The Adult Chair Podcast: Learn To Live Authentically

How do I live authentically?

If you find yourself asking that question, you’re not alone. I hear this from clients practically daily, each feeling a connection with the concept, knowing they’re disconnected from their true, authentic selves, but at the same time struggling to move into that place of living their own lives authentically. To help us answer this question and better understand the practice of living authentically, Sandra Rojo is with us to share her expertise. Sandra is founder of Journey to Authentic living and her practice is dedicated to helping others find their authenticity through her practice in the healing and therapeutic arts.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to the adult chair on RashPixel FM.

I am Michelle Schelfont and today you guys we have a very,

Very special guest,

Sandra Rojo who is the founder of Journey to Authentic Living.

I figured I really want to have her on because that's such a big part of what we do while we're living in our adult chair.

So we will get to Sandra in a moment,

But first you can find out more about the show at TheAdultChair.

Com.

You can subscribe for free by signing up for our mailing list or find us anywhere the finest podcasts are served with a quick search for The Adult Chair.

You can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram and make sure to request to join The Adult Chair private group on Facebook.

It's a beautiful way to learn more about the adult chair and the people in this group,

They amaze me.

I think I say this all the time,

But they really amaze me every day because of how well they know this model.

You can ask questions,

You can get beautiful comments and it's private.

You can be vulnerable in there.

I love this space.

It's a beautiful,

Beautiful place for people that are really ready to learn how to live in their adult chair.

Okay,

And I have a tiny bit of business to go over with everybody.

I first want to say happy summer.

I can't even believe we're in summer now.

And I wanted to let you all know,

I'm just taking a tiny bit of time off from creating new shows because I need to create new programs for The Adult Chair for all of you.

So I'm going to be doing that just over the next few weeks.

I will be back with new shows August 2nd.

I have some really,

Really exciting things coming out in the fall and I just need some more time to work on them to be honest with you.

So I'm going to launch or not launch,

I'm going to release or share the best of the best from The Adult Chair podcast over the next few weeks.

So in case you missed some shows,

This is a great time to catch up.

I think that's about it.

I just want to say again,

Thank you for everybody that has commented in iTunes.

I am getting those comments.

Unfortunately I cannot comment back,

But I love them and I really,

Really appreciate all of you commenting in there.

It helps other people find the show.

That's it.

I would like to now introduce someone that actually I got to know over the last few months and I think she's absolutely amazing.

Sandra Rojo.

She is the founder and president of Journey to Authentic Living,

Which I think,

You know,

We all need practice doing this.

She is,

Journey to Authentic Living is a coaching,

Training and consulting company.

She has a BS in psychology and life coaching and has extensive formal training and certifications from accredited institutions in health and wellness,

Personal development,

Behavioral coaching,

Leadership and hospice care.

She is formally trained and a practitioner of mindfulness based stress reduction,

Motivational interviewing.

She also has extensive training in a myriad of integrative modalities,

Which include shamanism,

EFT,

Reiki and soul memory discovery,

Which sounds really cool.

She has dedicated the majority of her life to the practice and the study of holistic medicine and healing arts.

She is descended from a long lineage of healthcare professionals,

Including traditional and non-traditional medical doctors and therapists.

What a background.

Welcome,

Sandra.

I'm so happy to have you on the adult chair.

I'm so glad you're here.

Thank you.

And I'm so excited to be here,

Michelle.

Thank you so much for the invitation.

You are an expert in authentic living.

And again,

It's such a big part of living in the adult chair.

So this is one of the reasons I really wanted to have you on,

Just to explain to us more about authentic living,

What it is,

How do we do it?

A lot of us say,

I want to live more authentically.

And then the next,

The brain goes,

Well,

How do I even do that?

What does that look like?

So please tell us,

How do you define authentic living?

Yes,

Absolutely.

And you're right.

It's such a big topic and it is a practice,

Discipline in and of itself.

So we define authentic living as the desire to discover your true self so that you can live in harmony and peace with who you are versus what your environment and others think you should be.

And we believe that by living a life of authenticity,

We benefit from achieving a rewarding,

Fulfilling,

And purposeful life,

Regardless of our circumstances and problems.

And in consequence,

We have the potential to positively enhance our relationship with others in the world.

Authentic living does require the courage to ask ourselves the hard questions and to be completely honest about what truly is important to us in order to determine how we can achieve our human excellence,

As Aristotle,

The Greek philosopher,

Would say.

So again,

Each person has the potential to develop and foster greater self-awareness,

Regardless of where they are emotionally,

Spiritually,

Psychologically,

Financially,

And so forth.

Okay.

Tell us more about that.

Tell us how we do this.

Of course we want to be standing in our truest self and live with excellence and just live from that,

Really what I would call,

I guess,

Our real self.

Because underneath all of this,

All these masks that we wear and that we sort of accumulate throughout all of the years,

You know,

It seems to me that when we're children,

We are authentic.

You know,

There's nothing more authentic than watching a toddler in the mall have a temper tantrum.

They don't care.

They don't care who's around.

They're just their real self.

But it seems like somewhere along the line,

We get covered up.

You know,

We start getting covered up.

Maybe when we're having that temper tantrum when we're little,

We hear,

Stop it,

You are an embarrassment.

So then boom,

We cover up that part of who we are.

You know,

We cover that.

There's one layer.

And then we hear,

You're not smart enough.

Why did you only get a B plus on that instead of an A?

Boom,

There's another layer.

So it seems like somewhere,

I don't know,

It seems like it's younger now,

But it seems like in our 40s,

You know,

We start waking up.

But even in our,

You know,

Even younger now,

I hear a lot of people that are younger and like,

No,

I'm 28 or I'm 30.

And I feel like I'm just waking up and I want to be my real self.

But what is your opinion on all this?

Like tell me,

Tell me what your opinion is.

What are you saying?

Well,

Definitely.

Yeah,

Definitely.

What you're talking about,

It's if we look at children and they just seem so natural.

I mean,

They don't really have really any filters.

They just don't know,

Right?

And definitely,

We talk a lot about conditioning.

And you as a therapist and in the adult chair,

You know,

Take people through these stages.

You know,

You've got that inner child work that you do.

And I think that that's why people at a certain age just get tired.

There's,

You know,

I kind of believe that the so-called midlife crises really is one of the soul yearning to be born again,

You know,

Into shedding the skin,

So to speak,

And becoming the real self,

The true essence of who that individual is.

And it is a lot about conditioning and about what our parents taught us.

And you know,

Not all conditioning is negative,

You know,

Like having good manners or being courteous and things like that.

But definitely,

Our family or society really puts a lot of pressure on us to mold us,

Right?

It's kind of part of keeping the tribe alive,

You know.

It's kind of part of surviving.

I mean,

Yeah.

Our family wants us to be,

I mean,

They teach us to be more like them,

But not all families are authentic and functional and healthy.

So,

But yet all of that unhealthiness or dysfunction,

You know,

Passes down all those opinions and all the teachings really to cover up who we are,

You know,

Don't cry in public,

Don't show your emotions,

Don't speak up for yourself.

All of these things that are the opposite of living authentically,

Oftentimes we learn from our family or our friends or the society where we live or our tribe,

You know,

Wherever we grow up,

You know,

It's just we don't talk like that in this town or that's not what happens here,

You know.

So talk to us about,

You talk about a five-step process to finding our true self.

And I realized with my own clients,

I think people are having this awakening,

If that's the right word,

I guess I would call it like an awakening of,

It's sort of like we're waking up out of a dream.

Like,

I don't want to live like this because it doesn't feel like truth to me anymore or something feels off,

But I'm afraid because I don't know what that over there looks like.

And I think that's my true self,

But I'm afraid.

How would people in your,

With your clients,

You know,

How do you teach people how to really peel back those layers of untruth or the masks?

Like what is this five-step process all about that you talk about?

Sure.

Yeah.

And really it's sort of at kind of a high level.

I'll give you some of the steps and you know,

It's for people who want to embark on a journey of personal discovery and development and empower themselves to live a rewarding and fulfilling life,

Right?

A purposeful life.

And so it really begins with what we call the first step is the problem realization.

And that means usually that occurs through some kind of discomfort or pain in your life,

Sort of a crisis,

If you will,

Or you wake up one day and you realize that you're completely dissatisfied with your life.

You're not happy where you're working or you feel like you've chosen the wrong career,

Right?

So it usually there's a calling that comes from discomfort or suffering in some form or shape,

Right?

And then acceptance that there is a problem,

That there's a challenge there that needs to be addressed,

A need to change,

If you will.

And then the second step is the recognition of need for assistance.

And you know,

This is understanding that the problem or the issue or dissatisfaction,

However you want to label it,

Cannot be overcome alone.

And so there's a willingness of the individual to seek help.

And at that point,

They have this sort of readiness for change,

The readiness to embark on the journey of what that is.

And then the third step is the commitment to work with what we call a mentor or guide could be a therapist.

So it doesn't really matter,

But somebody who definitely is an expert who can take us through this journey.

And with that comes a firm commitment to work collaboratively with that guide,

You know,

Together exploring and gathering information and looking at alternatives and digging a little bit deeper and sometimes even going into that,

Definitely that inner child,

Taking a look at the conditioning,

Take a look at really what it is that we want and that we don't want perhaps.

And sometimes we think that what we want is accurate and not all the time is,

You know,

And it's changeable,

Right?

And so but that there's in this third step,

There's this commitment to mutually,

You know,

Agree with your guide on certain actions and goals and homework,

As I call it a little bit.

And I don't know if that word they always say,

Okay,

I've got my homework for this week or what have you.

It's nothing elaborate necessarily,

But they're just reflections and sometimes journaling and so many other tools there.

And then the fourth step is the confrontation of potential obstacles or tests.

And because that's what happens when we're implementing a new way of being,

When we're trying to change a lifestyle and enhance our life and become more fulfilled and satisfied,

We do encounter,

We can encounter these obstacles or these tests or resistance even from our family or friends.

They don't understand it,

Right?

And so kind of helping you to walk through that and have some kind of communication.

And then we draw upon the skills to reach that particular journey's end.

So it is about confronting and overcoming obstacles.

And then the fifth step is the discovery of the road back to authenticity.

So very much like the adult chair,

You know,

The,

I don't know if it's,

You would call it the last step,

But working with that healthy adult as you would say,

Right?

And so you're embarking on a new life,

You know,

You're earning goals sought and you're now able to even perhaps help other people.

And of course there's a lot more to each step,

But that would be kind of a high level because we can't force people to change.

I mean,

You and I probably see a lot of people who would benefit from living a more authentic life,

Not a hypocritical life,

Right?

We even have to encounter our own hypocrisy within our own cells.

You know,

We have to walk the talk.

So the guide is a lot about accountability,

Partnership.

It's a co-creative relationship.

And so,

Yeah,

So I hope that that kind of gives a highlight.

I really liked that a lot.

And what would you say to people?

Cause I'm thinking about what my adult chair peeps would say to this.

One of my clients or people in this close group,

It's like,

But what if we're afraid?

You know,

What if,

What do you do with that number four step,

Which is the resistance?

And I think a lot of people are afraid to speak up for themselves or,

You know,

Walk away from that church or set up a boundary so that that uncle that,

You know,

Is abusive to me verbally every weekend,

I don't want to see him anymore.

But if I don't go to the,

You know,

Family gathering on Sundays,

Then my whole family's going to reject me.

Or if I say no to my father going to this event,

Then he will never talk to me again.

But yet I really don't want to go on the inside.

Everything in my being is saying,

Don't go.

So how do you help people that have a lot of resistance in taking that step,

Even though it's the best for them and it feels like it would be the most authentic thing to do.

So if they run the risk of,

You know,

Again,

Upsetting a family member or being again,

You know,

An outcast and in the family member,

I have a lot of people,

Um,

Cause I now live in Tennessee and it's very religious where I live.

And I do have not,

Not a ton,

But definitely clients that come in and talk about,

You know,

I was born and raised in this church or that church and it doesn't feel like it's true for me.

And it hasn't for many years and I want to walk away.

But I think my family will disown me,

But it's not me on the inside.

So it's a big giant,

You know,

It creates so much stuckness if that's a word for people.

So what do you say about that?

What do you say to people that have that much fear around living authentically,

But their,

But their soul is calling out for them to do this?

Yes,

Definitely.

And it's really interesting because when you just said their soul is calling out for them to do this,

I'd like to kind of start with that.

I think that really is important.

Um,

Because when they,

When,

When the calling and the desire is greater,

Um,

The person will muster the courage to do what they have to do,

But definitely there,

There is a step,

Right?

You know,

I usually work with minimum with people when they're embarking on this particular journey that I was talking about,

It's,

It's,

It's a three month,

That minimum of three month commitment because this is not a one time session you come in and then all of a sudden your life's going to change the next day,

Right?

Um,

There needs to be some form of commitment,

But I think with the fear,

Everyone has some form of fear of being ostracized by their tribe,

Whether it's actually bloodline or family or friends or something like that,

Or the church,

Like you were saying.

Um,

What I have found,

Um,

And I hope this isn't going to sound so off,

Uh,

The wall and,

And if it does,

Just let me know.

But what I've encountered is that when people,

Um,

Do come to sessions,

They are,

They might not think it,

But you know,

Of course I'm always assessing,

You know,

People to,

To,

To see if we're right fit and so forth and ask them certain questions.

I'm sure you might as well,

Um,

To see where there are and sort of this evaluation.

And it's just amazing to see how courageous people actually are.

They just don't know it.

And so by working with,

With a therapist or with a guide,

Um,

With steps and with learned skills and learning about healthy boundaries,

Because part of living authentically,

The healthy boundaries just,

It comes naturally.

Um,

The body can't,

Can't take anymore,

Literally the physical body can't take anymore.

I can't go to church again and I can't.

And so we find ways tailored to that individual to take one step at a time in order to break through that fear,

But we must meet the fear.

We don't avoid the fear.

We must befriend that fear.

And,

Uh,

And we do that with,

With,

Uh,

The different techniques and modalities and so forth,

Uh,

To help sort of,

Uh,

Get that person really ready,

Uh,

To make greater steps.

And actually I've never encountered,

Uh,

In my profession where it was completely,

Um,

So difficult.

They just,

They're ready or like,

For example,

They'll come in,

I don't know,

I'm just saying nearly one week after another and they'll say,

Oh,

You'll never know,

You know,

What happened.

This is what I did,

You know,

And so forth.

And I'm just thinking right now of a gal,

Actually,

Um,

I have a,

Uh,

A client that comes from a very,

Uh,

Traditional culture and I'm just thinking about,

About her a little bit and,

Uh,

Some months back and,

And about what she was telling me,

You know,

She would text message me cause I make myself available as well during certain hours to also text message and,

Uh,

See how the clients are progressing.

And so it is amazing to find that people,

It just naturally,

It comes to them.

And I know that sounds kind of,

Uh,

Maybe idealistic or I can't think of the word right now,

But it really does come natural.

And I think it's because we're really preparing with this journey.

We're really getting people going and it,

And it's up to them,

You know,

The per the individual knows exactly how far they can,

Um,

Or cannot go with the situation.

So I don't know if that kind of answered the question or if it was too broad.

I think it really is always about getting in touch with what's blocking us.

So you said getting in touch with that fear and really getting to know that fear.

And I would say the same thing,

Baby steps,

You know,

It's about baby steps,

Um,

And getting you know,

Sometimes I think it's about helping our loved ones or our circles get used to who we are as a more authentic being.

Um,

One of my clients and I,

We can laugh about it now.

I'm even my client and I will giggle about it.

Sometimes we also,

She also gets angry,

But we laugh about,

Um,

She,

When she and I started working together,

I actually did a whole podcast with her on this because it was such an amazing experience she's had.

It was the podcast called soothing cannot be outsourced in this particular,

It was so beautiful.

This client was amazing.

And you know,

We started working together and she was,

You know,

Really learning a lot about boundaries and,

Um,

Needed to set some boundaries with her mother.

And so she started speaking up for herself and living more authentically.

In other words,

What was on the inside was coming out and her mother set up for her,

Um,

Unknowingly.

But thank goodness we found out ahead of time and intervention to have her sent away because she thought something was wrong with her.

And I'm laughing now.

Now I'm telling you guys,

Even my client laughs,

So I'm not laughing at her now.

Um,

But in the moment it was horrifying.

I was horrified.

Of course.

I'm like,

Why are you sending it?

Well,

She's acting strange and,

And she's telling me what she wants.

That's how foreign it was for her mother.

And they weren't crazy boundaries.

They were like,

Don't talk to me like that or don't come over,

You know,

So much,

Or I'm not going to call you.

You know,

It was very simple.

So we had to slow things way down anyways,

A beautiful experience.

And if you want to hear more about it,

It's on soothing cannot be outsourced.

Definitely.

It was,

It was unbelievable,

But that's how,

You know,

Some people look at us and setting boundaries.

And I think it would seem to me,

I would love your opinion on this,

That as we become more aware of our desire to live authentically and our stepping more into our authentic,

How do you say it,

Living or authenticity,

That boundaries just sort of come along with that because we realize,

Because we're so in our bodies again and so connected to ourselves,

Hey,

Someone's violating me and I'm not saying,

You know,

Rape,

You know,

But it's like,

I didn't like that someone said that to me.

I'm noticing it didn't feel right.

I'm going to speak up about it.

But so the more authentic we become,

The more in our bodies we are.

So therefore,

The more we naturally have the desire to set boundaries and then become someone that starts to set boundaries.

Would you agree with that?

Oh,

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

It comes naturally.

I mean,

There are just some things that even myself,

You know,

We didn't,

I wasn't taught healthy boundaries.

I didn't really know what that was.

And you know,

You just kind of learn and mimic from your parents a little bit here and there.

And you know,

So I think that definitely as I as I too have been on my journey to authenticity and authentic living,

Definitely I'm I my whole lifestyle has changed in comparison to what it used to be when I was in my 20s and in my 30s.

You know,

It just is a very different and one of them actually is I'm very selective about who I bring into my personal realm,

You know,

And friendships.

And before it was,

You know,

Because I'm a very friendly person and I'd like to be that way.

I mean,

I don't that's just who I am,

But I realize that sometimes people may take that in different ways.

Right.

I mean,

We all have our perceptions,

But I just kept on saying,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes to everything.

And I realized that that it just wasn't possible.

Yes,

Different levels.

So I had my boundaries.

So it's just it is just amazing.

But I absolutely agree with you that it just kind of comes naturally.

And you don't have to be nasty with people.

In fact,

You know,

There's no anger attached to it.

There's no negative emotions attached to the boundaries.

It's just now I'm not saying that there couldn't be because sometimes I think when you feel violated,

I'm going to take that word as well.

Or when someone's disrespecting you.

Actually I have I have quite a few experiences with that before I really stepped into my authenticity.

You know,

Before it just felt so foreign.

Well,

It would be felt foreign because I wasn't used to that.

I was used to a different way.

And you just kind of you know,

Then the culture kind of,

You know,

Where I grew up,

It just tells you just to be compassionate and to,

You know,

Take the high road,

So to speak.

And there's just so much more.

It's just so much more.

And I think the boundaries that might be appropriate for me may not be for somebody else.

But that's OK,

Because when you are helping someone empower themselves,

They define those boundaries.

So it's not me as,

You know,

The coach to do that for them.

But we discover that together.

Yeah.

And I believe again,

I'd like your opinion on this.

But when we are living more authentically,

We're more connected to our again,

To our souls,

To ourselves,

Our inner self,

Our higher self.

So I love how you were just saying it's fact.

And that's so adult chair fact and truth.

It's like there's no emotion about it.

And I like when you said also,

I can relate very much to the saying yes to everybody to please them all,

Because we should be polite.

You know,

I'm right.

You know,

I have so much Italian blood in me.

That's just what we do.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Exactly.

It's like I'm just that's what we're supposed to do is take care of everybody and say yes to death.

And I remember when I started getting really busy with my business a few years ago and I said no more during the week lunches.

Like I just can't.

I can't because I need creative time and I can take those,

You know,

During not even lunch.

But you know,

You know how it is when you go out to lunch,

It's like 30 minutes to get there,

You know,

An hour and a half at lunch.

I'm like,

I need that precious time during the week.

So now when I have people that say to me or for the last few years,

Hey,

Do you want to go to lunch?

In my being,

I love so much what I do.

And to me saying no,

I don't do lunches during the week is very authentic.

And I speak it and that's my boundary.

But it's not like I'm upset with anybody for asking me.

I'm honored that people ask me.

But I'm so clear about it.

And it's like nobody gets upset.

They're like,

Oh,

OK.

You know,

It's just very clear.

I'm living authentic.

I'm living to what is true for me.

And people are OK with it,

You know.

And I think that the clearer we are,

The more authentic we are when we speak it.

And again,

From that fact and truth place without emotion,

People on the other end are typically less triggered because we're not coming at them with emotion.

And I say this to my clients all the time,

Like,

You know,

You don't need to,

Don't give me all these apologies and don't give so and so all the apologies and explanations.

You know,

They get lost in the weeds.

Directly tell them what you need or what you'd like and move on.

You know what I'm saying?

I love that.

I think that's beautiful.

I really do.

And you're right.

I love the word we clear out or we clean out.

We're not coming from emotionality,

You know.

It's just kind of the way it is.

And I think that that's what I was trying to say as well,

Where there's just no anger.

There's no it's nothing.

It's neutral.

And definitely that feels right.

I don't know about your audience as they're listening to this,

But it feels very empowered and it's not forceful.

It's not manipulative.

It's not pushing or pulling.

It's just like this is the way it is and would you know or whatever the situation can call for.

And that kind of is the same thing with my personal life.

Like I said,

You know,

It was very interesting some years back,

Really just kind of saying yes to a lot of different people and I found myself that I wasn't having the time to really nurture my creativity and really concentrate on what I needed to do.

So definitely there was a boundary that I had to make or create.

Once we start moving down this path of authenticity,

I find we don't go back to how we once were.

Do you find that that's true?

Would you agree with that?

Absolutely.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

I love it.

Because it feels so damn good.

My body is like,

Oh my God,

Even just there's like a visual like looking back going like you're in the rear view mirror,

Honey.

Well,

It just feels so good.

I'm like,

Oh,

I can't imagine going back to the old me.

Really it's the covered up me,

Right?

It's like,

Ugh,

No,

No,

No,

No.

It's so freeing.

It's like if we are these beings of light and I feel like we are,

It's like when we are uncovering and living from this space and this place where these beauties,

Our light shines so brightly than when we speak and it just feels good,

Doesn't it?

It just feels so good.

It totally does.

No,

It really does.

When you were talking a little bit about this just in general and I've listened to your other podcasts and things like that and I find it really fascinating how even in the adult chair and I can see why you have so many people following you and things like that on your Facebook and it must feel safe and all that because it's,

You know,

You're contributing even your authenticity in the adult chair is contributing to help empower people to discover that within themselves and that innate and natural way of being,

Right?

I mean,

It just,

And that's what we need and I think so many of us,

You know,

I mean,

It's nobody's fault.

It's just many,

Many of us didn't have that growing up.

We didn't really have that model and so today we've got to parent ourselves and we have to find people and they can support us on our journey and help us understand what are those healthy boundaries and but definitely,

I mean,

When you start shedding the old skin,

So to speak,

It just,

Or those masks as you were saying,

It definitely,

It's so difficult to go back.

I mean,

You just can't even,

You can't even imagine it's just like a different life.

It is.

I like what you said.

It's our innate and natural way of being.

I love that.

It's so true.

It's like that soul of ours,

I think,

Comes in and it has a personality.

It has a mission and we just get so covered up and we're so unique and we're meant to be that way.

We're not meant to be like anybody else.

So when we compare ourselves to other people and we say,

We have it,

I should be more like this and more like that and he does this and she does,

It's like,

No,

Be you.

But we don't know who we are unless we're connected to ourselves and we're dropping into that innate and natural way of being.

I love that.

It's a beautiful,

I love that.

Yeah.

And well,

I'm glad you do.

And I feel it for myself and I just,

I feel so honored witnessing that.

I'm sure you do too.

I don't know,

Witnessing that in your clients,

Just like this lady you were talking to,

I was talking about and that you can almost laugh because I think,

Believe it or not,

Humor really is,

I mean,

I'm not the first one to say it,

But humor really is a beautiful thing.

I mean,

When you can look back and say,

Oh my goodness,

And I've taken myself too seriously or this situation too seriously and because we can only change ourselves.

We can't change other people.

Amen sister.

Yeah,

I know.

God knows I've tried to try to change other people much of my life,

But I gave up on that.

We can't do it.

I still try sometimes.

I know,

I know.

Sometimes you're like,

Oh,

Wait a minute,

Wait a minute,

I'm not going to try to do that.

I'm going to try to convince you or anything like that as long as it doesn't infringe upon my values or something that's,

I do believe that everyone is free to be who they are as long as they're not exploiting or obviously abusing other people and things like that.

But one of the things I want to say too is that when we look at the innate and natural way of being,

You know,

The sort of self realization,

If you will,

This fulfillment or these feelings of purpose,

They really go beyond what we do,

You know,

And it's more about who we are.

And if we can really embark on that journey with who we are and discovering that and exploring,

Then that sense of purpose really births because one of the things that some people come to me for is that they feel like they should be,

Quote,

Unquote,

Doing something like,

Oh,

I need to be a yoga instructor.

But they're,

You know,

Even as adults,

They're being conditioned by the society because all of a sudden there's this New Age spiritual movement.

All of a sudden they all have to be shamanic practitioners.

They all have to be whatever yoga instructors and they all have to be at least I've encountered that.

And they discover that they've taken these classes or that they and believe it or not,

They come unhappy.

I mean,

They come to me already where they said,

Well,

I've done this and I'm not,

You know,

This is the road I want to take,

But I've discovered that I'm not happy because really what they wanted to do was go into nursing or what they wanted to do was really just play with their cars,

Fix them and sell them or something.

And I'm not joking when I say that there's actually an old kind of mind who had a collection of old car like he'd buy old vehicles.

But he was so influenced by the girlfriend with and I'm bringing up yoga.

So I'm not picking on yoga people,

By the way.

I'm just saying that it just I have a lot of people that come with spiritual crises and things like that.

And anyways,

To make the long story short,

It was like he not only did not know his own self but he didn't have clear boundaries also with his girlfriend.

And he,

You know,

They would have these arguments and things like that because she was trying to get him to change and to become more spiritual and to eat a certain way.

And it was just like I remember him saying,

Sandra,

He says,

I'm all fine with that.

He says,

I'm OK.

He says,

But I don't want to be a yoga instructor.

I want to fix my cars.

He says,

And I actually want to sell them.

He says,

I've done it before when I was younger.

I mean,

I don't know how old I don't remember how he was over 40.

But I remember that.

And I remember getting him to the place where he could really authentically communicate that to his girlfriend because it was a point where they were going to break up.

And the relationship ended up just through this conflict,

They ended up staying together and growing together.

And it was beautiful.

And I periodically hear from him and he's already got a child with her and he's selling,

Fixing and selling VW bugs and corks.

That's awesome.

Yeah,

It's hard,

Though,

When we have other people in our lives that want us to do something else.

We don't want to disappoint.

We don't want to go against.

We think we're doing the wrong and that should word boy.

I tell my clients to use the C word instead,

Which is could.

The other C word.

Instead of saying should,

I'm like,

Stop saying should use the C word.

What's the C word?

They're like the C word.

I'm like,

It's a could.

But it really just stopped shaming us when we get rid of that C word or the S word,

The should word.

Because it feels like somebody's reprimanding you.

You know,

You should do this.

It's kind of talk a little bit more about happiness as not a beneficial goal to try to achieve.

Talk to us even more about that.

Yeah,

It's a good one.

Happiness is ephemeral or in other words,

Not long lasting.

And I know a lot of people are really and they want to be happy,

You know,

But happiness is just it's not long term.

And so I prefer to use,

You know,

The word fulfillment or satisfaction as you've heard,

Right?

Living a rewarding and fulfilling life,

A purposeful life according to what you your true essence says that that purposeful life is because that could just be being a mom,

You know,

Or the guy who's doing the Corvettes and not aspire to be a celebrity or something like that or what have you.

And so,

Yeah,

Happiness is just it's not the best goal in my point of view to have.

I just want to be happy because like right now I'm with you and I am happy and I'm excited to talk to you and to talk to your audience and to just have this great discussion and I can visualize and pretend that we're like in in Italy in this cafe drinking coffee and talking.

We are.

And then and then I might just leave my office after the show is done and then something might take me out of that little trance or out of this wonderful quote unquote happy feeling and might might take me into a more serious mode.

But because I've been in that because I'm more serious or because I've heard something that's unpleasant or something like that doesn't mean that I'm this unhappy long term individual.

So happiness is I think you one time shared with me before.

It's not sustainable.

Right.

I don't think it's it's more like a buzz.

It's like I call it the happiness buzz because it comes and goes.

And unfortunately,

We do as humans think if I had,

You know,

Fill in the blank,

Then I'll be happy.

If I had the spouse,

The partner,

The boyfriend,

The girlfriend,

The house,

The money,

The car,

The whatever,

Then I'll be happy.

And I've worked with a lot of people that have that have acquired a lot of things,

Whether it be cars,

Like you're saying,

Or wealth or whatever.

And they've come to me and they've said,

OK,

So I've got everything I've ever wanted and then some in my life and I'm still not happy.

What's wrong with me?

It's such an interesting question.

You know,

Why am I not happy?

I really am trying to find happiness.

And I think it is it is the old saying,

You know,

Happiness is an inside job.

It is lining up with who we are.

It is living authentically,

But it's taking our pointing our attention inside instead of outside.

And what I suggest to my clients is to look for peace,

Not happiness goes up and down.

Just like you said,

You may leave your office right now and something may happen and we're very happy right now.

And then,

Boom,

You're down.

So I think our emotions,

You know,

We're humans that have emotions that are high and low.

The low is not bad.

It's not bad.

And the high is not good or bad.

It just is.

So we want to let them all flow through us.

But what I want to settle into as much as I can is more peace.

And for me,

Peace is more sustainable than the happiness buzz that shoots.

Again,

If we get a new car,

Let's say,

And I wanted a new car for so long and I got the new car and you get in and oh my gosh,

It's so beautiful and I love this car.

We're on the happiness buzz high or the happiness high for,

You know,

Two weeks.

And then on the third week,

It's like,

Oh yeah,

It's my car.

You know,

It's gone.

And then we think,

Okay,

Now I got to find something else.

But when we're really connected to ourselves and the inside,

We can sustain,

It seems to me,

More peace.

It's like we settle into this,

You know,

It's this calm,

Peaceful state,

I guess you'd call it.

But I think it's very much attached to authentic living because I think when we're authentic,

I'm feeling all of those emotions that are coming through me.

I'm allowing them through and I'm not judging them.

And I'm resting in that space of neutral,

Of again,

In my opinion,

It's peace.

But sometimes,

Like just like you had said,

You know,

Sometimes it's not peace.

Sometimes I'm upset about something.

But then in my neutral,

It's more of a peaceful state.

Well,

And that's beautiful.

I love that rest,

You know,

Resting in that.

And I think that that is,

I think that that would be part of our true nature.

But unfortunately,

Because of all these masks,

I love that metaphor,

Of all these masks that have been put on or that we put on ourselves and then all the traumas and all the negative,

So called negative experiences that we've had as children and kind of being lost and all that.

Yeah,

I mean,

I think that it peace really is important.

And you know,

All the great theorists talked about it,

Abraham Maslow and Roel O'Meil and you know,

Victor Frankel,

You know,

They all had these theories.

Victor Frankel,

If you guys haven't read Man's Search for Meaning,

Real thin book,

But it's profound.

You know,

He talks about,

He's the one that created logo therapy,

But he talks about that people,

They yearn for meaning in their life.

You know,

Or for example,

Abraham Maslow,

When he went beyond his hierarchy of needs,

He talked about what is self-realization or transcending beyond that,

What does that kind of look like?

And you know,

Of course,

There are theories,

You know,

It's not based on any scientific stuff,

But he had this criteria of these people who lived where they felt realized and they were cranky at times.

And they had their problems,

But there was a resiliency there.

And I think that,

You know,

That's what I feel is important.

And you tell me if you do this as well,

Is that,

You know,

It is about parenting ourselves as well and realizing that that journey to authenticity requires different sets of skills that we have learned growing up and that it's all part of it.

I mean,

It's all doable and it's all great and you don't have to be happy go shiny,

Lucky people.

You know,

It's that that's what life is about.

And actually,

I've had clients when they have had down times where they were perplexed about that because they said,

Well,

Now that I'm in my purpose or now that I feel this way,

Why am I?

So it's almost like saying it's OK.

We just it's OK.

It's OK to sometimes be angry or cranky and it's life and it makes life interesting.

But that is that attitude we need to step sort of step into that because believe it or not,

There are people who really think or believe that they need to be even keel with the happy with this happiness or whatever.

It's like I always have to feel.

Yeah,

I mean,

And I think I believe our emotions move us to do the next step in our lives or the next take action.

So again,

Maybe not not right away,

But if I'm upset about something or angry or grieving or whatever,

Whatever is happening,

It helps us to to that next step in our in our life path.

So emotion and went in for happy.

We're going to move in this other space,

You know,

Or this other step.

It's like we need our emotion.

It's about feeling all of it.

So that's great.

Wow.

Yeah,

Definitely.

I really do want to be in Italy or Spain having a little cafe with you right now.

That would be nice.

So you say,

Yeah,

Coffee.

Yes,

That's what I thought.

This was fantastic.

So how do we wrap this up?

You know,

Baby steps and follow what's going on inside.

What else would you say about living authentically?

This is not about taking this giant leap of here I am.

This is the new Michelle.

You know,

It's it's really starting to recognize that inner call or that inner voice of who we are and starting to own it and embrace it and then find ways to step into it.

What else would you say about living authentically?

Oh,

My goodness.

You've covered so much.

I would just say,

You know,

Really looking at that self critic as well.

And just really looking at,

You know,

What like you said,

What is going inside?

I mean,

You really kind of said that it's just and it there there are steps.

So it's not like all of a sudden you come out and then,

You know,

This is who I am and all that.

It comes gradually and your body does tell you and it's intelligent.

So definitely take a look at that and not be afraid of those stronger emotions that sort of bubble up at times and just rather sit with it.

I always like to tell people or to try to help them.

And I'm sure you do this as well as is let's just not let's try to step back when there is a strong emotion,

Especially in obviously a negative emotion.

And let's just step back for a moment.

And I really endorse and,

You know,

Contemplation,

I think,

Is huge.

And I don't think we do it enough.

I know that sometimes people say,

Well,

I meditate and meditation,

You know,

I mean,

People have different interpretations of that.

But I think contemplation is really important.

And I think asking yourself questions,

You know,

The what,

The who,

The when,

The where are important.

It'll get you to the why.

And then definitely partnering up with someone that can really help you grow.

And I'm going to say one more thing that I think is really huge.

Yes,

You want somebody who's supportive and not judgmental.

And of course you want that.

Definitely.

But I would highly suggest working collaboratively with someone who is going to be an accountability partner.

Definitely.

Yeah,

Because because there's so many people that enable.

We don't want to do any enabling.

We want to be compassionate.

We want to.

But but we're not in the business of enabling.

We're in the business of that when something arises that's uncomfortable to be able to hold kind of hold you in that space,

But also just push you enough to take you a little bit further.

Right.

So true.

That's important.

So true.

And if I can use an example,

I think this is what you're talking about.

I just want to break that down.

You know,

With my friendships,

If they come to me,

Anyone,

Friend,

Family and client,

Of course,

But friend and family,

Too.

And they'll say,

Can you believe,

You know,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah happened?

And I'm like,

Yes,

I can.

It's like I don't,

You know,

So oftentimes,

You know,

I'm I'm I try always to be truthful,

You know,

And and stand in my own authentic space and listen without taking sides,

But listen and just give them,

In my opinion,

What the truth might be.

And then I offer another,

You know,

And I think so often we'll call a friend and we're looking for them to collaborate with us and say,

Oh,

Yeah,

It's not your fault.

I'm like,

Sometimes I don't say that,

Though.

Sometimes I'm like,

But I want them to do that with me.

Those are my friends.

Call me on it.

I want to know because I want to become more authentic.

Right.

And that's what we're doing.

We want to find authentic friendships that can call us on our crap when we are not lining up with who we are and not taking responsibility.

So I think that's is that what you were saying?

That's exactly what I mean.

And I do believe and I was trying to find words to say that as well.

And there are sometimes exercises and things need to be done.

And sometimes there's a little bit of probing with those questions,

You know,

A little bit.

And I think that that's I don't know if you do that,

Michelle,

But I know that that's what I do a little bit.

And I always let people know ahead of time.

This is just for your growth,

You know,

For your growth.

You don't have to believe it or embrace it or,

You know,

It's to get it.

You know,

We I think we're living in a time right now globally where we definitely need to wake up more and we need to stop using the blame,

Whether it's our parents or the president or dog or the neighbor or this.

I mean,

We need to start looking within and saying if I have a trigger,

What is going on?

What unresolved issue wound?

And I do it for my I do it to myself.

You know,

If I find that somebody kind of I go inward and I say,

OK,

That person kind of pissed me off.

And what is that?

What is that about?

You know,

So I think that the journey is a lot about that.

And so that's where I like to take people is inward.

And I'm hearing that you like that as well.

And of course,

I don't know if that's always happening within within school structures,

Within within learning institutions.

I don't know.

I just know that television certainly is not giving people good role models.

Right.

It's not on any on any level with all these reality shows.

So why I'm saying this,

Even though it sounds like it's often a tangent,

I apologize.

It's just that it's so important for us now,

Because when we really live our authenticity,

We feel fulfilled.

We are fulfilled.

We feel like we're we're we're moving towards something and it's and it's away from that anger and that hatred and that,

You know,

I'm just going to tell you,

I'm just going to be vengeful.

No,

No,

No.

And it goes on both sides.

It goes with the peace,

Love and people are actually can be very aggressive.

So it's about taking a look within and having that accountability partner.

And I love that you said that,

Michelle,

Because I certainly want people to call me on my crap and let me know,

Hey,

Maybe you can point that,

You know,

I like that.

So yeah,

That's truth.

Exactly.

And you know,

We all serve as mirrors for everyone else on the planet.

Everyone is just a mirror for our stuff.

That's it.

So you can you can tell me you can call me on my crap anytime,

Sandra.

Well,

You can call me on my crap,

Too.

I hope so,

Because,

Man,

You've got a great perspective on things.

I think you do,

Too.

So again,

Thank you.

All right,

My darling.

Thank you for this.

This was so great.

I'm imagining us in Italy having a cafe having a cafe at the outdoor cafe.

I know.

Wonderful.

We had a cappuccino at the outdoor cafe.

And we will do that when we do an Italian workshop over there.

You know,

I speak fluent Italian,

So we've got to go to Spain,

Too.

So we're going to travel all over.

All right.

Thank you.

So,

Sandra,

Let people know if you could where they can reach you.

Give us your website.

Let us know if someone would like to maybe do a session with you,

Whether it be in person or long distance or Skype.

How do people reach you?

Sure.

So I can be reached at Sandra at J hyphen T a l dot com.

So that's Journey to Authentic Living,

But obviously,

In short acronym.

And then my website is www.

J hyphen T a l dot com.

And I've got a telephone number that's a business line.

And that's 719-649-4418.

It is not a California number,

But it's just a number that everybody calls me on and can leave a message.

And I do have Skype and Zoom and all that other good stuff.

And then definitely follow us on Instagram at Journey to Authentic Living.

And I also have a Facebook page with the same name,

Journey to Authentic Living.

Awesome.

And I just want to say for all the people that are in California that ask me,

Is there someone that knows the adult chair in California?

Well,

Sandra does.

She's in Southern California,

Though.

She's in,

Not though,

But and.

He's in San Diego.

So I'm looking for people in California,

Therapists and coaches that know the adult chair,

Because I get asked that question quite a bit.

So you are one of them.

Well,

Thank you.

Yeah.

And I love your Instagram pictures.

You've got fabulous pictures on Instagram from your travels around the world.

So thank you.

Definitely want to follow her.

Thank you.

All right,

Everybody.

Thank you so much,

Sandra.

And thank you.

You're welcome.

It's been it's been a pleasure.

And I just I'm so happy that we've connected.

And you know,

Your clients are very lucky to have you because you're you're awesome.

And I've spoken to you personally.

So I just love the friendship that we're building.

I know you're awesome.

I love it.

Yay.

Thank you,

Too.

It's that you're a blessing for sure.

Thank you.

OK,

So for listeners of the adult chair,

Audible is offering a free audiobook download of your choice with a free 30 day trial to give you the opportunity to check out the service,

Which again,

I love.

So you can check out we have actually Sandra and I have collaborated.

We have talked at length about this one.

We have two books for you guys today.

You can go to audible trial dot com forward slash the adult chair to get one of these books for free.

You get a 30 day free trial audible trial dot com forward slash the adult chair.

So Sandra,

You like the book Essentialism from Greg McKeown.

Is that how you say it?

McKeown.

I think so.

McKeown.

Yeah.

McKeown or something like that.

So give us two sentences on why you love that book and how it relates to living authentically.

Well because everybody thinks that living authentically has something to do with having to do it all.

And it's this busy,

Busy,

Busy.

And it actually isn't.

It's not doing less just for the sake of less either.

It's about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential.

I love that.

Clear the weeds.

I'm always talking about clearing out the weeds and do the most important thing,

Say the most important thing,

Get rid of the weeds.

So that's I like this book.

Thank you.

The one that I am recommending is called Soul Shifts by Dr.

Barbara DeAngelis,

Which again,

I haven't heard from her in a long time.

She used to be on Oprah all the time.

So this book,

Soul Shifts,

It says transformative wisdom for creating a life of authentic awakening,

Emotional freedom,

And practical spirituality.

I mean,

I used to love her,

But I have not heard from her in a long time.

So I have not actually listened to this book,

But that is one I'm for sure going to download as well as essentialism.

I'm a little bit addicted to audible.

I'm not going to lie.

I have it on my phone.

And I listen.

I mean,

I go back and forth.

I mean that in YouTube all the time.

I'm back and forth listening to something all the time.

I love to learn.

So I just can't stop myself.

Me too,

Hun.

I love to learn.

Lifelong learners here.

We are life seekers and lifelong learners.

No doubt about that.

So again,

Thank you.

Thank you,

My love.

This was amazing.

And thank you for sharing with us all of your wisdom on living authentically.

This was a fabulous way to kick off our summer.

And you know,

I think you really gave our listeners a lot of good tools and ideas on what they can practice and they can definitely practice this over the summer.

So this was great stuff.

Thank you.

That is great.

Thank you.

And I know that thank you for the invitation for the Facebook too as well for your group.

Please do.

Because when we get comments on this,

People are going to want to hear from you.

So we'd love to have you comment directly to anyone that would like to comment when we're in the adult chair close group.

So thank you for joining us.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So okay,

Everybody.

We're going to be live with new shows August 2nd.

I will again,

But in the next few weeks,

We're going to be sharing all the hottest shows that you all liked.

So we will be sharing those over the next few weeks as well.

So this is Michelle Schelfant and I will see you next time right here seated firmly in the adult chair.

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