How To Deal With Anger Wisely

When we don't know how to deal with anger wisely, we can end up treating others disrespectfully from our anger or we can suppress our anger and end up never standing up for ourselves. This talk will help you to deal with your anger wisely.

Transcript

Hello, My name is Noah Elkrief and today I would like to talk with you about how to deal with anger. I've made a couple of videos in the past about how to deal with anger, But this one is going to approach it from a different level. So everybody feels angry sometimes and that's normal and okay. The question is what do we do with our anger? How do we handle our anger? How do we move past our anger and come back to love? And there's a lot of tricks and traps in this and I'm going to try to talk about whatever comes up. So the first thing about anger is that when we feel angry or if anger gets triggered in us it is super important to express the anger, To let it be felt. But the important thing is how we express it. So much of the time when our anger gets triggered or activated we think that we should express it towards our partner or towards whoever did the terrible thing to us. But that isn't really serving anything. A lot of times when we're triggered, When we're activated with anger, Unconsciously we have this, This in the anger is you're terrible and you're horrible. It's not just pure expression of anger. Like I'm angry, I'm so freaking angry. Like expressing anger can come either pure anger like that, Like I'm just so angry right now or it can come, You're terrible, You're bad, How could you do this to me? And it is never, Never serving or loving to express anger towards someone in this way. But that being said, It's important to express the anger. So when we feel angry, The first thing from my perspective is to express it by ourselves or with a helper or healer of some kind so that the anger can come out of our system. If we push it down and just come back to love and niceness and whatever while the anger was never expressed, Then we've pushed down a part of our power, A part of ourselves that isn't serving us. So to let out the anger means you go by yourself in your room or wherever in the jungle and you scream, Maybe you scream all the things like you're terrible, They're horrible, How could they do this? Or I'm so angry, Ah, Or just screaming or punching a pillow or shaking or even crying or whatever wants to come out or maybe just words of charged words like they're terrible, They're bad, Life is against me, Like whatever it is to just let it out. Now notice I said something in there that's really important. And that is one of the tendencies for people, Particularly like nice, Sweet people or spiritual people is to come right back to forgiveness. Well, I know that they didn't mean it or I know that they did this because they were abused by their parents and so I get it, I forgive them, I love them or I can handle it or whatever, This type of thing. And we immediately come back to love, Come back to connection, Come back to softness and sweetness with whoever just maybe treated us either unkindly or from an energy that activated our anger or even went over our boundaries. And that is not healthy, It's not serving, Even though it's so unbelievably common and can seem like we're nice and mature and wise and whatever. When we do that, We're not giving love to ourselves, We're not honoring our boundary, We're not staying in our power. So like when someone crosses our boundaries, When someone treats us disrespectfully, There has to be this like, No, No, I don't accept it. But it's really, Really challenging to say this really like self responsibility no, Instead of the tendency for people when they say no, It's your bad no, How could you do that to me? And so these are the two extremes. The two extremes when we have anger is to go into sweet nice person, Or to go into blaming your terrible fight mode. And like that, And fight mode, Your terrible is being disrespectful and unkind towards someone else. It's punishing them, Treating them bad, Trying to change how they treat us. It's not our job to try to change how how others treat us. It's not our job to punish others. It's not our job or healthy or loving or intuitive or natural for us to treat people disrespectfully or unkindly doesn't feel good. And on the other hand, When we're just sweet and nice, We just constantly are tolerating and telling the person in our life that it's acceptable and okay for you to treat me however you want. You can treat me disrespectfully, Unkindly with harshness, Disconnected, Whatever. And so that is just constantly, Yeah, Just not respectful towards ourselves. And we end up feeling smaller, Fragile, Insecure, And keep manifesting in our life, People and treatment that isn't serving us, Isn't helping us. So if you're in that sweet niceness, If that's the normal pattern that you take on that you can't say no, You can't say someone you don't like it or you don't accept it or whatever, Then it's so important to let out anger. It's so important to express rage in a healthy way, In a safe context. Yeah, So, So important. There's basically there's this huge conditioning on to us that it's not acceptable to be angry. And this usually starts in our childhood when if we got angry around our parents, Like if our parents did something that was disrespectful, Unkind, Harsh, If we get angry in response, That is not tolerated. It triggers our parents too much usually, Almost always, Like I don't know if I've ever seen an example of someone who was allowed to express anger as a child. It's just not tolerated. Our parents view expression of anger as disrespectful, Or yeah, Like not honoring them as the elder, Like you should never talk back to your parents, You should never say no to your parents, You should never express anger. And that program sticks with us into adulthood, Where it's just not acceptable to be angry. I'm bad if I'm angry, I'm doing something wrong if I'm angry. Or maybe for women even, It's like, I'm supposed to be sweet and nice, Not like loud and big. But equally for men and women, You're meant to be powerful and strong and solid. And sort of humans have been given these tools of fight or flight, Of fear and anger to help protect us. And if we're not allowed to have fight, If we're not allowed to have anger, That's a huge defense mechanism, Like a defensiveness, A protection mechanism that we don't have access to. So we end up kind of just walking through life fragile, Soft, Doing what others want, Pleasing people. And that's just not an enjoyable way to live life. So we need to let ourselves know, Let our system know, It's okay to feel angry. So maybe we'll do something for a moment just to explore that. So I want you to imagine yourself as a child, You can close your eyes. And I want you to imagine yourself as a child getting angry. If it's hard to imagine, That's okay. Maybe just imagine yourself as a child with an angry face. And I want you to just tell that child, With me, You're allowed to be angry. I support your anger. I'm not scared of your anger. I'm not threatened by your anger. I don't view your anger as disrespect. You're allowed to be angry. I encourage you to be angry. You're allowed to scream. You're allowed to go wild. You're allowed to break stuff and destroy things. I encourage your anger. Your anger is useful and helpful and wonderful. It needs to be expressed. As long as you're not hurting anyone else or hurting yourself, It's beautiful. Support this inner child to feel angry. And when you visualize the child expressing anger, You can use your imagination. Like, Sometimes, So before I mentioned some ways to express anger is to scream, To shake, To punch things. But it's also a way to let out anger and express anger, Release anger, To just visualize yourself doing those things. So you can imagine your inner child or imagine yourself as an adult even expressing anger, Yelling. Like imagine fire coming out of their mouth. Like, Ahhhhhh, And fires pouring out. You can imagine them breaking things, Burning down the house you grew up in, Like, Whatever. And the expression, Even in the visualization of it, Not in reality, In the 3D, Even that helps to let out some of this anger, Maybe even a lot of it. Because on the energetic level, It feels real, So it's letting out some of it. So you can do this on your own. You can pause the video. You can do it after the video. But I'm going to move on to the next thing. So how to deal with anger. Now we've covered the two extreme, Sort of unhealthy ways, Like going into fight mode, You did bad, Why did you do this to me, Like that. Or the unhealthy way of just sucking it up and coming back to love. No, I love them and blah blah blah. I'm going to say one more thing about that, Actually. On one level, It's true to just go into forgiveness on the mental plane. And I actually have a video about forgiveness that talks about this. And it's sort of like the reason why they did it is because something happened in their life that they weren't able to meet, To love, To undo, To heal, So that they can come from love, Perhaps. So we can have forgiveness. We can forgive them. And on another level, We can acknowledge there's still anger. Those two things can coexist. I can feel compassion for you and understanding for you if you treat me harshly and unkindly. But there might be another part of me on the emotional level down here, I want to kill you, I want to hurt you, I'm so angry. And so when we understand why they did it and come back to love up here, We can't just bypass all the anger from the moment and all the feeling of like my boundary was crossed. This part also needs to be let out or dealt with. Understand? So that every part of our body comes back to love and openness, Not just the mental plane. Yeah. So once we express the anger and let it out, Then we can come back to the perpetrator if we want to, If it feels right, And say, You know, When you did that, I felt really hurt, Triggered a lot of hurt in me, It felt I was disrespected, It felt I was being treated unkindly, And I don't deserve that. And I don't like it. Right. And you can even say it with some anger, Like you can even speak it so it can be soft and kind like that. And it can be, I really can't tolerate being treated like that. I don't accept it. I don't deserve it. I don't want it. And then you let go. Expressing anger or it could be I'm so angry right now. I feel so angry. What you just said just hits me so deep and I feel so angry. So my anger is really here within me. It's not projected out onto the other. Understand? And then we have to let go. So much of the time, The tendency when we want to express anger or express a boundary is to try to change their behavior. Like you shouldn't do that. Like you better work on yourself so you never do that again. But then we're going into manipulation. We're using our anger to try to change someone else's behavior. We're trying to tell them what they did is bad, Tell them it's unacceptable as a motivating force to get them to change their behavior. But that never works. And it's just unkind. It's manipulation. It's not loving. It's not right. It needs to come. The source and motivation of their changes needs to come from within themselves. They need to feel it. Like if I express that I feel hurt, That I feel I was disrespected, My partner or my friend or my boss or whatever needs to feel it for themselves to look honestly at themselves and feel, I'm so sorry. I don't want to treat another human being like that. And I want to take responsibility for how I treated them, For where I was coming from. It's not our job to make them feel that and be reflective or be honest with themselves or to put in the time and energy to change how they treat people or their underlying emotional wounds. That has to come from within themselves. And then from there, The loving thing to do for ourselves is to be really, Really honest. Is the person in front of us, Is the person who treated like if it's someone in our life that's frequently in our life, Like our partner or a friend or a family member, If they don't look at themselves, If they don't take responsibility, If they aren't making the effort to change the underlying emotional, Mental forces that causes disrespectful behavior, Then we have to be really honest with ourselves and be confronted that they don't have it within them to make these changes. And therefore, It's not respectful towards myself to keep them in my life. It's not kind towards myself to keep them in my life. And that can be a tough decision, But it's the one that's most loving and respectful towards ourselves. And some of the time we might notice that they are doing everything that they can. They are committed and they may screw up sometimes. And we have to feel for ourselves what is the level of patience that we have. What is the level of patience we have while the other person is doing everything they can to heal and to come from love? And for each of us that's different and we have to trust ourselves. But there's one more thing actually I want to say about this. Give me a moment. One of the tendencies with anger and how to deal with anger, This is really important actually, I'm glad it came up, Is when someone treats us in a way that's seemingly disrespectful or unkind or harsh or cold, We can very often say like, They're terrible for treating me like that. They're horrible for treating me like that. And then we cut out love. Like so we feel harshness towards someone for treating us disrespectfully. And it might seem justified, It seems very normal, But it's not true in the sense that it's not the natural response. And so anytime someone does something and we feel harshness towards them for what they did, It is a reflection that that is how we treat ourselves for doing that particular thing either now or in the past. So I feel like I need a more practical example to help you understand what I mean. So if I am driving down the road and I see someone in front of me throw garbage, Plastic outside of their window onto the ground, And then I feel they're terrible, They're bad, How could they do such a thing? What I've done now is I'm experiencing harshness, Not love, Closeness towards another human being for their behavior. Okay, Now the way to shift that into love, The way to let go of that anger and come back to love is actually to turn it back onto myself and to recognize or to ask, If I did that or when I did that in the past, Maybe when I was a child, Or maybe at some point in my life I did that, I polluted, I dropped plastic on the ground or dropped something on the ground, How do I feel towards myself? Or maybe I was just programmed that it's a horrible thing to do. So I ask myself, How would I feel towards myself? How would I treat myself if I were to do that, If I were to pollute, If I were to throw something on the ground? And then maybe the first thing that comes up in me is I'm a terrible person if I do that. And that is just really unkind, Unloving, And harsh treatment towards myself. And unloving, Unkind treatment never is natural, Never comes from ourselves. It means that was what was programmed into me. So then I might ask myself, Where did that come from, That idea? And I see my mom was so into recycling and so into helping the environment that she put on to me that I'm terrible if I don't do it. And I give that back to her, Perhaps. Give back that belief, Give back that program. And then I say, Okay, How do I feel towards myself now, If I were to do that, Or when I did that in the past? I feel sad. I feel sad that I did that, Like what was causing me to do such a thing? I feel love towards myself and compassion, But I also feel sad and curious. Why would I do that? And then I see, Oh, I was so scared of my friends judging me for like putting the plastic in, Let's say in the car in the back seat and holding on to the plastic. I was so afraid they would ridicule me and insult me that I threw it out the window to avoid the pain of rejection and insults. And then I have so much compassion, And then I will maybe do some work on that, My fear of rejection and the pain of previous times of rejection so that I don't pollute again. So now if we take that into like the more angry thing, Actually this is kind of the angry thing. So once I heal that part in me, In my hatred towards myself and my anger and harshness towards myself for polluting, Then when I look back at the other person, I can only feel compassion. So when I imagine them throwing out the window, Now it's not just they're a terrible person, I'm like, I wonder what caused them to do that, Like what happened in their life that led them to believe that is the okay thing or led them to just do that automatically. Like maybe their parents did that all the time and their friends do, And their society says it's completely acceptable, So they don't have any other frame of reference. And then I have compassion. So the same applies now, Let's say in relationships, If I'm treated disrespectfully, Like my partner says something unkind to me or with a harsh tone of voice, And then my first response inside of me is they're terrible for treating me like that, Then I turn it back onto myself and I say, How do I feel towards myself if I were to treat her like that? I'm horrible, I'm terrible, I'm no good. And I see, Why do I feel that way towards myself? And then I feel this pain, I feel this hurt inside, This shame, And maybe I express this shame, I cry and I let it out. And then I tell myself or I ask myself, I explore and I tell my inner child, If you treat someone unkindly, It must be because there's pain underneath it. And I want to know about your pain. I want to feel your pain. I want to be there for your pain instead of just telling you that you're bad. And then I do whatever I do inside, Which I'll talk about in other videos and you're sort of getting the hang of if you watch my other videos, Until I come back to love for myself and can love myself even if I treat someone disrespectfully and unkindly. That doesn't mean I say it's acceptable, It's completely unacceptable, But I love myself in the midst of that. Like, Okay, What I just did was so unkind and so disrespectful and that hurts and I'm sad about it. And I still love myself. I know it came from something that happened to me that I haven't been able to heal. And I wish I could have healed it by now, But I just haven't been able to. And now I want to do everything I can. So part of forgiveness, Like if we do something unkind, Part of forgiveness also means I'm going to do everything I can to take responsibility so I don't do it again. Can't just forgive ourselves and say, Okay, I love myself in it and maybe I just keep doing it. Like, It's not how it works. We have to take responsibility doing everything we can to not do it anymore. And then having gentleness and compassion for ourselves if it happens again. I'm doing the best that I can. And once we feel that way towards ourselves, Then when others treat us disrespectfully or unkindly, We can have love for them in the midst of it. We know they're doing their best. Maybe they're not. If we see they're not doing their best and not trying, Then we're out of here because we can't tolerate being treated that way. But if we see they're doing their best and it's just hard and they're trying and everything, Then we hold on to love and keep them in our life. But even if we see they're not doing their best or they can't make these changes and heal these wounds, We still can have compassion and love and at the same time say, It's not serving me this relationship. So it feels like I've let out what I wanted to say. So in retrospect or in brief, Anger is something that is really healthy to express as long as we're expressing it either A, With responsibility for ourselves. Actually, I'll say something about that. It's really, It can be really beautiful to express anger with someone else, Even the perpetrator, As long as we ask first for their consent. Like I'm feeling angry right now. Can you hold space? Are you okay with me expressing that anger? Like I'm angry on this, I'm that. As long as we take responsibility for it, Don't project it onto the other. Then it's also the second thing, So that's the first point. The second thing is it's beautiful to express anger and rage and hatred and all the blame and the insults by yourself so that you let it out. And then it's so important to stand up for yourself and not accept treatment that is unkind or disrespectful. Don't turn things back onto yourself, Turn things back onto yourself. When you're angry at someone and projecting that they're a horrible person, Recognize that you're doing the same thing to yourself and that's not, That's not loving or serving or true. So I would really love to hear from you in the comments how this felt for you, How this goes for you. And if it was helpful, You're welcome to subscribe or share it with others. There are a lot of people struggling with anger and I imagine this can be useful. Okay, Have a beautiful day. Bye.

Reviews

Thank you for this! Brilliant talk.

Thank you very much 🙏

Having a hard time, hearing your words help.
Thanks

Very wise words indeed!So much Anger in the world today very helpful to so many Namaste 🙏🌼🐳🐚