The Adult Chair Podcast: Codependency- Ending the Addiction To "Help" Others

We often feel responsible for fixing and taking care of others. When we aren't "helping", we may feel anxious or useless. These could be symptoms of codependency. In today's show, Michelle reviews what may have happened in our childhood that sets us up for codependency. She also discusses exactly what this looks like in adulthood, and how you can heal and transform your life by recognising these tendencies or thought processes, and shift your mindset for the better.

Transcript

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair.

I am Michelle Schelfont.

I have a topic that continues to come up that we are talking about today.

It is codependency.

I'm calling this codependency 2.

0.

Maybe it's 3.

0 because I've already talked about it a few times,

But I think this is a topic that really needs our attention again.

So I'm going to talk to you all about codependency and how we can really,

First of all,

Know if this is something that's plaguing our lives or that's in our lives.

And also,

How do we walk our way out of codependency?

How do we transform our lives away from this codependency?

So lots to talk about today.

But first,

You can find out more about this show at theadultchair.

Com.

You can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest.

Yes,

I'm new to Pinterest.

And make sure to request to join the adult chair private closed group on Facebook.

If you want to learn more about this model called the adult chair and be with really a select few of like-minded people that really want to learn how to live in the highest version of themselves,

Then please come join us there.

As you know,

I love this group.

Amazing.

Okay.

I have a little bit of news for you all,

And I'm really excited about this because it was such a huge hit last year.

I'm going to do it again this year,

And that is the 30-day journaling challenge.

And of course,

It is absolutely free.

I had such a great response last November when we did this.

And if you can believe it,

It's time to get ready to do this again.

We're already in October,

Which is insane to me,

But it's time.

For those of you that were not with us during this journaling challenge last year,

Let me just tell you a little bit about it because it was really amazing.

Basically what happens is I send out one journaling prompt a day for 30 days in November.

So every single day in your inbox,

You'll get another journaling prompt or just one journaling prompt.

And it's not just a one-liner.

I want you to know I spend a lot of time writing these.

I get very creative with them.

And sometimes they're even a paragraph.

And they're just ideas for you as far as what you can write on for that day,

Write about for that day.

Journaling is such an amazing tool to help us go deeper into the self,

To learn more about our parts and integrating those parts and finding our true self.

The list goes on and on.

It's like going to therapy every single day,

In my opinion.

I love journaling.

So there's more information on this on my website at theadultchair.

Com forward slash journal.

And again,

You need to sign up for this if you are interested.

If you are a member or a subscriber to my email,

My weekly emails with a podcast,

You will not get the journaling challenge.

Let me be very clear.

I am not inundating every single person on my list with the journaling challenge.

So even if you are already a subscriber of mine,

You still need to sign up for this challenge.

And the challenge again is the go to theadultchair.

Com forward slash journal.

And you can go ahead and put your name and your email address in and then I will send you a daily prompt the entire month of November.

And then of course,

If you're interested,

We spend a lot of time chatting about it in the adult chair closed group.

So it's an absolutely just fabulous way to go deeper into the self and get to know yourself a lot better and uncover some things that you might not know about.

And that's why we journal.

So there you have it.

Okay.

Let's talk about codependency.

I've had many,

Many clients again recently speak up about their relationships,

Their family or their friends or their spouses or their boyfriends or girlfriends or partners or whomever.

And they're alarmed when I wonder,

Gee,

I,

You know,

This sounds a little bit codependent.

Like what do you think?

And I'm surprised at the number of people that are not quite sure what that even means.

Number one.

And number two,

They think,

Well,

That's not me.

Certainly I'm not codependent.

And just in the last few weeks,

It keeps coming up and up and up.

And I thought,

You know what?

I need to talk about this because people are just not quite sure what it is.

So we're talking about it today.

And as I've said before,

I don't love labels because people feel like if they get labeled as something,

They're stuck in it forever.

And that is not my belief.

My belief is we can change anything and everything.

So it's just energy in motion.

We just got to move it.

But I do like understanding some of our behaviors.

So if you feel like codependency might be something that you're doing and that you're living with,

Understand that,

Okay,

Now you've got some tools to help work your way through it and out of it.

You're not stuck in it forever.

So be careful with claiming this as who you are.

It's not your identity.

It's something,

It's a habit that you're in.

Okay.

And we're going to walk,

I'm going to walk you through it today and how you can walk right out of it.

Okay.

So I just want you to be mindful of using the label.

Sometimes I feel like people put them on their forehead and it becomes who they are and this is not true.

So again,

I'm calling this podcast,

Really codependency.

I think it's 3.

0 because I've done a few other versions of codependency.

And if you want to go back and listen to them,

It's podcast number 11 and podcast 70 and 70,

I think is the one that I talked about codependency and ending codependency in relationships.

So that's a really good one.

So it's number 11 and 70.

I will add these to the show notes in case you guys are driving and you can't write these numbers down.

Just look at the show notes and they will be there.

Okay.

Here we go.

Let's start out with what codependency is.

Where it comes from or how it develops is this,

Is that when we're born,

We're vulnerable and we are dependent on our caregivers for things like food safety and regulation,

Okay?

Emotional regulation.

In other words,

When we're crying,

We need our parents to help soothe us.

So our attachment and bonding is critical and crucial during these early,

Early years.

So the attachment makes the baby rely on the needs and vulnerabilities of the caregivers because think about it,

When we're babies,

We're innocent little vulnerable creatures.

We can't walk.

We can't feed ourselves.

We're really,

Really dependent on who is taking care of us.

So think back to your really early years.

What was happening?

Were your physical and emotional needs met?

What was going on with your parents during that time?

Think back on that just for a moment.

What was happening with you and your family and your life?

Remember this is not an exercise in blame.

I am not asking anyone to sit back and judge or blame their parents.

All that I'm asking you is what was going on way back when?

So as you're thinking through this,

You might be having some thoughts.

I want to share with you just a little bit of my story and just to kind of give you an example of how codependency happens.

So remember when we grew up with unreliable or unavailable parents,

We begin to take on the role of caregiver or caretaker or enabler.

So my parents loved me.

I had no doubt about that,

But there was a lot of stress with them in their own marriage during that time.

And I know I've shared this before.

I was a colicky baby.

In fact,

I cried 22 hours a day for nine months,

Which I can't even imagine.

So think about the strain in a marriage.

Then you add,

Even if the baby's not colicky,

A baby adds stress to any marriage.

And then you add the crying thing on,

Which I can't even imagine.

And I think about way back when,

Again,

I don't doubt that my parents loved me,

But my mom was a stay at home mom with 22 hours of a crying baby and a husband.

She's married into this family of a very domineering Italian New York family.

So she was under constant stress.

And of course,

Babies pick up on everything in their environment.

We are little sponges.

So think about,

Again,

What were you picking up on when you were a child?

So I grew up with parents that were really preoccupied with their own stuff.

They had a lot of stuff going on.

And I realized growing up,

I was leaning on people that were not emotionally available for me.

So again,

I've asked my mom these questions.

Did you ever leave me in the crib?

Yes.

I had to for my own sanity,

Which I have to say,

As an adult,

I look back,

I've had two kids I know I can only imagine.

Nobody wanted to babysit me.

I cried all the time.

So there was definitely some leaving me there in the crib and not tending to me.

But also she had a lot of stress with my dad's identical twin brother,

Not just a brother,

Identical twin brother,

Which he had a drinking problem,

Tons of anger issues and did not like my mother.

In fact,

Would really be verbally and emotionally abusive with my mom and nobody ever stopped it.

So she felt helpless again.

So they were dealing with so much going on.

Here I am,

This little kid growing up in all of this mess really.

And my father always felt caught in the middle and he would do nothing because it was identical twin brother.

And he used to say he feels like,

You know,

They're half of each other and he could never speak up instead of boundary.

I remember when these outbursts would happen with my uncle toward my mom and nobody would stop it.

And I remember thinking inside of me when I'm little,

Like five,

Six,

Seven years old,

Like do something,

Like make this stop.

And nobody would.

My mother would have to leave because we all live together every summer at our lake house.

So my mother would have to get up from the table.

She'd be crying and nobody would tend to her.

And I remember my heart would ache and I'm thinking,

This is not right,

But nobody's doing anything.

I had,

You know,

My grandmother was there.

I had oftentimes my other aunt and uncle were there,

But nobody stopped my uncle.

He was truly just verbally abusive toward many people,

But specifically my mom.

So for me as this little kid,

I'm seeing my mom get up and I'm so sad and nobody's tending to her.

So I kind of felt,

I didn't kind of,

I really felt unsafe because nobody was helping me.

Nobody's taking care of my mom and nobody is stopping the chaos.

So if you grew up with somebody that was abusive in any way or abusing a substance or anything and nobody's stopping it for a little kid,

It's so unsafe,

So unsafe.

So emotionally speaking,

I had a lot of worry,

Of course,

For my mom and I was not allowed to be a kid again,

Emotionally speaking.

I just did not,

I of course was doing kid things,

But was very,

Very worried about my mother all the time.

It was a constant from the time I was a little kid.

I remember the first time caretaking her was,

I remember being six years old and going back when she was crying and I was like touching her forehead,

Like don't cry mommy.

And she was crying.

And again,

My uncle had verbally abused her and nobody stopped it.

So think back,

If you had something like this,

This could have led to your own codependency.

So,

My role became someone that was responsible to keep everyone safe in the house.

I had a lot of buildup anger inside that this was my role and no one would stop my uncle.

So I was very angry inside,

But also felt all this responsibility to make sure my mom was okay and make sure my dad was okay.

I wanted to make sure my uncle was not too close to my mom.

There's all of this kind of thing.

So as I grew up,

My habits,

And I have that in quotes,

Habits of taking care of things and keeping the peace became my way of living.

It in fact became my identity.

It's just who I identified myself as is the fixer or the caretaker of everybody and making sure there's peace in the house.

I always made sure everyone was okay and taking care of,

I became very hyper vigilant,

Which means I'd walk in the house and I knew where everybody was and what the emotional status I would say of the house is like what was happening in the house.

Was there upsetness?

Was there happiness?

Was there peace?

So I lived on high alert basically all the time.

It was just who I was.

It was my role and identity in the world.

So again,

Think back to your own life.

Was there someone in your family that was acting in an unhealthy way,

Any unhealthy way?

Were there boundaries around that person or were you meant to sweep that up and take care of it or even sweep it under the carpet?

Who kept you safe growing up?

Were you kept safe?

That's the question.

So this type of childhood sets us up for codependency.

That previous podcast I did way back when,

The title of the podcast really says it all.

It's I am okay if you're okay.

So it can be boiled down to that statement.

In other words,

If someone in your life is not okay,

We feel on the inside very,

Very unsettled.

Now again,

As a mom,

When my son is hurting when he was a child or even as an adult,

My older son just broke up with his girlfriend and I know he was very upset about that and I tuned into that with him and I was like,

Oh,

I feel so bad.

But the difference now is that I don't extend myself out to fix his pain.

That's classic codependency.

We feel like we have to fix other people's emotional pain or problems.

So now I noticed again,

It was a great mirror for me to sit with my son and say,

Gosh,

I know you're so upset.

And he really loved his girlfriend and I sat with him in that and did not fix a thing because there's nothing to be fixed.

But for codependence,

We feel like we have to fix other people's pain and we feel very uncomfortable until that other person is settled.

I lived many,

Many years like that.

So just see if you can identify with any of these things.

These are just signs of codependency.

And again,

It's okay if you're identifying,

I'm going to give you some tools on how to get out of this.

So just about a week ago,

I was working with a 49 year old client and she was talking about how difficult it's going to be for her to even think about moving out of her house because she'd moved back in with her parents and how responsible she feels for her mother and her mother's emotional pain and her mother's depression and grief.

And she's been caretaking her mother's emotions her whole entire life.

And she was someone that I actually said,

Wow,

This sounds a little bit like codependency to me or a lot like it.

And she said,

Really?

I said,

Yes,

It does.

She says,

Well,

It's my responsibility.

I'm her daughter.

And I said,

How old is your mother again?

She said something like my mother is 75,

Something 70 something.

And I said,

I think your mother has a really good idea of how to take care of herself at that age.

And it was really,

Wow,

Really?

And I said,

Yes,

I really believe your mother is able to take care of herself and that's not something that you need to do anymore.

And then I asked her,

Have you been helping your mother?

Has her emotional pain or depression gotten any better after all of these years with you helping her?

And she paused for a while and she said,

Well,

It temporarily makes her feel good when I listened to her and with her and her pain.

And I said,

And does it last?

And she says,

No,

I guess it doesn't.

I said,

Well,

Does it?

And she said,

No,

It doesn't.

I said,

Your mom probably goes back to her norm or her baseline,

Which is depressed and in grief and in pain.

And then she suffers all over again.

And then her daughter feels responsible to go up and quote unquote,

Fix that pain,

Which doesn't last.

That's the thing.

When we as humans are ready to heal,

We will step inside of ourselves and do what it takes in order to heal.

Other people can not heal us.

It is a bandaid.

It's always going to be temporary.

If someone makes outside of you makes you feel better,

It's temporary.

Their words land on us and it might feel good in the moment,

But it doesn't last.

You've got to go deep inside and do your own personal work.

So it's a never ending cycle.

Only we can heal ourselves.

We have to dig down and go inside to heal our own stuff.

I really feel like therapy and inner child work or group work,

Something else or something like that is so beneficial for us,

But we have to be willing.

Again,

The key is to go inside and get real with yourself.

Only then can you change and shift,

Grow,

Heal and transform.

I have other clients that have siblings that have beat them up throughout their childhood and the parents stood by and laughed or watched or did nothing.

These kids also had to learn to be quiet and hypervigilant in the house and change who they were to become safe.

They had to be the good girl again or the good boy,

Stay out of their siblings way,

Try to make friends with their sibling.

In other words,

Change who they were because they were bullied their whole lives by their siblings.

They were always hoping that somehow they would have a boundary set so they could be kept safe,

But it didn't happen.

So they had to learn to extend their energy and awareness outside of themselves to be kept safe.

Again,

What we do is we push our energy outside of ourselves,

Out into the home and we find the people that are abusing us or that are abusive in the household.

We do our best to really manipulate them or do what we can to change ourselves in order for us to feel safe.

It's a never ending game that we play.

These kids,

At least my clients that grew up like this have really some deep co-dependency.

They don't know who they are.

They were,

Their childhoods were taken away because they lived in fear most of their lives when they were little kids in this house.

Nobody protected them and they had to learn to extend outside of themselves to make sure everything was okay outside instead of inside.

So they lost that connection inside and set up the habit of extending outside.

So regardless of your history,

I have some signs for you of co-dependency based on Melody Beaty's work of anyone that is co-dependent.

So here we go.

I have 10 signs and there are so many,

But these are the ones that we really hear so much about.

Number one,

We feel responsible for other people's feelings,

Needs,

Choices,

And wellbeing.

Again,

We extend and feel responsible for other people and what's going on with them emotionally,

Needs,

Choices.

We feel anxiety.

Number two,

We feel anxiety and need to help or fix when someone has a problem.

We have anxiety.

Again,

If someone presents a need or needing help,

We get so anxious inside.

That's a clear sign of co-dependency.

Number three,

We feel upset that no one helps us the way that we help others.

Right?

We think like,

What about me,

When someone going to take care of me?

I'm always helping everyone else.

Why does nobody come to my aid?

Right?

Number four,

We say yes when we mean no and everyone knows what that means.

We betray ourselves when we do that.

Number five,

We please others before ourselves.

We want to make sure again,

Someone outside of me is okay before myself.

Number six,

We feel overwhelmed when we are receiving and we feel better when we're giving.

So we're not great at taking energy in.

Our heart chakra is closed to that.

It's like,

No,

No,

I don't deserve that.

I'm not worthy of receiving.

I got to extend my energy out.

That's just a habit.

I really believe this is a habit or a pattern that we get into.

We feel bored without a crisis.

I'm sorry,

But when we grew up with a crisis,

Like I grew up with so much drama in my house,

When I got married,

I didn't know what to do without all the drama and crisis.

So I started unconsciously creating it.

We do this.

And if we don't have the drama or the crisis,

We feel bored.

We intuitively,

Number eight,

Are attracted to needy people.

It's sort of like we have a radar and we just find these people that need us because again,

When we're fixing someone outside of ourselves and taking care of their needs,

We feel filled up because it's our identity.

It's just what I do.

It's who I am.

So if I'm not fixing someone,

I don't know who I am.

So we're attracted to needy people.

Number nine,

We cannot focus if we feel someone is upset with us or if we feel someone is upset in general.

So knowing that someone might be upset with me,

If I'm codependent,

I just can't even function.

I can't function until I fix that problem.

Or if someone is just upset,

We have a very difficult time,

We start getting anxious again.

Number 10,

We stay in relationships that don't work.

We stay in very unhealthy relationships.

I think about that client,

That 49-year-old client I just told you about.

She's in this relationship with her mother and I'm not saying not to be in a relationship with her mother.

What I'm saying is we're in these very,

Very unhealthy relationships that aren't working.

We have to change the relationship.

So I have some truths from the adult chair.

These are Michelle's truths on healing and transforming codependency.

There are,

Let me see,

How many did I write down for you guys?

I have a whole bunch.

I have 12,

13.

Excuse me.

I have 13 truths from the adult chair on how we transform codependency.

Here we go.

Anything can be changed,

Transformed,

And or healed.

I firmly believe that we are energetic beings and energy is always in motion and our mind is what keeps us stuck.

So we're not stuck,

But anything can be healed or changed.

So if you're having this feeling like,

Oh my God,

I'm stuck forever.

This is,

I'm never going to be able to change.

It's not true.

It's not true.

Trust me.

It's not true.

I have just transformed my way through codependency and if I can do it,

Anybody can do it.

That's for sure.

And I've seen many other people do the same.

Okay.

Number two,

Find and work with your inner child or your lost inner child.

This is really,

Really key,

I feel like for codependency because with codependency,

We don't know what we're feeling.

We don't know what our emotions are.

We're more extending out to other people's emotions first and may not even check in with ourselves at all.

We kind of feel empty.

So we really want to build.

And again,

If we're like me,

I'm taking care of my mom when I'm six,

That little inner child,

It gets buried,

It gets cast away,

It gets lost in the woods,

Whatever you want to call it.

We need to go find that inner part of us.

It really holds the keys to so much of our healing,

Not just with codependency,

But with so many different things that inner child is key.

We really want to do work with the inner child.

I in fact have a free downloadable inner child resource on my website.

Again,

Go to michellechelfund.

Com or go to theadultchair.

Com and hit the homepage.

It's right there.

I've got two beautiful meditations to help number one,

Access the inner child and number two,

To work with the codependent child and journaling prompts that help you go deeper and connect with your child.

It's totally free.

You can go and check it out right there.

Many of us feel loss,

Hurt or anger,

And we need to access these feelings in order to heal it because most of the time we're not even in touch with them.

Number three,

Join a group.

Group process is oftentimes key to our healing because other people serve as a mirror for us.

I don't care if it's a codependency group,

An experiential group,

Psychodrama group,

Whatever.

Go get in a group and do some work with and for yourself with this codependency.

It's really powerful to hear other people that might be walking the same journey as you are and having the same journey as you at this point.

So it's powerful.

Number four,

Find a therapist or a coach.

They have very specific codependency coaches.

They have therapists that specialize in this or they just have really good therapists or coaches out there that are generalized,

But they're very good with working with codependency.

But I would absolutely find out how proficient their knowledge is with codependency before you hire them.

That is by the way,

Not a question that you should feel embarrassed by when you're calling and looking for someone to work with you.

Ask them what their knowledge is.

Ask them what their training is.

That's perfectly healthy and normal.

Ask them how much knowledge they have.

Ask them what their results are.

It's fine to do that with a therapist or a coach,

Any kind of practitioner actually.

Number five,

Invite your friends or loved ones to help you see when you are in your codependency.

So you can find a friend,

Even if it's just one person that you can reach out to,

To help you find what a healthy reality looks like.

Because when we're children,

Our reality can get kind of messed up and we need to find someone that can help us find clarity.

So I know I have someone in my life.

I have a couple of people,

Thank God,

Because I've got somebody.

And when I was working through my codependency,

Actually I had asked a group of my friends,

Just a handful of friends,

I said,

Can you tell me what I'm doing this?

Because I don't even know,

Because it's such a part of my life.

And even my kids,

My kids would say,

Mom,

This is codependent.

I'm like,

I think it's caring.

They're like,

No,

It's kind of fun.

I was like,

Okay,

So I made light of it.

This is again,

I was not like,

Oh my God,

Like a scarlet letter A on my shirt forever.

This is just something I was working through.

It was part of my journey.

And it would be beautiful for me to have some friendships that I could call and say,

Hey,

This is what just happened.

Can you tell me,

Was that a codependent move?

And they'd say,

Yes,

It is,

Or no,

It wasn't.

You did good.

So,

Okay.

So,

Call someone that's not codependent,

That's healthy when it comes to that,

And have them be your adult.

This is about calling someone that can really be a healthy adult for you and show you and mirror for you what it is that's going on with whatever situation that you're dealing with.

Okay?

Number six,

Get comfortable with your pain and emotions.

This is what drives us to fix or help another.

Remember,

Know what's driving or pushing you.

We have to get comfortable with our own emotions.

It's key.

We really,

Really have to get comfortable.

And so many of us are not comfortable with our emotions.

So this goes back again to that inner child work.

When we do that inner child work,

We really get in touch with those emotions.

I believe that codependency is an addiction.

It is an addiction.

We don't know what's going on.

Let's think about just an addiction.

We don't know what's going on inside of us.

We don't know what our emotions are,

But they don't feel good.

And when I'm extending outside of myself,

Whether it be drinking a beer,

Using sex,

Porn,

Drugs,

Whatever it is,

Or codependency,

It's covering up what I feel inside my own inner pain.

At the root of a codependent person is so much emotional pain.

We were not taken care of in a healthy way as children.

We might feel like we don't matter.

We might feel helpless or hopeless or invisible.

All of these emotions are deep inside of us.

So instead of feeling those emotions,

And that's key,

Getting comfortable with this pain and emotions,

We extend outside of ourselves and use someone else to mask our pain.

It's an addiction.

It's just like someone that is an alcoholic that reaches for a beer.

We reach for fixing someone else or helping someone else.

We need to not reach for that other person to fix and sit inside.

And when we sit in that uncomfortable feeling,

This is number seven,

Sitting in our uncomfortableness,

We actually are in withdrawal.

It's just like not drinking the beer if we're an alcoholic,

We are then sitting in the withdrawal symptoms which are not pretty and can be very,

Very uncomfortable.

But when we sit in that withdrawal,

Healing occurs.

We got to sit in those emotions,

The pain,

The invisible feeling,

The I don't matter feelings.

That's our healing.

Once we learn to sit in those emotions of that inner child,

By the way,

We become familiar with these emotions.

They do not scare us and we do not need to then extend outside of ourselves to fix anyone else.

And we are then able to stay more connected to ourselves.

Number eight,

We have to learn about boundaries and where ours are.

With codependence,

We are typically enmeshed and have blended boundaries.

So enmeshed means we don't know where we start and stop.

Where do I begin and where do I end?

We take our energy fields and blanket them over other people and we feel like they are us and we are them.

That is not healthy.

I use the word the word blobbing.

How's that for a technical therapy coaching term?

It's my own term I made up and it's like we blob onto other people.

I just think about energy when it moves over to someone else.

It's like a big blob of energy.

I remember when I used to do a lot of groups in my office and I did one group and there was some people in there that were codependent and if someone was crying,

I would watch these people in my group and I could feel their energy oozing to the other side of the room and I'd say,

Stop blobbing.

You're blobbing.

Feel your,

Where are you?

You're moving over to be with this other woman that's crying.

It's okay if she's crying.

Let her cry and feel what's coming up within you as she's crying.

It was powerful.

And of course we would laugh.

Again,

This does not have to be something where you're beating up on yourself.

It's codependency.

We are learning about it and we are all going to move through this.

It's okay.

So anyway,

In my group we would have a giggle because I would say,

You're blobbing.

Stay over there where you are.

And they would say how hard it is.

I'm like,

Yes,

But this is how we're healing this codependency.

And they did amazing in this group.

These women were absolutely amazing how they did not blob as much by the end of our group.

They really learned how to stay where they were.

So it's learning where do I stop and where do I start?

As far as my energy field,

We don't want to be in other people's energy fields and we don't want to pull them in ours.

So keep to yourself,

Know where you stop and start.

Okay.

In addition to that,

To help us to stay put,

We need to do some grounding work.

It really helps with setting boundaries because once we learn where I stop and my start,

Then I'll learn if someone's in my field and then I can say,

Hey,

Stop it.

So the first part again is knowing where I start and stop.

The second part is if I can ground myself,

I start learning more about who I am.

So there's some beautiful grounding meditations all over the website,

All excuse me,

All over the web.

And if you'd like one,

I think I have a few of them even on my iTunes,

Excuse me,

YouTube channel or on the website.

But grounding,

Taking your energy and grounding it into the present moment.

It helps you to learn who you are and where you are in the world.

Number 10,

Mindfulness is essential to heal codependency.

Where am I focusing on right now and am I losing myself?

It's key.

If I'm in the moment,

I'm going to notice that I'm extending out to someone else and leaving myself.

So when I am mindful,

I'm going to notice this and as uncomfortable as it might be not to extend out and fix someone else or quote unquote help someone else.

I'm going to stay present with myself and stay connected to myself.

Number 11,

Many times,

Oftentimes when we grow up as codependence or have these issues in childhood and then we become codependent,

We have low self-esteem.

So raising self-esteem is number 11.

If you want to hear a podcast about this,

I explain how to raise your self-esteem.

It's podcast number 84.

Again,

You can access all these podcasts at theadultchair.

Com.

There's a search bar at theadultchair.

Com and just type in raising self-esteem or just self-esteem and every self-esteem podcast will pop up.

In fact,

Anything you want to hear will pop up.

Just put in the tagline or the word that you want to learn about and it's right there.

But in number 84,

Raising self-esteem,

I explained how you raise the self-esteem.

Also another podcast that I did that's really important when we're working with codependency is number 27.

Podcast number 27 is Who Are You?

And Self-Validation and Projection.

We have to learn about self-validation and when we are projecting.

This is key.

So listen to those two,

Number 84 and 27.

You'll learn again a lot more about building yourself up,

Which is what we need to do with codependency.

Okay.

Number 12,

No more egg shells.

No more egg shells.

And what I mean by this is when we grow up in households where there is dysfunction,

We learn to walk on egg shells,

Right?

We don't want to cause any upsetness in the house.

So we learn to walk with that uneasiness in the house that we grew up.

And oftentimes when we get married,

We do the same darn thing all over again.

For me,

There were many years,

I think I've talked about this before,

My husband on Sunday would wake up with what we termed Sunday stress.

It was like this cloud of stress would settle in on Sunday morning and we knew to steer clear of him that day as he would be short tempered and controlling.

And me and my codependency would stay clear of him and walk on egg shells.

I'd clean the house.

I'd try to do things to make his Sunday stress quote unquote go away.

But again,

Like I said a little bit earlier,

We can't change anyone.

I don't care how clean the house is,

How well mannered the kids are.

It doesn't matter.

He would still have Sunday stress.

And it took me a few years to realize this,

Of course,

In my own healing of my codependency.

And I would say to him,

Oh my gosh,

What can I do?

Nothing.

I've got Sunday stress.

I've got a big week,

But it was every single Sunday.

Even my little kids would say,

Daddy's Sunday stress.

I'm like,

Yes he is.

Until one day I stopped participating in Sunday stress.

As I did my own healing,

I realized,

Excuse me,

But this is bullshit that I am walking on egg shells in my house.

Why am I doing this?

It's my house too.

I should not be walking on egg shells.

And I just had that awareness.

I will not participate in Sunday stress.

So think about your own life.

What do you need to say to yourself that you will not participate in anymore?

Starting today.

Just think about that.

What do you need to not participate in?

So when I decided I'm not going to participate in Sunday stress,

Again,

If he's got stress,

That's fine.

But I am not going to be affected by it and get my own stress because he's got Sunday stress.

That's codependency.

So it was definitely a gradual process.

But eventually the more I built my inner self up,

I was able to set boundaries and my self esteem increased and I had a new identity.

And the identity of caretaking people around me,

Which is from my childhood,

Started to fade away and I stepped into really strong empowered Michelle.

So I was thinking about this when I was getting ready to do this show.

I'm like,

I don't even know if he has Sunday stress anymore because I don't participate in it.

It just doesn't affect me.

I wouldn't even know.

It's so ironic.

Not that I'm a cold hearted person by any means.

It's just my personality and my codependency does not kick in to take care of him or anyone.

I don't care anymore if they are emotionally off or in stress unless they ask for my help.

That is key.

It's not that when we heal this codependency that we're cold people and I've had people say that to me.

They think,

Well,

I'm a cold person if I don't help so and so.

It's like,

No,

You're not a cold person.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

You're not losing yourself and you're not betraying yourself and you're not losing your identity anymore.

If someone else around you is not or isn't a stressful place or is using or something like that,

We learn now to set boundaries.

If someone is off,

Then I will ask them,

Is there anything I can do for you?

I'm here for you.

Period.

Because I can't fix anybody as much as most of my life I thought I could.

I cannot fix anybody,

But I can be here for them and be a great listener.

That's it.

Ultimately,

Even with us,

If we're going to heal our codependency,

I've got to make the decision to do these things that I'm sharing with you today in order to heal myself and transform this.

No one outside of me did this work but me.

So if my husband's going to have Sunday stress and he wants to not affect the family the way he is affecting the family,

It's his job to fix that and heal that,

Not mine.

There's nothing I could say or do in order to fix that for him.

It's his job.

If you're living with someone that's a drinker,

That's addicted to anything,

That's acting in an abusive way,

You will never ever be able to fix it.

You cannot fix it.

But you have to take care of yourself and stay connected to you.

Find your voice,

Find your boundaries,

And then decide what you're going to do about it from there.

Number 13,

Let the world mirror your progress.

The world and people in the world serve as our mirror.

They are our mirror.

In other words,

They show us where we are on our own life journey.

Let me explain.

About a month ago,

My husband came to me and said how hurt he was that I did not check in with him when he was really off one day,

Emotionally off.

And I remember when he came up to me and he said to me,

We need to talk.

This is how it went down.

He came up to me and said,

We need to talk.

And again,

When someone says that,

Hey,

We need to talk,

It could throw any of us in our adolescent chair because we get scared,

You know,

And that's the seat of the survivor and fear sits there.

So it's like,

Whoa,

Or we might feel defensive or the child chair feels scared.

So all these parts of us are activated.

But what I realized was it was so cool is I stayed present with myself and I was totally stable.

I was centered and connected to myself.

And I thought,

Oh my God,

I'm in the adult chair.

This is crazy.

So when he did ask me that,

I was like,

Wow,

I'm just going to stay present.

I put my feet on the ground.

I let the energy come up through my feet.

I grounded.

We sat together and he let me know he was hurt,

That I did not listen to this.

I did not check in with him the day before and that he was in a terrible mood and he felt awful.

And he said he felt abandoned.

So just on a side note,

My husband and I have done the codependent dance for years.

So I sat there as he said that and I witnessed what he was saying.

And I thought to myself,

I'm really present with what he's saying,

But I didn't let it land in a way that it affected me from a codependent place because what I realized is I didn't even apologize because I didn't realize I didn't do anything wrong.

I worked the whole day that he was talking about.

I barely saw him.

I did not know he was off.

And what he mirrored for me was number one,

How stable I was in that moment and how connected to myself I was and how much of my codependency I've moved beyond.

It was amazing.

So I sat there and I thought,

You know what?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't even know.

It's his job as another adult to come to me and say,

Hey,

Especially if I miss it,

And I really did,

I worked all day.

I'm really in a bad place.

Could we talk for a minute because I'm feeling abandoned by you.

I would be more than happy to talk to him.

But it wasn't my job to extend out to him and fix him,

Which is what I would have done in the past.

So such a testament.

So use the universe and everyone in here as your mirror of where you are on your journey.

It's other people's job to let you know that they need help and they need to have a conversation and that they're not feeling well.

It's not our job to be on high alert and sort for everyone that's emotionally off and not doing well.

It's not your job.

That's codependency identity.

So stop that.

Okay.

So I'm not saying this to throw my husband under the bus by any means.

I'm just sharing this story.

He knows I share stories about him.

I just really want you guys to understand what codependency is,

What it looks like.

Maybe if you have some of these traits of codependency and how you can move your way through it.

I'm in no way saying I'm a better person than him.

He and I have done this dance.

He's working on his own codependency and I'm working on mine.

So I hope this gives you some raised awareness about codependency.

And I'm going to leave you with some words from Melody Beatty,

Whom I love.

She's the amazing woman that brought codependency to light in the 1980s.

Her words resonated so deeply with me as they are how we learn to live from the adult chair with codependency.

This is an excerpt from her blog.

There is no shame in being codependent.

It's from October 25th,

2016.

She says this,

Speaking of codependency,

It means we are now consciously considering the motivations of our decisions.

For many of us,

It means that instead of making our choices solely to please others or to try to control them,

We're considering all of our options.

And finally,

For many of us,

Understanding the impact of our decisions and behaviors on ourselves.

We learned that we matter too.

So beautiful.

It's just about raising consciousness and that we have choices and we have options and that we matter.

This is living from the adult chair and she said it so beautifully.

So okay,

Everybody,

I've got,

Of course,

A great book for you.

So hold on.

But I do want to say again,

If you're interested in joining us for the 30 day journaling challenge,

This will be beautiful for you if you're dealing with codependency or anything,

Because it helps you to get closer and more connected with yourself.

So go to www.

Theadultchair.

Com forward slash journal and go sign up there.

I have enjoyed this conversation today and I am Michelle Schelfont and I look forward to seeing you right here next week seated firmly in the adult chair.

Have a great week everybody and stay tuned for our Audible book.

For listeners of the adult chair,

Audible is offering a free audio book download of your choice with a free,

I love free 30 day trial to give you the opportunity to check out the service.

Today of course,

Of course,

I'm recommending Melody Beatty's book,

Codependent No More.

It's one of the greatest books on codependency.

So start with that one.

If you've already read that or heard that book,

She's got many others in Audible.

So go get one of her books on codependency.

She's got the new codependency,

Beyond Codependency.

They're all good.

But if you don't have any of her books,

Start out with Codependent No More,

How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

And it's free.

If you go to audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair,

You will get it for free.

And you know how much I love free.

Okay everybody.

I'll see you next week.

Reviews

The best podcast, oh my goodness, thank you Michelle. I am amazed by your knowledge. Thank you.

Wow this was fantastic! Just what I needed. I have been reading Co-Dependent No More and this helped me understand it more. Michelle is an excellent speaker but still comes across as warm and friendly. Going to find more of her Adult Chair podcasts!

i too had three older siblings, two of which were physically and emotionally abusive. the other day back and did nothing to stop the abu. he apologized about ten years ago saying, i knew they were abusing you and i did nothing to stop it and i’m sorry. i would tell my alcoholic mom but it fell on deaf ears. and my dad would intervene but the abusive sibling would say to me, dad can’t be around all the time to keep you safe. i too was hyper vigilant and still can be on certain situations.
at age 66 i’m still growing and learning. your podcast was very enlightening and positive. thanks 🕊🕯🕊🕯🕊

So interesting! Thank you, my eyes will never see things in the same way again🙏

Very insightful to learn of these traits—thank you!

Yep! So it is! Thank you!!
I know I already did a good recovery job with that when listening to you and recognising my old behaviour!🙏😍

Thanks for posting your podcast episode. I can't wait to check out other episodes.

Really great information. A lot of it hit home.
Nice to hear some solutions to the problem in addition to just being a checklist of symptoms. Makes the disorder feel a little more conquerable.

So insightful. As I sit here, I feel exposed, vulnerable, validated, tentative, understood, and hopeful simultaneously. It's as if I am standing in the path of a tsunami I've been both wanting and fearing, and only strengthening its force through my attempts at avoiding it. So much else to process and to do in light of sitting with this and permitting it to take root.

Wow this was so insightful. Thank you for all of the great advice and clarity.

Wow!! 46 & just opening my eyes with Inner Child & Shadow work & beginning to wonder if I am Codependent & I stumble across your amazing Talk. I do everyone of these things & have had a life changing realisation that I am so ready to work through. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart! 🙏♥️

This was so helpful. Thank you. It helped me to understand myself and gave me hope to see this change

So wise and hopeful. Thank you!

Really great. Thank you.

OMG, I’m a co-dependent! Who knew?! This explains so much. . . THANK YOU!

Perfect...thank you...

Great podcast. Need to listen to again and take notes. Thank you for great insight. I can change my habits. Doing the work a d found myself in my adult chair a couple times this week and no negative voice for the first time in my life ever. I am going to be the healthiest version of me I can be on every possible level. Slow and steady with lots of self love and compassion.💜💜💜💜

Gave me so much insight on codependency and its role in my life. This is the first Adult Chair podcast I’ve listened to and I am now going to check out all the others! Thank you for this beautiful talk. Sending you love and light!

Wow! This was a real eye-opener for me... I knew I was a 'fixer' but never understood why. I've worked hard to move away from it but still have so much further to go. Thank you for the vast amount of information and advice on how to move forward, I will listen to this again and start working on my child... You are amazing Michelle! Thanks for your insight and awesomeness 💜x

Amazing podcast! Completely opened my eyes. Thank you so much.