The Power Of Validation

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses the power of validation in all relationships. She dives deep into explaining what is validation, the how-to, and how validation is also linked to self-esteem.

She discusses the benefits of validation in improving communication, processing emotions, developing acceptance, and trusting our intuition.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey everybody,

Welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

Today we are talking about the power of validation.

Dr.

Gina,

I'm so excited.

Let's talk about validation.

Yes,

I'm really excited about this.

I hope so.

It was your idea,

As always.

So obviously,

You know,

Validating somebody,

Validating children,

Validating your friends,

Validating your family,

And being validated.

You know,

These are all really heartwarming things,

But we're going to talk a lot about the benefits of validation,

The power of validation today.

So in your mind,

What do you think,

Just the broad outline before we get into the nitty gritty of it,

What do you think is the power of validation?

So first,

For clarity,

Let me just explain what I mean by validation.

Yes,

Please.

So validation is when someone is experiencing a feeling,

An emotion,

To validate them is to basically allow them to experience what they're experiencing without judgment and reflecting back that you understand how they feel if you were them.

When we validate someone,

Whether it's an adult,

A kid,

We don't have to agree with how they feel.

It has nothing to do with agreeing.

It's basically mirroring back that we understand how they feel,

And we reflect back our understanding of how they feel.

And what are some of the ways that that can really affect self-esteem?

So if,

Especially if we start young with children is when we don't make people wrong for how they feel,

It allows them to trust how they feel.

So part of self-esteem is basically trusting your inner GPS,

Knowing it's okay to feel the way you feel.

So when we invalidate whether it's a child or an adult,

We're basically sending the message that how they feel is wrong.

And especially with kids and maybe adults,

Then we internalize that as something's wrong with me.

But when we validate someone's feeling,

We basically see them.

We accept them.

We hold space for them.

And that inevitably feeds self-esteem in a positive way because there's no negative judgment on what this person's experiencing.

Right.

I feel like there's a lot of,

Like a classic example of validation is like validating,

And a classic case of where people butt heads on this is validating somebody's,

You know,

Because I think that we don't necessarily,

When we hear the word,

We don't necessarily even think in the sense of what you were just saying,

Where like,

You know,

You're saying to somebody like,

I understand that you're angry or you're upset,

You know.

But I feel like a lot of times,

And then this can affect self-esteem starting from a young age of a kid,

Is we don't validate their feelings around like their dreams and their ambitions,

You know.

And then they don't think,

Like the idea of telling kids like you can grow up to do anything and you can grow up to be anything,

And then when that kid says,

I want to be a dancer,

Mommy,

And you say,

Okay,

But you should go get a,

That's a nice dream,

Honey,

But you know,

You're not going to be a ballerina.

You'll get a real job.

You should get a real job,

Like all of a sudden that cuts off their self-esteem.

You know,

It's not necessarily even about the ballerina.

It's about the smaller version of it,

Which is what you were saying to begin with,

You know,

Like you're not hearing them.

You're not hearing them.

You're not seeing them,

And you're imposing your own agenda on them.

And then,

So as far as self-esteem goes,

That really can like cut somebody off as far as like,

I'm not good enough to be heard.

Yeah.

Where I'm not going to be able to be,

Yeah.

I can't trust what I love,

What I like.

It creates self-doubt and again,

Self-judgment.

I see a lot now with young adults I'm working with who are highly anxious and struggling.

They've internalized this being invalidated by their parents.

You know,

Parents mean well,

But without knowing they're invalidating because usually when people don't argue with you sharing joy,

Where we get trumped up is when we share what we label as a negative feeling and we're like,

No,

No,

You're fine.

You'll be okay.

No,

It's not this.

No,

It's not that.

And then you bypass the process of processing that emotion.

If that child feels that,

Allow them to feel that so that the emotion can be seen and heard.

And then that allows the child or the adult to process it.

Then we can talk about alternatives or just hearing them out.

Right.

So when a so like,

For example,

If a child doesn't want to eat dinner,

Right,

And they are and you get into a fight with them about dinner,

You're denying it.

I'm asking this more than I'm saying it definitively.

But are you denying that they're not hungry by by saying,

No,

You have to eat right now?

Like this is so first I would check why they don't want to eat.

Right.

Right.

But let's let's assume.

Yeah,

They don't want to eat because they're really not hungry.

Yeah.

And we keep pushing.

Well,

They're learning.

OK,

I'm not hungry,

But I guess I have to eat anyways.

And then we wonder when they grow up,

Grow up while they're not their bottomless pit.

They keep eating even when they're not hungry.

And it's like,

OK,

You're you're not hungry.

You can still sit with us.

But yeah,

We if it's denying them,

Then they learn to not trust that feeling.

So that feeling of being full.

If you invalidate that,

They're learning to not trust that gut feeling.

Well,

I'm not hungry.

Why should I eat?

Right.

So then it's another question if it's because they ate junk and candy,

Then it's a whole parenting.

Right.

Yeah.

That's like,

OK,

Then you shouldn't punish them.

Even if they did eat junk and they're full.

Well,

Too bad you ate junk.

Now you have to eat dinner.

It's then you do the discipline and the course correcting in the future.

But you're like,

You see,

You're full now.

So,

Of course,

You're not going to eat dinner,

But you're still going to sit with us because we want to spend time together.

But this is why we don't eat candy or chocolate before dinner,

Because then we're not hungry for the real healthy food.

Right.

That's that's what being full feels like.

So validating is,

Yeah,

How does it feel in your belly?

Yeah,

That like you can't get more food in.

Yeah,

That's what full feels like.

Or let's go to anger.

Right.

So let's go to let's go to anger because I think that that's even a better example.

We used in a previous episode,

We used a description of like you want to go to the beach and it rains and that stinks,

You know,

Or I don't know when this is going out,

But yesterday was Halloween here in Rhode Island.

It was a really bad storm for Halloween and trick or treating was almost canceled.

And people were freaking out about whether or not you should reschedule treating or not,

You know,

Because Halloween's only one day or resisting the isness of it was raining.

And but but for example,

Like so you have something that you want to do that's contingent on another thing that's out of your control.

And then when you're out of,

You know,

When you want to go to the beach,

But it rains or you want to do something,

But now mom or dad has to take you somewhere else.

And you're you can't do it.

Right.

So then that child gets angry.

Yeah.

And if your response,

I would assume by given what you were saying about the food,

If your response is stop crying.

Yeah,

There's no reason to be angry about this.

Get over it.

It's over.

We're not going to the beach.

Move on.

You know,

Then they that they don't know that that they could be upset about things that are upsetting.

Yeah,

They learn that anger is a bad thing.

But anger is a useful emotion,

Just as useful as all the other emotions.

Right.

So validating it.

So the kid gets all angry because they can't go to the beach.

And let's say you decide to go to the movies and you're like,

Yeah,

Don't cry.

We'll be grateful.

We're going to the movies.

And right away we lecture.

We've just skipped an important step,

Which is validation.

So the important step would be to go.

I know it sucks,

Doesn't it?

I wanted to go to the beach,

Too.

I'm so disappointed.

It's raining.

I get it.

You know what?

I'm angry,

Too,

That we can't go to the beach.

So,

Yeah,

We're all angry.

You know why we're angry?

Because it meant a lot to us to go there.

That's what anger is telling us that this really mattered.

If we weren't angry,

Maybe it's because we didn't really care to go to the beach.

But yeah,

I think you and I are really angry now because we really counted on this.

We had so many fun plans.

Then anger can dissipate,

Right?

Anger,

Sadness,

Frustration,

Whatever is the real emotion behind that.

And then once the emotion is calm,

Once it's validated,

Then we can go in the thinking brain and go,

OK,

We can't change that.

So that's the acceptance,

Right?

Hmm.

What should we do instead?

Oh,

Well,

Look,

There's the great movie you wanted to see at the theater.

Let's go.

Let's go there instead.

And that's why validation is so important,

Because unless you validate,

You cannot get to the proper processing and problem solving part of it,

Because you stay stuck in the emotional brain and the emotional brain can't solve problems because that's not its job.

And if you're cutting that off,

It's like a pipe,

Right?

So it's like a pipe.

And if you're or a hose and you're putting a kink in it,

Then they can't get to the trusting of the emotion that you talked about or the.

.

.

You know,

They can't fully process it.

They can't get to.

.

.

It's a way to.

.

.

OK,

If I get angry,

Mom's going to yell at me.

Dad's going to yell at me.

You know,

Like if I can't handle something,

It's a bad thing.

Like it creates a fear around emotions.

Yeah.

It creates a fear around feeling emotions.

Right?

Right.

Especially the ones we label as negative.

Like,

Technically,

None of them are positive or negative.

There's just some are pleasant and some are not as pleasant.

Right.

But yeah,

Then kids and adults become scared of emotions.

And it's like,

OK,

Let's not talk about it.

Let's squash it.

Let's push it away in the background.

Let's do everything but process this feeling.

Right?

I think that's a great point.

And let's switch gears to talk about adults because I think.

.

.

Let's talk about self-validation.

Yeah.

Because something that I think that has come up in my mind a lot as we've been having this conversation is we kink our own hose.

We shut off our own pipe when it comes to processing our own emotions.

We try to not let ourselves get angry or we feel bad about getting angry or we don't want to be sad.

So we stuff it down,

You know,

Instead of accepting the emotion and validating our own emotions.

Like,

How big of a problem do you think as far as adults go,

Like not validating our own emotions is?

It is a problem because it's no different than with kids.

If we don't validate it,

We don't give it a voice.

And our emotions,

Which start as feelings,

It shows up in our body first and then our brain labels it with the name of an emotion.

Our emotions and our feelings are there to guide us and tell us what matters to us,

What doesn't matter if someone has crossed a boundary or not.

So if we don't validate our own emotion,

Then the steps we take after that are not necessarily steps that are in our own best interest.

So,

Example,

Guilt.

If I feel I should say no to an invitation somewhere,

But I don't because it's a nice person and I feel guilty to say no.

I'm just going to stay with the guilt and not look at why do I want to say no.

So I'm going to say yes when I really I mean no.

And then I go and I resent this person.

So it leads to a chain reaction of choices that are not necessarily in our own best interest.

Whereas if we went to the initial emotion,

Let's say is I don't want to go to that party anymore because I'm tired,

I'm exhausted.

I said I would go.

But when I said yes,

I wasn't tired.

Well,

My self-care is telling me I need to rest.

I'm tired.

So I need to pay attention to that emotion and then make a choice based on that emotion and not based on guilt because guilt is what's going to stuff it in the background.

Right.

Yeah.

So if we can't validate ourselves,

We can't validate others.

We don't learn how to validate children.

If we have some we learn to validating our own emotions is actually a part of self-care,

Right?

Giving them a voice and expressing those emotions.

Relationships are you know you were just touching on it,

Whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a relationship with a parent and child or friends.

Like how how ridiculously important is validation in that scenario,

Especially with communication between those two people?

Yes,

If I think of couples,

Couples I've seen who keep arguing and you know the volume goes up and up and up.

Usually it's a sign when people repeat or the volume goes up and the frustration goes up is because we feel invalidated.

So when I work with couples,

I teach them first you need to validate each other's feelings so that the defenses can go down.

If we invalidate the person in front of us,

Automatically they'll go on defense mode and then it'll be tit for tat.

Yeah,

Well you said this and then there's no support between both.

So they're not acting from a place that's constructive.

It's just based on defensiveness,

Right?

So it improves relationship because when we validate basically we're saying I see you,

I get you.

If I were you,

I would probably see things this way so it feels safe.

The person can relax,

Communicate assertively,

Express what they're feeling and then they reciprocate,

Right?

The other person can do the same and then you can problem solve from a place of calm and not from defensiveness,

Which usually won't get you very far.

You just brought up assertiveness.

How can validation,

Validating,

Do you think that validating leads to assertiveness and not validating shuts that off as well?

Or like what do you think the relationship is between validation and being assertive in situations?

So being assertive entails that it has to do with someone else,

Right?

Whether it's a community or one on one.

To be able to assert yourself,

So communicate in a non-aggressive,

Non-passive,

Non-passive aggressive way,

So appropriately means you have to speak in I messages,

Which I,

This is how I feel.

So to be able to be assertive,

You need to validate your own feelings.

So identify how you feel and allow yourself to feel that way without judgment.

And then communicate that to the other person without attacking and speaking about them because our feelings are our feelings.

You know,

Like I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said,

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

So expressing ourselves assertively means we're not blaming the other or controlling the other.

It's about me.

So being assertive is speaking in I messages about our feelings and our needs.

And to do that,

We need to validate ourselves.

It's really interesting.

I,

You know,

The title is The Power of Validation.

And I,

Going into this episode,

Had no idea how important validation was and the real power.

Like I really didn't,

Which is crazy.

And you can tell,

Like,

Go back and listen to the opening,

The opening of this episode and the way that I introduced it.

The way that I introduced it was something completely different than what it is,

Which I think is great.

Like,

This is so much deeper than I thought because I think that when you do,

And I think that that shows,

And I could be,

You know,

I could be the odd person out on this for sure.

I think I could,

But I feel like I'm probably not.

I feel like we don't think about validating other people's feelings.

And I feel like we don't think about validating our own feelings.

I feel like we take it all for granted.

And I feel like it's probably the single biggest problem with interpersonal relationships and with like depression and stuff like that,

Is that we just don't take the time to accept that this is happening.

You know,

To accept that this is that person's point of view,

To accept that this is the emotion that that person is feeling.

Like we're all living in our own created worlds in our head.

And we're projecting onto other people what we think they should feel,

What we should think their responses should be,

What we think our responses should be.

Like I feel like we are living in a simulation.

It's just in our own head.

And we're not accepting the world around us.

And that's causing a lot of friction between everything.

And the answer to that,

I now know,

Is validation.

Yeah,

And it connects to the four agreements,

Right?

It's a lot easier to validate ourselves and others if we think of others,

If we don't make assumptions,

If we don't take their emotions personally,

If we know how they react is about them,

It's not about us,

Then we can validate them.

And again,

Like you come back to the word acceptance.

Acceptance doesn't mean I have to agree.

I just have to see things for what they are without taking it personally.

And then it's easier to validate because it gets you off the hook.

You don't need to agree.

You just need to see things based on the other person's projections.

And so,

Like you said,

That's how they see the world.

That's how they perceived something.

And if they perceived a situation in a certain way,

Of course they would be sad or angry or happy because that's how they experienced it,

Which has nothing to do with us.

Well,

It's time for our moments of gratitude to end the show.

And I have a couple different things that I could say.

First of all,

I just want to say,

Because I'll go first because you should go second.

I mean,

You should end.

Not you should go second.

You should end.

That is how I want to frame that.

But first I want to say that I'm grateful for you,

Gina,

And for these conversations and for this because,

As I said,

I learned something great today in the last 25 minutes during the show.

Secondly,

Today is,

I'm grateful for this.

And I'm going to do a whole video that will already be out by the time you're watching this and you can find me and check that out if you're interested.

But 10 years ago today,

I almost died.

I had H1N1,

Swine flu,

As it was commonly known.

It was an epidemic in 2009 in the United States,

At least,

And some kids had it in a play that I was doing.

And they came,

Even though they were ridiculously sick,

They still came and did the show and they hugged me afterwards.

And I got sick and I ignored it because I didn't have health insurance.

So I was like,

It's just the flu.

I'll be fine.

And then I went to the hospital and they were like,

You're quarantined.

And then I crashed on Halloween night.

And I got sent to the Yale University Health Center.

And they put me in a coma for two weeks.

Just a bunch of horrible,

Horrible stuff.

Systems were shutting down and they were like,

You're going to be in the hospital for months and months and months.

And I wasn't,

I was back in Rhode Island by Thanksgiving and I was back home in early December.

And everything came back and everything was great.

So I'm grateful that I've had 10 amazing years since.

I'm also grateful,

And this is what the video that I'm talking about it in on my YouTube channel is.

You think that when you have like a big thing like that,

Right?

That like it changes your life.

And it didn't.

And you have to make a choice to change your life.

You know,

And I think that that's something that I'm grateful for that I know.

And I think that's a powerful thing.

That's something that I want to share with people.

So yeah,

So the video is called How I Almost Died and It Didn't Change My Life.

And yeah,

But I'm grateful to be here and grateful for 10 years and to be in relatively really good health right now.

Wow,

That's amazing.

Yeah,

I did not know that I was going to share that.

I know you had been sick,

But I didn't know it was that bad.

Yeah,

So if you see it on the video right now,

This is a scar from a tracheostomy that they did.

But anyway,

Yeah.

So Tina.

So you've just impacted my grateful pitch.

So I had something else,

But that'll be for another time.

I'm grateful you survived because had you not,

I wouldn't be doing this.

And I picked you.

I've been wanting to do a podcast for over five years,

But I was a chicken.

And I found you through Glenn.

And you've put me such at ease that I credit me being able to do this because of you.

So I'm very grateful you survived.

Thank you,

Gina.

That's really nice.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Well,

You can find everything in the show notes for where you can find Gina.

DrMadrigorano.

Com.

She's available for sessions and all of that stuff.

And there's a lot of great resources and content on her website as well.

If you like the show,

Like it,

Leave a comment wherever you're listening to it or watching it.

That would really help and tell your friends.

So thank you so much,

Gina.

And I hope you.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Well,

Thank you and have a great weekend.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to DrMadrigorano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

What an interesting and informative show. Thank you for your insights. I'd like to say that I am also grateful for Ben, he's a gem! Much love to you both 💙x

Very important concept. A good idea to incorporate in all your relationships.