You Don't Have To Be Special To Be Lovable

So many of us believe we have to be special to be lovable and worthy. This puts so much pressure on us to be great, amazing, perfect, or better than others. But what if you deserved just as much love regardless of how good you are at anything?

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and my message today is that you don't have to be special to be lovable.

So I don't know about you,

But I always thought I was special growing up.

Maybe you did too.

Sometimes we have a reason for it,

Like I'm really good at math or I'm really good at this or I'm better than others at that.

And sometimes we just feel like I'm special for no reason at all or seemingly no reason.

And this can feel good and it can be helpful at times,

But there comes a point in our life for many of us where trying to be special or feel special creates a lot of pain.

Now the pain that may arise may have to do with the pressure,

The pressure to always be special,

To always be better than others,

To always be the best,

To always be unique,

To always be different in whatever our field is.

Or it can come in the form of shame that for my whole life I thought I was special and then my life is actually quite ordinary.

I'm ordinary in my career,

Ordinary in my.

.

.

And just how I'm living my life.

So yeah,

And for some of you there might be an attachment or at least a desire to hold on to the belief that you're special because it feels good and sometimes maybe helps you even break out of pain or to not fall victim to helplessness or hopelessness or things like this.

So if you want to keep I am special,

You're welcome to.

But if you have found that the belief I am special creates pain,

Then you can continue watching this video and I welcome you to explore it with me.

I am special.

I am special.

Say it to yourself,

Like feel it.

So if you've kind of lived your life with this belief I am special in some way,

I invite you to say it to yourself,

To close your eyes and tell yourself I am special.

Feel what comes up in you.

Perhaps something nice.

Perhaps pressure,

Perhaps shame,

Anything.

And then I want you to tell yourself I am normal.

I am completely normal.

And feel what comes up for you.

For those of us who have identified as special,

When we view ourselves as normal it can be the most terrifying thing in the world to feel ourselves,

Think of ourselves,

To be normal.

You recognize this?

And what's underneath this fear is this unconscious idea,

This unconscious belief that I only deserve love if I'm special.

I don't deserve love if I'm normal.

I don't deserve love if I'm just like everyone else.

I have to be the best at something.

I have to excel at something.

Maybe I have to be better at math.

Maybe I have to be better at school.

Maybe I have to be the best one at my job.

Maybe I have to be the wisest one.

Maybe I have to be the happiest one.

Maybe I have to be the kindest one.

But I have to differentiate myself from others and be better than others to be special in order to be lovable,

In order to be worthy,

In order to deserve others' kindness,

Attention,

Care,

Intimacy and connection,

Friendship,

Romance.

That I have to be the best,

Unique,

Different,

Better,

Special to deserve the goodness in life particularly from others.

And I'm here to say that's not true.

That is unbelievably false.

You don't need to be better at anything to deserve love.

You don't need to be better at anything to deserve connection,

Intimacy,

Friendship,

Any of these things.

Just feeling which direction I want to go next in this.

So if you like a song,

If you listen to a hundred songs on the radio,

Maybe one or two songs or maybe five songs,

Whatever songs pull you in,

You're not giving it attention.

You're not loving it because it's better than the other 95 songs.

It's pulling you in because it just has a residency match,

An energetic match.

It just feels in alignment with where you are in the moment.

If you're sad,

Maybe it is a sad vibration.

It's coming from a sad energy and it just feels perfect,

Aligned.

If you're happy and you want something upbeat,

Then a certain song comes on with an upbeat,

A fast tempo,

Feels light and it just feels aligned.

The reason you're giving it time,

Attention,

Love,

Whatever,

Connection,

Your energy is because it feels aligned.

It feels resonant.

It feels right.

Not because it's better than the other songs.

Not because it's unique.

Not because it's the best.

Not because it's special.

You might believe it's special.

You might believe it's better.

You might believe it's the best,

But you'd be wrong because no song is better or is best.

It's just what is a match for you in this particular moment.

That's why in another moment when you're in a different energy,

When you're feeling differently,

Whether that's an hour later or a week later or 10 years later,

A different song will resonate with you.

It's not that you got better.

It's not that your taste got better and you're capable of judging better.

It's just that where we are in a moment will determine what we are a match for.

So it's the same with other human beings.

If someone comes into your life,

Do you decide whether to spend time with them to give them love based on how successful they are,

How good they are within their field,

How wise they are,

How happy they are?

Are you basing it on some idea of whether they are good,

Best,

Special,

Or are you basing it on how it feels to be with them?

It is much more enjoyable.

It is much more efficient.

It is much more flowing,

Nice,

Serving to choose who to spend time with based on how it feels rather than some ideas in our head of what is good or best or suitable or anything like that.

But oftentimes,

As children,

Our parents wanted to believe we are special so that they could feel good about themselves.

And when they believe we are special,

They give us more love.

If we do better in our class at drawing,

Like if we're three years old and everyone's drawing something,

Everyone's drawing a dog,

And our parents come and they see the way we've drawn a dog is way more advanced than the way everyone else has drawn a dog.

So they're so proud of us.

We're better than everyone.

We're special.

We have a gift for being good at drawing or we have fine motor skills that are better than others.

And so anytime our parents give us more love when we are better than others,

What it teaches us unconsciously,

Of course,

Is that when I'm good at something,

I deserve love.

And when I'm not good at something,

I don't.

And when our parents believe that we're special in any particular thing,

In math and drawing and talking and our appearance,

Then we pick up on that.

Yeah,

I'm special.

We sort of get imprinted with this,

I'm special,

Which can seem to serve us,

But it's conditional love.

I love you if you're special.

I give you care,

Affection,

Gifts,

Hugs when you achieve,

When you're good at something.

And then I don't give it to you.

I withhold love,

Affection,

Care,

Gifts when you're not good at something.

Not that necessarily I'm mean to you when you're not doing something special or great.

I just don't give you the good stuff.

So we learn I only deserve the good stuff in life,

Connection,

Love,

Intimacy,

Care,

Time,

Friends,

Lovers,

If I'm great,

If I'm wonderful.

But that's not true.

Everyone deserves love,

Care,

Affection,

Intimacy,

And all the beautiful things in life,

Regardless of how skilled they are at anything.

So it is a sneaky trap to try to hold on to,

I am special,

I am the best,

I am the greatest in something.

I've had to let go of it in so many ways.

It can be kind of sneaky,

It can morph.

So I used to think I was the greatest,

I was the smartest.

I feel like sharing a ridiculous story a little bit.

When I was young,

This is going to sound insane,

But it was my reality.

So when I was young,

If I went on a train or if I went on a plane,

Afterwards,

I would or during,

I would imagine the plane or the train crashing.

And then I was the only one that would survive.

And I was proud of it because I was so smart that I would find a way out to survive while nobody else did.

And I'm embarrassed by that.

But it was like,

It was my tool,

This I'm special helped me feel safe,

Helped me feel good about myself.

It helped me feel like I deserve attention.

It helped me feel,

Avoid fears,

Right?

So I don't have to feel the fear of failure or dying or whatever.

I just convinced myself I'm so special that couldn't happen to me.

And so this I'm special gives such safety for many of us,

Right?

Our achievements,

Our accomplishments,

How good we are at things,

That even if we lose it in one area,

It morphs.

So as I,

I had to be willing to lose,

I am the smartest,

I am the greatest,

This I am special to allow myself to be stupid,

To allow myself to be illogical,

To allow myself to make mistakes,

Because otherwise it's this pressure all the time to be smart,

To be perfect.

And it actually was blocking my intuition.

When I was holding on to the attachment to I'm smart,

It was a particular form of smart,

A particular form of intellect that blocked openings and access to other gifts and capacities that I have within myself.

But then as I started to feel like happier or peaceful or wiser,

Then I thought,

Oh,

I'm special because I'm wise.

I'm special because I'm happy.

I'm special because I can see thoughts clearly or whatever.

And so the ego picks up on these new identities,

Right,

To try to find specialness in any place it can,

To say I'm better than others,

A comparison,

To try to like have safety and strength and security and I am great.

But it's never actually enough.

And it never supports us to be loving because then other people are our competition,

Our competitors.

I have to be better in order to be lovable.

So that means you're all people who I'm trying to compete with to be better than.

You understand?

It can give you highs to think I'm special,

Wise,

Happy,

Smart,

Successful,

Wealthy.

You'll find,

You'll try to find specialness perhaps in any area of your life,

Even the kindest one.

Sometimes even in spirituality,

You find specialness in I'm the most humble one.

So like I don't want to make money just so that I can feel like I'm special,

That I'm above that.

I'm too spiritual for that or whatever.

And so my invitation for you here today is to go in the exact opposite direction.

Whatever you try to find specialness in,

Superiority in,

In your life,

Imagine going the exact opposite way.

So if I'm special because I'm kind,

But what if I'm just as selfish and judgmental as everyone else?

Do I still deserve love?

Yeah.

And so when I say we deserve love from others,

Even more important is we deserve love from ourselves.

Right?

So no matter whether I'm smart or stupid,

Whether my intellect is fast or slow,

Whether my appearance matches society's concept of beauty or not,

Whether I have success or not financially,

Whether I'm wise or not,

Whether I'm happy or not,

Can I still love myself?

Can I still respect myself?

Can I still care for myself?

You understand?

Because we deserve it from everyone,

But what has the most impact is if we can give it to ourselves.

And the journey for giving it to ourselves mostly comes from unhooking or letting go of what came from our parents.

So as I was saying before,

My invitation to you is to imagine yourself being the opposite.

Whatever you're trying to find superiority in,

I'm superior because my wealth,

My intellect,

My charm,

My wisdom.

Ask yourself,

Do I deserve love?

Can I love myself?

Can I accept myself if I'm the exact opposite?

If I'm normal in that way,

If I'm poor,

If I'm mentally slow,

If I'm a failure,

Can I still love myself?

And the part of you that comes up that can't is usually mom or dad not giving us love when we weren't succeeding,

When we weren't good at something.

Yeah.

So you deserve love if you're not superior in any way at all.

You deserve love if you're not great at anything at all.

You don't have to be great,

Superior,

Or special in anything to be lovable.

And when you recognize that,

It calms us.

It lightens life.

Takes off this pressure to be the greatest,

To be the most special.

We can still have our motivation,

But our motivation comes more from passion,

Aliveness,

Joy,

Pull,

Whatever,

Instead of this,

I need to keep pushing myself to succeed or accomplish or whatever,

To be special,

To be great,

To prove my differentiation.

And let me also be clear,

None of us are normal.

We're all unique.

We're all special in our own ways,

But not because we're better than others or gifted at a particular skill,

But we're all just unique and special just for breathing,

Just for being alive.

Every baby deserves love,

Even if they have no special talent.

Every adult deserves love,

Even if they don't have any special talent.

So I invite you to sit with that today and any day that you feel like it.

Thanks for joining me.

Bye.