522: What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like

In this episode, I’m talking about what a healthy relationship actually looks like.

After hearing from so many people about narcissism, gaslighting, and unhealthy relationship patterns, I wanted to talk about the other side: how do we know when a relationship is healthy? Whether it is with a partner, parent, sibling, friend, child, or anyone else in your life, healthy relationships have certain qualities that help us feel safe, respected, heard, and connected.

I share eight qualities of healthy relationships, including mutual respect, healthy apologies, enjoying each other’s company, respecting boundaries, thoughtfulness, honoring each other’s needs, listening with presence, and having open, honest communication.

Transcript

Hello, Everybody, And welcome to the Adult Chair podcast, Where we talk all about how to be healthy adults. Yes, Indeed. That's what we're talking about. My goal is to help the whole world live in their adult chair, Because then guess what? We'd all be healthy. And based on the title of today's show, We'd all have healthy relationships. Wouldn't that be a beautiful world? All right, I hope you guys are having a wonderful week thus far. Ah, So do you like the title of the show? It's all about healthy relationships because I was so inspired. And what I was hearing from people is that they were saying, Oh, My gosh, I had no idea that my mother, Husband, Wife, Sister, Brother, Whomever is is actually a narcissist. And that's what's been going on in our relationship. They didn't even know. And number two is the gaslighting episode brought in so many comments from people that said, Oh, My gosh, I had no idea, You know, That's exactly what was going on. I didn't even know what that was called until now. Thank you. Thank you. You know, This is called gaslighting. They didn't know. But in addition to that, I realize people just in general have been dealing with this in their relationships again. Whether it be with mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Partner, Whomever. Gaslighting has been happening and they didn't even know until they heard the show. So for that, I'm so grateful. So please continue to share these shows because my goal is really to help others around the world just become educated on what living in your healthy adult looks like. And if you're getting gaslit, That's not healthy. So those two shows inspired, Actually the comments I should say that came in inspired today's show, Which is all about healthy relationships and wondering, Is my relationship healthy? If you are wondering, Again, And this is not just related to a partnership, This could be with anybody, With a friend or a sibling or a parent, It doesn't matter, A child. How do you know if your relationship's healthy? What does a healthy relationship look like? Because we talked about unhealthy a few weeks ago. Now we're talking about healthy. So I've got qualities of a healthy relationship for you today. Here we go. Number one, The first quality of a healthy relationship is that people have mutual respect for each other. That means, Here's what mutual respect means. I may not agree with your beliefs, But I respect you. In other words, I don't get upset or try to sway you. I don't judge you. I respect you because I care about you and I about our relationship. For example, Someone that you know may have a different political view or a different religious view. Or they may look at how you spend money or even raise your kids. But because they respect you for who you are and they care about your relationship, They don't say a word. Unless, Of course, You ask them. But they don't get involved. They don't try to change you to become who they want you to be. They respect you. I have a friend of mine and she's Catholic, Takes her kids to church. Her husband is not. And they have a beautiful relationship in that she respects him. And he respects her. There's no shaming involved. There's no bad mouthing. He's always invited to come. He declines and he's fine with it. So it's a beautiful relationship. I have friends where we have different, We have different views about politics. We just don't even talk about it. And I really do respect them for where they're coming from and they respect me. It keeps it fine. So we don't need to change other people to become who we want them to be. We actually respect who they are when we care about somebody. That's a healthy relationship. Another thing is, Speaking of politics, With a lot of people I just say, I just want to go there. And people respect me saying that. So you need to respect people's opinions and choices. And a lot of times it's just, I don't really want to talk about that. Thank you. This even happens again with partnerships and that's okay, But we want to respect each other. Number two. Apologize. Healthy. People. And relationships apologize to each other if they've hurt others. Their person. Okay, If you hurt someone that you care about, You apologize. So let's talk about what an apology is and what an apology isn't because what I have found is Sometimes people are a little confused. So here's a healthy apology. I am sorry that I hurt you. You might even add something like, And I won't let that happen again. Can you please forgive me? All of these things are very healthy. Oh my goodness, I didn't know that that offended you. Please accept my apology. I would never want to hurt you, Et cetera. No matter what the person's intentions were, It doesn't matter. If you still hurt somebody, You apologize, Period. Even if someone goes, Well, My intentions were that this and this, And that was a good intention, So I shouldn't have to apologize. That's not true. We still apologize if we've hurt someone that we care about. A backwards apology is not an apology. Let me give you an example of that. When people say. Oh, I'm sorry that you're hurting. Or here's a classic one. This is a backwards apology. I'm sorry that you feel that way. That's not an apology. I am sorry, Here's another one, That you misunderstood me. That's not an apology! Doesn't own anything. An apology is where you're owning that you've hurt another human being. And you're apologizing for that hurt that you caused intentionally or unintentionally, But you own it. So when you say something like, I'm sorry that you feel that way, Instead of saying, I'm really sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry about that. It's a big difference. You've got to own it. You've got to own that you hurt someone. I've had people ask me, But I didn't really mean to hurt them. So do I still have to apologize? Yes, Because they're hurt. You still apologize. Okay. Whether you meant it or not, Your person is hurting. You didn't mean to. So just apologize. And then life goes on. That's it. Life goes on. Okay, Number three. In healthy relationships, We enjoy each other's company. That's an indicator of a healthy relationship. Do you enjoy being with the person that you are in a relationship with? Do you smile? Here's some indicators. You laughed. You have fun with them. Do you have connected conversations? These are all signs of a healthy relationship. The relationship is easy. You look forward to seeing them. You don't have knots in your stomach. If they're coming over or they're coming home or whatever that might be. You actually look forward to seeing them and spending time and you're relaxed when you're with them. You're not tense. You don't want to avoid that person. So healthy relationships are very relaxing. And they're enjoyable. You feel safe with that person. You just enjoy each other. It's nice. Number four, Healthy relationships have respectful boundaries. So you respect each other's boundaries. So if I say to you, Hey, Please don't bring up that topic again when we're at dinner in front of other people. It's really uncomfortable for me. You say. Oh my gosh, Of course. I hadn't even thought about it. Consider it done. I'm so sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. It won't happen again. That's how you respect someone's boundaries. When someone, I did a whole podcast on this. I wish I can remember off the top of my head what number it was, But it was like, On how do you receive a boundary? And so many of us are not good at receiving a boundary. Someone that sets a boundary, It takes a lot of courage, Right? So when you are listening for that and you're receiving a boundary, Be open, Know your part in this. Own it. Apologize. And everybody moves on. It's very simple. It's what healthy people do. OK? Number five, Thoughtful. People in healthy relationships are thoughtful. They do nice things for each other. Even if it's just a compliment or acknowledging a job well done. Maybe, Let's see, They'll bring you a coffee or a tea or your favorite matcha latte, Whatever it might be, Or a treat. If they know you're having a bad day, They'll bring you over some cookies or they'll bring you a smoothie or whatever you like. They know what you like because you're in a relationship with them and they think of you and they do nice things for you. It's not to say that you have to get gifts from this person all the time, But even a phone call if you're having a bad day. Maybe someone checks in on you. That's kind of nice. My cousin checked in on me today. I had a rough day yesterday. I had so much going on. And she called or she texted me and she said, Hey, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. That was so thoughtful. She says, I hope today's a better day. And I thought, Oh my gosh, I just love her. She's great. It was just simple. It was easy. So being thoughtful does not mean you have to buy anything, Anything at all. It can just be really thoughtful, Kind words that you express to another human being. Okay. Number six. Someone that you are in a healthy relationship with wants to know and appreciates your needs. People in healthy relationships are interested in knowing what you need. They ask you what you need. For example, If you're kind of off emotionally, That person that cares about you will come up to you and say, Hey, Is there anything I can do to help you? I noticed you're off today. Or, Hey, I noticed you just don't seem right today. What do you need? How can I be there for you? I noticed, You know, You might find someone that just lost somebody they love, Like their grandparent or their father or something just happened. I noticed your father just passed away. Please let me know. How can I be there for you? What do you need from me? Okay. If you're in a partnership or you're living with someone and you're making dinner and you say, Hey, I'd love for you to be home by six, Then we can all eat together as a family or you and I can eat together. That would really mean a lot to me if you can show up by six. If you're in a healthy relationship. You make it happen. Of course, Unless you have a meeting and you can't, But you make it happen because it's important to the other person. Okay. We know what's important to the other person. We know what our other person likes, And we want to make that happen for them. We really appreciate what their needs are. We don't. Make fun of someone when they express their needs, We don't belittle them when they express their needs, And we don't ignore them when they express needs. That's unhealthy. Healthy is that we want to know their needs and appreciate their needs, Okay? Number 7. People in healthy relationships actually listen and hear you. Okay, So if someone that you care about has needs, And they're requesting something from you, You actually sit and you pay attention and you listen with presence. You listen to their boundaries, You listen to their requests. I'm not going to change your needs because I care about you. I'm going to respect your needs and I'm going to listen and honor your requests. Okay. I'm not going to put you down. I'm not going to make fun of you. Nothing like that. I really want to sit and listen. That's what healthy people do in relationship. Okay. Probably. The most important. Number 8. People in healthy relationships have open, Honest communication. Yes. This is truly the biggest of all. In other words, We speak up if there is an issue. We do not sweep things under the carpet or ignore them when something or someone is bothering us. We share what's on our mind. I didn't say blame. I didn't say scream. I didn't say rage. I didn't say judge. I said we share what's on our mind. And we do it in a respectful way. We ask them, Hey, I've got something I'd like to share with you. Do you have time later today? When is a good time? Perfect. I'll see you on the porch at six o'clock. I'll meet you there. Can't wait. Then when we sit with them, We remember to use the word I and not you. We express our needs. I was speaking with a friend of mine. We were hanging out and she was so annoyed at her husband because he works from home. He works from home very part time and mostly he really takes care of the kids. They have three kids together. And so he drives the kids to and from school. And again, He has a little part time job when the kids are at school. She has a full time job outside the home. She works her tail off. Not that he doesn't because he does as well in a different way. But she works her butt off. She's gone from the home all day. She is home around seven o'clock at night and she walks in the door and she was telling me that she is so drained at seven and then she has to make dinner and she feels like she has to take care of the kids and kind of mingle with the kids because she's been gone all day. She has very much. She has a ton of guilt about working so hard and so long, But she makes more money than her husband. So she has to work, But she has guilt about being away from the kids. So then she wants to also spend time with the kids. The kids are starving. Everyone's whining. So she has to hang out with them and make dinner. And she was telling me that it's been going on for so many years now. The kids are all, I think, Under 12. But it's wearing on her. She's really grinding it out every single day. And she was telling me, She goes, I think something's not right with me. And I said, Well, What's going on? And she said, My mood is just getting flatter and flatter by the day. She said, I really wonder if I'm getting depressed. She goes, I really resent my husband. I'm just not having a good time of it. And I asked her, I said, I said, Did you share with him how you're feeling? And she said, Oh, No, No, No, No. She said, No, He he he does not know how I'm feeling. She goes, I doubt he has any idea. And I said, What if you were to share with him how you felt? And she said, Which is so, I'm sharing this with you because so many clients have said this to me over the years. She said to me, Well, I wouldn't want to upset him and make him feel bad. So she just kind of keeps doing her grind every day and doesn't say a word. And just, And now I said, And I said, Now you're getting depressed because you're not speaking up and you're taking all those beautiful emotions that are coming up and you're numbing yourself out because you're having some pretty intense emotions, If I had to guess, And you're pushing them back down, Which is, Hello, You're causing yourself to be depressed. So I said, I really think you should share. And she said, It makes me laugh. Because so many people say this. Well, I think he should know. No, They shouldn't. People don't know how we are feeling. They don't. They do not know. Please stop saying that, You guys. You have to share with other people what's going on inside of you. I don't care if it's your best friend, Your partner, Your mother, Your father, Your sister, Your brother. I don't care who it is. It's your job to share and express your reality with them. If you're going through a hard time or if you have to set a boundary, People should not know. They're not psychic. They don't know. We are, As humans, Looking more at ourselves all the time. We're wondering what's going on in our own lives. Even when we love and care about someone, Unless they're drastically emotionally off, We don't know. So it's our job to share. Anyway, So I was hounding my friend. I said, You need to speak to him. I'm worried about you. You need to share. She goes, Well, I've done it in the past and it just didn't work. She goes, It never goes well. I said, Why? How did it go? She said. Well, I told him, I told him how I told him that he needs to help out. And, You know, I said, Well, Hold on a second, Because I knew I knew what she was doing. I said, Tell me very specifically the words that you used with him the last time you had this conversation or something like it. She says, I told him, You need to help me. You know, You have less to do than I do, And you don't pick up any of the slack and you need to help. And I, You know, This is just isn't right. And I said, When you start a sentence or a conversation with you, You, You, You, You, You will always put the other person on defense. They cannot hear you. When someone is in their defense, They have slipped into the adolescent chair, Into their ego, They put up their sword and their shield, And they're saying, I got to defend myself. It's just, It's a trigger. It's going to trigger people. When you come at someone and you go, Well, You didn't do this and you didn't do this and you should have known better and you, You, You, You, You. So I said, Listen, I said, Let me teach you another way to have a conversation with him. And I want you to try it like this, And let's see how it goes down. So healthy communication is simply sharing our reality from our perspective. We do it without blame or shame and we share how we feel and we share what we need. That's it. So I explained to her how to do it. And I said, Listen, You got to use the word I. You don't start something with the word you. I said, First of all, Set up a time with him. I call it the setup. Hey, Babe, Can you spend time this week with me? What night would work for you? Maybe we can put the kids to bed early at this hour. Can we just talk at eight o'clock or let's do it on us in the morning, Like on a Saturday or Sunday morning, Something like that. I said, You need to figure out a time. And then I want you to work on saying I statements with him, Share your reality. And then at the very end, You let him know, Hey, You know, Could you help me or something like that? So she and I did a little role-playing. And I have to tell you, She did a very good job. So here's how it went down. She met with her husband on the weekend. And I saw her the week after, So this is what happened. I said, How did it go? She said, Amazing. And I said, What happened? And she said to him, Listen, She said, I am feeling like I'm burning out. I'm on my feet all day working. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. And I'm noticing lately that I walk around with anxiety in my stomach and I'm so fatigued. I can't keep up with this pace all day and then come home and really try to pay attention to the kids and make dinner at seven. We're not even eating till sometimes eight or 830. I am so exhausted by the time I go to bed. I can't even connect with you anymore. I'm drained. I'm fatigued. I'm overwhelmed. I'm anxious. I think I'm getting depressed. And then she ended it with, Would you be willing to help me? Is there anything you can do to help me? She said he looked at her and said, And of course, She did it very slowly and lovingly. But those are the words. I mean, She told me what she said. He said. Very loudly. I had no idea. And I'm so sorry. I didn't know that you were feeling so overwhelmed. Yes, Of course I will help. What can I do? And then he was feeling so bad. She said, Listen, This is not about you feeling bad. This is just, I just needed to tell you. I'm so glad to hear you say that you'll help. So then they sat and they had a very adult conversation around. Oh, This is our new plan, He said. How can I help? And she said, Could you make dinner and have it on the table at seven? So then I can come home and eat with everybody. And then we can maybe play a game with the kids when we're done. So then he can play with the kids. Instead of me playing with the kids quickly, Trying to make dinner, I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I have no energy. She said, Absolutely, Yes. Absolutely, Yes. So the very next night she came home from work and he was in the kitchen singing, Having a wonderful time. And she even put it on video and text me a picture. He really was singing. I was like, Oh my gosh. She said he felt, Here's the thing that's crazy. We don't think this way. He felt so empowered and felt closer to her knowing what was going on inside of her reality. He really did not know. He had no idea because she was putting her mask on and being perfect and say, No, I'm fine. Everything's fine. Because her thought was, Well, I'm not, I'm not going to say anything cause it's not going to matter anyway. You guys, Not true. That's unhealthy. And that is not what we do. That is not healthy, That is not what we do if we are in a healthy relationship, Okay? So here's just a few reminders. Relationships take work. They really do. It's not to say that we don't have a lovely time when we don't crack up and have a great time. But even if you're in the best of relationships, They take work. Communication needs to happen in order for them to survive the ups and downs. If you are going through something in your relationship, You have to share it with your partner. Or again, I don't care who it is, Your friend, Your mom, Your dad, Whoever, But you have to communicate. If you don't feel well, If you're noticing emotionally something's not right, Share it. You don't even need to know the words to say. You can just say, I don't know what's going on, But you know what? I'm just not right. Can we talk about it? Or I'm at a loss for words. Or you say to that other person, If you notice they're off, You say, I don't know what's going on with you. I just want you to know I'm here to listen. I'm here for you. Please, Please, Please do not sweep things under the carpet because they don't go away. They, In fact, Do the opposite. They build up. So these are the kinds of things that will actually really break down a relationship. When we sweep things under the carpet and we just say, I'm not going to talk about it, It builds up anger inside. It builds up resentment. And this is when you hear after 15 years of marriage or 10 years or however long it is, People go, I just want a divorce. And the partner's like, What are you talking about? I didn't even know you were unhappy. Well, I've been unhappy for 10 years. What? They had no idea. These are the kinds of things that happen unless you communicate. You've got to communicate. If you don't know how to communicate, Go find a coach, Go find a therapist, Go find someone that can teach you how to communicate. Okay? You don't have to throw yourself out there and be wide open on the first time you're ever talking with somebody. You can even say to them, I'm really nervous. I'm uncomfortable. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to be open. Would you help me? Yes, I'm going to say something. It's really hard for me. I need you to just let me speak. Would that be okay? Yes, Of course. So you set up how you want it to go down. All right. Another thing that I think is very, Very important in relationships. In a partnership that you're spending or people you spend a lot of time with, Especially again, A partnership, It's imperative. And I really do use that word imperative. That you do check-ins with that person. It's part of a healthy relationship. You know, My husband and I do our weekly coffee chats. We take at least an hour. Now we do it on Saturday mornings and we check in. Hey, How was your week? Is there anything we need to talk about? How are you doing emotionally? How am I doing emotionally? Hey, What are our plans? We need to plan some fun things. We put it on the calendar. Do you want to go for a hike today? Like, What are we doing? You have to, You know, Here's the thing. You have to do these check-ins so you know the temperature of the relationship. You know, Is everything okay? Is it not okay? But you got to share your reality in these check-ins. You share anything you want to talk about. Intimacy, Travel plans, Even just if you're going to go take a hike at some point, Whatever it is, Talk about it. Talk about it. And you can tell the other person that you're with, Listen, I want to share what's going on with me for five minutes. We just sit and listen and not say a word. And please don't fix me at the end. Remember, We got to teach people how we want to be treated. Please don't fix me. Just, I would really love it if you would just listen. I remember the first time I told my husband that a few years ago, Many years ago, He said, I don't want you to fix me. It will feel really good if you just listen to me talk. Okay. And I'm going to do it for about five minutes. He was like, That was the greatest gift ever because I just want to know how I can help and now I know. So you let them know. I need you to hug me. I need you to put your hand on my knee. I need you to tell me this. I need you to do that. You share with the other person what you need. You want to let the other person know how you are doing. And anything at all. Like when my husband and I talk, I'll even ask him about his job. It's really funny because we live in the same house. We both work from home. And we never see each other. He's in one office. I'm in the other office. And when he goes downstairs to grab a coffee or whatever, I'm up in my office and vice versa. I like to eat early. He likes to eat later. So we have to set dates during the week where we connect because we're on very, Very different schedules. I work out first thing in the morning. He works out at night. So we really like our two ships. We always say we're two ships passing in the night. This happens. Our kids are now gone. So it's like, This is just our, These are our lives right now. Intentional or else honestly we wouldn't talk all week. So we are intentional about how we spend time together. You have to do this if you are wanting a healthy relationship. Okay? It really is checking the relationship. It's like taking the temperature. You need to do this. Okay. That's all I've got for you guys. Any relationship, I want you to hear me say this, Can change for the better. Anything. It just takes honest open. Communication. That's how you get the ball rolling. You have to start communicating with whomever you want to have a healthy relationship with. And once you do that, The relationship can change or grow into something really, Really, Really amazing. And that's it, You guys. I hope that you enjoyed this. You know, I love hearing from you and I'll see you next week. Have a beautiful week. I love you guys. And I'll see you right here in the adult chair.

Reviews

Life changing. Should be part of a pre marriage course

Wonderful - thank you 🙏🏻