Signs Of Coercive Control By Narcissists In Conversation

In this episode, we’re breaking down the subtle but dangerous ways narcissists use coercive control in conversations to manipulate, destabilize, and maintain dominance over others. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling mentally foggy, emotionally drained, or questioning your thoughts, you may have been subjected to narcissistic coercion without even realizing it.

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that narcissists use to undermine your confidence, distort your reality, and keep you second-guessing yourself. Unlike overt aggression, these tactics often fly under the radar, making them difficult to recognize until the damage is already done.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

There's a reason a narcissist uses rapid-fire conversation and rapid-fire questioning when dealing with you.

There's a reason a narcissist wants to trip you up.

There are reasons narcissists come in hot and heavy and fast and furious when in a conversation with you.

When narcissists talk over you and ask you tons of questions,

Their intention is not genuine curiosity.

It's not like they're trying to really connect to you.

It's not like they're trying to have a real conversation.

Instead,

They are using manipulative tactics.

Get this,

Dear one.

Understand this.

They are trying to dominate,

Control,

And even destabilize you mentally,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

And cognitively.

Here are some of the things when you're thinking about a narcissist's intention.

Because every time you have a conversation with someone,

You have to start thinking about what is this person's intention.

Number one,

They're trying to establish dominance.

By interrupting you and talking over you,

They're asserting power in the conversation.

They're signaling that what they have to say is more important than your thoughts or your feelings and that what they're saying is more valid than your thoughts or your feelings.

Number two,

They're trying to disorient you.

They're trying to confuse you.

Think about rapid-fire questioning.

It is overwhelming.

It overwhelms your brain.

It forces you into a fight or flight,

And it makes it hard for you to think clearly.

This keeps you off balance so they can control the narrative.

Number three,

This type of rapid-fire conversation and lots of questioning,

It forces you into a state of defensiveness.

By bombarding you with questions,

They push you into justifying yourself.

That's where you can make mistakes.

That's where you can say things that you don't even mean and reveal information that you were never intended to reveal.

This makes you feel like you're on trial.

When you're in defensive mode,

Dear one,

You're easier to manipulate.

That's why shutty-shutty is so valuable.

Number four,

They're trying to trap you in a contradiction.

They may ask you the same thing over and over and over in different ways.

In turn,

They'll twist your words to make it seem like you're being inconsistent,

Giving them an excuse to attack your credibility.

And that you must be aware of.

Number five,

To dismiss your perspective.

Remember,

When you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic,

Your opinion doesn't matter,

And it's all about controlling the narratives.

They do this to dismiss your perspective.

It's their way of saying,

You are irrelevant.

They don't want to hear you.

They want to control you.

But they also want to control you from the inside out.

Number six,

They do it to trigger emotional reactions.

Remember,

Narcissists can't sustain its own energy.

It needs energy from the outside.

When you feel unheard,

When you feel dismissed or invalidated,

You're more likely to get upset.

If you react emotionally,

They'll use it against you.

They'll call you crazy,

Or they'll say that you're too sensitive,

Or you're uncaring,

Or even overreacting.

And number seven,

They talk over you to extract information for future manipulation.

They may ask you probing questions to gather details that they can later use against you,

Whether to guilt trip you,

To blackmail you,

Or to manipulate your emotions.

So what can you do?

What can you do when you know that you're in a situation with someone who is doing this to you?

The first thing is to remain calm.

The first thing is to rely on the one thing that you have complete control over in your life that will absolutely keep the fight or flight response in check,

And that is taking a deep breath.

This is free.

No one can control it in you.

And just taking a deep breath,

Maybe with a big sigh,

A couple of times you do that while you're talking to someone who's using rapid fire on you,

And that will immediately prevent your nervous system from going into fight or flight.

Now,

Remember,

A narcissist wants you in fight or flight.

When you are in fight or flight,

When you are afraid,

You could be rambling.

And sometimes you are anticipating their next question.

And that takes you into the future.

So rather than being present in the now and really being strategic about the person that you're dealing with,

If you get,

Let's say,

An email from someone that triggers you,

Or your coworker is a narcissist or highly narcissistic,

And they're questioning you,

You can get truly defensive.

And one of the easiest things that you can do,

And I think it is your superpower to disarm a narcissist,

At least to disarm your nervous system towards a narcissist,

Is to take a deep breath.

Their agenda is to slide you into fight or flight.

And when you take a deep breath,

You're basically saying you no longer have permission to trigger me.

You no longer have permission to activate Amy the amygdala.

You no longer have permission to put me in a place where I'm defending myself to you.

Once you take a deep breath,

Then the next thing that you want to do is you want to pause.

You want to be very contemplative regarding the questions that someone is asking you.

So you take a deep breath,

You pause.

And then what I want you to do is I want you to think about what this person's intentions are.

Another strategy that you can use is just reframe the question,

Ask them the question back.

Someone asking you why you are five minutes late.

And maybe you're not five minutes late.

Maybe the narcissist asked you to show up at that time.

But dealing with a narcissist,

They may insinuate that they actually told you a different time.

So you're in a double bind situation.

You can't win.

You might take a deep breath,

See it for what it is,

Hit the pause button,

Be contemplative and ask them the question back.

So you're asking me why it is that I was five minutes late.

Is that what you're asking me?

And that gives you time to pause.

So now it is,

It can be difficult to like get in the habit of doing this,

But the more that you do it,

The easier it becomes.

So what you're doing is reframing the question.

Another thing that I have used in my own life is when I'm able to catch myself before I go down the rabbit hole,

Being triggered by someone who I feel is trying to undermine me,

Is I asked them the question from this perspective.

I asked them,

Why are you asking me that question?

Why is this so important to you?

What is it that you're really asking me about?

What are you really upset about?

So I asked those questions sort of like to get myself off the ropes.

One thing that I've learned is that the person who asks the questions is generally the person that's in control.

It's sort of like the person sitting behind the steering wheel of a car is the person that's in control of that car.

Same thing.

The person that is asking the questions is the person that's in control.

Now if you're dealing with someone who is healthy,

Any questions that they ask you,

They're asking for more data.

They're trying to understand you.

They're trying to get from point A to point B.

Not so with someone who's highly narcissistic.

A narcissist asks questions for very different reasons.

They're trying to get you to bend to their will.

For some narcissists,

It's like a game.

How long is it going to take for her to break before she does what I want her to do?

Or how long is it going to take before he breaks before he cries uncle and he just gives me what I want?

And so when we're dealing with people who are highly narcissistic,

We need to identify these people in our life so that we know how we're supposed to deal with them when we're around them.

It sounds crazy,

But it's true.

You cannot walk out into the world and treat everybody the same way because there are just people who will take advantage of your kind nature.

If you are highly empathic,

They will exploit that empathy.

Empaths have a deep need to be understood.

And they also have an innate ability to feel other people's feelings.

If you have high empathy and someone comes at you and they're very angry,

Then you will take on those emotions and below the veil of consciousness,

You'll try to fix those emotions in the other person.

So you'll miss this completely.

You won't understand how an empath has to learn to deal with someone who's highly narcissistic.

So before you walk into the lion's den,

You want to try to remember that when you're dealing with highly narcissistic people,

You have to remain at a fight or flight.

When you are in fight or flight,

You are going to say things that you don't necessarily need to reveal to a narcissist.

You're going to lose your ability to stay strategic.

Narcissists want you in the right side of the brain.

Narcissists do not want you to hit the pause button,

Find yourself in the middle of your brain and shuffled over to the left side where you can be analytical,

You can be contemplative,

And you can really see the situation for what it is.

I believe in teaching cognitive skills.

I believe in teaching people how to calm their nervous system.

I believe in helping people identify those people in their lives that are toxic to them,

As well as identifying the traits in them that make them susceptible to this type of toxic conversation.

Certainly if you are codependent,

You're going to struggle with abandonment issues.

If you are codependent,

You are going to struggle with needing to be needed.

If you are codependent,

You are going to struggle with setting boundaries.

If you are codependent and you have been love-bombed by someone who's highly narcissistic,

And you have told them all your boo-boos,

They know everything about you,

You're really going to struggle when this person turns on you and they start using this sacred information against you.

But that doesn't mean that you can't learn these skills.

That doesn't mean that you can't learn how to self-preserve.

That doesn't mean that you can't stand up to someone.

And that doesn't mean that you can't practice these skill sets.

Their goal is control,

Not connection.

So the more you understand their agenda,

The more you understand their tactics,

The more you understand what you struggle with,

And the more you practice,

The less power they will have over you.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

A very helpful talk. Really good and practical advice. I wish you wouldn’t use terms that you’ve come up with like, shutty shutty Because I don’t know what it means. And when I google it, I can’t find any definition for it.🥰🌹🌈🥰🌹🌈🥰🌹🌈🥰🌹🌈

Great

Thank you. 🙏