524: The Keys To Self-Worth That Most People Miss

Today I’m talking about the power of self-validation and why it can truly change your life. Self-validation is the practice of noticing what you are doing, thinking, feeling, or needing, acknowledging it, and giving yourself the encouragement, kindness, and support you may have been looking for outside of yourself.
So many of us rely on external validation. We want praise, approval, recognition, or reassurance from others to feel good about who we are. And while it feels wonderful when someone gives us encouragement, it cannot be the foundation of our worth. That foundation has to come from within.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to the adult chair podcast. I am Michelle Chalfant here with you in my adult chair. Yeah, We're talking about today self-validation. It is powerful. There's huge power in validating self. It can honestly change your life. It does so many phenomenal things. It builds self-worth, Builds confidence. And I'm going to go through all these things with you today. What it is, Why we should be doing this, And then how to do it, Of course. Self-validation changes who you are inside out. So let's dive in and learn how to do this. So what I want to do today is start out with what is self-validation and why is it important? Okay, So self-validation is when we notice what we're doing or thinking. Our feeling, And we acknowledge it. We own it. And then we give ourselves a pat on the back about it. So think of self-validation as your best friend that loves you and cares about you and encourages you, What would that person say to you throughout the day? And how would they treat you throughout the day? Remember, Considering that they love you and care about you and they encourage you. How that person shows up and speaks to you internally is your self-validation. So self-validation is when we encourage ourselves, Give ourselves praise, And just become really our own best friend. It's so important when we are building self-worth, Self-esteem. Course, That trickles right into self-love. It also affects our confidence, Boundary setting, Just to name a few. These are building blocks for healthy adults. And yes, Also, A healthy adult that has healthy relationships. So if you want healthy relationships, Start out by self-validating. Yeah. It is unhealthy for us to rely on external validation. And a lot of us do this. We want to get that praise or the kudos from other people. That is an endless trap. You can't expect to get that outside of self. It's nice, You know, When someone outside of me goes, Hey, Nice job, Michelle. It's like the cherry on the sundae, But I'm building my own sundae. I'm putting scoops of ice cream and hot fudge sauce and mixed nuts, All of this kind of stuff I'm doing for myself. And then when someone gives me a, Hey, Nice job, Nice work, It's a cherry, It's a little sprinkles on my sundae, But I got to build the sundae myself. Here's the thing too, With external validation, What if we don't get enough of it? We're stuck in this negative spiral or this negative feeling of, Gosh, I just don't feel good enough, Or I'm not worthy enough, Or I need you to help build my self-esteem. We don't want to fall into that trap. We don't want to rely on others to build ourselves up and to build our wellbeing. So we want to take responsibility and do this for ourselves. When we rely on others, It's just, It's a never ending game of needing others to help us or to make us feel better about ourselves. Can't do that. We don't want to do that. We can easily, And I do emphasize the word easily, Do this for ourselves. And we do that with self-validation. Self-validation is the healthy way to feel good about self. So I just want to say. Self-validation can take many forms. And I just wanted to give you guys some ideas on what self-validation looks like. In a given day. Because yes, This is something you want to practice every single day. It takes such little effort. You just need to know what to do and when to do it and how to do it. And that's what I'm going to talk to you about right now. Okay. Again, Minimal energy it takes you guys. There's no reason why you can't start doing this like right now. Okay, Here we go. Number one. You want to become your best cheerleader. What I mean by that is when you do something, Cheer yourself on about it. It can be the smallest thing to the largest thing. Think about what you do in a given day. Start acknowledging it, All of it, Some of it. I'm talking about from making your bed in the morning to getting a new job or a raise or making a new friend or putting yourself out there in a new way or joining a new yoga class or meditating for three minutes. I don't care what it is. What you want to do is become your best cheerleader. So again, What would your very best friend say to you if they're cheering you on? This best friend loves you. And encourages you and they support you, What would they say to you if you put yourself out there and went to a new yoga class where you didn't know anybody? They might say to you. Oh my gosh, Great job. I'm really proud of you. You did it. You went to that class all by yourself and you made some new friends. Really proud of you. That's what you say to yourself. It's so easy. Let me give you another example. I cleaned the kitchen the other day. We had this huge mess going on in the kitchen. My kids and I, We were all cooking and big mess. And I then cleaned up the whole kitchen. And it looked so nice. And when I was all done cleaning up the kitchen, I actually stepped back, I looked over the kitchen, And I said, You know what, Michelle? Good job. The kitchen looks great. Nice work. And I felt it. Here's the thing when we're validating self. Words matter. Words are very important, But there's an energy in those words. So drop down the energy into your body, Drop it down. So when I said to myself, Nice work, I allowed myself to feel that energy of, Ooh, This feels really good. I really did do a good job on that kitchen. I looked at the kitchen. I was so proud of myself and what I did. Then I was done. Then I went on. I didn't dwell on it for an hour or 30 minutes. It literally takes seconds. That's it. I looked at the kitchen said nice job, Michelle. The kitchen looks so nice. Nicely done. Nice work. Done. Moved on. But when you start doing things like that throughout the day, Start noticing how you feel about yourself starts to change. Your worth starts to build. Your self-esteem starts to change. All of these things, Again, Self-love, It's like a domino effect. So this is a phenomenal way to start your day and go throughout the day speaking to yourself in this way as your best cheerleader. Another thing I did was for Christmas, I made a few side dishes. And when I was done, I looked at them and I was like, Oh my gosh, This looks so good. Look at this. I'm proud of you, Michelle. Nice work. You really are a great cook. You really love to prepare. Love that about you. Nicely, Nicely done. So again, Very nice, Cheerleading sort of praises I gave to myself. And then I moved on. Don't need to tell anybody. Don't need to show anybody. I don't need to show up at Christmas and have anybody say to me, Oh my gosh, Michelle, This looks so nice. Thank you so much for making these or this turned out great. Thank you for taking the time. Now people said that, And that was lovely. Those are the cherries on my Sunday, But my Sunday was already built. I've already got a Sunday because I already felt really good about myself. It was very nice to hear that. Don't get me wrong, But I built that solid foundation within first. I don't think about these things throughout the day. I speak them and move on. Say this to myself and move on. Okay. Number 2. Speak and treat yourself with kindness. So we're so quick to judge ourselves and even shame ourselves. We fall into shame very quickly. Or harsh, We can be harsh with ourselves. And it's automatic. I was one of those people, I lived with a lot of depression and anxiety in my 20s and late teens. It was automatic how I spoke to myself. And even as I healed and transformed from those things, I noticed how automatic our thinking is. So I had to make the decision to speak and treat myself with kindness. It's a conscious decision. Okay. So. What we want to do is. Again, We're going to go through the day. And make sure that I'm not missing the moments when I could validate myself and something good that I did. Something that I might be proud of. So again, At the grocery store, And I was checking out with a cashier, And she was lovely. And I just said, How are you? How was your holiday? And we just sat and chit chatted. And she told me about her mom. And this is someone I don't know at all. And we went on and on and went back and forth and told me about how her holiday was and then. I was walking out to my car. I was like, Huh. Look at that! That was really nice. I'm really caring. I'm really thoughtful. I just really enjoy who I am as an individual. I really enjoy people. And that was it. Moving on. So I'd like to invite you to become conscious of what you're saying to yourselves. And when you are beating up on yourself negatively, Speak and treat yourself with kindness. Look for the good that you do throughout the day. Look for moments when you could be kind to yourself. Because we're really quick. If I had left that grocery store. And I had something negative that might have happened or, Or the clerk got mad at me. In fact, This happened to me. I want to share this with you. I just had a memory. I was in Lowe's and I was walking out of the bathroom a few months ago. I was walking out of the bathroom and this woman was walking. Into the bathroom with her baby in her arms. And I just pushed the door open, It was a swinging door, And she was pushing the other way, And we ran into each other. Completely by accident, Completely by accident. It was not totally unintentional. And she walked and I went by her and I said, Oh, Excuse me. And this woman under her breath said, What a bitch to me about me. And I was like, Whoa. My ego took hold of that and started to then I started first I got angry and then I started beating up on myself. And why would she talk to me like that? What do you mean? I went on and on. And then I again, My awareness and I said, Hold on a second, Michelle. Climbed in my adult where consciousness lives and I said, Hold on. Okay, So she called me a bitch. Do I need to then follow up with those thoughts that she said? What am I saying to myself? So I had to get conscious and I said, You know what? Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she's mad at somebody else. It was completely unintentional what happened. I'm going to forgive myself and I want to move on because I'm a really good person. I really enjoy people. And I know that if I saw that woman. In a different place and time. I'd be nice to her and maybe she may or may not be nice to me, But probably she would be because I'm a nice person. It's not bragging. It's not tooting my horn. This is me getting myself back in balance and validating who I am. And if that person said that to me, Okay. I had to let it go. Speak kindly, Excuse me, Speak and treat yourself with kindness. Choose that, Become conscious and do that for yourself. Number three, Own, Accept, And move on. So that's what I had to do with that woman at Lowe's. But I want to say to you, When you feel you've made a mistake, You own it. You apologize for it. If necessary, If you did something wrong truly. And the key is to move on. Move on. My husband and I had a conversation just this morning and we were commenting on something so silly like the thermostat. It was so silly and he got upset with what I said. It was a huge misinterpretation. He was clearly triggered and got upset and elevated with me. And I sat there and I paused. I took a breath and I said to myself, I said to myself, Not him, Gosh, You know what? I believe he is misinterpreting. What I said, And now he's upset. This is not mine. This is his. Here's the thing. When we get upset, And someone's triggered or we get angry. Our brain goes very fast. That's when we climb into the ego or what I call the adolescent chair. We want to get in the adult chair where life slows down. It's like we can slow down and become conscious again. We get that energy back in the prefrontal cortex. We can make rational, Logical decisions. So I felt myself start to get elevated. My nervous system got activated. I said, Slow down, Michelle, Hold on. He's activated. Take a deep breath. Get yourself back to balance. So I walked up to him and I said, Hey, I just want to tell you. I believe there was a misinterpretation. This is what I meant. I'm not sure what you heard, And I'm sorry if I said something that came out sideways. I'm very sorry. That was not my intention. I would hoping that we can move on from this. That's it. And he said, Took a deep breath. He said, Thank you. And I walked in my office and I sat here and I was working. And then he came in about 45 minutes later. He goes, I just really want to say, I appreciate what you said to me. And I said, Oh, You're welcome. And I sat there in that moment. And I said to myself, Wow, Michelle, I'm really proud of how you handled that. You stayed centered. You started to get your nervous system started to get activated. You brought yourself back to balance. Nicely done. You apologized. You owned it. You moved on. Nicely done. When I apologized, I left that conversation there in the kitchen and I walked into my office and I was done. So own, Accept and move on. And again, Becoming your best cheerleader is something that I'm always taking me throughout the day and speaking to myself with kindness and I'm looking for times when I've done something that deserves validation and I'm not missing those moments because the old me would have just sat here and been like okay it's all over and moved on. When you add that validation that takes seconds. My internal self. Gets built up, My self-worth gets built up. My sense of self becomes a little bit more positive. It's a journey, Remember, It's not going to happen overnight. But the more you live like this, It's not saying you have to hit every single thing throughout the day. But I do, Throughout the day, Say as much as I can notice it, Because it's so quick. It doesn't take any time. I don't have to go anywhere. I'm just doing it in my head for seconds and then I move on. Powerful work, You guys. Okay, Number four, I pay attention to my feelings and needs. Another big one. When I develop a practice of self-validation and hear the word practice, It takes practice to catch these things throughout the day. So when I develop a practice of self-validation, I'm aware of what I'm feeling, Emotionally speaking, And what I need. So I notice my joy. And my sadness. And I validate the moments when I catch those things. And feel them. I also recognize my needs and I let others know what I need or I take care of my own needs on my own. So Let me give you an example. When my boys left last week. I knew. I was in grief. Everyone knew Michelle was in grief. I couldn't function. My eyes were puffy. I was crying so much. I was just so incredibly sad. I had Kleenex with me at all times. And I remember a friend of mine had called and said, Oh, I just want to check in. How are you doing? And I started to cry. And she went into fix it mode. She says, Your boys are so great and you got to think positive. They're, They're doing so well and all this crap. And I was like, Yeah, I, I get it. That's all true. But I'm in pain. Like I miss these two. We're so close now and I miss them. And that's true. And I said to her, I said, Listen, I'm in a lot of grief right now. It's not going to be forever, But this is just where I am right now. I don't need you to fix me. I said, What I would love is if you would just sit with me just for a few minutes, If I can speak, Because I was crying so hard. I said, Just let me get this out. I'd like to tell you why I miss them so much. Can you just listen? She says, Oh, Yes, Of course. She says, I'm so sorry. I was fixing it. I said, Yeah, I don't need that. You can't fix this. You cannot fix this. So I was really in tune with and paying attention to where I was. And I then said to her, Here I go. And I just emoted and shared with her some great memories. And then I was done. And she said, Thank you for telling me what you needed. And I said, Oh, You're welcome. So It was wonderful and it was my job to let her know what I needed. I was proud of myself for speaking up with what I needed and I validated my healthy adult self and how I took care of myself. So self-validation is about connection to self. It's about staying connected to my emotions and needs. And connected to what the heck is going on with me. I can't give that responsibility to anybody else but myself. So many times people say, Well, They should have known better. They should know that I like this. No, They should not. You guys, Please. It's your job to share with others what you need. I don't care if they've known your entire life. It's your job to tell someone else what you need at all times. So self-validation is very different from bragging. And by the way, People ask me this question. Will it create narcissism if I sit here and toot my horn all day long? You know, I don't want to be a narcissist. No, It's so different. It's very, Very different. I'm talking about building up self. Narcissism is a very different thing. I'm not asking you to brag or anything like that. It's funny, Or not funny, But interesting. I posted about self-validation in my social media and a few people asked if it was narcissistic. They just wanted clarity on all of this. And again, Big, Big difference. I'm not inviting anyone to brag about themselves and post on social media how great they are, Or suggest that they're better than anyone else, Or, This is a big one, I'm not inviting you to compare yourself to anyone and notice how much better you are than they are. These kinds of things create narcissism. That's not what I'm asking you to do. I'm asking you. Which to do something quite different, Which is self-validation, Stay connected to self throughout the day. This is actually self-validation is quite personal. And it's a very quiet activity done only with yourself. So it's a process that builds up your inner self to help you to know who you are and what you're feeling and what your needs are. It's a very healthy thing that we can do for and with ourselves, But it's personal. I don't tell a soul any of this kind of thing. It's for no one else. It's just for me. It's just for me. There's an energy behind it. I'm not saying, Oh, My meals, My side dishes for Christmas were the best. Nice job, Michelle. I didn't say anything like that. I stood back and I said, Wow, Nicely done. You love to create food and you did a really great job today. Nicely done, Michelle. That's all I said when I did the meals. Unfortunately, Our parents weren't great at reflecting. For validating who we are. Or who we were when we were growing up. Because here's the thing, How could they be? Their parents didn't know that this was an important thing to do. So how in the world are they supposed to know to do it with us? Now, Sometimes we got some good stuff from our parents, But what I'm finding in working with people all these years is that our parents didn't know that we needed validation of our emotions, Validation of our true self. True Self. Oftentimes parents project onto their kids what they want versus who the child is. Big difference. Or the parent tries to mold the kid into someone else. You might know what I'm talking about. If you're listening to this, You might've had that happen to you. I know parents that have punished their kids for not getting straight A's or, Or shun them or, Or just put up a wall and wouldn't talk to them unless they I remember one client I worked with, He was, He played baseball. He's a great baseball player, But his father would just berate him and scream at him if he made mistakes during the game. Like awful, Awful, Awful, Awful. A parent's job is to reflect to their children who they are. Okay, So the parent's job is to reflect to their children, Who that kid is, And. . . What the child is feeling emotionally speaking. And sometimes the kid doesn't know, So we have to help them. For example, It's very healthy to say to a child, Let's just say the kid comes home from kindergarten with this beautiful, Not beautiful, But this finger painting. And the child walks in the door. To say to that kid, Great job, Honey. I love how creative you are. I love your finger painting. I love the colors that you chose, Something like that. That just reflects back to the child that their efforts We're great. And they're very creative. That's it. Versus. Your artwork was the best in the class. None of the other kids can finger paint like you. You're going to be an artist. Right? Or shaming the kid. So that would be narcissism or shaming the kid, Which also can create narcissism. You know, You could have done better. This is terrible. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. It's what kids need is just a mirror of who they are and what they're doing. And we want to do a lot more, By the way, Than saying things like, You're so beautiful. You know, I love your outfit. If they only hear that, Then that's who they think they are. Or if they're great at a sport or let's say art, If they only get that praise, Then they still don't know who they are because who that kid is might is something like creative. Kind. Compassionate. Responsible. Generous. That's who we are on the inside. The other stuff is what we do. We're great at soccer. We're great artists, Right? Or again, The outside part, The outside stuff like our looks or what we wear. That's nice. I'm not saying don't say, Oh, I like your outfit today. That's fine. But when that's all we're focusing on, That creates narcissism. Then that kid feels like they've got to only be beautiful or only dress nice or only get great grades or only, Do great at their sports to get love. The kid is always trying to please the parents. And to get love and acceptance and belonging. So our job is to just reflect back who that child is. Okay? We don't want the child to feel like they're not lovable unless they do what we want them to do or show up how we want them. You guys, Our children are here, Just like you were when you were a child, To become whoever it is. That soul. Want you to become. I mean, It's like we're here to water the bulb in the ground in the spring. We water and we give it sunlight. That's what we do with our children and let it blossom and become whoever it is here to become. And our job is to reflect that back, Not who we want them to become or who we think they should become. Very different. So I hope that clarifies it. This is not about building egotistical people or narcissistic people, And that will not happen to you if how you're saying this to yourself comes from a place of truth, Okay? So when we practice self-validation, We are also reparenting the parts of us that needed to hear that reflection that we might not have gotten in childhood. So it's so powerful. It's so healing. I encourage you all to practice this every day. And again, Remember where the energy is coming from. It's just truth. Okay? It's just truth. Meaning. You did a really nice job, Michelle, Creating that holiday dish, Period. Don't one-up yourself. That's not what that's about. It's all about you and no one else. Okay, I hope you enjoy these tips to validate yourself and watch what happens, By the way, When you put this into effect. For 30 days. Practice this for 30 days. By the end of the 30th day, I promise you, And I do promise, I really want to hear about this because I don't believe you. And if you practice for 30 days, You're going to be different. This is powerful, Powerful work. Okay, You're going to feel better about yourself. And how you show up in the world. You're going to have more worth. More self-love. You're going to start to experience a healthier self. And this is what I call living in your adult chair, A really healthy adult. As the adult chair. Enjoy these tips, Everybody. They are simple but powerful tools. That's how we roll here on The Adult Share. Everything is simple, Psychology, Grounded spirituality. Simple, Simple is the key word. Simple with profound results. Okay. And until next week, My friends, Much love to all. I will see you right here next week in the adult chair.