Hi everyone.
Do you also sometimes feel that there's so much happening in the world that,
Yeah,
It's so hard to cope with all of it?
And do you sometimes have this feeling of just like wanting to shut down the news and not even listening to them anymore or watch anything because it's also so frustrating,
Makes you feel helpless about all those things that we can't change but are keep happening.
I've recently felt this way last week when I heard all those news coming from Afghanistan,
All those people who are afraid of dying,
Afraid of losing their families.
And what also especially felt very painful for me was what happens to the women there right now,
The way how they are stripped of their rights,
The way how,
Yeah,
They have to cover themselves again after living such a different life for centuries.
And that's such a painful way of knowing that this is happening.
At the same time,
I feel so helpless because I can't do anything.
I'm at home,
I have no political power,
I have no way of really helping them.
Yes,
I can make a donation or maybe share some links,
But I don't know how you feel,
But for me sometimes this feels really shallow,
Feels like I'm not really doing something.
Maybe you have noticed yourself that there's sometimes these,
Yeah,
Just like notions of shutting it completely away,
Right?
Because what else should we do?
In this world,
There's so much suffering,
There's so much happening.
We don't just want to dwell in negativity,
Right?
And in this consciousness world where we grow beyond it,
We learn that through mindfulness,
Through different techniques,
We actually can be free from suffering,
Right?
And what I want to explore with you today is how can we authentically work with feeling the pain of others,
The suffering of others.
COVID is another example that recently and is still ongoing has brought so many news about people dying,
People being sick.
And after a while we just can't hear it anymore.
And so either there's two ways of reacting to it.
The one is that we suffer a lot and it creates a lot of distress and it's very overwhelming,
And the other way is just to shut it down,
You know,
And just like to not let it come to us by not watching the news anymore or by just every time we hear about it,
Just like to not even go in there.
And what I want to explore today with you is another way of dealing with it.
And before we go into that,
And I will also introduce you to a practice,
I just want to go into two aspects when it comes to,
Yeah,
Noticing the suffering of others.
The first part is that whenever we hear about the suffering of others,
The way it impacts has a lot to do with our own story.
So what is a story,
A backstory in your past that made you feel similarly or the same?
Let's say you feel helpless about this situation.
Say you feel helpless about those women in Afghanistan.
And of course this is a feeling towards the situation.
But if the helplessness is so overwhelming that you feel like,
Wow,
It doesn't even make you sleep at night,
Chances are very high that it's related to something that made you feel helpless in your own life.
And so a way of dealing with it is to actually track that feeling and emotion and understand how this has created some kind of scar or wounding in yourself.
And once you take the time to explore that,
What actually happens is you still feel the pain of helplessness about that situation,
But it's not going to be that big.
It's not going to be as identified so that you can't sleep or that it really shakes you up.
That's the first step.
And the second part of all of this noticing the stress of others is to notice what is our pre-autopilot reaction towards the suffering of others.
And most of us human beings,
What our preconception reaction is,
Is we shut down.
We shut the distress,
The suffering away.
No one of us wants to suffer in life.
We don't want it.
And if it becomes this discomfort,
This feeling of discomfort in our body,
What we do is we shut it down.
But there seems to be another way.
So instead of when we go into distress about someone else's suffering,
What happens is we usually have a physical reaction that is unpleasant.
We have unpleasant emotions that are usually a little bit negative and draining.
We are,
Our body starts to tensing up.
This leads to actually a bad health even for some people who experience suffering of others for a long time.
It can lead to burnout,
To sickness.
So this is one way of actually dealing it.
And that's the reason why we usually shut it down or away because it just makes us feel sick or just lets us lose our energy or brings us into negativity.
But it seems like there's another reaction towards the distress or suffering of others,
Which is not empathetic distress but is more compassion,
Is an empathy that is an empowered empathy.
And that kind of compassion,
Instead of going into the pain of it,
It actually stays open allows all the experience of that suffering to be there and asks this question,
What is of service?
And through combining that,
Noticing what's happening for others,
Putting ourselves into other's shoes,
But also going into what is of service,
Instead of it becoming a painful thing,
It actually expands us.
It gives us more energy.
It gives us even this thrive and willingness to connect with the people in distress instead of shutting them away or shutting the news about that they are suffering away.
So that is very interesting.
And what's maybe even more interesting is that there is science around that reaction,
Those two different kinds of reaction.
And on this moment,
I just want to say thank you so much to Tanya Zinger,
Dr.
Tanya Zinger,
Who is a leading neuroscientist.
And she has researched compassion for many,
Many years.
And she made some amazing findings around the two different reactions of empathetic distress and compassion.
And what she found is that it's even a different reaction in our brain.
So it's even a physiological reaction that is different.
So if we experience empathetic distress about the suffering or the pain or the distress of someone else,
It goes into the pain center,
Pain matrix of our brain.
And that is why we perceive it as a painful thing and why it's draining.
But what she showed or what she discovered was when she put a monk into the brain scanner,
Looking into his brain while he was looking at people with suffering,
She saw a different reaction in his brain.
And that went to the prosocial parts of the brain.
And when she asked him what he did,
When she asked the monk what he did while he was looking at those pictures,
He told her he was doing compassion practice,
Compassion meta meditation.
And being curious about that,
She started testing if compassion practice actually helps people to deal with distress differently,
To have that other reaction in the brain that is prosocial and uplifting rather than going into the pain matrix.
And what she found was that it actually changed the way people could deal with the suffering of others.
Specifically in her case,
She wanted to help nurses to deal better with the sick people they encounter every day.
And after doing those practices a few weeks with those nurses,
She could see that they were less burned out and better able to deal with the suffering of people.
So that is really amazing that the science actually also finally looks into those topics thanks to people like Tanya Zinger who stay persistent and stubborn towards that this is really important science to look at.
And what it suggests is basically that we can train our capacity and our autopilot from going into empathetic distress towards compassion.
And what happens when we go to that reaction is instead of being self-related and concerned with our own pain,
With our own suffering that comes through experiencing the suffering of someone else,
We finally find a way to open ourselves up and to ask ourselves what would be of service for that person.
But the crucial part of it is that we can only do that when we are not in pain ourselves.
And I find that just amazing as the findings,
But obviously I've tested it out myself doing compassion practice for years and years also because I just have this intention to be a more compassionate leader,
To be a more compassionate human being in this world and to truly make looking what is of service for everyone involved my way of being,
My way of showing up in this world.
And through this compassion meditation I can deal with suffering of others so much better,
So much better.
I give you one example where I could see that personally,
Which is every time I speak to my mother she also talks about things that she worries about.
And for many years she was worrying a lot about things.
And so every time I spoke to her and she started to worry again I was like,
Oh,
Here it comes again.
And my reaction to that was to give her a lot of tips,
Do this,
Do that,
Oh mama,
Why don't you do this.
And when I heard about this concept of empathetic distress and compassion I finally realized one thing,
Which was I wasn't really helping her with my suggestions.
What I was doing in that moment is I was self-absorbed.
I was absorbed by myself in that moment,
By my own pain.
And the only thing I did with my reaction was to do everything to stop her pain because when I felt her pain I was in pain and I didn't want to be in pain.
So what I discovered was my reaction was not helping her,
It was selfish.
I was just concerned with my own pain.
When I use those compassion practices more and more what I found is I could really ask myself what's of service for my mother here right now.
And what I noticed is actually giving her tips wasn't of service at all.
What she really needed in those moments was just to be listened to and to feel fully heard in her feelings.
What she really wanted is to have someone she could share this with and just being acknowledged.
So when I said to her,
Wow mom,
This is such a hard time for you right now.
It seems to really bother you.
It seems to really,
Yeah,
Inflict the way you feel right now.
She could say yes.
And she finally felt heard.
And all of a sudden those conversations also didn't take that long anymore.
They were actually much shorter,
But we felt much more connected to each other.
And from those conversations that often felt draining to me,
Those conversations shifted into conversations where I felt more connected to her.
And I think she felt the same.
So this is the power of actually shifting from empathetic distress to connection.
We're gonna do an exercise about those two areas that I spoke about right now because we can talk about this forever in our lifetime,
But what really makes a difference and really helps us shift it is experiencing a different way and training and developing that capacity of ours to go into compassion as a reaction towards distress and suffering of others.
And that's something we need to practice.
So we're gonna do it in those two steps that I just explained.
So the first part of this practice will be to really look into what is the part of us that is connected with this suffering or pain of the others that has more to do with our own biography and what we encountered,
The scars that we carry.
And then we will go into a compassion practice where we will train our capacity to allow suffering and that meditation is based on Atisha's heart meditation.
It's a combination of Atisha's heart meditation and some stuff that I'm just bringing in on my own.
And I heard this heart meditation the first time from my dear friend Nisha.
Thank you so much for this,
At this point Nisha,
For sharing it with me.
So if you now want to experience and also answer your own question how you can deal with suffering and pain of others,
Stay tuned and join that meditation and mindfulness practice how you can shift compassion of others and pain of others into connection,
Compassion and peace in yourself.
Find a way to sit that allows you to sit straight,
Sit on a chair,
On a cushion on the floor,
Or maybe on your bed.
Start with taking three deep breaths.
Deeply in through your nose all the way into your belly.
Fill your belly with air.
And out through your mouth,
Relax your shoulders,
Your jaw.
Deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth.
One more time,
Deeply in and out through your mouth.
And now bring to mind that situation,
One situation in this world that really bothers you right now.
So it can be a situation in Afghanistan right now,
Maybe specifically the women,
Maybe it is a political issue,
Maybe it is something around COVID,
Maybe it is the burning forests,
Whatever you feel very strongly emotional about or maybe even you shutting it down because you can't even listen to it.
Either way that's the most charged situation,
The one that you can't encounter could be the one that is very charged.
And now bring this situation into your present in a way that you allow yourself to fully feel it.
Bring the whole emotion here right now.
And you're not identifying with that emotion,
Allowing it to overwhelm you,
But you're holding a space for that emotion to be present.
And that space is loving,
Kind and fully accepting,
So non-judgmental,
But full of acceptance to allow it to be as it is and allow that emotion to be there.
Every time you want to contract or reject that emotion just go back into acceptance,
Kindness,
Care,
That loving way of holding that emotion.
And now notice where do you notice it physically in your body?
Do you have some kind of tension somewhere?
Do you feel parts of your body is contracting?
And allow those sensations in your body as well with full caring look,
Loving,
Acceptance,
Non-judgmentally curious.
And now go back in time and just remember a moment in your life,
In your childhood where you first felt that same feeling,
Situation that you can now remember where you felt that way before.
The first time you remember feeling this way was,
And then really go into the details of it.
Where were you?
Who else was there?
What happened?
Did someone say something to you?
Did you do something?
And feel the way you felt in that moment.
How did this physically feel in your body?
What were the emotions in that moment for this little one,
This little version of you?
Really feel it and see it fully go into that moment.
Keep breathing deeply while you're doing it.
And now you're still there in that situation,
But instead of being the little version of yourself,
You're being the adult version that is there and observes the little version.
And to that younger version of yours,
You just stand or sit in front of her or him and just notice what is it that your younger version would need in that moment.
Maybe it would need a hug,
A caring hand on the back or on the head,
Maybe a smile.
And notice how you give that to your younger version right now.
And then ask yourself what would be soothing,
Caring,
Maybe healing words that you could tell your little one that she maybe needs to hear right now or he.
What do they need to hear right now?
And while you say those words to your little version,
Maybe you wanna hug that version or put your hand somewhere and allow that little version of yours to be cared for by you,
By you holding that loving,
Accepting space where it can just be the way it is and allow all the emotions.
And now going away,
Again coming back into this present and gently allow your past self to disappear again.
Feel your breath,
Feel yourself being in that moment right now,
Connected with whatever happened in this world that bothered you and still feeling those emotions.
Maybe you notice a shift between how it felt before and now,
Maybe not.
Just observe.
Now we're going into the compassion part to develop compassion towards yourself and others.
And so you breathe in all this pain and suffering that you're feeling about those people right now in your own body,
All the tension in your body.
Breathe it in through your heart.
You can't feel your heart.
You can maybe put your hand onto the heart,
It helps.
Breathe it all into your heart and then imagine how when it's in your heart,
It dissolves,
It disappears.
And when you breathe out,
You breathe out love,
Care,
Support,
Acceptance towards yourself.
Simply breathe in all that pain and suffering you feel inside of yourself right now.
Let it go into your heart and see how it disappears there and breathe out love,
Care,
Compassion for yourself.
Breathe in all the pain you're feeling right now,
All the distress.
Let it go through your heart.
Let it dissolve in your heart and transform into love,
Care,
Acceptance,
Openness.
One more time.
Breathe deeply in all what is painful for you right now.
It can be a body sensation,
It can be an emotion,
It can be whatever you shut down.
Let it go through your heart and dissolve there,
Disappear completely.
And when you exhale,
You breathe out love,
Care,
Openness,
Acceptance,
Dignity,
Respect for yourself.
And now bring to your attention a loved one in your family or friends or circle,
Someone you know is having a hard time right now,
Is maybe suffering,
Is having distress.
Imagine that person in front of your closed eyes.
Now put yourself into their shoes,
Feel what's happening for them right now and breathe it into your heart.
Let it go through your heart and disappear in there and exhale love,
Compassion,
Care.
Breathe it in through your heart,
Allow it to dissolve in your heart and breathe out love,
Care,
Respect,
Acceptance towards that person,
Almost as if that person could feel all the love and care and acceptance coming their way.
Breathe in all that creates tension and suffering for that person and with the exhale,
Breathe out love,
Dignity,
Support,
Care,
Curiosity,
Acceptance.
And now connect with that situation in the world that you started with at the beginning that was maybe breaking your heart or really hard for you to hear about,
To know about.
Connect with those people or that situation.
Breathe in that suffering,
That pain,
That distress that you feel.
Let it go through your heart,
Disappear there and breathe out care,
Love,
Compassion,
Dignity towards them.
Breathe it all in,
Trust in your capacity of your heart to hold this all and then allow it to disappear and then breathe out love,
Compassion,
Care towards those people.
Breathe it in and allow it to go through your heart and disappear there,
Dissolve and then exhale care,
Love,
Compassion,
Full acceptance.
And if you now want you can add all the people that are suffering in this world right now,
All the animals,
The nature,
The burning forest,
Whatever comes into your own mind,
Allow it all to be there and allow it all to touch you.
Breathe it all into your heart,
Allow that big heart of yours to open up for all of it and in your heart it all disappears.
Breathe out love,
Care,
Compassion,
Peace,
Dignity,
Respect,
Love and feel for them really like maybe even feeling those feelings coming their way,
Those blessings and wishes.
One more time,
Breathe it all into your heart.
Let it completely disappear.
Breathe out love,
Blessings,
Prayers,
Care,
Compassion.
Now come back to your present moment again,
Letting go of all those situations,
All those other people,
Just come back to yourself again.
And if you still feel very much in this situation,
I invite you to do one more breath just for yourself.
Breathe deeply in everything that still feels tense and holding any kind of body reaction,
Breathe it in through your heart.
Allow your heart to make it disappear and breathe out love for yourself,
Care,
Compassion,
Dignity,
Blessings,
Nurturing.
Now just take a moment to feel how you feel about yourself right now.
Notice how you feel about that situation we started with right now.
And now take three very deep belly breaths,
Deeply in through your nose,
Into your belly and exhale through the mouth and you can exhale with a sigh if you want to.
One more time,
Deep inhale and exhale through the mouth and when you hear the bell you open your eyes.
When you open your eyes,
Notice if you can be eyes open and at the same time still be connected to your heart.
There is a really interesting phenomenon that happens when we open our heart to our own suffering and the suffering of others.
There is a quote that reminds me of that,
That I got from my dear friend Peter.
It's a quote of Rumi and he says,
The cure for pain lies in the pain.
And in this compassion meditation I understood for the first time what it actually really meant or what it means to me,
Which is the more I open up towards the pain of myself and others,
What happens is actually if I really allow my heart to be touched by it,
It doesn't create more pain.
But what I feel is I have a bigger capacity to love.
My heart becomes bigger,
Becomes more caring,
Becomes more loving.
So in a way those meditations are not about really taking away the suffering of others because we can't.
Sometimes the suffering is part of the journey of a human being.
But whatever the reasons are we can't really know.
This is beyond our understanding.
Of course we can do something about it,
But what it's about is not to shutting it all down,
To shutting it away,
But to really feel the pain of certain things.
I strongly believe through feeling the pain of certain things we're not being only able to be more of love and more of service for this world,
But I also believe then we can actually see and develop that healthy anger towards changing something in this world.
You might notice more openness all of a sudden.
You might notice that you don't feel as contracted anymore,
That you almost feel joy or lightness.
But what we didn't do is we didn't deny that it's painful.
We didn't pretend,
Oh no,
I'm just above it.
It's not there.
But we really went there.
We really felt it all and we allowed it to transform.
And for me that is an authentic way of allowing our emotions,
But at the same time noticing that the way we perceive them is very often also influenced by how we see those emotions.
So on the one hand how we see them through our lens and almost glasses of our experience from our childhood,
Which we did in the first part,
But also that's what we did in the second part,
That we see it as something negative,
Something painful,
And that's why we reject it instead of allowing it in,
Allowing it to touch us.
So I hope this meditation supported you towards opening up more,
Opening your heart,
Feeling more love.
And this is actually a practice for me to really develop compassion for others in my life.
For me it's a practice to be a more compassionate leader,
To be a more compassionate person in this earth,
Which is the quality that I want to have in everything.
The question what is of service for everyone involved,
What is of service for every human being is at the root of how I want to look at life and go through life.
And it also helps me not to go through life with anxiety and rejection,
But with an openness and with a loving look,
With acceptance.
I would love to hear what it does for you,
What your insights were,
Your aha moments,
So please share them with me.
And also if you have any questions around this topic,
Please share your questions and comments.
I'm so happy to hear from you.
And may you be happy.
May you have the strength and resources to deal with difficulties in your life.
May you be loved.
May you find peace.
