How To Overcome Social Anxiety - Quick & Lasting Impact

This talk will provide you with exercises and insights to help you immediately reduce your social anxiety. I go to the roots of your social anxiety in order to provide you with lasting anxiety relief.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrieve and in this video,

I'm going to show you how to lose your social anxiety,

How to stop worrying about others' opinions.

This video isn't filled with simple tips that will have a little impact on your life.

What I'm speaking about here is meant to show you what's at the core of social anxiety and how to address it at the core so that it has a massive impact on your life.

Not a small impact,

A huge impact.

So that being said,

Let's dive into it.

So when we have positive thoughts about ourselves,

It gives us some pleasure.

If you think to yourself,

I am attractive,

Smart,

Successful,

Funny,

Cool,

Popular,

Good mom,

Good at my job,

Any of those types of thoughts,

You get some pleasure from it.

And when you have negative thoughts about yourself,

I am ugly,

Unattractive,

Stupid,

Failure,

Bad at my job,

Strange,

Something's wrong with me,

We feel feelings we don't want like depression,

Shame,

Sadness,

Loneliness,

Lack,

And those types of things.

So therefore,

We go through life trying to improve ourselves,

Which is really just improve our thoughts about ourselves.

We try to go from failure to successful,

Unattractive to attractive,

Boring to interesting,

Not interesting to funny,

Unlikable to likable,

And all those types of things.

And so how do we do that?

We have two main ways that we try to improve our idea of ourselves.

One is by trying to change the facts of ourselves or our situation.

So that would be trying to get a promotion,

Trying to make more money,

Trying to lose weight,

Trying to get healthier,

Trying to get more muscle,

Trying to learn a language,

Trying to learn new skills,

Trying to make friends,

Trying to add things to our life,

Trying to whatever,

Change the facts.

The other way that we try to improve our idea of ourselves is by seeking positive opinions from others.

So when someone compliments us and says you're attractive,

It helps us to think I'm attractive or it improves it.

If someone says you're so successful or you're so nice or you're such a good mom or any of these types of things,

It helps to improve our idea of ourselves and that gives us a corresponding feeling of pleasure.

But also anytime anybody seems to suggest that they like us,

Like they call us,

Want to be our friend,

Ask to date us or looks at us or any of that,

Their positive opinions helps to improve our opinion of ourselves,

Which gives us pleasure.

So those are the two ways that we look to make ourselves happy and improve our idea of ourselves.

But the inherent issue with that is as long as a compliment or someone wanting to date us or talk to us or look at us or be with us improves our idea of ourselves and gives us pleasure,

Well then when someone insults us,

Rejects us,

Doesn't want to spend time with us,

Well that gives us pain.

That hurts our idea of ourselves,

Which gives us a corresponding feeling of hurt,

Sadness,

Shame,

There's something wrong with me,

Depression and all of that.

So that is the cause of social anxiety.

As long as a negative opinion or negative comment or negative seemingly action or any of that can take away your happiness,

Make you suffer or give you pain,

You are going to fear that outcome.

There's no way around it.

And when you fear others opinions,

When you have social anxiety,

That has a lot of different impacts on your life,

Right?

You're constantly evaluating what others think,

Evaluating their facial expressions,

Their actions,

Their words to see whether they like you or not.

You have to pre-plan what to say because you're scared of being spontaneous in the moment.

You don't say what you want to say because you're scared of being honest.

You don't do what you want to do because you're scared that others will judge you for it.

You might be scared to speak in public,

Give presentations,

Answer questions in class.

You might constantly plan conversations in advance thinking about it.

You might just have a lot of anxiety and fear.

You might not be willing to go and make friends or willing to put yourself out there in any situation because you're scared of what others think.

These are just some of the impacts that come when we are impacted by negative opinions.

And all of that is quite rational,

Let me point out.

If positive opinions give you pleasure and negative opinions give you pain,

Which is what the vast majority of the world feels,

Then it makes sense to fear the negative opinions.

So how do you lose this social anxiety?

Well,

In order to lose social anxiety,

You need to understand the way thoughts work more clearly.

You need to understand what others' opinions really mean so that others' opinions stop impacting you.

When you get to a point where a negative opinion doesn't create an impact on your experience of life,

Well then you have nothing to fear and your social anxiety completely disappears.

So now,

Getting into the meat of this video,

Let's take a look more closely at what others' words and opinions do to us.

So the thing is,

Is that when someone speaks something to us,

When someone says something to us,

That actually doesn't impact us.

What impacts us is if we believe it.

So let me give you an example of what I mean by that.

If you're walking down the street and some random stranger who kind of looks homeless or something says to you,

You're terrible at your job,

But they've never seen you do your work or anything like that,

How is that going to make you feel?

Well,

You probably won't feel much,

Maybe a little annoyed that they would say something like that,

But you're not going to feel hurt,

Sad,

Bad,

That much,

Right?

Or at all probably.

But now,

Imagine your boss said the exact same thing to you.

You are terrible at your job.

What are you going to feel?

Well,

You'd probably feel hurt,

Sad,

Ashamed,

Maybe angry at him.

So in both those situations,

You heard the exact same words,

Exact same opinion directed at you.

So why was the impact different?

Probably because in one situation,

You didn't believe the words that they spoke to you.

In the other situation,

You did.

So to give you another example,

If you're walking down the street and some random stranger who doesn't look very credible to you says to you,

You're unworthy of love.

I know it's a strange thing for a homeless person to say,

But imagine that.

You're just walking past and they say,

You're unworthy of love.

Well,

You might feel a little bit,

But are you going to feel much from that?

They never met you.

They never talked to you.

Now imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend after dating you for a few months says to you,

You're unworthy of love.

Which one's going to have a bigger impact?

Well,

The one that you've been dating is,

They both say the exact same words,

The one you've been dating and the stranger.

Well,

One's likely to have very little impact,

If any at all,

And the other one's likely to have a massive impact on you.

Why?

Because you believe it when they say it and you don't believe it when they say it.

So what that means is that others' opinions don't actually affect you.

Others' words don't actually affect you.

The only time you get affected,

Emotionally impacted,

Is when you believe their words to be true.

So what is the impact that it has on us or why does it have an impact on us when we believe it?

Well,

When someone says something negative to us and we believe it,

Or when someone seemingly has a negative opinion about us and we believe it,

It has an impact on us for two reasons.

One,

It worsens the idea of ourselves.

So we go from I am lovable to unlovable,

Smart to stupid,

Successful to failure,

Cool to strange.

Right?

It's completely from I am great,

I am terrible,

But it worsens our idea of ourselves.

Depending on how much we believe their opinion will determine how much our idea of ourselves worsens.

And the other thing that it does to us when we believe someone's opinion is it reaffirms something about ourselves that we didn't want to admit.

So let's say I'm trying to convince myself that I'm funny,

But deep down I really think I'm boring and I'm not interesting at all.

Well,

If someone says to me that I'm boring,

That I'm not interesting,

Then it's going to remind me I've been trying to lie to myself,

But really I know I've been boring all along.

And that both of those create hurt,

Sadness,

Shame,

Sense of something's wrong with me,

Sense of being unlovable,

Sense of something missing,

And all of that.

Okay?

Does that make sense?

So you're not actually scared of others' opinions.

Nobody is.

Nobody is scared of others' opinions or others' words.

What you're scared of is suffering,

Which makes sense,

Right?

But others' words and opinions can't actually cause you to suffer.

Nobody can hurt you.

Nobody can make you suffer.

The only time you suffer is if you believe somebody else's words to be true.

A negative opinion,

A negative word,

An insult,

A rejection can't create any feeling for you if you don't believe their words to be true,

Right?

As we've seen from those examples.

So let's be very clear.

You're not afraid of others' opinions.

You're afraid of suffering.

So how do you stop suffering?

Simply recognize that their opinions aren't true.

And it may seem like you don't automatically assume others' opinions are true.

But let me show you why you do,

How it's an assumption that we never really question.

So when we're young,

When we're first born,

You know,

All the way up through our schooling system,

We're basically taught to believe what anyone says.

So when our mother says,

This is a cup,

We say,

Okay,

That's a cup.

When she says,

That's the sky,

We say,

Okay,

That's the sky.

She says,

That's a cloud.

We say,

Okay,

That's a cloud.

When our teacher says,

That's red,

That's a square,

We just say,

Okay.

There's no questioning of whether what they're saying is true or not.

The same goes for when we do a little dance when we're two,

Three,

Four,

Five,

And our mother says,

You did great.

We just say,

Okay,

Yay,

I did great.

In the same way as we hear,

That's a cup,

Like it's a fact.

And when they say,

You did bad,

We just hear,

I did bad.

In the same way that that's the color red.

You did good,

You did bad.

The same goes with what our teachers say.

So then of course,

When someone says,

You're so cute,

We hear that also the same way,

That's the sky,

You're so cute,

Fact.

And they say,

That doesn't look good on you,

Or that looks strange,

Or that is bad,

We say,

Oh no,

I am bad.

We just automatically believe what anyone says.

And then taking that into later schooling,

When they say,

You're cool,

We say,

Yay,

I'm cool.

When they say,

You're strange,

We say,

Oh no,

I'm strange.

When they want to date us,

We say,

Yay,

I'm lovable.

When they break up with us,

We say,

Oh no,

There must be something wrong with me.

So unconsciously,

We automatically assume whatever anyone thinks about me is true.

Whatever opinion anyone has is true,

Because nobody taught us to question this assumption.

You see,

We're trained to believe anything anyone says.

And then we wonder why our society is filled with social anxiety,

Fearing others' opinions.

Because we're taught others' opinions are simply true,

Real,

And factual,

Just like a cup and the color red.

But they're not.

I'd like you to imagine a situation for me.

Imagine that you're taking care of a little kid.

Let's say he's like a four-year-old boy,

And he's playing a game,

A game where there's a wooden board filled with different shaped holes.

So there's a hole shaped like a square,

A hole shaped like a circle,

A hole shaped like a triangle.

And then he has three wooden pieces shaped like a triangle,

Square,

And circle.

And his job,

The little four-year-old boy,

Is to try to pick the right shape and put it in the right hole.

So imagine that he picks up a square piece of wood,

And he tries to put it in the triangle-shaped hole.

And it doesn't fit.

And then he says to you,

Hey,

This shape isn't good enough for that one.

This shape is bad.

What are you going to say to the little boy?

What are you going to say?

It's not that this shape isn't good enough.

It's not that there's something wrong with that shape.

It's just that it doesn't fit in that particular hole.

Right?

So the same is true in life.

If someone doesn't like us,

That doesn't mean that we are bad.

It means we're not the right fit.

If someone thinks that we are unattractive.

It doesn't mean we are.

It means that we are not the right fit.

And if someone thinks we're stupid,

It doesn't mean we are,

It's that we're not the right fit.

If someone thinks we're strange,

It doesn't mean we are,

It means that we're not the right fit.

We get very confused between not good enough and not the right fit.

Okay?

And we'll get into that in more details later.

But keep that in mind for right now.

So,

Now we're going into the exercise component of the video where I'm going to walk you through a process,

An explanation that you can use to lose your social anxiety now and at any point in the future.

So take a moment now to answer this question for yourself.

What am I scared others will think about me?

What do I really not want others to think about me?

You can pause the video and really answer that question.

It's very,

Very important.

You can write it down if you think it will be helpful.

For some people it's very helpful to write it down.

So for example,

You might say,

I'm scared that they'll think I'm ugly,

Scared that they'll think I'm strange,

I'm scared that they'll think I'm stupid,

That I'm not cool,

That I'm boring,

That I'm bad at my job,

That something.

So write it down or have it in your head.

This is what I really don't want them to think about me.

And then take a moment to look.

Why don't you want them to think that about you?

It's simply because you believe that their opinion is true.

So if you're scared that others will think you're ugly,

What you're essentially saying is if they think I'm ugly,

Then I must be ugly.

If they think I'm stupid,

Then I must be stupid.

If they think I'm strange,

I must be strange.

So what you're scared of is thinking of yourself as that thing you're scared of.

So you don't want to think of yourself in that way.

And if somebody else thinks of you as stupid,

Failure,

Selfish,

Bad mom,

Whatever,

Then it automatically means you have to think of yourself that way.

But that's not true.

You're automatically assuming their opinion is true and real.

And then when you believe their opinion is true and real,

It worsens your opinion of yourself or it reminds you or reaffirms something you were trying to not believe.

You're trying to go from I'm a bad mom to good mom and you're trying to show others so that you can help convince yourself.

But when someone says you're a bad mom,

I knew I was all along.

I'll never convince myself.

So is their negative opinion about you true?

Well,

Instead of spending your entire life trying to get other people to think positive about you and trying to make sure nobody ever thinks of you in the way you're scared of and thinks about you in a negative way,

There's a much easier way to avoid social anxiety and not feel like this other than to make sure everyone only thinks positive about you.

And that is,

Because that's impossible,

And that is to recognize that others' opinions about you aren't true.

So is their opinion about you true?

To illustrate why it's not,

Let's look at a little scenario.

If you go to a camp,

Okay,

You stop by a camp that's,

Let's say a basketball camp,

And you don't like basketball at all.

You like soccer.

And they all love basketball and hate soccer.

And then they tell you,

You're strange.

There's something wrong with you.

Is it true?

Is there something wrong with you?

Are you strange?

Are you bad?

No,

It's just not the right fit.

If you go to a camp where everybody loves to dance,

A dancing camp,

And you hate dancing,

Does that mean if they all hate you and say there's something wrong with you and you're bad,

Does that mean that you are?

No.

If you go to a camp where everybody's trying,

It's a guys' camp and they're all trying to pick up girls,

Right?

Like it's like a pickup artist camp or something like that where they all,

Their goal is to hook up with as many girls as possible.

And you just want to have one girlfriend,

Not a lot of them.

And they think there's something wrong with you.

Is there actually something wrong with you?

No,

It's just not the right fit.

If you go to a camp where everybody likes blondes and you're a brunette,

Is there something wrong with you?

No,

You're not the right fit.

So the same thing is true in every situation.

At your school,

At your company,

They may think you're strange,

But does that mean you are?

No,

It just means you're not the right fit with those people.

If they think that you're stupid or the way you talk isn't interesting or your life isn't interesting or you're bad at your job or whatever,

It's just not the right fit.

It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Does that make sense?

It really needs to be clear in order to free you from this.

To make it more clear,

Imagine that someone has,

Imagine the person whose opinion you're scared of.

Right?

There's a specific person who's popular at school or popular at your job or mother or friend or whatever.

Imagine someone whose opinion you're really scared of.

Now look,

If they like a song,

Does that mean that song is good?

No,

Plenty of other people might not like it.

It doesn't mean it's good just because they like it.

If they think a painting is ugly,

Does that mean that painting is ugly?

No,

Somebody else might think that painting is beautiful.

If they think a food is bad tasting,

Does that mean that food is bad tasting?

No,

Somebody else might love that food.

If they think a movie is funny or a movie is boring,

Does that mean it is?

No,

Of course not.

That's just an opinion.

It has nothing to do with the fact.

Their opinion of the song has nothing to do with the song.

Their opinion of the movie has nothing to do with the movie.

Their opinion of the food,

Their opinion of a painting,

Has nothing to do with the actual painting.

Right?

So,

If they think you are ugly,

Does that mean anything about you?

If they think you're bad,

You're selfish,

You're stupid,

You're strange,

There's something wrong with you,

Does that mean that there is?

No,

Treat it like you're a painting.

Right?

If somebody thinks a painting is bad,

It doesn't mean it is.

Everybody will view the painting differently.

Everyone will view the song differently.

But none of those opinions mean anything about the painting or song itself.

There's nothing actually wrong with you.

It doesn't matter if somebody thinks it.

Right?

If someone doesn't like a song,

It doesn't mean there's something wrong with the song.

It means it's not the right fit.

Right?

Really get that.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Treat it like a song,

A painting.

Think of them as not liking one of those things and how it doesn't really mean anything about those things in and of itself.

We get really confused between something is bad and it's not the right fit.

Right?

Really unknowingly confused.

So when someone says a song is bad,

It's not bad.

It's not the right fit for them.

When someone says a painting is bad,

It's not bad.

It's not the right fit for them.

So when someone says you are ugly,

You are boring,

You are strange,

It's not that you are,

It means you're not the right fit for them.

You're very clear on that.

Just like I said with the game of the little boy.

When he puts the square in the triangle hole,

It's not that that shape is bad.

It's just not the right fit.

The same goes for everyone's opinion about you.

So whose opinion are you scared of more than anybody else's?

Is there one person whose opinion you really,

Really value?

You see,

What tends to happen is when we think of somebody as great or we care about someone or we love someone or they're close to us,

We tend to value their opinion more strongly than anybody else's.

So if there's a popular person at school or someone who's really good at their job at work or your mother or your boyfriend or your friend or whatever,

You tend to value their opinion more than anybody else's.

But as long as you value their opinion more than anybody else's,

You're stuck in a prison.

The prison of my happiness is dependent on how they feel about me,

Which creates so much worry in trying to be a certain way.

You need to devalue or discredit their opinion and recognize that their opinion doesn't mean any more about you than anybody else's opinion.

And the way to do that once again is to compare it to something else.

If they like the food,

And somebody else hates it,

Who's right?

If they hated a painting and somebody else loves it,

Who's right?

If they hated a song,

And someone else loves it,

Who's right?

If they think you're unworthy,

And someone else thinks you're worthy,

Who's right?

If they think you're ugly and someone else thinks you're not,

Who's right?

If they think you're a failure and someone else thinks you're not,

Who's right?

Nobody's opinion is more real,

Valid,

Or true than anybody else's.

So take a moment really to let that sink in.

Whose opinion am I scared of?

And is their opinion somehow more true and mean more about me than anybody else's?

There's no such thing.

The next thing to disbelieve and see more clearly is your opinion.

So you need to disbelieve your own opinion about yourself because a lot of the time when we are afraid of someone's opinion,

It's because we actually believe that about ourselves,

At least partially.

So if you're afraid others think you're strange,

That's because you believe you're strange most likely.

If you're afraid that others will think you're unattractive,

That's probably because you think you're unattractive.

If you're afraid that others will think you're a failure,

It's likely because you think you're a failure.

So in order to be free of that,

You need to recognize that whatever opinion you're afraid of,

First acknowledge,

Do I feel that way about myself?

Do I actually believe the opinion that I fear?

Do I believe that about myself?

And if so,

To any degree,

You need to question the validity of your opinion in the same way that you did the other ones and in some new ways.

So first you can ask yourself,

If I think a painting is beautiful,

Does that mean it is?

So if I think a painting is ugly,

Does that mean it is?

No.

If I think a song is terrible,

Does that mean it is?

If I think somebody else is bad,

Does that mean they are?

If I think a food is terrible,

Does that mean it is?

So whatever opinion you have about yourself,

Is that true just because you have an opinion that it is?

No,

Of course not.

There's nothing wrong with you.

It's just a story you're telling yourself and you believe that your opinion is automatically true just like you believe others' opinions are automatically true.

But it's not.

The other thing to ask yourself to disbelieve your idea of yourself is to simply ask yourself,

Can I think of any reasons or examples as to why the opposite might be true?

So if you think I'm a failure,

You can ask yourself,

Did I succeed at anything I've ever done?

Well yeah,

I succeeded at this,

This,

This.

If you think you're unattractive,

You can ask yourself,

Can I think of any reasons as to why I'm not?

Well,

Because I have this quality,

That quality,

Some people like me,

Whatever.

If you think that you're stupid,

If you think that you're strange,

Ask yourself,

Can I think of any reasons or examples as to why the opposite might be true?

And for most of us,

We can find reasons as to why the opposite might be true.

And if the opposite could also be true,

Then how do you know that the negative is true?

How do you know that your original viewpoint was true if the opposite could just as easily be true?

You don't know.

So it's not about convincing yourself,

No,

You're good.

It's about seeing you don't know whether you're bad or good,

Right?

The bad isn't true.

You just don't know.

I don't know.

But on top of that,

What you need to recognize is the bad isn't part of reality.

So right now,

If you look at this movement,

Is this a good or a bad movement?

It's just a movement,

Right?

Good or bad doesn't exist on the movement itself,

Right?

Is this a good or a bad movement?

It's just a movement.

You can't find good or bad on the hand movement.

Good or bad exists in your own imagination,

Not part of reality.

So my hand is here now,

Right?

That means anything not here now can't be my hand because my hand is here.

If it's not here,

It's not my hand,

Right?

If there's a glove not here,

The glove isn't part of my hand.

So you are here right now with me,

Right?

You are here right now.

So where's your hand?

Show me your hand.

Show me your nose.

Touch your nose.

I know it's ridiculous,

But do it anyhow.

Show me your ears.

Now,

Show me where is boring.

Show me where is failure.

Show me where is stupid.

Show me where is strange.

Show me where something is wrong with you.

In reality,

Not in your imagination,

Right?

Be very clear.

Where's my phone?

Where's my computer?

Where's my shirt?

Where's something wrong with you?

Where's something stupid,

Bad,

Failure,

Whatever?

Show it to me.

If you can't show it to me,

If it doesn't exist in the same world as shirt,

Phone,

Computer,

Then it doesn't exist.

It's just imaginary.

It doesn't exist as part of the facts.

It's not part of reality.

Reality is quite simply anything that you can find through any of your five senses,

Right?

Touch it,

Touch it,

Taste it,

Hear it,

Smell it.

If you can't do any of those things,

Then it doesn't exist,

Right?

It must be imaginary.

All right,

So I can imagine a dragon,

But I can't find it through any of my five senses.

So where's something wrong with you?

You might say you have a feeling,

But if I have a feeling in my finger and then I say that means there's something wrong with me,

Well,

There's no connection there.

There's a feeling in my finger,

Pressure,

Tension,

Contraction,

But it doesn't mean something's wrong with me,

Right?

So look right now.

Where is something wrong with you in reality?

Where is ugly in reality?

You might say,

Oh,

But I'm ugly.

I can find it in reality.

I can touch it.

I can see it.

Look at my nose.

Is it pretty or ugly?

Pretty or ugly don't exist on my nose,

Just like bad doesn't exist on this movement.

You look at my nose,

One person says pretty,

One person says ugly,

And they both think they're true,

But neither one is on my nose.

What happens is you picture,

When you look at my nose and I ask pretty or ugly,

What happens is automatically you create a picture in your head of what the perfect nose looks like and then compare mine to your idea of perfect.

But your idea of perfect isn't part of reality.

It's imaginary.

It's just what you were taught.

You see,

When we're young,

We're completely content with how we are,

Completely fulfilled,

Until someone teaches us,

If we're fat,

We're completely fine,

And someone teaches us fat is bad,

Skinny is good,

And then we feel insufficient.

We're completely fine with our weight until someone teaches us that.

Whether we're outgoing or shy,

We feel fine,

But if we're shy,

We're fine until three,

Four,

And then someone says outgoing is good,

Shy is bad,

Then we feel insufficient for being shy.

And the list goes on and on.

So you were taught many ideas of what is good and perfect,

And then you're constantly comparing reality to your definition of perfect,

Which isn't a real definition.

It doesn't exist in reality,

And your definition isn't more true than anybody else's.

It doesn't exist.

So where is something wrong with you in reality that we can verify?

What's the shape of wrong?

What's the size of wrong?

What's the smell of it?

What's the taste of it?

What's the texture?

What's the color?

If you can't show me any of those things for wrong,

Bad,

Strange,

Failure,

Stupid,

Bad,

Mom,

Unselfish,

Bad at my job,

Whatever,

Awkward,

It's not who you are.

Do any of those things exist in any moment that you don't think about it?

Do any of those qualities exist in any moment that you don't think about it?

When you're here giving me full attention,

Where's awkward,

Where's strange,

Where's bad,

Where's wrong?

If it only exists when you think about it,

That's the definition of imaginary.

My nose still exists even when I'm not thinking about it.

That's how I know it's real.

So where's awkward,

Strange,

Angry,

Sad,

Depressed person,

Ashamed person,

Socially anxious person?

Where's boring,

Interesting,

Stupid,

Smart,

Funny,

Any of that stuff,

Where is it in reality right now?

Or does it only exist when you think about it?

You see,

We confuse who we are with an imaginary story in our head.

Stop,

Come back to this moment,

To reality.

If you can't find anything bad about you,

Well there's nothing to fear,

There's nothing to,

Right?

If someone says to me that I don't have a hand,

That I only have one hand,

Let's say,

I don't need to defend that because I know I have a hand,

I know I have two hands,

I don't need to defend anything.

I don't worry about whether people will think I have one hand.

Why?

Because I know it to be true.

So if you see that there's nothing wrong with you,

Then if someone says there's something wrong with you,

You need to defend it.

Where's wrong?

Show me wrong.

What does it look like?

What is the shape of it?

You see?

You are you in every moment,

Right?

Is there ever a moment you are not you?

Of course,

You're you in every moment.

So in some moments you may be uncomfortable,

But in some moments you're comfortable.

So you can't be an uncomfortable person because you're still there when you're comfortable.

In some moments you may get things wrong,

Like an answer on a test or trying to answer something your boss asks you.

But in other moments you get it right.

So are you failure?

Are you someone that gets things wrong?

No,

You're there in the midst of both.

You may think you're a sad person,

But in some moments you're happy.

You may think you're an estranged person,

But in some moments people think you're interesting.

So which are you?

You can't be this negative thing if you're there even when it's not there.

You are there even when it's not there.

So it can't be who you are.

Right now,

Just being here with me,

There's nothing actually wrong with you.

There's nothing bad about you.

You have no negative qualities right now in reality.

And if you don't have any right now,

Then none of that can be who you are.

Okay?

You're just here being.

You don't need to go into your imagination to create a story about who you are.

Just be here.

Just let your attention be on my voice as I'm speaking to you.

That's it.

So now that we've looked at how to disbelieve negative opinions that we hear from others or that might occur from others,

We need to now look at the positive side.

So many times when we worry about others' opinions,

It's because we want them to think a certain way about us.

Right?

We want them to love us,

Like us,

Think we're great,

And all that.

So here's the thing.

As long as a compliment makes you feel good,

An insult gives you pain.

Right?

As long as you believe it,

When someone says something positive,

You'll believe it when someone says something negative.

Or in other words,

What's really happening is as long as you believe others' words to be true,

Whether they're positive or negative,

They will impact you.

Right?

Does that make sense?

So if someone comes up to you and says you're beautiful and you feel good,

Well then the next moment they say you're ugly,

You'll feel bad.

Because what you're doing is believing words to be true.

So that means whether it's positive or negative,

You're going to believe them.

So basically we need to be okay,

Right?

Be okay with not getting pleasure from compliments.

We need to recognize that getting pleasure from compliments and,

You know,

People calling us,

Wanting to be with us,

Whatever,

Actually creates a tremendous amount of pain in our life.

Okay?

Right?

So if somebody says to you,

I like you or you're beautiful or you're so nice or they call you or ask to date you or whatever,

What happens is we automatically believe their opinion to be true and then say,

Yeah,

If they like me,

That means I'm likable.

If they call me,

That means I'm likable.

If they think I'm attractive,

That means I'm attractive and all that.

Right?

So that gives you a nice feeling of pleasure.

But then what comes after that?

Well,

Then you worry about maintaining it.

You worry,

Do they still love me?

Am I good enough?

Do others still love me?

Am I being good enough so I have to be inauthentic trying to show them that I'm a certain way?

Right?

And all of that sort of stuff.

Plus we still have all of our other suffering.

So as long as others' opinions give you pleasure,

They will also give you pain when someone breaks up with you or doesn't call you or whatever,

Plus you'll worry about whether they'll call or not and whether they'll insult you or not and you'll live life with social anxiety.

I absolutely guarantee that.

As long as you believe others' positive opinions about you,

You'll believe negative opinions.

So you may say,

But I want to keep feeling pleasure when I get compliments.

But do you?

If you ate ice cream and it gave you pleasure,

But every single time you ate ice cream,

It gave you,

You were on the toilet for two weeks in pain,

Would you still want to eat ice cream?

No,

It may give you some pleasure,

But overall,

It's completely not in balance with how much pain it gives you.

It gives you so much pain.

So would you really want to continue eating ice cream?

So you need to see that every time you feel pleasure from a compliment,

It is perpetuating and strengthening the amount of anxiety and inauthenticity and worry about what you're going to say and what you're going to do and all of that.

In other words,

Feeling pleasure from compliments just creates a huge amount of suffering in your life.

So you may not have the pleasure from compliments,

But what you'll get instead is freedom,

Peace,

The ability to be honest,

The ability to speak your mind,

The ability to do what you enjoy,

All that.

I mean,

Look at me.

If every time someone complimented my video,

I felt pleasure,

Then every time someone said,

I don't understand you or this doesn't make sense or it didn't help,

I would feel pain.

And then I would be worried about putting out videos because maybe they won't like this or maybe even if everybody liked it,

Right?

But I don't know that they'll like the next video,

So I have to worry about it and be nervous and,

Oh,

I don't know,

Right?

Or defend myself.

If they say,

This doesn't make sense.

I'd be like,

Well,

You're wrong and that's not.

.

.

It would just create so much suffering.

So if you can see that you don't actually want pleasure from compliments and positive opinions,

Then we can move on to the next point.

So what do you want others to think about you?

Take a moment and pause the video and write down some answers.

Some examples would be,

I want people to think I'm nice.

I want people to think I'm caring.

I want people to think I'm a good mom.

I want people to think I'm good at my job.

I want people to think I'm loving,

Sweet,

Beautiful,

Handsome,

Charming,

Eloquent,

Interesting,

Cool,

Popular,

Whatever,

Right?

Write down whatever it is you think,

Whatever it is you want others to think about you,

Okay?

And so when you want others to think about you,

This,

Want others to think these things about you,

You fear whether you'll get it or not.

Because you think if you get it,

It will make you happy.

And if you don't get it,

You'll stay as you are,

Not so happy,

Right?

But what you're essentially saying is if they have that opinion,

That opinion is true and yay I'm good,

Right?

If you want others to think you're charming,

You're saying,

I don't know that I am,

So convince me,

Convince me.

If you tell me I'm charming,

Then I'll really try to believe that's true and yay I'm charming.

If they think you're attractive,

Yay I'm attractive.

Which are just automatically believing their positive opinions about you to be true.

But are they?

You need to investigate them the same way you would a negative opinion.

Just because someone thinks you're great,

Does that mean you are?

If they think a song is great,

Does that mean it's great?

If they think a song is interesting,

If they think a movie is interesting,

If they think something is funny,

If they think food is good,

If they think anything,

Does that mean it is?

Does that mean their opinion is true?

No,

Of course not.

So if they think there's anything great about you,

Does that mean their opinion is real and true?

No,

There's nothing great about you.

It's true.

There's nothing great about you in real life,

Just like there's nothing bad about you.

In order to discover that,

You can look at it in those ways of seeing if they liked a song,

If they liked a movie,

Whatever.

Or you can look at it in the ways of,

Could somebody else have the opposite opinion?

So if they think you're a good mom,

Could someone think you're a bad mom?

If they think you're good at your job,

Could someone think you're bad at your job?

If they think you're interesting,

Could someone think you're completely boring?

Yes.

And if someone else could have the opposite opinion,

How do you know the positive is true?

Or you could ask yourself,

Can I think of any reasons or examples as to why their positive opinion about me isn't true?

So maybe they think I'm charming,

But don't I know that sometimes people don't like talking to me?

Maybe they think that I'm attractive,

But isn't there moments when I'm not?

Maybe they think I'm nice,

But aren't I selfish in some moments?

So is it me?

Is it who I am?

And I know this sounds crazy.

I know it sounds ridiculous to try to disbelieve the positive,

The positive opinions that gave you so much pleasure,

Right?

And that is your hope for being happy.

But it's not your hope for being happy,

And it didn't get you so much pleasure.

It just perpetuates all the pain in your life.

Let's be very,

Very clear about that.

You cannot think I am good without worrying about being bad.

No matter how good you think you are,

You don't know it to be true.

I know this is a hand,

Right?

I believe that I'm great.

And since it's not a fact,

It's not stable,

It's fragile,

You don't know it to be true.

So it can go down at any moment.

If anyone thinks negative about you,

Insults you,

Rejects you,

Leaves you,

You do bad on a performance review,

You do anything,

Can take away that nice idea about yourself.

So therefore,

Trying to think of yourself as good is what perpetuates all of your suffering.

Instead,

Let yourself just be here as you are.

Why do you have to go into your imagination and create concepts of good and bad and superimpose them onto reality and say,

This movement is good.

It's just a movement.

Let it be a movement without saying it is good or bad.

Let yourself be here without constantly going to your imagination and saying you are good or bad,

Right?

There's really nothing good about you here in reality,

Right?

Show me the goodness.

Show me your smartness.

Show me your success.

Show me your charm.

Show me your unselfishness.

Show me your good mom.

Show me whatever in reality.

None of that is part of you.

It's a story in your head.

So let's say you go through your whole life thinking I'm beautiful.

Are you not going to worry about others opinions?

If people don't look at you,

Stop looking at you,

Insults you,

Reject you,

Anything,

There goes I'm beautiful.

If you think you're smarter than someone disagrees or you get a bad grade or anything like that,

There goes I'm smart.

So you live life with this really fragile sense I'm good,

But constantly worrying about others opinions,

Having anxiety about the future and feeling like there's something missing all the time because something is the actual goodness that's not actually here,

Right?

And I know it's crazy,

But look,

How has life gone for you pursuing the idea I am good,

I am great,

I am lovable?

It just creates so much suffering.

Confidence is not peace.

Confidence can't make you happy.

It just creates suffering.

I know I lived my life thinking I am God's gift to earth.

I really did until five years ago.

I thought I was so smart,

But I worried about others opinions.

I tried to pre-plan what I was going to say to make sure it was smart.

I evaluated their facial expressions to see if they agreed with me.

If they didn't,

I defended myself.

I thought I was funny,

So I had to make sure they laughed.

If they didn't laugh,

I'm not so funny.

I thought I was cool,

So I had to act a certain way and move a certain way,

Even when it didn't feel natural to me.

I had to go out on the weekends and go to clubs or go to other countries just so that I can tell people on Monday that I did something cool,

Even though I didn't feel like doing those things.

It is a prison having a positive idea of yourself,

Because it's not like it's stable and real and factual.

It's an idea in your imagination.

So discover what is true instead of trying to convince yourself you're good.

And then you'll be free.

No social anxiety,

No worry,

No judgment,

No none of that nonsense.

You're free to do what you want.

You're free to be happy at peace.

You can't think of yourself as good,

Beautiful,

Smart,

Nice,

Good mom,

Successful,

Any of that unless others agree,

Unless they're constantly reaffirmed to you.

Or even take the example of love.

If they love me,

It means I'm lovable.

If somebody loves me,

It means I'm great.

Okay,

So if someone proposes to you and says,

I love you,

And I only ever want to be with you,

In that moment it feels so good,

They really love me.

But then do you never need to hear that I love you from them again?

No,

Because you don't know that they love you.

It's just a story.

You're desperately trying to convince yourself is real.

But since it's a story,

You have to ask for them,

Show me you love me,

Prove you love me,

Remember my birthday,

Call me,

This and that,

Because you don't know it to be true.

Even that,

Even when someone proposes to us,

We don't know that their positive opinion about us is true.

So we constantly look to reaffirm it and convince ourselves of it.

If they don't call us,

If they don't buy us gifts,

If they don't sacrifice for us,

If they don't remind us all the time and reaffirm they love us,

It goes.

We just feel lacking.

No,

They don't love me.

I'm not worthy of love.

They stop loving me.

Stop.

Let yourself just be here without trying to get positive opinion to think you're good.

Peace doesn't come from a story that says I am worthy and lovable.

It comes from recognizing I am here and any story about me is just imaginary and not true.

Okay?

So moving on,

You probably would have noticed that many times in your life,

You don't feel comfortable in certain situations being yourself.

Like words just don't just come out easily.

It's hard to talk to others and like that.

So why are you afraid to speak your mind?

Why are you afraid to just act spontaneously?

What are you afraid will happen?

Well basically,

You're afraid that if you just speak honestly,

Speak what you feel in the moment,

Speak whatever just comes out spontaneously,

You're afraid that they won't like you.

Right?

That's what you're afraid of.

That's why it's so hard to speak because you're not sure your words will be liked by them.

So you would feel more comfortable speaking if you knew that what you were about to say was going to be liked by everyone.

And since you don't know that to be true,

You're afraid of saying anything.

You're afraid if you just speak spontaneously without evaluating what you're going to say first,

Evaluating whether it's a cool or boring thing to say,

That you risk them not liking you.

And you do risk them not liking you.

You can never guarantee that anything you're going to say will be liked by everyone.

Right?

So in order to be free of this evaluating what I'm about to say,

Just recognize if they like what I say,

What does that mean about me?

Does that mean I'm likable?

Does that mean I'm good?

Does that mean I'm cool,

Smart,

Funny?

No,

It just means they like it.

If they like a song,

Does that mean it's good?

No,

It doesn't mean I'm good if they like me.

Right?

You really need to see that in order to stop feeling afraid of just speaking spontaneously.

And if you plan what to say,

Right,

If you act inauthentic and plan what to say and try to make sure that what you say is about to be cool,

Charming,

Likable,

Whatever,

And they like you,

Well guess what?

You don't feel that good because you know they like the pretend you,

Not the real you.

They like the you that you've created to try to get their love,

Not the real you,

Not the spontaneous you,

Just doing what you feel.

So it doesn't feel that good.

Plus it wasn't enjoyable because you had to pretend you were inauthentic so you weren't saying what you feel and whatever.

And that just perpetuates your life of worry and anxiety.

Even if you say something and everyone thinks it's the funniest,

Coolest thing,

Well guess what?

You're going to worry about maintaining their opinion about you.

You're going to worry the next time you have anything to say.

So instead of that,

Let yourself just be free to say what you want.

Recognize if they don't like me,

It doesn't mean anything about me.

If they don't think I'm funny,

It doesn't mean I'm not.

If they think I'm funny,

It doesn't mean I am.

And then you automatically are just enjoying yourself.

When you do what you want to do and speak what you want to speak,

You're already enjoying yourself.

You're already happy,

Which is what you hope to get from their positive opinion anyhow.

And on top of all that,

You have no idea what they will like or not like.

Let yourself just be yourself as you are,

Spontaneous,

And see what happens.

Use every interaction as a tool to help you get more and more peace and happiness with yourself.

So if they like you,

Okay.

If they like what you said,

Okay,

Question,

Does that mean I'm good?

And if they don't like what you say,

Question it,

Does that mean I'm bad?

Use every interaction as a tool to help you become more and more anxiety-free in your life.

Every interaction is meant to help you,

Is going to provide something that you can use to question and go deeper to discover the truth about how life really works and about who you really are,

Okay.

Now to just summarize what we went over and to help let it sink in a little more,

If you have social anxiety,

Ask yourself,

What am I afraid someone will think about me?

And then question,

Is their opinion true and real?

If not,

Then what is there to be afraid of?

What is there to possibly be afraid of if their opinion isn't real and true?

If it doesn't mean anything about you,

Or you can ask,

What do I want them to think about me?

And then you'll be scared of,

If they don't think that about me,

I'll stay unhappy.

Well,

Is the opinion that I want them to have of me true?

No,

It's not true.

So then what would their opinion do for me even if they do give it?

It will give you nothing.

It will do nothing for you if they have a positive opinion about you,

Right.

If you believe it,

It will give you pleasure and a tremendous amount of suffering.

And if you don't believe it,

You're free.

So instead,

Don't believe it before it even comes.

So look in this moment,

What is there to be afraid of?

What do you have to be afraid of?

And also you can ask yourself,

If you ask yourself,

What am I scared of?

What opinion am I scared of and nothing comes up?

Or if you ask yourself,

What opinion do I want and nothing comes up?

You might need to go a little deeper.

You might need to ask yourself the question,

When was the first time that I felt social anxiety?

What was the situation?

And really look at it in detail and then ask yourself,

So maybe somebody insulted you or rejected you in that situation.

So ask yourself,

What do I think that meant about me or what did I think that meant about me?

Or maybe someone just gave you a look and you felt hurt or sad or something's wrong with you.

So you can question,

Investigate that situation in order to discover that whatever happened in that moment didn't actually mean anything about you and then that can free you from social anxiety moving forward.

So this is meant to be something that's ongoing that you do,

Well not really ongoing.

Once you discover it,

You don't need to do anything,

It just goes.

Once you see this clearly enough,

There's no social anxiety.

But for right now,

Since it's very new for you,

I imagine it gave you some relief while watching but I also suspect that you'll have to do this on your own in the future.

So you can do it on your own in any moment.

You can do it while you're just sitting there.

You can do it after you feel social anxiety.

You can do it while you're feeling social anxiety.

You can do it in an interaction.

But at first,

It's going to be much more easy for you to do when you're at home or when you're not actually in a one-on-one situation or in front of a hundred people or whatever.

But as you become clear about this,

If it ever shows up,

You know exactly what questions to ask to just free you from it immediately.

This isn't meant to like have an impact over time.

Every time you discover that what you thought was true isn't true,

The anxiety goes immediately,

Instantly,

If you can discover it,

Which most people do.

So I know it was a long video.

Thank you for bearing with me.

I hope you found it helpful.

Please let me know in the comments the impact that it had on you or please feel free to ask me questions because I'd be happy to answer them.

If you have a question,

Also look through the comments to see if I already answered it.

All right.

So thanks for watching and I'll see you around.

Bye.

Hello again.

If you found my video helpful or you enjoyed it,

I welcome you to click on one of the videos below as you might find them helpful as well.

Or if you want to make sure you never miss another video of mine again,

You can click the subscribe button over there.

And if you want my free ebook,

You're welcome to click the free ebook button over there.

So thanks again for watching and I'll see you around.

Bye.

Reviews

Wow. This was, without a doubt in my mind, the most personally impactful meditation I’ve ever done on this app. I grew up in a family where my narcissistic, abusive grandfather was the only one who was allowed to have an opinion; the only one who was allowed to have feelings, while his children and grandchildren were categorically dehumanized and invalidated. We all grew up in hyper-vigilant people-pleasing mode, and so many of us are trying to heal from the damage. My social anxiety has been pretty searing from Day One, and this talk just opened my mind like a wormhole in space, transporting me to an entirely new body of thoughts 🙏❤️✨thank you so much for this, you have made an instant positive impact on me and my mental health ✨💖✨Thank you‼️

Thank you! I love the idea of not attaching to the positive opinions people have of us. You’re right, it creates a prison of believing others are right about us, and creates a desire to keep proving ourselves which results in social anxiety. Ahhh I already feel so much better. Thank you again.

Truly life changing. Can not wait to listen again & ‘be aware of myself’ with this new taught insight & guidance. Wow.
Thank you, Noah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don’t believe anyone has ever explained this concept so clearly and eloquently! This talk was suggested on ‘Life of mindfulness’ group here on insight timer. I’m so grateful for stumbling upon it. I have this deep feeling that discovering this talk will have a massive, permanent and powerful impact on the rest of the days of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙏🏿 💜
Sending you peace, love and light ☀️

Please don’t take this as a compliment 🤪 but I think this is excellent advice. Makes perfect sense and I found it very refreshing - it’s the opposite of using positive affirmations which don’t really work for me. I laughed when you said there’s nothing great about me 😂 but i get it 😊
Only thing that bothered me was the negative reference to a homeless person but Im glad I listened all the way through 🙏

Very insightful and practical 👏🏼 gave me some relief from anxiety right now, I look forward to applying it to other social situations.

That was so crystal clear and helpful! Thank you 🙏

Listened to it for the second time; this requires a big shift in thinking. That’s why we are all here!