnant with your child,

She can trust that you will make the confident decisions that will likely lead to her well-being,

Essentially.

Because if and when she's pregnant,

You know,

Been around a pregnant woman,

I mean,

This is where these ideas about polarity become very clear.

It's like emotions get really high,

Right?

Obviously hormones are flooding them,

Flooding the woman in a way that is just not the case when not pregnant.

And it's the most dependence a person ever gets,

Right?

She needs someone to help her move through the world because she's already undertaking the absolute most energy-intensive and important role in humanity,

Which is creating life in her body,

Right?

So your leadership is a gift you give a woman.

And even if you don't decide to have kids,

Right?

Obviously it becomes very real if you are actually making babies.

Still,

If you want to have an intimate polarized relationship with a woman where she trusts you and she surrenders and she's happy and you're also happy,

This is still the dynamic because all of our feelings related to intimacy are still,

They still evolve for the purpose of making babies.

And here's where you do need to let go of like the common,

More popular consumerist industrial postmodern idea that we are all the same and that life is whatever you think it is.

Like no,

No,

There actually are some things that are more real than our perceptions,

Nature,

Right?

Whether or not we observe nature to be true,

There are certain things that are true for nature.

And while as conscious sapient beings we can choose to do whatever we want and I'm all for freedom of anybody doing what they want,

There are certain things that we are prone to that we're good at and naturally interested in.

So like I don't lead my wife or try to make decisions for our family or contain the feminine,

However you want to put it,

Or assume head of household because my wife isn't capable,

Right?

She was a very capable,

I mean she is a very capable woman.

She ran a business for a long time before she got together with me.

She's been an independent,

Strong,

Capable human being.

When we have a child,

We are obviously in an intimate relationship where she is happiest in her feminine.

I am most attracted to her and I'm happiest when she's in her feminine.

So it is at least 50% on me to ensure that the conditions are met where she can be that way.

And here's,

You know,

I've said this before on my podcast where while I like Jordan Peterson a lot for a lot of the things he says about male psychology,

The one thing that I really disagree with him on is how to interact with women's emotions,

Right?

I've heard him say more than once like,

Oh,

When a woman is emotional and irrational,

There's nothing a man can do but throw his hands up.

And I actually disagree,

Right?

Superficially,

It seems that way.

And as I said in the intro,

If you've waited to the point where she's in an emotional crisis,

You probably missed a signal or you missed an opportunity earlier.

Because if you've really assumed the role of head of household,

We are really taking responsibility for the experience of everybody in your care.

Then you could have and maybe should have looked at the situation and saw where something could have been changed,

A system could have been put in place,

A solution could have been enacted before the problem to at least mitigate her emotions.

Now,

This is not to shame or blame any man who's with a particularly emotional wife.

Obviously,

There are things that are outside of your control.

I'm not saying you can control your wife's feelings and I wouldn't ever want to even try to.

But if you're having a recurring issue as I think when a man has gotten to the point of frustration with his partner,

It's probably a recurring issue,

Right?

If something's happened more than once,

If she's gotten upset about something more than once,

Okay,

Maybe in that moment it is too late to go back and fix something.

But that is the moment that you should,

Okay,

Make a note.

Let's think about this.

Maybe when you have some quiet time,

You think,

Okay,

What can we do so that this never happens again?

That is when you get to use your carpenter toolbox and create a system,

Create a plan that prevents something from happening.

So if you're already in a situation where your woman is in seeming emotional crisis,

Maybe you miss an opportunity or maybe it's a totally new situation that you couldn't possibly have foreseen,

Obviously there's a lot of things outside of your control and these things are going to happen because that is life.

That is certainly what it is,

Part of what it means to be intimate with a woman.

That is not the time to try to create solutions,

Right?

That is,

Basically,

That should have happened earlier.

You can prevent in the future.

In that moment,

The thing you need to do is handle her nervous system,

Right?

It might not be the most fun thing for a man.

I think this kind of thing of letting someone experience their feelings,

Offering them empathy,

Feeling the feelings with them,

It's kind of behavior that is more natural to women.

I mean,

When women get together,

That's usually what they do for fun,

For connection,

For bonding.

That's not how men bond,

For most men,

It's not the natural way to communicate or even offer help to somebody.

The fact is,

Unless she has women that she can go to or sometimes if you're in a relationship with a woman in the 21st century and you live together and that's just it,

That is just what has to happen,

Right?

That's just what you have to do.

Just suck it up and do it.

Just know,

You should be making mental notes of,

Okay,

I can't fix this instance right now but let me use my fore-thinking to prevent this from happening in the future and that comes from assuming some power and taking responsibility beyond your just yourself.

I mean,

As I said earlier,

The chief,

The alpha male,

The king,

In a natural social situation,

He earns his place.

He earns this place by benefiting his dependents through various things.

One big thing is his forward-thinking decision-making,

Right?

So I mean,

I think this is a good practice for anybody in any situation but especially if you have someone who's dependent on you in some way or you are taking on the masculine role to someone who's in her feminine,

In any situation but especially in intimate relationship,

You should have a regular practice of being in the general's tent,

So to speak.

Some regular time,

Whether it's in the morning or at night or some moments,

Ideally every day where you can assess not only your life which is just a healthy thing to do for the sake of mental health and well-being and planning your life and all that good stuff but also if you are taking on the masculine role in a relationship,

Whoever is the feminine to you,

Whoever is in some way dependent on you or whoever is within your perimeter,

It is on you if you really want to earn that position,

You need to also be thinking for their well-being.

You need to be thinking about their life and your life together and what's going on and thinking about her schedule and all those pieces because this is where the exchange becomes even,

Right?

I think from a modern day consumerist feminist perspective,

Men get the message,

Okay,

You have to be more empathic,

You have to support her more,

All of that is great and all that's true but I think a lot of guys start to feel a little resentful because it's like,

Okay,

I'm doing all of this extra but I don't have the agency to do what's right for me.

This is where the balance returns to the natural state of balance where yes,

You're doing,

You're expending a lot of extra energy for someone who's not you,

For someone who you care about ideally and what you get in return is the agency to do that,

Right?

This is where the exchange becomes even.

A polarized relationship is an asymmetrical relationship.

It doesn't mean it's uneven but it does mean that as you have more authority to make decisions,

It's on you to make forward-thinking decisions that benefit her.

That way,

She gets to relax,

She gets to give you all the gifts of a woman being interfeminine,

The love,

The softness,

The surrender,

The inspiration,

The sex,

All of that good stuff comes from you upholding your end of the deal.

And if you've never done this before,

You know,

I think especially in the mobile phone age,

It's increasingly difficult for people to sit and really think deeply which is why I think the most important tool for anyone who cares to be introspective about his or her life is to have a physical notebook.

Take some time every day to write in your notebook not only for your well-being but for her well-being,

For the family's well-being.

This is your opportunity to create pre-solutions to future problems.

The more you can think ahead for the well-being of your partner,

The less she has to think and the more she can feel whereas where all that good stuff comes from again.

It is on you as the masculine to create guiding principles and strategies of,

Okay,

If this situation happens again,

This is what we're going to do,

Right?

It's too late to try to react to a situation in the moment.

And with that is creating systems,

Right?

Because it is taxing on your own brain to have to think.

It's taxing on her brain to have to come up with solutions in the moment,

Right?

But if you've taken your contemplative time to foresee future problems and create systems so that neither one of you has to expend a lot of mental energy in an intense moment,

Everyone benefits.

Now,

Some very important troubleshooting because maybe your relationship is already in a rocky place,

Maybe your partner doesn't feel comfortable being interfeminine because you haven't held down the masculine well in the past or maybe you have been a tyrant when you've had power,

Whatever,

Right?

If this is the case,

You have to know that just because you are now trying to assume head of household and make collectively beneficial decisions and all that,

She might not trust it,

Right?

It's not going to magically change.

She might still react to your past bad behavior,

Incorrect behavior,

Weak behavior if that's what happened.

And you do need to give some time to allow that adjustment to occur.

I mean,

I would talk about this decided change with your partner just so she knows what you're doing.

And the fact is,

Especially if you have some pain between the two of you,

She might not accept the systems or solutions you offer,

She might not want to allow you the space to make decisions for her initially,

Expect that kind of resistance if there's already been instances where she's gotten hurt by you.

That's just the way it is.

However,

What should eventually happen after a sustained effort of positive action is at least an improvement in her reaction,

Right?

Because all of this again occurs deeper in our subconscious,

Deeper in our nervous system than our conscious voluntary minds,

Right?

If you're taking on this role well,

She should begin to calm down.

She should begin to feel better.

She should begin to relax and get upset less often.

You should fight less.

You should feel better and feel more like a man in the relationship.

It might take some time,

Especially it depends on how long you've had the incorrect dynamic or the anti-healthy polarized relationship dynamic.

However,

If it never gets better,

The truth is either it means that your systems suck,

Your ability to problem solve are not good,

And I mean that just because that is a possible truth,

Or it could mean that she is so hurt by the past,

Whether it's due to you or to past men or whatever,

That she's just not going to soften,

In which case you have to consider that maybe it's just not the right relationship,

Which is not to blame you nor her.

Sometimes things just don't line up or sometimes things are beyond repair.

I'm actually going to do another episode on how to assess whether or not you should leave your partner,

But that's all I'll say on that.

Because barring a major trauma or some really intense past wounds between the two of you,

This is the way that a man and a woman become to feel really healthy with each other,

Really happy with each other.

This is where she gets to be and feel like a natural woman and you get to feel like a natural man.

So if you have found yourself frustrated at times when your woman is consistently getting upset or you want to provide solutions and she just wants to feel hurt and it just feels unnatural or just not fun for you,

Try assuming the role of head of household.

Make more responsibility,

Make more forward thinking decisions,

Stop complaining,

Stop being resentful and see if things start to get better.

If you have any questions or thoughts,

I'd love to read them.

Just drop a comment below.