A Course in Miracles Talk,
Number 20,
The AAA Approach to Forgiveness,
Part 2 of 2.
We will now continue with Step 2,
Awareness.
One of the difficulties in this second stage of forgiveness is that there is no point in being aware of our negative thinking if we cannot learn to accept it.
Having seen the futility of pointing an accusing finger at the world,
We should avoid turning the finger around and pointing it at ourselves.
There is a very real danger that with the heightened awareness will come an increase in self-judgment.
The ego may now say to us,
Look,
I have always said you are a miserable sinner and now I have the evidence.
This is the time to learn to be kind to ourselves and to develop a sense of humour.
If we can learn to smile gently at our inappropriate thoughts and behaviours,
This becomes a powerful act of acceptance which will start to reduce the guilt we feel,
The very guilt that maintains the problems by encouraging us to resort to denial.
Our gentle smiles whittle away at our pile of guilt and over time our problems diminish automatically,
No longer being fed with self-imposed judgement.
If what we resist persists,
It therefore follows that what we accept can heal.
Awareness may reveal thought patterns we have cherished for years despite the pain they have produced.
To accept what we see is to invite healing and change,
And herein lies another problem.
We build our lives and our identities around the thoughts we cherish,
Even the painful ones,
And in releasing them we will lose a part of our identity.
Seeing that some of these thoughts do not serve us does not mean that we can easily accept them and let them go.
Let's take as an example a man who is perceived as kind and helpful and constantly attends to the needs of his friends.
He enjoys feeling well thought of,
But finds himself nagged by conflicting feelings.
On the one hand he enjoys the appreciation he receives,
But on the other he feels his life is not always his own.
He finds it difficult to say no to repeated requests for help,
Although he has become aware that he sends out a message of,
One day an insight dawns.
He needs people to need him.
His self-worth depends on it.
In fact he wants people to be in trouble so he can ride in and save them.
After this realisation he no longer sees his actions towards others as helpful,
In fact quite the reverse.
The message he is really giving out is that other people are weak,
Cannot help themselves,
And will only improve with his help.
To carry on rescuing people will maintain his positive image,
But at a cost of increasing the resentment and guilty feels.
Moreover,
He realises most of his friends are caught in victim consciousness,
Which he has been feeding through his actions.
Aghast at what he now sees as his real motivation,
He has arrived at a crucial point in forgiveness.
To accept this new insight and let it be healed means his life will change drastically.
The response his friends have become used to from him will suddenly change and some of them may not like it.
Listening to their calls for help will now be more likely to produce a truly helpful response based on honest reflection and feedback,
Emphasising that they have their own inner resources to draw on.
Helping them to take responsibility for their own lives,
As opposed to sorting it all out for them,
May not be welcome though.
If his friends are stuck in victim mode of behaviour,
They will not appreciate real help and will perhaps view him as hard and unhelpful.
Very soon he may find himself losing friends as they look elsewhere for help.
" This is a significant challenge in the second stage of forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves does not affect us solely.
Everyone in a co-dependent relationship with us will immediately feel the change we are going through and become alarmed.
Strong attempts may be made by others to try to get us back into the old way of relating.
To forgive is to have your life change and we are understandably fearful of that move.
But a point is reached when it is simply too painful to hold on to old,
Unproductive thinking and a step is taken.
The web of relationships shakes and people may leave,
But new ones will also come.
Our new friends will welcome,
Our newfound strengths and alliances will form.
Now we can look back and see the gains forgiveness has brought into our lives,
Encouraging us to use and value the tools of awareness and acceptance.
Here is a poem on acceptance.
Refusal I have not been accepting myself today.
I have dug in my heels and refused today.
And I have said I won't trade,
I won't budge today.
And I am guilty as hell all the way today.
What brought all this on is hard to say.
A feeling of turning my mind away.
Of finding some pleasure just rearing its head.
When it came to the crunch it was no that I said.
Say no feels quite bad,
I'm defended again.
Feeling the doors being shut again.
But somehow attraction is strong to be sad,
To jerk about crossly and interact.
It's hard not to judge when you feel this way.
Hard to accept when you want it this way.
For you must or you wouldn't be feeling this way.
All this pain is choice,
Strange to say.
Its removal is something I can't do alone.
I can honestly say I'd rather go home.
Than gnaw like a dog at a meatless bone.
And growl at all comers to leave me alone.
On quiet reflection I'm tired of the pain.
It isn't such hot stuff of portioning blame.
To myself or to others it's really the same.
Then the help I asked for just came.
Poem by Minette Quick 1991 3.
The Last A Asking for Help From the text in the Course in Miracles You do not understand how to overlook errors,
Or you would not make them.
It would merely be further error to believe either that you do not make them,
Or that you can correct them without a guide to correction.
The first two steps in forgiveness are our responsibility.
The third step,
The removal of pain and guilt we feel,
Is not of us,
But for us.
If we are truly willing to see differently the painful situation we find ourselves in,
If we want peace above all else,
Then a signal for help is sent out to our inner guide.
What we call this inner guide is not important.
Asking for help is not a prayer or petition,
Because help is always here,
Just waiting to be invited,
And using words of prayer may not be needed,
For what is important is our intention to truly forgive.
However,
There may be times when a desire to ask our inner guide to help will come,
And prayer can help focus our intention and illustrate our willingness to be helped.
Our prayer of forgiveness might take the form of,
Please show me how to see the situation differently.
I want to be at peace now.
There are no right words to use.
What matters is our intention behind the words.
Lack of forgiveness is like a wall erected against the ever-present light that is shining on us.
Forgiveness removes the bricks from the wall,
Letting the light in to do its work of dissolving our unforgiveness and restoring us to peace.
We do not understand the ways of spirit,
Our inner guide,
Nor do we need to know.
What is required of us is a willingness to be helped to see differently the situation we are in.
With this invitation,
Our inner guide can step in and heal our mind.
The idea of surrendering the last part of the process of forgiveness to an invisible power within us will not be welcomed by our egos.
After all,
By its very nature,
The ego believes it alone can solve all problems.
After living on this planet for a few years,
The ego feels it has the experience it needs to handle any situation.
What it doesn't accept is that the ego got us into the trouble in the first place.
Without the guidance of a higher part of us,
We are spiritually blind,
Trying to live on the advice of our ego.
Being blind,
We continually bump into situations that cause us pain.
A summary of the AA Approach to Forgiveness 1.
Awareness What is denied cannot be forgiven.
Awareness of our inner world is as important as awareness of our outer world.
Our egos will fight our attempts to become more aware of our darker sides.
Watch thoughts without judgement.
Develop a compassionate witness role.
The ability to watch thinking means we are not our thoughts.
2.
Acceptance What you resist persists.
Acceptance dissolves guilt.
Acceptance invites healing and change.
Change is feared and can block forgiveness.
3.
Asking for help Steps 1.
Awareness and 2.
Acceptance are our responsibility.
A genuine desire for peace invites healing.
Our inner guide completes the forgiveness process and will choose the form forgiveness takes.
Our job is surrender to its guidance.
