Why Does Social Media Make Us So Unhappy

Social media is a comparing black hole. No matter how much you try and convince yourself you're not comparing, you can't help it. It's why people feel so bad when they go on social media. In this excerpt of Class 6, Peace is Not Comparing, we look at the dangers of comparing on social media.

Transcript

And of course,

We would be remiss to not talk about social media alongside comparing.

And we know,

So we know when we go on social media,

It's a wanting system.

It's not a liking system.

It's a wanting system.

We're looking for something.

You can tell yourself,

Oh,

It's my morning routine.

I just want to check in with all my friends.

Right.

You want something.

It's a wanting system.

Or I'm just bored.

I'm stuck in line.

I just want to see what's going on.

You want something from this system.

So you go on and you're scrolling through your newsfeed.

And you see some friends are in New Zealand.

They're at the top of some mountains like,

Wow,

It's pretty cool.

You know,

Like Comet,

You know,

Good friends,

Happy for them.

And then you keep scrolling and see a bunch of friends out to dinner and they look so happy.

And you go,

Well,

Good for them.

And you keep scrolling and oh,

And look at such and such,

Just got a book deal and wow,

Good for them.

But this whole time you're comparing.

You don't even realize it.

And what you're comparing is you're sitting in your living room and they're in New Zealand or you're stuck in line and they're all out to dinner.

Or you're just on hold with customer service and they're getting book deals.

So you're comparing your everyday mundane moments to someone else's highlight reel and conveniently leaving out a lot of details.

The long flight to New Zealand where their backs were aching and the food sucked and the customs lines and the getting up at 3 a.

M.

To start trudging up the mountain.

All the things that had to take place and all fine,

All good things.

You know,

I'm not saying you wouldn't want to do it,

But we're just seeing the one little snapshot,

The one little image.

We're not seeing the whole picture or the dinner when everyone's yay,

Right?

And the drinks are up and you know,

We look so happy.

Right?

Okay,

Let's look at them at the end when everyone's trying to divide up the bill 10 ways and everyone's feeling a little tense because are you sure you didn't get that?

Or when the waiter didn't deliver their,

You know,

Brought your meal late or when you're waiting for the table.

Again,

Just conveniently leaving out the whole picture and the book deal.

Oh man,

They've got it made.

Look at them,

They've got a book deal.

Well,

They got a lot of work ahead of them.

They had a lot of deadlines.

You know,

Enjoy the fine.

Of course,

Enjoy the win of the book deal.

But remember the whole picture and remember that your little lizard brain can't handle this.

It simply cannot handle all this comparing of you doing,

Having a mundane moment.

Life is filled with mostly mundane moments.

I mean,

Probably 60% of our life is mundane moments.

Waiting in line,

Doing the dishes,

Showering,

Putting on makeup,

Walking the dogs.

Well,

That's not a mundane moment,

But feeding the dogs maybe,

Right?

This is the majority of our life is mundane moments.

And then maybe if we're lucky,

We have 20% of super high exciting moments and maybe it's 10 to 20% of where it's real.

Like we've lost someone or something,

Someone's not well where we have those down moments.

But the bulk of our life is just simply mundane moments.

And there we are comparing our mundane moments most of the time to everyone else's highlight reel.

Because they're not up the top of the mountain scrolling and looking at everyone else's stuff.

Of course,

They are scrolling and looking to see how many likes and comments they got.

So it's another kind of suffering.

But we have this unrealistic comparing with social media of our mundane moments and everyone's highlight reel.

You just go back and look at your own highlight reel.

You go,

Oh yeah,

I have good moments too,

Right?

I've had a good life.

But we don't see the whole picture when we look through social media like that.

And we are reinforcing this belief again that we are trying to upend this belief that happiness is something outside of us.

Because that's not where happiness is.

And we're trying to upend this belief.

And every time we're on there doing social media,

We are reinforcing that belief.

Don't underestimate how powerful this comparing is.

How our little lizard brain is taking this all in.

You're not smarter than the algorithms.

We're not.

We have to know this before going.

If you go on social media,

I'm not telling everyone to not do social media.

There are some benefits to social media.

Clearly there are.

But when technology starts to own us,

It's not a benefit.

If you're going on social media,

I mean,

Do some breathing beforehand.

Say the mantra,

Peace is not comparing.

Limit your time on there.

There's just not a chance in hell you're going to go on there.

If you go on unconsciously,

Just kind of following the same routine and you do it without being aware of what's happening,

You're going to start comparing and you're going to start to feel bad.

And all the studies show when we go on social media,

We feel bad.

And it doesn't matter if you're the popular person on social media because they're still comparing themselves to someone else.

All the influencers on social media,

I couldn't think of a worse job in the world because every time you're posting,

Trying to make your life look better than it really is,

You also need more and more.

You're comparing to how many likes you got on the previous post,

How many comments you got on the previous post,

How many shares you got.

Constant comparing.

Social media is a comparing nightmare and we have to know that.

And it is a nightmare for children.

And if you have children or Sophie,

You're a teacher,

Deborah,

I think you're a teacher as well.

I mean,

It should be illegal for children,

Quite frankly,

Because kids remember when we were all young,

Like how hard it was and we didn't even have social media.

You're developing your self-image,

Your sense of belonging,

Your self-worth around your group of friends,

Right?

This is what it's about and wanting to fit in.

But then imagine they're scrolling through,

Seeing their friends doing something that they weren't invited to because you can't be invited to everything.

Seeing someone else.

I thought she was my best friend and she's in a picture with that person now looking and it says BFFs forever.

It's like,

Oh,

That constant just disappointment and oh my God,

And the image that they're seeing of themselves as being excluded and not being a part of everything.

And they're just sitting in their bedroom going through everyone's highlight reel,

Which again,

They're only showing you the images they want to show you.

And most of those images are pretty staged.

So it's not realistic.

It's not realistic.

And it's really messing with kids.

I mean,

We've seen since 2011,

Since social media really took off an increase of anxiety,

Depression and suicide in teens,

Particularly young girls.

So it is awful for kids being on there.

And of course,

We at least have a prefrontal cortex,

A fully formed prefrontal cortex.

Kids don't.

They can't reason.

They can't say to themselves,

Oh yeah,

I was invited to this.

I can just go to my own highlight reel or,

You know,

It can't be included in everything.

They can't do that.

I mean,

It's frightening what's happening to kids with social media,

But do not underestimate what social media is doing to us as well.

It is an endless comparing black hole and it's why the studies show we feel bad,

Adults as well,

When we go on social media.

Limit the amount of time you're on there.

Don't go on every day.

Try to make it a couple of times a week.

That's enough to check in.

You don't have to be on there every single day.

And of course,

See for yourself.

Do the mantra.

It's not comparing and go on and start to notice when the comparing comes in and go,

Oh,

That doesn't feel very good because of course that's what we're looking for with the mantras.

The evidence for you to see yourself is comparing,

Taking away my peace.

Yeah,

It is.

Reviews

Your talks are so helpful. Thank you.

Great insights and reflections - I found this talk resonated. Thanks

I wish everyone I know could listen to this because I know people who spend too much of their lives on social media & they are unhappy. I also agree children should be limited because even my grandchildren are on way too much. Thank you.