So last week,
In the half-day retreat that we did here on IT,
Our theme was emptying our cups,
Right?
It was about not putting anything else into our cup,
Any more information.
It was about unplugging our devices,
Turning off our phones,
Practicing noble silence,
Really creating the conditions for us to move a little more slowly,
A little more thoughtfully,
More mindfully.
So as we were doing things on the silent retreat,
The silent part in between when we were meeting on IT,
If you were doing some yoga,
It was very much mindful yoga.
You were eating it was mindful eating if you were journaling it was mindful journaling if you were going for a walk in nature it was it was mindful walking right so it was really setting the conditions for for the mind to settle down to feel a greater sense of calm to feel a greater sense of ease of peace and and so we weren't trying to force the mind into anything in the half-day retreat We were creating the conditions.
And these supportive conditions don't have to end just because the half-day retreat ends.
That we can continue to be more mindful,
Be more aware of how we can cultivate other conditions that support a settled mind,
A calm mind.
A mind that's more relaxed at ease.
And on the Buddhist path,
Which is a path that leads to a calm and settled mind,
A central part of the path is ethical conduct.
Right,
That how we live our lives,
How we treat one another,
How we speak to one another,
That our words and our actions have an effect.
Not just on our external environment or the people around us,
But they have an effect on us.
They leave an imprint on us.
So if we're being deceiving,
If we are taking things that are not being freely offered,
If we are betraying trust in relationships,
If we are earning our living in a way that is harming others,
That is exploiting others,
It's very hard to have a settled mind.
There's a lot to keep track of.
There's a lot to keep straight.
There's a lot to keep hidden.
And there's a lot of stress in that.
Now,
I don't imagine in those bigger examples they really will apply to many of us here.
I think most of us are living quite ethical lives.
But all we have to do.
Is luck.
At one single careless remark.
And we can see how we spend hours replaying that remark over and over in our minds,
Causing ourselves a lot of suffering,
Causing our minds to be very agitated.
So what I wanted to focus on specifically,
The part of ethical conduct that I wanted to focus on today,
Is wise speech.
Because what we say matters.
Our words can heal or they can harm.
Others,
And ourselves.
And I do think that we spend a great deal of time regretting things that we have said.
Spending time lost in our thoughts,
Thinking,
Oh,
Why did I say that?
I shouldn't have said that.
I shared something that wasn't mine to share.
Or I shared too much information about myself,
Or I dominated the conversation.
And we spend all this time wishing we hadn't said it and wishing we could go back and change it and,
Oh,
Why did I do that?
And just beating ourselves up for hours.
And most of the time,
We really haven't caused any harm to anyone else.
But we are causing a lot of harm to ourselves.
And so one of the.
.
.
The interesting things with speech.
Is that Often,
Or sometimes,
I'll say,
Sometimes we will know what we're going to say before the words come out.
Because maybe we're in a situation,
We're engaged in a conversation,
We're responding to someone,
And the thought pops in our head.
Of course,
We never know what's that thought that's going to pop into our head.
But it's kind of in this holding space for a few moments before the words actually come out.
And it's in that pause,
Right,
Where we know what we're going to say or we think we know what we're going to say,
We think we know what's going to come out of our mouth any moment.
And then we can pause and say,
Let me walk these words.
Through the three gates.
So these three gates that really help us to know whether the words we're about to speak are going to lead to a more calm,
Easy,
Peaceful state of mind or to an agitated state of mind?
Are the words that I'm going to speak,
Are they healing or are they harming?
And so the three gates are,
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
So when we have these moments,
When we know when someone's maybe asked us to do something in a few days to get together and do something that we don't really want to do.
And our immediate response is to think,
Oh,
I'm just going to say I have plans.
I'm going to say I've got to take my dog to the vet.
I've got to work,
Right?
We're just kind of trying to come up with a quick excuse.
But in that moment,
When we remember the three gates and we go,
Well,
Hang on,
Is this true?
Is this true?
Well,
It's not really true.
I don't have any plans.
I don't have to work late.
I don't have to take my dog to the vet.
I'm just,
I'm really,
All I'm trying to do is put off this discomfort that I feel right now.
That I don't want to say no.
But I feel uncomfortable.
And so it can give us,
It can kind of be that really immediate reaction to remember that if I am not telling the truth here,
Then I am giving my mind things that it needs to manage in the future.
Because now I've got to remember when they ask me,
How did everything go at the vet?
Oh,
What do you mean?
Oh,
Oh,
Right,
Right.
I said I was taking my dog to the vet.
Or you said you were going to be working,
And then all of a sudden you're out and about,
And they're like,
Hey,
What are you doing out here?
I thought you were working.
Oh.
I forgot I had to keep that all together.
" So we forget,
You know,
That yes,
By just these little half-truths,
That yeah,
It gives our minds a lot to have to keep track of.
And so when we ask ourselves,
Is it true,
Right,
It can pause at that moment and it can give us the courage to recognize that like,
Wow,
If I don't,
If I'm not truthful now,
Then I'm going to cause some agitation for myself in the future,
For my mind.
And so we can say.
.
.
Thanks,
But I'm going to pass this time.
We don't have to say more than that.
And we can feel good about the fact that I didn't have to lie.
It was a little uncomfortable maybe saying it.
But there's nothing that I have to manage now in my mind going forward.
And I think we forget just how much or just how often we will tell these little half-truths,
Mostly because we're kind of avoiding some initial discomfort in the moment.
And that how much time then we spend.
Having to keep track of all of these little half-truths.
So maybe,
Maybe we get through the first gate.
Maybe we get through,
Is it true?
Right,
So we're with a friend and they're going through something difficult.
And they're telling us about this,
What happened to them,
They had a fight with their boyfriend or they broke up with someone.
Having some challenge with their child,
With their boss,
Something's happening.
And we're thinking as we're hearing to them that,
Oh,
I have a similar situation.
I should share my similar situation with them and tell them how I got through it.
And so we can think to ourselves,
Well,
Hang on a minute.
It's already popped into my head.
They're still talking now.
There's not even a pause yet for me to speak.
So we can think,
OK,
It's kind of in this holding.
And we can ask ourselves,
Is it true?
Well,
Yeah,
It is true.
It did happen to me.
And then we can ask ourselves.
Is it necessary?
Ooh,
Is this necessary right now?
Is this going to be helpful?
I mean,
Do they need to hear my story and how I got through it?
Or maybe,
Do I just need to give them the space to keep sharing what's happening to them,
How they're feeling?
That maybe when there's a pause in the,
They've stopped talking for a bit,
Maybe it's because they just need the silence.
And I can be silent and I can be okay with that.
So maybe it's not necessary.
In this moment,
Maybe in another moment,
It will be something,
It might be really the right time to be able to share this with this person.
But right now we can recognize,
You know,
It's not really,
It's not really necessary right now.
And then we can keep that connection,
That space open with this person.
For what they're going through without turning it into,
Well,
Let me tell you how I dealt with this.
And then later,
Later on thinking,
Why did I say that?
Why didn't I give them the space?
Because sometimes we just get a little excited.
We get excited and we think,
Oh,
I can relate to this,
Or I've got some good advice,
Right?
We just get excited.
And so it just kind of slows us down a little bit to just ask these questions.
You know,
Or maybe it's something where you're in a situation where you're with several people,
You're at a dinner party,
You're at a coffee shop,
You're with several friends and everyone's sharing these funny stories and everyone's laughing and having a good time and you start thinking,
Well,
I want to I want to have a funny story to share too,
You know,
I want to be participating in this as well.
And so maybe you're thinking of a funny story,
But it's about someone else.
Maybe it's about your partner and they're here.
And you think to yourself,
Well,
Is it true?
Did happen.
Is this necessary?
Oh,
Well,
I kind of feel like I want to participate.
I feel like everyone else is sharing something funny.
I feel like it is,
Right?
It's probably not,
But it kind of feels like it.
And so even if it kind of wiggles through,
Is it necessary?
We can then ask ourselves.
Is it kind?
How are they going to feel when I tell the story?
Are they going to be laughing?
Maybe on the outside,
But inside they might be hurt.
And so we can recognize in that moment,
Yeah,
As much as we're maybe getting caught up in the moment,
We kind of want to share something and we want to participate,
We can also recognize,
Yeah.
This isn't appropriate.
It's not kind.
And so this pause,
Really,
It helps us to remember that the words that we speak They have an effect.
Not just on the people around us and of course we want our words to be healing not harmful but they also just have such a a blow back to us on how we're interpreting what it is that we said.
And so very often I find that when the three gates arise,
When mindfulness arises and something gets,
You know,
Whatever words are kind of in that space,
Right,
Very often when we walk our words through that space,
Very often we end up being silent.
We talk less.
We listen more.
And we find that in fact we have a greater connection.
We don't have to fill every silence,
That we don't have to make everything about us.
Because deep down I think what it is that we do want is this connection when we're engaging with another person,
When we're having a conversation.
But I don't think we realize how often our words are actually creating separation.
And even even breaking a connection that is there because maybe we do have that we the silence is there and we feel so um you know we feel so uncomfortable with it and so we we want to blurt something out just to to fill up you know that that silence that space or or we um or we feel that urge to tell everyone about ourselves and let me tell you what happened to me and let me tell you,
You know,
How,
You know,
Let me tell you about,
You know,
What my opinions are,
Let me tell you what my ideas are,
Let me show you who I am,
Let me try and convince you,
Sorry,
Let me try and convince you who I am,
That I'm smart,
That I'm funny,
That I have all the right opinions and ideas.
Right?
Because that's what also starts happening in conversations.
All of a sudden it goes from a conversation with another person to an engagement,
A connection to How am I appearing right now?
What are they thinking of me?
And I think we can recognize this as Station Me,
The broadcast.
I need them to see me in a particular way.
And if I say these words then I will get them to see me in a particular way.
That's what we think but really what's happening is that we're starting to create some separation between us because between us and the other person we're no longer present,
We're not there,
Now it's about how am I appearing.
But when we pause.
When we walk our words through the three gates.
This gives us an opportunity.
An opportunity to see that habit energy in real time the habit energy of speech that usually we don't notice until after it comes out so the thoughts there and the speech is already out in this afterwards we're just beating ourselves up So it really helps us to see this habit energy of of saying things that are maybe creating more distance versus the connection that we truly want.
So when we notice,
Right,
We notice the thoughts there,
We notice that urge,
That urgency to want to speak,
Right,
We notice that we can even notice like,
Oh,
Here it is,
Here's the cycle,
Here it is,
The words are going to come out and then I'm going to feel bad,
We can recognize that,
Right,
We can just kind of start to see it a little bit more clearly,
Everything slows down a little bit and it's like,
Let me just put it through the three gates.
If it makes it through the three great gates,
Fantastic.
Very often,
It won't.
And there is such a sense of just relief,
Of awe.
Yeah,
Maybe I don't have to share my story.
Maybe I don't have to butt in with some advice right now.
Maybe this isn't the right time.
For this conversation and there's just that sense because that contracted energy that habit energy is so strong and and it just this pattern repeats so much we don't realize it but it just kind of slows it down and we do recognize real time like ah I can relax and just be here.
I can let the space be here.
I can let the silence be here because there's a connection in that.
So we notice,
We see when we start making the conversations all about ourselves again because whenever we do that We suffer.
We don't feel good.
And we tend to regret it later.
And so,
You know,
Of course,
I wouldn't say that we,
Well,
Of course,
We don't want to judge ourselves,
Like,
If we notice,
Like,
Oh,
I wanted to say something,
I wanted to appear a particular way,
I wanted to appear like I had the best advice,
Or that I was so wise,
Or that I was the most knowledgeable about current events,
Whatever it was,
No judgment behind any of this,
Right?
If we're seeing it,
Right?
Because I think there is this longing behind it of wanting to feel connected,
Of wanting to feel accepted,
Of wanting to feel included,
Right?
It's just that it doesn't work.
It's not what it's bringing us,
It's bringing us more separation,
More distance and then later we're feeling agitated,
Our minds are agitated because now we're thinking why did I say that,
Oh I can't believe I said that,
I told myself I wasn't going to say that anymore and yet here we are in the same position again.
And we won't always catch it of course,
Right,
I mean it's the three gates are arising with mindfulness,
Right,
Sometimes it's going to arise,
Sometimes it's not and so just important to remember our mindfulness practice as well,
Our self-compassion practice and maybe even applying the three gates to our own self-talk right?
Where we're beating ourselves up because we said something and asking first,
Is it true?
Is it true?
Maybe we said something,
But is it true that it was as awful as we are now interpreting it to be in our minds?
Because it is amazing how 10 people can be having a conversation,
Everyone walks away and everyone gets in their head and starts thinking about,
Oh,
What did I say?
Oh,
My God,
How's everyone interpreting that?
Usually no one else is thinking about it.
We're the only ones thinking about what we said.
So is it true?
Is it true?
Like,
If I did share a little too much information about myself,
Or I did have that little moment,
Like we wanted to kind of appear as something,
It's like,
Oh,
Yeah,
You know,
Not my best moment,
Right?
We can recognize like it wasn't really causing any harm,
It wasn't causing any harm,
And is this beating myself up necessary?
No,
It doesn't help.
I've been beating myself up my whole life about things that I've been saying.
It didn't stop it.
So maybe,
Maybe,
OK,
The three gates didn't come in then.
They're coming in now,
Yay,
Thank you,
Right,
And then just to remember like is this kind,
How are we speaking to ourselves,
Are we talking to ourselves kindly,
Like A lot of the times,
So a lot of the times,
I don't think our speech is really causing a great deal of harm.
I think we are interpreting it in a way that causes a great deal of harm to us.
And so just to,
You know,
Have some self compassion.
Yes,
Sweetheart.
Okay,
That one got out.
Okay.
No problem,
You didn't hurt anyone.
You didn't hurt anyone,
It's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah,
Yeah,
And just to kind of,
Or some,
We did say something and it felt a little embarrassing and it's like,
Yeah,
It was a little embarrassing,
Meredith,
Okay,
Yeah,
You know,
I mean,
We do it,
Right,
I'm up here speaking a lot,
There's times I'll go back after I'm looking through the video,
I'm like,
Oh,
Okay,
I guess that did come out that way,
Right?
Not your best moment,
Not your best moment,
It's going to happen,
We do talk and sometimes things are going to come out in a way that maybe not exactly as we would them to come out but we can also have that kindness towards ourselves and really practicing to create the conditions for a settled mind because that's what this is about.
Ethical conduct which does include right action,
Right speech,
Right livelihood,
Yeah,
Right action,
Right speech,
Right livelihood.
So right speech being a big part,
A big part of this.
And for us to think about,
As we try to cultivate the conditions in our lives,
To have a more settled mind,
A more peaceful mind,
A more calm mind,
Because it's in the settled,
Peaceful mind that we have clear seeing,
That we're able to see what's happening and things do slow down and we notice the habit energy.
So this is a really important part of our path.
And so recognizing with wise speech that we can use these three gates as a way to help us kind of check it as the words are coming out,
You know,
Or as the words are in there,
That kind of holding place.
Yeah.
And just to see for ourselves,
Does this help?
Is it helpful when we walk our speech through the three gates?
And do you feel better when you're engaged in a conversation with someone and you're quiet a little bit more often not to say that we're not engaging of course we still want to engage with others we want to share we want to connect and and sometimes we do have something funny to say maybe about ourselves or isn't causing any harm to someone or we we have some good advice right that we want to share so it's not to say that we want to get into this oh my god i'm never going to talk but that our speech is wise wise meaning it's not causing any harm.
And again,
Even a lot of the times the words aren't necessarily harmful to the other person,
But the way we're interpreting it later.
Causes a lot of harm.
So it can really help us to just slow down and to notice that and to just use these three gates as an aid,
As a help to see real time what's happening,
You know,
What those thoughts are that want to come out.
And if it slows them down,
And you notice you find you feel more at ease,
You feel more peaceful,
Then fantastic.
Yeah,
It's creating the conditions for a more settled mind.
You might find that your your conversations feel easier with others and that you feel more relaxed around others particularly in those spaces when we uh when there is silence that we can let the silence be and we can we can be okay with that so i find it to be i find these three questions to be particularly helpful uh the three gates they're not a buddhist teaching it comes from a poem uh in the early 1900s but incredibly helpful so I just offer that today to see if it can help,
See if it helps create more conditions for more peaceful states for each of us.
