Wise Intention: Being Kind | Buddhist 8-Fold Path

In this class, we look at the Wise Intention of being kind, the second factor on the Buddhist 8-Fold Path, with an understanding of how hard it is for us to be kind to ourselves and why kindness to others starts with being kind to ourselves.

Transcript

I wanted to start with where we started,

Excuse me,

Where we left off two weeks ago on the Buddhist Eightfold Path,

The Noble Eightfold Path,

Because I just want to make sure that we're all clear that this is the Buddha's prescription to us of a path that leads to enlightenment,

Greater peace and happiness,

Compassion and wisdom.

It is one of many paths.

It is not the only path.

It is one of many paths.

And we are not meant to follow this path with blind faith.

It's laid out for us as an invitation to look at this path,

To see if it's true,

If the whole cause and effect,

Nature,

Which is how it's really described,

If you do this,

You'll experience that.

If you do that,

You'll experience this.

For us to explore it ourselves,

To see the cause and effect nature of our speech,

Of our actions,

Of the practices that we do,

Meditation and mindfulness.

So it's an invitation for us to look and see how the path creates or allows us to know greater peace and happiness.

And if it does,

Then great,

Keep doing it,

Keep following it.

But that should be the condition.

It should be allowing you to experience more peace and happiness.

So this is for you to explore.

It's a path,

One of many paths.

And while we talked about the path in that it's not a sequential path,

You don't go to factor one and then step two and step three and step four,

That you're doing all the factors of the path at the same time.

There is one factor,

Wise intention,

That if we focus our attention there,

That it really just naturally leads us into all the other factors of the path.

It kind of paves the way for all the other factors of the path.

And if you think about an intention,

It's an internal thing,

Right?

It's something that we're doing inside ahead of time.

We're deciding how do we want to meet the world?

So when we have the intention of kindness,

Thinking I want to meet the world through the lens of kindness,

Having more understanding,

More compassion,

More patience,

More forgiveness,

Because all of that is part of kindness.

And without an intention ahead of time,

We know what happens.

The world creates us,

Right?

It just comes at us and we know the kind of world we live in.

We know what happens.

So having a wise intention really sets us up to meet the world the way we want to meet it.

And while kindness is so obvious,

And we talk about kindness here a lot and we talked about it two weeks ago with wise intention,

Just be kind.

And I don't think too many people would push back on that,

Think like,

Of course,

Be kind.

But it's almost so obvious,

We don't recognize or we don't imagine how much effort and how much of a difficult practice this really is for us.

Because even just in the last two weeks,

Or the last week,

The last 24 hours,

How many times have we been unkind to ourselves,

Judging ourselves,

Beating ourselves up for making a mistake,

For doing the wrong thing,

Comparing ourselves to someone else,

Or having a situation,

We have a difficult person in our lives and we spend five minutes with them,

But then we spend five hours in our heads with this person we don't want to be with,

Being really unkind to ourselves.

So we spend a lot of time being unkind to ourselves.

We say,

Of course,

Be kind,

And we're the last person that gets our kindness.

And if we're not kind to ourselves,

It's really hard to be kind to other people.

Because I think we notice that in people that are angry or curmudgeony or just unpleasant to be around,

I guarantee you,

They're having really unkind thoughts towards themselves.

So when we have kind thoughts towards ourselves,

Kind intentions and kind actions,

Then of course,

It brings us more into the present moment,

We're more at peace.

And when we're more present,

We're more at peace,

We tend to be more kind to others.

So it really starts with being kind to ourselves.

And I think in part of that,

And because this is wise intention and it's wise kindness,

We do need to be prepared for the ways in which we so insidiously are unkind.

And like the examples I just used,

Judging and comparing,

We are constantly doing this.

It's part of,

I mean,

These thoughts are just swarming around in our society.

We live in a very egocentric,

Competitive,

Individualist society.

This is the result.

Everyone is comparing and judging.

It doesn't matter how much money you have,

Doesn't matter how beautiful you are,

Doesn't matter if you're the CEO,

Everyone is judging and comparing.

And it is cruel and vicious,

The way we judge ourselves and the way we compare ourselves to others.

Like we beat ourselves up endlessly.

When we fall a little short,

When we make a mistake,

You know,

We just,

Just in our everyday lives,

Just going through our lives just constantly,

I can't believe I did that.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe I dropped out.

I can't believe I forgot where the key was.

I can't believe I forgot.

I can't believe I forgot where the keys are.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such a loser,

Right?

We're so quick to be unkind to ourselves.

So judging and comparing to really see it in that light,

It is unkind when we are judging ourselves and comparing ourselves.

It's cruel.

And we need to see it through that lens.

We need to be really clear about that.

This is not kind behavior.

And if our intention is kindness,

Then we shouldn't be judging and comparing ourselves instead.

And I talk about this endlessly,

But I'll keep talking about it because how many times do we judge ourselves and forget this,

To talk kindly to ourselves instead?

You know,

We make a mistake.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was tough.

You know,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was embarrassing.

Right?

Whatever it is,

Like talk kindly to ourselves instead of beating ourselves up.

Because the judging and comparing never leads to a good outcome.

It just leads to more judging and comparing and more feeling badly about ourselves.

We're not present.

We're not peaceful.

And we're not likely to be very kind to other people in that state.

So judging and comparing,

Carrying around the weight,

Again,

I used the example early on,

Of a difficult person or a difficult situation.

We all experience difficult situations,

Difficult people.

But it is amazing.

We'll spend 30 minutes with someone while it's not pleasant.

But then we do literally carry that person around with us for the next six hours,

Thinking about how we wish that person wasn't in our lives,

Like they're not here now.

So this is unkind.

Who are you inviting into your mind when they're not around?

You know,

You're doing this.

It's unkind behavior.

Reliving something,

The criticism,

Someone criticized you,

Reliving it over and over and over.

That's unkind.

And we want to be kind.

Or if we're experiencing a truly difficult situation,

We're experiencing someone's got a health problem,

Someone that we love,

We've lost someone,

We're experiencing grief or sadness or fear because someone we love is sick,

That the kindest thing that we can do in that situation is to open our hearts to our pain,

To our suffering in that moment,

To not resist it,

To not allow our thoughts to go out into the future and imagine how we're going to handle it in the future.

That's not kind.

But being kind is also welcoming and allowing us to be okay with our pain,

Because that's a part of life too.

We do experience,

I mean,

We talk a lot about the self-created suffering.

We spend a lot of time in self-created suffering.

But then there's real things that are happening as well.

And if we're looking through the lens of kindness in our pain,

How can we find some space to breathe into it,

To be present with it,

To not push it away,

But to stay with the pain in this moment.

That's the kindest thing we can do,

To take a mindful breath,

To take a few deep breaths,

Creating some space for the energy inside so that it doesn't overwhelm us.

That's the kindest thing we can do.

Or again,

Talk kindly to ourselves,

Sweetheart,

This is tough,

This is tough,

You're doing your best.

So really thinking about how do we meet ourselves through judging,

Comparing difficult people,

Truly like situations where there really is something going on.

How can we be with our pain?

How can we be with ourselves when we're just feeling low energy or we're feeling just a little bit sick?

I mean,

How unkind we are to ourselves in those situations.

I shouldn't be feeling like this,

I should have more energy.

No,

If that's how you're feeling,

Be kind to yourself.

You know,

Snuggle up with a book,

Make a cup of tea,

Look after yourself,

Be kind to yourself,

Because the more kind we are to ourselves,

The more present we are,

The more at peace we are,

And then the kinder we are to other people.

Because when we are present and at peace,

We are kind to others.

When we get to the store,

Because we're not lost in our own thoughts,

We're not beating ourselves up,

Getting the whip out,

Because we've put it to the side,

We're present,

We feel good inside.

And we're getting to the store and we let someone go ahead of us.

Instead of that,

Oh,

I got to get in front of them,

I got to get there first.

We notice the person behind us that only has a couple items and we let them go ahead.

Or when we're backing up and we see the person next to us backing up at the same time,

Oh,

You go ahead,

Right?

And we recognize there's all these moments to connect with other people.

And isn't that where our happiness and joy comes from?

But it starts with us being kind to ourselves.

And I think the kindness naturally flows to the other people.

And so it becomes this cycle then.

If I'm kind to myself and I'm more peaceful and I'm more present and I'm kind to other people,

It just keeps,

You know,

It's a different cause and effect cycle.

Instead of the cause and effect of suffering,

It's the cause and effect of peace and happiness.

And it does lead to all the other factors on the path,

As long as we are practicing altruistic kindness.

And I do want to just make sure that we are clear on the differences with that.

Because if we are practicing,

And this is really as it relates to kindness to other people,

I mean,

If you're opening the door for someone,

You're letting someone ahead of you,

It's kind of hard to be strategic in there.

But a lot of times,

Or not a lot of times,

Sorry,

Sometimes our kindness,

Even when it starts out altruistic,

You're picking up a gift for someone or you're baking a cake for them or something.

And it starts out altruistic,

I don't want anything in return,

But then as you're baking or kind of preparing whatever it is,

Your mind starts going into the thoughts of,

Oh my God,

They're going to be so happy when I give this to them.

And that's good,

Right?

Starts,

I mean,

That's all right.

But then it starts to turn back on us.

Oh,

They're going to tell me I'm such a great person.

I'm the best chef in the world.

They're going to be so grateful and they're telling,

You know,

They're just going to shower me with gratitude.

And we kind of build it up in this way of how this person is going to thank us.

And so we're looking for something in return or we're looking for someone to like us.

How many times are people kind because they're trying to get someone's,

You know,

I want that person to like me or I want that person to do me a favor or I want someone else to see that I'm generous.

So,

You know,

I want them to see me doing this over here.

So I'm kind of looking for something in exchange for it.

And of course,

What this does in strategic kindness is it brings out the ego,

Right?

There's a little me at the end of it that's going to get something,

Whether it's going to be praise,

Recognition,

Be seen as a kind and charitable person.

It's going to have this person like me better.

Like there's always something at the end for me to get.

And of course,

Mostly it leads to disappointment because we usually don't get it the way that we were hoping to get it,

Right?

They don't thank us the way that we were thinking they were going to thank us or they,

Maybe the person doesn't like us any better.

They're not nicer to us because we did something kind or just to be aware,

Like strategic kindness,

We do want to be careful that we don't want to put the ego in there.

We want to be focused on altruistic kindness specifically,

Or not specifically,

But altruistic kindness is what leads us into all the other factors of the path.

When we are not doing it to get anything,

A praise,

Thank you,

Anything,

When we are truly kind to others,

Simply because we want them to be happy,

We want them to feel cared for,

Because we want to feel that connection with them.

When we are doing it altruistically,

Our speech is naturally kind.

It's not manipulative,

We're not needing them to do anything.

It's just kind.

Our actions are naturally not causing any harm.

When we're meditating,

It's easier to concentrate our mind when we're not trying to get something from someone else,

Right?

Or experiencing the disappointment from not getting it.

We're more mindful,

We're able to apply more effort into our practice,

Because we're not carrying around all the burdens of these made-up problems that we think about all the time,

Right,

Through the kindness to ourselves.

And that we then see the world more clearly,

That everything is more connected,

Wise view,

That everything is interdependent,

That all of these things are arising and passing away,

Cause and effect,

And how we meet each moment plays a big factor in influencing and receiving.

And so seeing all of this as interconnected and cause and effect,

And all part of this big tapestry,

We're seeing the world more clearly in this way,

Simply through a wise intention,

Just having the intention of kindness.

And it does have to be wise kindness,

Right?

It doesn't mean,

Altruistic kindness does not mean that we become a doormat and that we can't ever say no to someone.

It's not always,

Kindness doesn't always look soft and gentle.

And we do have to make sure that we,

Like on the airplane example,

If the plane's going down,

You put your own oxygen mask on first,

Otherwise you're no good to anyone else.

And we see this a lot with activists or people that are really passionate about something,

And they burn themselves out,

Or just overly volunteer and burn themselves out.

Well,

They're not good to anyone at that point,

Least of all themselves.

So it's really important that we understand in wise intention,

With wise kindness,

That there is wisdom and we do know our limitations.

And when it's time to say no,

When it's time to,

You know,

Free up some space on our calendar,

Because we're recognizing it's a little bit too much,

And it's a little too much for our nervous system to be able to cancel,

Take some things off.

If it's someone that's in your life that's toxic,

Right?

I mean,

Being wise,

Like you want that person to take up all of your space,

All of your energy,

Because how much room are you going to have left for yourself or other people?

So there's a lot of wisdom in being wise,

Wisely kind.

And then I do want to say one thing about,

And I think this kind of falls on the strategic kindness side,

That there is one person that we can positively affect without any disappointment using strategic kindness.

And that is our future self.

That when we think about a lot of the things that we need to do that are good for us,

Good for us,

Or even just chores,

Like chores around the house,

Maybe we've got to do some stretches,

We're all getting older,

Maybe we've got some physio stretches we need to be doing,

Or you know,

Cleaning up the house,

Doing our taxes,

Doing things like that.

And we normally kind of take or approach those types of things like,

I don't want to do that.

Oh my God,

I'm just going to put it off later.

I'll get the dishes done later.

I'll do that project later.

I don't feel like doing it.

Or if we do,

We're just kind of gritting our teeth through it.

But this really works.

If you say to yourself,

I am going to do this now,

Out of kindness to my future self,

You get a little bit of motivation,

Because you are tapping into the motivation reward pathway.

So you get a little bit of energy,

You get a little bit of focus,

Like I am doing this out of kindness for my future self.

And I think it would probably fall a little bit more on the strategic side.

But there's just no chance for disappointment.

You're not going to be upset if you've finished your taxes,

Or you've done the dishes,

Or you've,

You know,

Cleaned up your closet,

Or whatever it was that you needed to do.

You're not going to be upset afterwards.

And it does kind of get that motivation reward pathway going.

So it's just important for us to recognize that we can use this to our advantage to help ourselves get things done.

But mostly,

It is just super important for us to remember how being kind to ourselves,

The cause and effect relationship of that,

The effect that keeps cascading,

Simply through that intention of being kind,

And the intention of being kind to ourselves.

What a massive effect that has in our lives.

And how much wisdom and compassion it opens up inside of us.

So it does start with that intention,

Like we have to have the intention,

We have to say it to ourselves.

You can't just sit on the shelf and say like,

I'm going to have the intention,

But then never say it.

And I would encourage saying it a few times a day.

You know,

Putting your hand on your heart,

Your hands on your heart,

Doing it first thing in the morning,

And then doing it in the evening.

So putting your hand on your heart,

Doing it first thing in the morning when you're laying in bed,

Lying in bed,

My mother would be horrified hearing that.

So when we're lying in bed in the morning,

And saying to ourselves,

Like my intention today is to be kind.

And it's a wise intention,

Because I know I'm going to want to judge and compare.

I know it's going to happen.

And I'm mindful of that.

I'm going to be mindful of when that judging and comparing comes in and make sure I'm seeing it through the lens properly of kindness.

Seeing that that is not kind,

Judging or comparing myself,

Or I'm going to see when I'm carrying around the weight of the world,

And lost in my thoughts about what's going to happen in the future,

Or what I just left behind.

And I'm going to see that that is not kind,

And my intention is to be kind.

So if our intention is kind,

And we say that in the morning,

And being prepared for the ways in which we are habitually not kind,

Then we're more likely to go throughout the day,

And we follow through with the actions of actually being kind.

We notice when we're belittling ourselves,

Criticizing ourselves,

Here it is,

This is unkind,

And it changes it.

We're more quick to let it go.

We're to come in with the self-compassion talk,

The talking kindly to ourselves,

Taking that mindful breath,

Forgiving ourselves,

Oh yeah,

You're human too.

You make mistakes,

Just like millions of people around the world are making mistakes right now.

You too,

You know,

You're human,

And we forgive ourselves.

So having the intention,

Saying it first thing in the morning,

Saying it a couple times throughout the day,

Is you know,

Just a good reminder.

And then having the actions throughout the day of being kind to yourself,

Being kind to others,

And then in the evening,

When you get into bed,

The last thing to do,

Instead of start,

You know,

Stirring up trouble,

Reflect on all the kindness that you gave that day,

The kindness that you gave to yourself.

Really feel how good that feels to be kind to ourselves.

The kindness that you gave to some stranger in the supermarket,

Or that you just let,

You know,

On the freeway,

You know,

Reflect on what it was like,

How they would have felt through your kindness,

And what a beautiful way to fall asleep.

And then really setting you up for waking up in the morning,

And like,

Man,

Yeah,

I'm gonna have the intention of kindness again today,

Because it just keeps following through.

It's one step it's one step leads to the next,

Leads to the next,

Leads to the next.

So kindness.

So really thinking about how we can be kind to ourselves in any situation,

Whether we're in pain,

Whether we're suffering,

Self-created suffering,

Whatever it is that's going on,

What is the kindest thing that I could do right now?

And I think what you'll find a lot of the time it is,

I could let this go,

I could take a mindful breath,

I could forgive myself,

I could bring in more patience,

Right?

And because when we start to open our hearts,

Just even asking the question,

What is the kindest thing that I could do for myself right now?

We know this,

Right?

When our hearts start to open,

The wisdom is there.

Oh yeah,

This isn't gonna last that long.

We remember impermanence.

Just breathe.

You know,

This person's not gonna be in your life forever,

You know,

Or whatever it is,

The situation that's going on.

Just keep coming back to the present moment.

And the more that we do that,

The more present we are,

The more peaceful we are,

The more kind we are to others,

And then the more kind back again that we are to ourselves.

Reviews

Lovely! Thanks for sharing this talk with us. Namaste

🐝 kind

What a way to start the day. Be kind w/o expectations. But don’t be a doormat

What a mesmerizing talk on the seemingly uncomplicated path to discovering joy in our lives through tender acts of kindness. Thank you for this. 🙏 🤲