526: Empty Nest, New Chapter

In this episode, I’m talking about empty nest syndrome and what it really feels like when one or more of your children leave the nest.

So many people talk about this season of life, but nothing can fully prepare you for the grief, quiet, sadness, and identity shift that can come when your child moves out, goes to college, or begins building a life outside your home.

Transcript

Hello, Hello and welcome everyone to the adult share podcast. I am Michelle shell fund. Happy to be here with you today. Can you believe we are in September? Like absolutely in shock. I feel like I blinked and I was in may at my nephew's graduation. And I blinked again and here we are. With Labor Day happening in days away. What happened? I don't even know how that happened. But here we are, And I hope you all had a really wonderful summer, And you are ready for, Gosh, The fall, Which is crazy to even be talking about already. Ooh, I've got a topic for you today that I wish someone had sat me down way back when. And help me navigate this journey. That actually is a there's a thing there's a name for it it's called Empty Nest Syndrome. It's actually a thing. And what I realized when I went through it, And I've talked to, Since I went through it, So many friends, Family, You know, People that I work with online, Nobody quite prepares us for this. And even if they try, It's still the worst feeling ever when we send one of our babies, Our baby birds out of the nest into the big giant world and it can feel heartbreaking for us. So today I'm sharing with you some ways to navigate this and I'm hoping that by the end you'll be able to step further into your power and know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel that we call the empty nest syndrome. Because I got to tell you, For me, It felt like the pain would never end. And it does end. And there's actually a big giant light at the end of the tunnel. So I've got some ways to navigate this time for you. And I actually took notes on this because I didn't want to miss any step. And I sat with us before, You know, When I thought about this, Because I have a lot of people that write in about various topics that they want to hear me talk about. And this was one that kept coming up over and over and over again. And I said, OK, Let me really sit with this. I'm going to sit with the journey again that I've gone through and I've led others through and how we can navigate this from our adult chair. We can navigate it. But when you navigate it from your adult chair, It's the healthiest way to do it. It's it's it's it's an easier way to do it. It's an empowered way to do it. So what is empty nest syndrome? Let's just start with this topic. Like what the heck is it? Empty nest is when one or more of your children leave the nest. It is. A feeling that comes over us as parents that, Again, People may talk about, People may write about, But nobody can quite prepare you for what that feels like. Because it feels as though we're going to be lost in grief forever. And we're not. I can tell you, We truly are not. But it is something that we're definitely going to experience. So that's number one. What we want to do is as we experience the pain, The grief, The sadness, You want to allow yourself to feel it. And you knew I was going to say that. That's one of our pillars in the adult chair. And we're not great at this. We want to instead numb out, Avoid it. We don't want to go there. We want to mentally do other things or find other ways to avoid it. But here's the thing. When one of our children, It could be one or all, And I gotta tell you, It was very different for me when my older son left for school. It was really weird. It was weirdly quiet in the house. But when they both left for school, It was excruciatingly painful because it was so unbelievably quiet. I couldn't handle it. I was like, Oh my gosh, Like I kept waiting for them to come out of their bedrooms and all the things. So you're going to go through this. And I tried to, I remember when my sister went through this, When her first child went to, Went to college and, And my cousins and my friends are like, Yeah, This is how it's going to be. And they were like, Lord, Nothing can, Can prepare us for this. Like it was hard and it is, But it's something that we need to go through. It's actually really healthy to go through grief. So how do we navigate grief? Well, When we're in our adult chair, We don't avoid it. Okay, We might journal it, Cry it out. We might go for long walks. We might get with a friend and just share how we're feeling. But we want it to process through us. It is an emotion. And grief, As I've always said, Is one of the trickiest emotions because it just doesn't pass through and it's done. Every time you're going to think about your child, It's going to come back again. And it's OK. Let it rotate through you. When emotions get stuck. It is because we are in a story. So let the pain and the grief move through without going into the dialogue in the head like, Oh my gosh, My life will never be the same. How am I going to move on? This is the worst thing ever. We want to just feel the grief and say, Gosh, I'm so sad. This is really, Really hard. So feel it, Feel it, Feel it, Feel it is my recommendation. Because what happens with our emotions is they actually move through us. They're an energy that move through and will metabolize through us exactly like eating food. Same kind of thing. It moves through and out of the energy field. So please feel the grief. Allow it to be there. Do not numb it. Do not try to suppress it. Because the more we step into the grief and allow it to move through, Again, When we go through this whole empty nest process, It's a process. And step one is grieving. So go through step one and know it might come back and forth, But you do wanna go through step one and allow those feelings to be there. Okay, Number two. We want to validate ourselves. So please validate yourself on what a good job you did. Now, I want to tell you, I'm not suggesting that you say you did the most perfect job ever, Because I don't know of anyone that does, But can you validate yourself on the fact that you did a really good job? You did your best. I really tried hard. I tried to help my child, You know, Do the best that they could be. I tried to be my best, The best self I could be as they were under my roof for the last 18 years. Validate yourself. You raised a great human being, You sacrificed, You worried, You showed up, You gave them meals, Food and lodging, You know, We did all of these things. We navigated as best we could and we need to celebrate that. Don't focus on the things that you didn't do well or that you wish you that you could have done better because that's in the past. You can't do anything about the past. Cannot change it. But we do really want to acknowledge that we did a good job. We did a good job. If your child is moving out of the house, Whether they're going to college or moving to their own apartment or whatever the heck they're doing, They're leaving the nest. They did it because they made it through your household. So please validate yourself for that. Okay, Number three, Trust them. This is huge. And I can't tell you the number of parents that have talked to me about how in the world am I supposed to trust that they're not going to make a mistake or that they're not going to fall flat on their face or that they're not going to need me. And it's like, They will. They will fall flat on their face, Maybe, Maybe not. They will make mistakes, Maybe, Maybe not. And it's all part of being human. I think we have to remember as parents that we're raising humans and humans are meant to make mistakes, Big mistakes sometimes. And we also learn how to self-correct. So if we're always in the way in saving our children and fixing all of their problems, They're not learning how to do it for themselves. So hopefully along the way, You've let them fall on their face and make mistakes and you help them by sharing with them ideas on how to move through when they make the mistakes, Right? So we want to trust that they're going to get it right and that they're going to figure it out. That is a big statement to remember. You got to trust that your kid's going to figure it out. One of my friends was sharing with me that her son, He's in college. News of Freshman. And he'd gotten a. . . Not a speeding ticket, A parking ticket. He parked his car in the wrong place and he got a ticket. And he came home and he said, Mom, What am I supposed to do with this? And she said, Well, You need to pay it because you parked in an illegal zone. And she said, And he goes, Well, How do I do that? And she said, You can figure that right out. It says right on the ticket where you pay. And you didn't pay it. And then he got a late fee and he was so ticked off. He said, Mom, I just got a late fee. Now there's a late fee on this. I just got this in the mail. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. She said, I guess you better pay it. That is the kind of thing that I'm talking about. Let your child feel the pain of paying the late fee. And allowing them to figure out how to pay it. Like, Read the instructions. This is how you do it. What are they gonna do when you're not around? What are they gonna do when they're off on their own? You gotta remember, Your child that is now leaving the nest needs to learn how to navigate life without you. That's a healthy human. And what I see far too often are parents, Someone just shared with me a term this morning. She said, Helicopter parents are a thing of the past. Parents are now bulldozing. And I said, What does that mean? She said, They're like overly involved in kids' lives. And I gotta tell you, That's not healthy for your child that you love so much. We want them to learn how to figure life out. Now again, It's not to say that you don't guide them. My friend said, Read the ticket. It will tell you where you need to pay. You probably scan a QR code. He says, Well, I don't know how to do this. And she said, Figure it out. It's right there on the ticket. She could have easily paid it. She could have easily harped on him and nagged him. She did not. The late fee came. He was ticked. Guess what? He paid it. He figured it out. We want to let our kids do things like this, Let them stumble and fall and stop saving them, Stop fixing them. Again, It's not to say we don't give them advice, But we don't want to do it for them. Trust that they will figure it out. Let them fail, Let them fall down so they can get back up again on their own. That feels, As you know, As a human, So empowering when we make a mistake or fall down to get back up on our own, Brush our knees off and keep moving forward. That is what helps us be resilient, Stronger, More empowered. And by the way, We learn to trust ourselves. We learn, Hey, I've got this. I can handle life on my own. Isn't that what you want for your child? Right? So we want to not rush in and save them and dig them out of their problems. And unless, Of course, It's a really giant one. Yes, They can lean on us. But overall, You got to do your best to try to let your kids figure it out on their own. Trust that they've got it and that you've done a good enough job for them to figure it out. Okay, Next one, Number four. I want to say this. Welcome to Act 3. I used to say this is your Act 2. It's like the second half of your life. But what I realize is this is actually our Act 3. Because the first act, Think about this. The first act goes from 0 to 20. You're a child, Adolescent, You go into high school, You're even going into college. As a parent, That's act one. You are learning so much, Probably more than ever in your whole life is act one, Where you get all your learning. And absorbing everything around you. Act two. Is when you then get into a serious relationship. You might be getting married. You're having the children. You're raising the children. You're taking the kids from the ages of zero to 18. Then they leave the nest. That's act two. That's like soccer games, Dance, Football games, All the things, Family vacations. You're making dinner for your family. All of those things. Act II. Act 3. Is when you are able to rediscover who you are. This is about, Wait a minute, This is a whole new part of my life that I don't know anything about. It's very, Very, Very different around instead of having the focus be around your family and actually. Now goes right toward you. So this is where wisdom finally catches up with freedom. And let me let the next one is actually wisdom. You know, Wisdom is an interesting topic. Nobody can teach us wisdom. It comes through living life. And I remember I had somebody that worked for me. And she'd said to me, Well, I'm really wise and she was in her 30s and I'm in my 50s. And I said, And I was being very polite about this, But I said, You are very wise for a 30 year old, But I got to tell you. I'm wiser and I don't mean that in any egotistical kind of way at all. I just am. I have gone through life longer than you. That's what gives us wisdom. When you live life. You can't buy wisdom and you can't, Again, You're very, As a 30 year old, You're wiser than you were when you were 20 or 10 or five. But wisdom is something that you can't buy and you can't teach. And that is what you have as your kids are leaving the nest. So look back on your life. And realize it's earned. Through marriage, Through your trials and tribulations, Through your own loss, Through parenting, Through forgiving, Through making your own mistakes, And then stepping and getting back up and moving on. That's wisdom. Think about that for a minute. What are you going to do now with this incredible wisdom that you have? Really think about all that you have learned and gained. Over the last X number of years of your entire life. However old you are, Go back to when you were born. Look at how different you are now than you were five years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago. Today, You're going to make very different decisions than you would when you were Even five years ago, I know I would. I wouldn't make the same choices. That's wisdom. And you've got it, Nobody can take that away from you, Okay? Number six, Rediscover yourself. Yeah, This is really important that we now take the focus off of our little baby birds that are flying out of the nest and redirect toward yourself. So how do we rediscover ourselves? You've got to shift your focus. Trust that little baby birds, They've got it. They're figuring it out. And put the focus back on you. You're not anymore the chauffeur, The caretaker. Who are you now? You know, And I realize. We take on these identities, You know, Even as mom or as dad or chauffeur. I'm a carpooler. I'm a volunteer. I'm all these things. Who are you now, Though, That your children have left? This is when you want to start looking into what might be fun for me. And I have asked so many moms this question probably over the last 20 years. And a lot of them will look at me and go, Gosh, I don't even know. Now, Some people know immediately, Like I'm ready to travel or I'm ready to go take that painting class I always wanted to take. What is it that might be fun for you? Yeah, Start small. Start very, Very small. Like, I'm going to go do yoga. I'm going to go take a meditation class. I'm going to go whatever, Take a gardening class. I'm going to plant a garden. I'm going to go travel. I'm going to take a foreign language class, Whatever it might be. What would be fun? It doesn't even mean you have to leave your house. You can do a lot of it now from Zoom and online. But what would be fun for you? What do you want to learn? You know, The people that tell me. I just don't know. I want you to know something. This is not about replacing your children because nothing can ever replace them, Of course. But this is time now to rediscover and become the person you were meant to be. Without the role of full-time parents. Right? There's a you in there that can only be found in Act Three, And it's time to tap into what that might be. If you don't know. It's time to get bored, Which is number seven. We're not great at that. We're not great at being bored. And boredom is where we get the downloads, Where we have the inspiration. This is where we're able to connect to something bigger than ourselves, And we actually get those hits, I call them. I remember going for a lot of walks by myself when my kids were starting to leave the nest. They were both in college at the same time. And I said, You know, I think it's time I start building a bigger company than just seeing clients one-on-one. I think I want to do something more than that. I think I want to do some live events. I think I'd like to do a membership. I think I'd like to do a podcast, Like all of this stuff. Started coming from boredom. Boredom is essential. And we fill our time with the phone. With emails, With social media, With television, With all the things, But going for a walk, You can have your phone on you, But just don't turn it on. Or leave it in your pocket in case you need it. Be quiet, Like don't listen to podcasts or music or talk on the phone. Just be with yourself. And it's, It's uncomfortable. That is an uncomfortable thing. When we're used to having a house full of children or one child, And all of a sudden you're all alone, It's uncomfortable. And something that we do from our adult chair is we learn how to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. So that was when I decided I'm gonna build a business. And just ideas started coming like, I love live events. I love doing live events. I do them on a regular basis now. Let me go do more of those. Let me go do this. Let me go do that. Let me write a book. All of these things came when I was in boredom. Yes, Because when you fill your day or your space with stuff. Whether it be doing too much, Busying yourself with fill in the blank, Whatever it might be, You're actually not allowing yourself to tap in. To your wisdom, Your intuition, Your higher self in human form, Spirit, Whatever you'd like to call it. It wants to guide you and give you some ideas, But you've got to get quiet. So you can hear what those ideas are. We call them downloads. What are you getting downloaded with? Like, I feel inspired to go do this today. These things happen. This is why things happen like this in the shower. People hear this in the shower and they go, How did that happen? Because you are doing nothing else. Your mind is open and the downloads come. So boredom is a wonderful thing to do. And to get into. During this time as well. So that's it, Those are my seven. It's like a seven stages that we go through when we are new to this empty nest syndrome. So I hope that you don't judge yourself and you're going to notice that new things are going to start coming to you. And please don't judge yourself for grieving. Please don't judge yourself for anything at all. You did a great job with your child. They're gone. They are in school. They are moving out. Celebrate you. It's time to refocus back on you. This will make this process much easier. It's not to say you're cutting those babies off, But do redirect the focus back on you and allow those motions to flow. All right, Everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. So fun being with you. I'll be chatting with you right here next week, Right here in the adult chair. Have a great week, Everyone.