Working With Difficult Emotions

When it comes to dealing with our emotions, some feel more difficult than others. When we work with our emotions, there are different layers to understanding them, holding them, understanding what they want to tell us, and transforming them. In this talk we will go deeper into the understanding of what we can do with "difficult emotions". Mounira shares her learnings and an exercise to start the quest to integrate all kinds of emotions.

Transcript

Wanted to talk about today is difficult conversations and working with difficult conversations, Not conversations actually, Apologies, No difficult emotions and how to work with difficult emotions and one of the reasons why I want to talk about this is first of all there's coronavirus and we have this huge situation right now that is tricky and we don't know how to handle it and what to do with it so that's the first thing it's a very current topic right now but also I've been you know almost like studying the topic for quite some time I think like for eight nine years now I've been deeply studying how to support people with difficult emotions but also how to transform them for me personally but also for others like what what what like I mean in general already the title a difficult emotion is already not really the right title for it because what it means is there's difficult ones and not so difficult ones why we call them that way is because some emotions are easier for us to handle than others right so that's that's the kind of the nature of things and what I found is that there's different parts of actually developing an emotional intelligence and an emotional literacy around our own emotional landscape and I want to talk about that emotional landscape and all those different areas as one part but also the second thing I want to talk about is how can we transform emotions and then the third thing is what could be practical practices to help us you know work with that and and what does that have to do with compassion so these things I want to talk about so the first part is what are the layers of emotions and I just want to say first I am NOT like I'm not an expert in the form of I'm not a psychiatrist or haven't studied psychology what I have studied in the last years intensively was mainly mindfulness practices in different areas and how like like more somatic and body therapy therapy connected with body sensations and mindfulness so that's kind of the area that I've been studying a lot in the last years so I'm I might also be a bit biased or have my view but the thing is and what I can say is what my experience showed me about these things or what my experiential learnings are and my my experience is that actually the experience of things and the experience of how they shift that's actually the most important thing not so much the concept about it right because once we have a concept of something that's not a bad thing right a concept can be very useful to understand a bigger picture and also to step back when we notice a situation but what it also can do is it makes us analyze everything in our heads which means sometimes we're not really with the actual thing that is there so on an experiential level what I noticed and what I learned is that emotions have first of all the level of awareness which means I'm just noticing my own emotions and that in itself is a huge learning curve because I don't know how it is for you but sometimes to really pin down what's the emotion that I'm sensing right now is already super difficult as a question and my experience is it takes some time to deeply study and again and again notice that emotion to become more clear to what is it more and what is it not so much right because in the beginning when we start connecting more to our emotional landscape what it is it's like oh it's uncomfortable or it's comfortable we don't really know more about it and to actually access a bit more a depth of the emotion my experience is what really helps is to go into the body and to be really present with the sensations that are going on in our body yeah and that are related to that emotion so really you know sitting and holding space for the emotion and the sensation in our body and noticing where is it right now but again not so much in this analyzing way of looking at it like oh this is this and this is that story right like the not so much from the thought but more like oh I feel really tender here and that part of my body currently feels a bit unsettled or there it feels like it's not so balanced or it's feels a bit numb today whatever that is right and so through holding that space for that emotion to be there what I notice is very often that can help us already to transform it I think I'm very technical right now but I'm going into an example now so you can see these different layers so let's say you're angry yeah and how anger shows up in our lives is like we're getting really like we are like oh you know something is really pissing us off and it comes up like something that needs to be just getting out right and so the first thing is like noticing oh there's anger for me here right now or I am experiencing that I'm really angry right now you can also name it right like I'm angry right now and then the second step would be to see okay where do I feel it in the body okay my throat is closing there's an energy I wants to just come up and also this energy wants to destroy something of someone right now like it's not yeah it wants to be very strongly expressed right so that could be what you're sensing and then you go deeper and really hold the space for that emotion and then you notice wow there's a tenderness to it yeah and maybe if you sense deeper oh a part of me feels hurt right now and because I feel hurt that anger is even stronger and then when you go into the hurt you might notice hmm that hurts goes even deeper right and so in that way there's not just anger and that's it and it just wants to be expressed but through going one layer deeper you might notice oh wow this anger is much more than just anger there's a part of me that feels hurt as a part of me that wants to protect itself there's a part of me that is not okay with the situation as it is because there's an underlying deeper pain or a grief that I haven't looked at yet so you see how deep that can go and how true body awareness is can actually show up in the way that I explained it to you now like oh this is underlying la la la just when you do it don't be so heavy about it saying oh I analyze myself it's not about analyzing yourself in that moment it's really about sensing it and then the other part is so the third part is then to cognitively understand oh I got hurt once there and this is a pain that got reenacted right now or I have a grief that I haven't really looked at and it's still there and this situation or this thing that this one person just said reminded me of it what I really love about those uncomfortable emotions is also they bear a lot of amazing information it's a real channel for information there's a lot of useful information in our sensations and in our emotions so if we just say oh that's anger it's uncomfortable I don't want to feel it what happens is we are not even looking at this huge bouquet of flowers I call it a bouquet of flowers because there's so much in it and it's actually a gift so the question is how can we then handle it if those emotions are such amazing gifts for us but they are also so uncomfortable we can't even handle it and that is then the practical way of how do we work with emotions which is we create the capacity we train the capacity to be with them no matter if they're comfortable or uncomfortable we just train our own capacity to be with our emotions no matter what right and and it is actually really something that we have to train because every one of us knows that when an emotion is really uncomfortable it's a physical discomfort that we feel so it feels physically uncomfortable in our body so much so that we have different strategies to work with it when it's really uncomfortable so some people dissociate which means we're just switching out of our body not feeling and sensing our body at all but we're like somewhere in the dream world making everything look nicer right so that's one of the ways going out of the present moment and just dissociating going into autopilot the other you know strategy that we have is just avoiding it just pressing it down and pretending it's not there a lot of people say oh there's something that doesn't feel so good right now well let's just see the positive sides of it right but if we just see the positive side of something it means we're basically ignoring it so what I want to go into is instead of ignoring it to authentically be with wow there is an emotion right now and this emotion is not easy to handle right now but to be with it right and then the other way of doing it is at water dealing with this comfort especially when there's another person involved is we're just fully putting it on the other person we are saying this person caused it the reason why I feel like this right now is not has nothing to do with me it has to do with the behavior of that person and what we do with that is basically not taking responsibility for our own emotions but also basically and that's for me and one of the crucial points when it comes to emotions we give all our power away to the other person basically what we say in other words is this person has all the power to control my emotions and the way I feel so to reclaim it again means to see yes there is a reason why the interaction with that person causes my emotion let's say I go back to the example of anger to say wow this person really made me angry and the behavior of that person makes me angry but then to reclaim and say but what part of this is mine right and then when you go deeper and you notice your own emotion you might notice why it makes me even more angry yeah why the anger is much more than this situation actually would need to is because I know that pain yeah or it reminds me of another time when I didn't feel hurt or it reminds me of another time when I felt that when my boundaries were crossed and because that pain is still there this pain is much bigger right now although what the person just did is not so bad but it feels the same way so as you notice it's really about getting more and more familiar with it but also befriending it really befriending it and the befriending of our uncomfortable or difficult emotions is not just an analytical thing one of the parts is to have the capacity to really feel all the discomfort without wanting to run away from it and they're not wanting to run away from it is so difficult because everything we want in such a situation is to run away we want to run away we just don't want to feel it in the same way it is right now we just want to feel good about things so they're not running away really means that we have yeah the capacity to be with discomfort and to hold it and before we go to the last part of it why this also helps us more with compassion I want to just practice that with you because it's the easiest thing and it brings us yeah I bring it more into reality and very practical how you can use this and work with this so I invite you to just find a way to sit that feels relaxed and comfortable at the same time and then close your eyes so taking three deep breaths deeply into your nose and out through your mouth deeply into your nose out through your mouth and now bring into your awareness a current situation a current difficult emotion that you have in your life right now and now bring into your awareness a current situation a current difficult emotion that you have in your life right now that feels tender and that feels difficult for you right now an emotion that is maybe also familiar to you you've been having it for quite some years you maybe an emotion that came up through the current situation feeling of unease and unsettle meant maybe a feeling of anxiety or not being in control whatever that is allow that sensation that emotion to be very present with you right now and now notice how does it feel in your body like where in the body do you notice that emotion and in which way does it show up your body like what's happening in your body connected with that emotion is it maybe your throat closing or chest tightness or heat and you don't have to do so much about it just hold the space for that emotion just be with it notice it allow it to fully be there and even if it's uncomfortable allow the discomfort in your body to be there and it helps if you keep on breathing deeply with the discomfort instead of holding your breath be very present with it and the way you look at it is with a look of not knowing what it is also not trying to know with a curiosity towards like oh I wonder what it is and also a loving kind look to say oh yeah that's maybe painful or yeah that emotion is there too and I notice if you see another layer in it like what's behind that emotion what else is there maybe an insecurity maybe a judgment I should have done this differently or I should be better in this or I'm not supposed to have that emotion should be okay whatever that judgment is just notice that and notice what's underneath that judgment you notice a very tender part inside of yourself very vulnerable tender tender part of you and then keep being curious and kind and loving towards that very tender part of you allow it to be there and now it to stay tender nothing to do nothing to change just notice well there's a really tender part inside of me right now and maybe also notice I don't like to feel so tender or vulnerable makes me feel unprotected and notice that you are right now protected nothing can happen to you and then maybe you want to just bring some kindness to that part of you just maybe a kind word like hey I see you or it's okay or I know you're doing your best and then slowly bring your attention back to your breath and just notice how the breath comes in through your nose and out through your mouth and if it helps you you can just breathe out to your mouth a few times with the sighs so you're like sighing out whatever is still left over now take another deep inhale and slow long exhale and open your eyes again there's multiple ways to actually even go deeper with that kind of practice but maybe you have seen that just through bringing awareness and attention towards emotion it can already transform somehow can already shift a little bit and maybe you have noticed at the beginning if you very vulnerable but also through the vulnerability is also a more spacious space like it feels more spacious and that is I think one of the really interesting things about working with difficult emotions so first of all it feels like tight and very you know constricting but then when we open up to it and we really are with it and we sit with it what happens is actually there's a whiteness that happens an expansion even physically feelable expansion of it's actually okay as a part that starts to relax and that is a really interesting part we hear a lot about deep compassion and true love and my experience is that's actually the first step towards true love is to feel the tenderness of our own pain and through that like we are becoming more open to the tenderness of this world and the tenderness of others and and that's actually a really beautiful thing because I mean we have all noticed that you know there's this one part that I have spoken about quite a lot right now which is our very personal part in dealing with our own emotions and that's already quite a thing right but then there's the other side which is dealing with the difficulty of our surroundings with the difficulty of hearing that so many people are in distress right now that people are dying that there's so many people who already were sick that are now in the risk group of getting even sicker and that we see that this is a global thing right now and because we are empathetic beings we notice that we can feel it we can feel what's going on in the world if we watch the news or not yeah as empathetic beings we notice when the world is in turmoil and we notice the pain of others and maybe one some of you you have like relatives or friends or people who you know that are struggling and it's really hard to to cope with that too so interestingly enough for me is like the more we can widen towards our own struggle and our own discomfort the more we can also you know meet other people who are in distress from a space of I notice your discomfort and it's okay that you're in it because if we are not okay with our own discomfort we're also not okay with the discomfort of others and what happens then is we want them to be okay so instead of just being there and saying to them it's okay that you feel that way what we do is we tell them do this and this and this to feel better and what we do with that actually is not really saying something that is of service for that person but what we do is we just want to you know shut the discomfort of that other person down not only for us but we feel like if we give them something very useful they will feel better and that way we feel better about ourselves again so you see how that is like a cycle that makes us instead of more compassionate actually less compassionate towards others and I think but so one of the things that's really interesting about these times is with we are in a time where there's a lot of discomfort coming up and it's actually a great chance for all of us to be honestly like I would say just authentic and honest about how we feel about it and that there's days when it sucks and it doesn't feel good which doesn't mean we're not having a growth mindset or it doesn't mean we're not optimistic as well but it means on some days it just sucks and it means that some days our own pain comes up and it's hard to handle it it means we are just being human and that it's okay that today and in these times that there are days when it's not so easy and sometimes in our lives it's not just a day sometimes it's a longer phase where we feel I'm not okay and I can't even say why and and I think part of like us evolving as humans is instead of shutting that down all the time and saying we all just have to run and function to step back and say let's look at the discomfort and let's look at the information of this is comfort because what if all those emotions and everything that comes up here has a value what about all this information that was received when we really go into this comfort what if this tender heart that we have for ourselves allows us to really be there with so much love and compassion for everyone else who's having a hard time what if the words that we say to that person come from a total different place and from a total different depth once we connected with it ourselves and I think that is the prospect and also the beauty of

Reviews

Very powerful the experience of sitting and inviting to befriend our difficult emotions. I need to now reflect. Thankyou for helping me to open the door.

Thank you for this gentle and effective practice. 💚💙💜

Thank you for your wisdom!

Dear Mounira, thank you for this reflective wisdom and practice to befriend and connect with compassion for ourselves and others. Sending good wishes with gratitude.

Instructive! A true drill-down into what "being with your emotions" means. Thank you for the clarity!