Your Child’s Self-Esteem: Part 1

In this episode, Dr. Gina explains how a parent's self-esteem will impact their child's self-esteem. She speaks of practices that hinder and others that foster healthy self-esteem. She discusses how parenting with presence, curiosity, and interest without judgment and validation are critical factors in discovering the child's true nature and gifts. If we can truly see our child for who they are, we can leave them with the most incredible legacy.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey,

Everybody.

Welcome to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

That is Dr.

Gina Metrograno.

My name is Ben Barber.

Below me is Crystal Tubbs.

If you're watching this on video.

If you're not watching this on video,

Then that didn't mean anything.

Too relevant.

Yeah.

So welcome,

Guys.

Today we are talking about your child's self-esteem.

So Dr.

Gina,

Give us a little overview about what we're going to be talking about today in regards to your child's self-esteem.

Also,

If you are watching this show live,

Please feel free to leave a comment.

Leave questions down below if you have any questions.

Dr.

Gina will answer them.

If you are listening to this later,

Leave a question wherever you are,

Wherever you're watching,

Wherever you're listening,

And we will find it.

Dr.

Gina will answer your question there.

So Dr.

Gina,

Let's go.

What are we talking about today as regards to your child's self-esteem?

So I thought we would talk about different parenting strategies that could impact a child's self-esteem negatively but also positively,

And how a parent's self-esteem greatly impacts a child's self-esteem.

That is great.

A parent's self-esteem impacts a child's self-esteem.

Let's explore that for a second.

Right.

I agree.

I think that- This might explain my childhood.

Because I think that right now a lot of people are understanding their lives a little bit more,

And a lot of parents are going,

Oh,

Crap.

How so?

Well,

You can't teach what you don't apply yourself.

If you don't love yourself,

How can you teach your child to love themselves?

So people who have low self-esteem will exhibit certain outward behaviors,

So observable behaviors,

But also their self-talk will be impact,

Which will impact their attitude.

But also a parent's self-esteem will greatly impact the choices they're going to make,

The people they hang out with,

And a big part of low self-esteem where we can notice it is in a couple who- what partner you choose.

So if you're in a partnership where your spouse puts you down,

Doesn't respect you,

And you allow it to happen,

Well,

Your child is learning that this behavior is acceptable.

And that's how you model self-esteem,

Whether you have it or not.

Kids learn by imitation.

So the behaviors we have are reflective of our self-esteem.

The way we treat our bodies,

The people we choose,

How we teach people to treat us.

Our children observe all of this.

So that's why a parent's self-esteem has a huge impact on a child's self-esteem.

Yeah,

That makes a ton of sense,

And what you show to them,

They will learn.

I had a friend years ago who was stepping into a situation to be a- where they were entering a relationship with a partner who already had a child.

And they were like,

You know,

This is a lot.

What do I do?

And I'm like- and the thing that I stress the most to that person was just love the parent.

And just show that you love the parent,

And that,

You know what I mean?

And now,

Years later,

That behavior that was modeled is so apparent every day,

And they're all doing very well.

But it was what you show them when you're around is what they pick up.

And the same thing with self-esteem,

I think that's huge in regards to that.

How do you do that in your own- when you're feeling down and stuff and your daughter is around,

How do you walk that line of showing them that things are difficult,

Showing them that things are real,

And not being fake,

And pretending like you're confident and you know what you're doing and whatever.

But how do you show them that you have self-esteem without lying to them?

Yeah,

Well,

If you have healthy self-esteem,

You're comfortable being authentic.

And part of self-esteem is unconditional love for yourself.

So,

The good sides and the not so good sides.

So,

Not being afraid or shameful to show your weaknesses or,

You know,

Flaws that you need to work on,

And you show,

You know what,

I'm human.

And you apologize because people with healthy self-esteem don't feel like it's lowering themselves or weakness to apologize and to show their flaws.

So,

If you're having a bad day and you show proper coping skills versus pretending everything's fine,

You're showing them resiliency.

Right?

You're saying,

I'm going through a tough time,

Now let's see what I'm going to do.

And they see you come out of it victorious in one way or another.

They're like,

Okay,

I don't need to be beaten down by life.

I can do this.

And having self-esteem is being resilient and not being shameful with ourselves because shame destroys self-esteem.

So,

I find being real,

Authentic,

And not being self-shameful or having self-judgment,

Watching what you say.

So,

If,

You know,

Someone who has low self-esteem,

I see it so many times,

Parents who are so critical of their children is basically a projection of their own,

This love of their own flaws.

They need to have a perfect appearance,

So their kid needs to be perfect because in their eyes,

The child is a reflection of them.

Whereas if you have healthy self-esteem and your child fails in school,

It's not reflective that you're a bad parent.

It's just your kid struggles in school.

So,

A lot of people can be embarrassed by their kids and it just reflects their own insecurities.

I'm curious how that kind of plays into anxiety and how that can hurt our children because it sounds kind of,

You know,

Some of the things that we've talked about previously about anxiety and things like that.

Yeah,

So people who suffer from anxiety often have perfectionism.

They have control issues.

Things have to be a certain way and often parents who have self-esteem can be overprotective.

At an extreme case,

I've seen a parent involve their kids with their own fears.

So,

If you're scared of heights,

Let's say,

And you're always hovering over your child,

The child learns,

Oh,

Heights are dangerous even though they're protected,

Right?

Obviously not on the edge of a cliff.

So,

Kids pick up on our energy and our anxiety and parents often who have anxiety are overprotective.

So,

What the kid learns is I cannot navigate this difficulty.

So,

They don't develop confidence.

They don't trust that even if they fall,

They can get back up.

It's like,

Oh,

I can't fall.

So,

Parents who always are behind their kids so they don't fail,

Don't feel disappointment,

Never hear no,

Don't experience frustration.

Well,

These are kids when I see them and they're a bit older and they experience difficult emotions,

They have panic attacks,

They freak out,

They think they can't handle it.

So,

If we just learned that our kids will survive,

You know,

A little friend who rejects them and we walk them through it versus let me go talk to that mother,

See what this child did to my child.

Yeah.

So,

You hold your kid's hand,

You love them unconditionally and you teach them how to overcome difficult emotions.

So,

I mean,

Really by not kind of dealing with our own issues,

We're giving those issues to our kids,

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

A lot of times if a parent comes to me with a child who has anxiety,

I know one or both parents has anxiety and it's each and every time unless it's a specific phobia.

So,

If they're scared of a dog.

But often what I've seen more in my personal life,

I have dogs.

The kids who are scared of dogs have a parent who's scared of the dogs.

Hmm.

Makes sense.

So,

We pass on our fears and it's not because it's genetic,

It's learned behavior.

And you mentioned something too about kind of being overprotective of your child.

So,

That goes into like helicopter parenting,

Right?

Where you're just,

You're always there and making sure they're okay.

I mean,

Besides passing on the anxiety,

How does that affect the child?

Because they're not able to cope with other situations.

Yeah.

So,

They don't develop resiliency and the confidence that they can get through this.

They're constantly searching for reassurance or mom and dad to rescue them.

You know,

When I was teaching at university,

I had colleagues who were teaching 20 year olds whose parents would call the teacher.

When I was in university,

Your parents would never call the teacher.

My kid didn't get an A,

What's happening?

I've had one parent,

One patient who had severe anxiety and she was starting a pharmacy.

And she was so anxious,

She was making mistakes.

And she wanted,

The mom called me wanting me to write a letter so the university wouldn't kick her out of the program.

And I said,

Well,

If she makes mistakes that could threaten the life of someone,

I cannot write such a letter.

She needs to work on her anxiety.

She can't keep making mistakes on medication or not being able to assist patients.

So,

It can go that far.

So,

The child was learning instead of coping with anxiety,

I'm going to get letters,

Mom's going to rescue me,

A psychologist is going to rescue me.

Well,

Ethically,

I wasn't comfortable.

Right?

You're dealing with medicine here.

You're educating patients.

You could give misinformation.

So,

It can go that far.

So,

When you're dealing with self-esteem,

Right?

A lot of people,

You hear the put on a smile,

Fake it till you make it stuff.

How does that work in regards to children?

In regards to giving that advice to kids and in regards to doing it yourself for the kids?

If you're putting on a show or you convince them to put on a show,

Is it really like if I act like I'm confident,

I will become confident?

Or is it like this could be a dangerous road to go down?

Well,

It depends to what degree.

So,

Example,

I have a daughter and we live in a society where appearance of women is so important.

You need to be skinny.

You can't have wrinkles.

So,

I was always very cautious not to criticize my appearance in front of her or,

You know,

Oh,

I look like crap today kind of comments because I didn't want her to talk that way or to learn that it's okay to talk about myself that way.

We have good days.

Some days we look better than other days.

And oh,

Well,

So is that faking it?

No,

It's more self-acceptance that,

Yeah,

There are days you might have bags under your eyes and it's more acceptance than faking it.

If you totally fake it,

Kids pick up on falsehood.

I was always surprised.

There was a seven-year-old who literally said,

I don't remember if it was my mom or my dad,

Is a fake?

They're fake.

And I was like,

Wow,

Where did they get that word?

They could pick up on the fakeness if it's even a word because our body language betrays our thoughts.

So,

It's better,

Again,

To be authentic.

You know,

When they're older to go,

You know,

I have an issue with my appearance.

I'm still working on it.

When they're older,

You can maybe explain that.

But when they're little,

If,

For example,

You have a girl or a boy,

But I find the pressures are worse on girls,

Is never comment on their appearance.

That is judgmental.

You know,

Value the inside,

Who they are as a person versus their output,

How they look,

If they got a trophy.

Because what's going to happen when they don't win the trophy,

When they fail a class?

Self-esteem is not based on external output,

It's based on what's on the inside.

So,

If coming back to you,

Is it a slippery road?

Possibly.

I don't think you can fake it to that extent because it'll show,

Again,

Like I was saying at the beginning,

In the choices that you make.

So,

You could tell your child,

I think of a few families where there's dysfunction and sometimes abuse where they talk,

Self-esteem,

But in their behaviors,

The dynamic of the family,

There's disrespect,

Pushing boundaries,

Put downs,

Criticism,

That.

So,

If a child has to pick between words and behaviors,

The kids will learn from the behaviors.

So,

The words won't matter anymore.

So,

If you say,

You're beautiful from the inside out,

But in your behaviors,

You're constantly invalidating your child,

Comparing them to kids that you feel are better than,

Why can't you be like so and so?

Well,

Your actions will betray your words and if you're faking.

So,

I mean,

Let's maybe flip this around and talk about something a little more positive that our listeners or watchers can grab onto.

How can,

Say in this instance,

You're working on yourself and you're trying to model better behaviors for a child,

And you're really showing them more like unconditional love.

So,

How can that kind of reverse the maybe negative effects of past behaviors?

So,

First,

What is unconditional love,

Right?

Unconditional love is literally seeing your child for who they are,

Which means you got to take a step back,

Be fully present and observe your child and see how they unfold in front of you and you let go of all judgments and all aspirations you had for that child because your child is not there to live out your dreams.

So,

Unconditional love is basically that,

To love your child without conditions attached.

So,

If a child does well,

You give them tons of love and affection and when they don't behave the way you want,

You become passive aggressive,

You give the silent treatment,

The cold shoulder.

So,

Basically,

You change your love for them based on the output,

Which becomes conditional love.

So,

The child feels rejected and then you're starting to foster codependent behavior that way.

And they're learning,

Oh,

This part of me is not good,

Mommy or daddy.

So,

If they talk about art and you're like,

But suddenly they talk about science and you show an entrance while you're showing,

I don't really care when you talk about art,

But I really approve when you talk about science.

And the subtleties in your behavior is you're slowly teaching them when you're this way,

You're good,

When you're that way,

You're not good.

My mind just got blown a little bit.

I just want to throw that.

In what way was it?

Just,

I mean,

Say being,

Because maybe,

You know,

We'll use the art science as an example.

Maybe I'm not interested in science.

And so I don't,

You know,

I'm like,

Science.

It's cool,

I guess.

But that's just like my personal opinion,

But not supporting like my niece or my child or something.

I have a niece that I help raise.

So,

You know,

It can really teach her that science is something that's not good because she thinks I'm like not giving her love for it.

Yeah,

And if she loves science and you don't really love it,

It doesn't really matter.

You don't need to fake interest.

All you do is be curious.

Oh,

Tell me,

What do you like about science?

Because it has nothing to do with you,

Right?

So tell me,

What do you like about it?

What lights you up?

And then they start talking.

Yeah,

Tell me more about it.

So it becomes an exploration of the child versus,

Oh,

Great,

Now I have to love science and I find it so boring.

So when you shift the attention to the child and curiosity,

The topic doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah,

I did that literally earlier this year in April.

My best friend's son started to really love Pokémon and he wanted to play with Pokémon cards every single day and I was like,

Oh,

I hate this so much.

I hate this so,

So much.

You're such a good uncle.

I couldn't stand it.

I was literally like,

It was Easter and I was like,

If he pulls out these Pokémon cards and wants me to play with him one more time,

I'm going to freak out.

And I was like,

That is such a bad headspace to be in with him and I don't want to do that for anything.

You know what I mean?

I want to at least find what he loves about it.

And I did and I found a new friend who liked Pokémon and I was like,

Can you teach me about it so that I can at least,

I don't have to love it,

But just be able to understand what he's talking about.

And I was like,

You know,

I was a kid that quit sports to do theater.

And luckily,

My family didn't really care all that much.

But I know other people who did that hated,

That really judged you for the things that you liked because they didn't like them and they didn't see value in them.

So even though he's five and this is just like a card game,

I was like,

I'm going to at least find some way to be able to enjoy this and tolerate it.

I'm sorry,

I didn't want to tolerate it.

I wanted to find a way to enjoy what he was doing and support whatever he wanted to do.

And that was a little example,

Obviously,

Because that's such a small and significant thing.

For you,

But for him,

It's a big thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It made a difference.

Good job,

Ben.

Yeah,

I'm pretty awesome.

I love science and art,

By the way,

So I just wanted to throw that out there.

No judgment.

No judgment.

Just want to make sure.

Still not a huge fan of Pokémon.

You know what I do like about Pokémon cards?

I don't play the game.

I didn't like middle school,

But they have really cool art.

They used to do trading card events at GameStop and I just go through the book of the cards that we're supposed to trade these kids and I'm like,

This is some really badass art.

So there's always something that you can find in the things that your kids love to support them.

I support you,

Crystal.

Thanks.

My love of Pokémon card art.

Yeah.

So let's start to transition.

Gina,

Obviously,

There's so much more to cover on this topic that you might want to talk about.

We might want to talk about it at another time.

Do you have any final words on specifically childhood self-esteem?

Yeah,

If you don't know where to start,

I would say start with you.

That would be the easiest way because if you start learning how to love yourself unconditionally,

Then you'll be able to do it with your child.

It'll be a lot easier than trying the other way around.

100 percent.

All right.

Well,

Now it is time for everybody's favorite moment in the show,

The moment of gratitude.

Gina,

Why do we end every episode focusing on things that we're grateful for?

It really shifts our mindset instantaneously.

So if we're not doing well,

We just need to refocus and notice what's great.

Where's the gift,

What we're grateful for,

And it's an instant mindset shift which impacts our mood and how we feel.

All right.

Crystal,

What are you grateful for this week?

This week,

I am grateful for new beginnings.

We've been kind of plugging my website and my business,

Helping all the companies move online.

Hey,

Look,

There it is.

I'm really trying to focus on that and then I'm almost finished getting a certification to teach English as a second language.

So it's another opening I can use.

Yay.

Nice.

Teach English as a second language for whom?

Anyone that doesn't speak English.

Nice.

That's awesome.

Very nice.

New beginnings.

I like that.

It's my turn,

Isn't it?

It is.

Okay.

I'm going to go on where we started this episode tonight,

Which was self-esteem and self-confidence.

Obviously,

That was the whole theme of the episode.

Today,

I had sort of an unexpected conversation that was wrapped up in some fun stuff and just a plunge into the deep end of insecurities and self-esteem issues that I have personally.

And kind of the only area in which I have really bad self-esteem issues,

But I'm grateful because it was really nice and it was cathartic and I was doing good stuff during it.

And there's a moment when you talk about the things that you're not confident in,

Where you don't have self-esteem in,

And you push through and you're able to talk and you're able to vocalize things and whatnot.

There's always something better on the other side of that conversation,

Which is nice.

So I'm grateful for that today.

That's great.

Thanks,

Gina.

My turn?

It is your turn.

I don't mention her enough,

But I'm grateful for my dog,

Lola.

She's a boxer.

She's amazing.

She's going to be 11 years old and she just makes me laugh.

She's like a big baby.

And when things aren't so rosy,

I always snuggle with her and I always feel better.

So I'm grateful for Lola.

That's awesome.

Have we ever met Lola on the show?

Where is Lola?

She's always in a different part of the house,

Isn't she?

I could turn the camera.

Is she there?

Yeah.

Let's see Lola.

If you're comfortable turning the camera,

Let's see Lola.

Tell me when you see her because I don't see the camera.

There she is.

Can you put it down just a little?

The camera?

There we go.

Aww.

Hey,

Lola.

So for those of you listening to this on Insight Timer on the podcast later,

Check out the live video every Monday at 6 p.

M.

Eastern time.

And you can see fun stuff like Lola,

Dr.

Gina's dog,

Or any number of other fun things.

The crows in my backyard that try to get me during every podcast.

The photos in the background of where I am.

I don't know.

I got nothing.

Step your game up,

Crystal.

I will.

I will.

I got a clock in my room now,

But nobody's seen it because I'm outside so much.

So thank you guys very much.

Check out Crystal.

Bravenbouldwriter.

Com.

She can help you take your business online,

Get a website,

Whatever you need.

And check out Dr.

Madrigrano.

Com or Dr.

Gina CA if you are looking for any help in the coaching mindfulness parenting expertise area.

Is there anything else that I missed,

Guys?

No.

All right.

You are both amazing.

Thank you so much.

And that's it.

Have a good night and thanks.

Bye.

You too.

Bye,

Guys.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Great insights and reminders, thanks guys. Love and blessings 💖 x