Raised To Ignore Your Feelings As A Child: Long Term Effects Of Childhood Emotional Neglect

When you are raised by parents who have their own unresolved trauma, they can miss the mark while raising you. One of the long-term effects of childhood emotional neglect is being brainwashed to ignore your own feelings. As a result, many adult children of narcissistic, alcoholic, or immature parents grow up guessing at what normal is.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Namaste,

Lisa A.

Romano here,

The breakthrough life coach.

And today I want to talk about abuse by omission,

Which I think is a really clever term to describe what so many of us from dysfunctional homes experience.

If you're like me,

You lived in a home that was not overtly abusive.

And it's difficult when you come from a home like that when what's wrong is what's missing.

When you grow up,

You don't have things to point out for why you're perfectionistic or why you're bulimic or why you cut yourself or why you are neurotic or why you can't get along with others or why you're impulsive or why you're a risk taker or why intimate relationships make you uncomfortable or why you have trouble in your relationships or why you are so critical of others and so ridiculously critical of yourself and so sensitive when other people have anything to say about you whatsoever.

Adult children of alcoholics are super,

Super,

Super,

Super sensitive.

Their skin is raw and they have been abused.

And the problem is very often they aren't aware that their skin is raw because they haven't had the experience of having their pain objectified.

And so when you're a small child and you're crying and no one gives a crap,

The message is that my feelings don't matter.

And so what will happen is that feeling never gets to come through the chakra system and go out through the crown chakra.

So it gets stuck.

And just like you can tie a knot in a garden hose and you can imagine all the pressure below the knot,

That's what happens in our bellies.

That's what happens in our bowel.

That's what happens in our gut.

And that's what happens in our heart.

We get blocked.

In my opinion,

Emotions are simply energy in motion.

So that means that energy and emotions are supposed to just stay in motion.

So just like when someone has a heart block and the heart just stops or a cardiac arrest and heart just stops.

And it's no different with emotions.

Emotions are supposed to flow.

They're not supposed to stop.

When you are a small child,

You have to remember also that anatomically,

Physiologically,

We're all limbic system,

Meaning we're all emotional.

Children are emotional.

When they're looking at mommy and daddy through their eyes,

Everything,

What's coming back and the data that's being received back into this little being is emotional data.

It's not logic and reason.

Oh,

Daddy's drunk again.

That's why he's being mean.

Or mommy's being passive aggressive again,

Because her mother was mean to her.

That's not what happens.

When you're a little kid,

Everything is received and transmitted through the emotional field.

And so when we have a feeling and we go to mommy or daddy with it and it is ignored or it is treated with indifference or it is mocked or you receive the message that we don't care,

Shut the hell up.

You're acting.

Stop being a baby.

There's this complete,

Oh,

There's a shutdown and the feelings can't flow.

And I think a lot of us suffer with heart palpitations because the energy gets,

In my opinion,

I used to feel things in my chest and my stomach for sure.

And now I understand that the emotions that were supposed to come up never were allowed to come through my throat chakra because no one said,

How do you feel?

Yes,

You matter.

And so as a child,

I was denied the throat chakra experience,

Meaning I wasn't allowed to say mommy,

I'm scared or mommy,

I'm angry or mommy,

I'm depressed or mommy,

I'm confused.

The energy never got that far.

It was always stuck in my heart and then I shunted a teastomach and I had gastrointestinal problems and I had anxiety.

And so I understand now that on a quantum level,

You cannot separate the emotional field from the physical field.

So our emotions,

If they're not coming through our throat chakra,

We're not able to speak our truth and we're not able to see our truth with third eye chakra.

And we're not allowed to just let it go and become enlightened and figure out what our truth is supposed to be telling us.

If we're denied that experience,

This energy gets blocked in our chest,

Gets shunted back down into the chakra system,

Into the nervous system.

And it's like locked energy and it's sort of like pressure that's building up in a pressure cooker.

Now that energy has to go somewhere.

It doesn't just go nowhere.

The energy is locked in ourselves.

And I think that's what anxiety is this.

We can't relax because this energy that from time we were little that was supposed to be allowed to come up,

The energy is what our emotions,

We haven't been allowed to experience those emotions.

So we're shunting it and it's being experienced in the body because it has nowhere else to go,

But into our body cells.

And so we have to also understand how the brain works.

So if I feel anxiety,

My body senses anxiety.

Well,

Every nerve in my body is connected to my brain.

And there is a default system in the brain,

The pain versus pleasure default system.

So if I experience pain in my body,

The brain senses pain,

What the brain wants to do then is to seek pleasure.

And so I think that's why so many of us eat,

Overeat.

We get nervous and we eat because there is a soothing effect to,

You know,

Ice cream can soothe you.

It's a comfort food.

It's fatty.

It's sugar.

The receptors in the brain,

You know,

Start to wake up.

Serotonin is released.

And so there is a chemical boost.

There is a chemical lift when you feel anxiety and you go eat food.

Now the problem with that is,

Is that the brain can't rationalize its choices.

The brain is,

The brain itself,

The default settings are very instinctive and innate.

It takes consciousness.

It takes the prefrontal cortex where logic and reason resides.

But we need to have neural pathways built and we have to grow neural pathways to the prefrontal cortex in order for us to experience something like that.

So it sounds like this.

Let's say I'm coming through the codependent recovery journey and God knows I had to go through this.

And I come to a point in my life where I understand that I'm supposed to ask myself how I feel.

Now,

Again,

Going to the title of this video,

Being Abused by Omission,

The reason that's part of my recovery and probably very,

Very early stages of my recovery is to learn how to process my feelings is because I experienced abuse by omission.

I was not taught that my feelings mattered.

And so my life was a mess because I was seeking validation outside of myself.

I was dating people who look good on paper.

I wasn't paying attention to how these people made me feel.

So my life's a mess.

So now I get it.

Boom.

I'm codependent.

I know why I am overly critical of my children.

I know why I'm overly critical of myself.

I know why I'm overly critical of my home because I never feel like I'm enough.

I do things because I want you to validate me.

I don't get that validation and now I'm pissed.

I'm pissed.

So after a certain amount of time,

I'm tired.

My eyes are externally focused.

My heart's not in the right place.

I'm irritable as a mom.

My blood sugar's at a whack.

I'm suffering from anxiety.

The slightest piece of lint on the rug is going to turn me into a raging lunatic.

And so now I realize I'm codependent.

A lot of my anxiety comes from living a codependent life.

I'm codependent because of my childhood.

I was taught to be codependent.

Pieces are starting to fall into place,

Which is what I do.

I help people bring the pieces together and support them on their healing journey to abundance.

And so it's a very topsy-turvy time for someone to say,

I'm codependent and I'm codependent mom and I've made some mistakes and yada,

Yada,

Yada.

Okay,

Fine.

So now you understand that your job is to learn how to feel your feelings.

So let's say you realize you're going to leave a narcissist relationship.

You're going to leave a narcissist expense.

You have to figure out how you feel about that decision.

If you feel nervous,

You say to yourself,

Wow,

I feel nervous.

I feel nervous.

Wow.

I feel nervous.

You say it out loud over and over.

I feel nervous.

I feel nervous.

You're trying to discharge the negative charge to this,

I feel nervous and I feel anxiety because what'll happen is the brain has these ideas that anxiety is bad.

So when you remember the brain is very simple.

It wants to seek pleasure versus pain.

So if you feel you're on this healing journey,

I have to leave this relationship.

It's not growing.

He's bringing me down.

He's confusing me.

I don't trust him.

He is talking in circles.

We never get from point A to point B.

I'm spiritually dying.

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

I want to leave.

Boom.

Okay.

You accept that reality.

I want to leave.

How do you feel about that reality?

It makes me nervous.

You have to work on discharging the negative charge to that reality because if you don't,

What'll happen is the default setting of the brain will kick in.

Oh,

There's pain,

Danger,

Danger,

Danger.

And the template that you've been running your life that has you afraid and walking in fear and then running from fear and going back into the comfort zone will prevent you from moving forward.

So on the journey,

What you want to do is accept how you feel about your decisions.

It's going to be difficult for you because you've never ever,

Ever learned how to accept how you feel.

No one gives a crap.

Okay.

So now it's your job to teach yourself these life skills.

And I'm trying to help you because I want you to be happy as I am.

Seriously.

So you want to leave the narcissist.

You're feeling nervous.

I feel nervous.

I feel nervous.

I feel anxious.

I feel anxious.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Third step.

What do I want to do about it?

Now your third step must support the first step.

So how,

What am I going to do about how I feel?

Well,

I know that I'm never going to be happy in this relationship and I know that ultimately I want to be happy.

I know that ultimately I want to teach my children a new template.

I want them to know what it looks like to be in a loving relationship with someone else.

So I know that I have to get out of this relationship.

So in spite of my fear,

What I'm going to do is I am going to at least go talk to a divorce attorney just for today.

Let me go secretly go talk to a divorce attorney.

Let me just get my ducks in a row and see how I feel about divorcing him and or her and see how I feel about undoing and detaching from this difficult relationship.

I cannot stress enough the idea that you and I,

And those of us who have come from dysfunctional homes,

Who are now adults,

Who find ourselves married once,

Twice,

Three times,

Four times,

Who married one narcissist and thought we figured it out and then married another one.

You got to let that go.

That was all part of the learning process.

There's no shame involved.

We,

For the first part of our life,

We're literally in a dream state.

We lived in a dream state.

We were unaware.

We were unaware.

At this stage of our lives,

However,

We get to change everything.

We get to throw away the old template,

Which I do healing meditations with my clients and we kind of like zone in on these old templates and we get,

We crack them and we start creating new ones.

And you absolutely have the right and the ability and everything that you need to do that is truly within you.

I can't stress enough,

However,

That it's so important that you know,

Yes,

You absolutely understand what went wrong and how you were overtly abused.

You can figure that out,

But it's really difficult for those of us who were abused by omission because that which we are missing is data.

And so on this healing journey,

You will discover that you don't know what normal is.

You don't know what you should be looking for.

You don't know how you should be approaching the dating scene.

You don't know what you should tolerate and what you should not tolerate.

You don't know,

Well,

I guess that's how all men are pigs.

All men check out other women when they're out to dinner with their wives.

No,

Dear one,

That's not true.

And you don't want that guy.

I've had male clients tell me that I just thought that all women were insecure and all women cried all the time and all women threw glasses against the wall when they got their period.

No,

Dear ones,

That's not true.

Not all women behave that way.

That's unacceptable behavior.

So now what's really,

Really beautiful is as you move forward,

You learn to use your heart,

Which I call the North Star,

As your guidance system.

And so when you're around someone and you don't like what's being said,

You can tune into that and just make an analysis and say,

Okay,

Put that on your notebook.

Remember,

When you're dating,

When you're coming through the veil of consciousness and you start dating again,

Your agenda is to interview the person that shows up for that date.

So often what codependents do is this,

They're sitting across from someone and going in their head,

I hope he likes me.

I hope he thinks I'm funny.

I hope he thinks I'm pretty.

I hope he calls me back.

I wonder if he's going to call me back.

Oh,

I'll have a salad.

I don't want him to think I'm a pig,

Or I won't order dessert because I don't want him to think that in 10 years I'm going to be a fat cow.

So I'm not going to order dessert,

But the cherry pie really looks good.

This is what codependents do when they're dating and men do it too.

It's not just women.

So that's just not the way to go about it,

Dear ones.

But if you lived your life wondering if you were enough for mom,

That's your template.

If you lived your life wondering if you were enough for dad,

Then that's your template.

So when you're with people,

You're wondering,

Am I enough?

Am I enough?

How can I impress them?

It's all about trying to get their validation.

And that is truly what we need to break.

We need to break those patterns and start tuning into self.

But part of this journey,

Dear ones,

Is to understand that sometimes it becomes those of us who came from homes that look perfect,

That where we,

Mommy wasn't drunk and mommy wasn't depressed and daddy wasn't philandering.

You know,

Daddy was sitting at the damn kitchen table.

He just wasn't talking to us.

Or daddy was up in his office and he wasn't talking to us.

He wasn't interested enough.

He wasn't asking what was up with us.

How was your day?

What did you do after school?

Tell me about your friend named Tom.

Tell me about Suzy.

How do you feel about them?

What kind of friendship do you have with them?

Where do you go after school?

What's your favorite food?

You know,

How do you feel today?

Do you like your teacher?

What kind of tests do you have?

When we don't have those experiences with our parents,

We don't know that we're supposed to be in relationships with people who are curious about who the frick we are.

How are you supposed to connect to someone if you're so preoccupied about what this banana thinks about you?

You don't know how to show up and tell him who you are or tell her who you are.

It's completely dysfunctional and the problem is right under our noses.

We're not telling the truth.

We're not telling the truth.

And so it's really important that you take these ideas with you on the road to recovery.

You know,

You get a new iPhone and most people read about the iPhone back and forth.

They go on Google,

They go on YouTube and they learn all about this iPhone because they're interested in this iPhone.

They want to get to know this iPhone.

They want to know everything there is about this iPhone so they can connect to their iPhone and they can the most out of this relationship that they have with their phone.

And most people know their phones more than they know themselves and more than they know their children and more than they know their partners.

It's crazy.

I have a friend of mine who loves cars and it's incredible how much he knows about cars and he knows nothing about his wife and vice versa.

I have friends and people in my own family that they know more about the guy at work than they do about what's going on with their kids.

Have to bring it back into balance people.

Now we have,

Lots of us have trouble with our spouses because the maternal relationships were corrupt.

And so today dear ones,

I want you to imagine a time in your life where you found something that really,

Really interested you,

Whether it was a book or whether it was an author or whether it was an activity or a hobby and think about how you got really,

Really involved with that.

You want to know everything there was about this hobby.

That's the type of passion you've got to bring to yourself.

You want to know who you are and that's the kind of passion you want to bring to a relationship.

You want to know who this other person is.

But here's the tricky part.

You have to attract the same type of energy.

You can't be very curious about someone and then just be curious about them and have that person just vomit all over you about who they are and not have that person care about how you are.

That's narcissism.

So often we codependent show up for the other people.

And then what happens is the other person isn't showing up for us.

And because we don't have that experience of checking in with self,

We don't know that the other person is supposed to be checking in with us.

And that is a symptom of being abused by omission because no one checked in with us.

And it is so innocuous and it is so mundane.

It is so every day.

Every day kids come home from school and no one's asking them how their day went.

And if they do it's like,

How's your day?

Sit down at the damn table and ask your kid how his day was.

Look him in the eye and ask him,

How was your day?

Tell mommy how your day was.

And if you have never done that before,

Start connecting to your children.

Connect to yourself.

And if you're in a relationship and it's salvageable,

Start connecting with your spouse.

Look them in the eye and ask them,

What happened with you today?

What's going on?

Don't just brush them off.

That's just repeating what was done to you.

Dear ones,

I hope this has inspired you.

I'll leave you with this.

People ask me all the time,

Well,

How do I know what's my programming and what's not my programming?

Very simple.

It's a litmus test.

Any thought that you show that shows up in your mental field that is negative,

That is critical,

That is condescending of you or another human being is your programming.

It's not you.

You are pure love and light energy.

And that's the litmus test.

It has been my honor to come into your hearts and your minds today.

In love and light,

Dear ones,

Namaste.

Bye.

Reviews

THANK YOU. I’m just starting this journey. Your delivery is amazing as well, very direct and blunt but down-to-earth at the same time.

I am love and light and not the critical thoughts toward myself or others!!! Love these truths Lisa!
Thank you! 💕🌺

Wow, a lot to take in at 77 y/o!🙏

I love how Lisa explains things so I understand and can use what I learned right away. You can tell she really cares about helping others and is passionate about us seeing that we are important and can heal. She gives great examples to help see things in a healthy way. I love all of her guided meditations and talks.

Wow! After listineing to this, I have a deeper understanding of why my life and my relationships have been so challenging and dysfunctional. And, the first steps I can take to reclaim my heart and my mind and begin to create a life that I love. Thank you so much, Lisa! I’m going to find a box of tissues now…

i love discovering older talks. i really needed to hear this talk. for decades i’ve been in recovery attending 12 step meetings. i’m so insecure about my shares (say stuff to myself like, i hope i make sense. i hope people like what i said. i hope people like me. constantly hoping for validation). i never connected that to my codependency. i love your litmus test. i’m very critical of myself and others and no matter what i do it won’t go away. knowing i’m pure love and light and the negative thinking is my programming is a light bulb moment for me. this is a huge turning point/ thanks 🙏💚🙏🧡🙏🖤🙏

Child neglect doesnt have to involve any physical or mental abuse. Just the fact that your father is there and he never approaches you or asks you any questions is enough... to become damaged...

Thank you Lisa! Sending much love

The journey begins 💜

Thought provoking questions and answers to my childhood.

Loved this! Such a powerful message, made me laugh at some points. I remember at school, seeing a poster somewhere "ask your child about their day, and tell them about yours", which I thought was amazing. I went home and said to my mum "I'd like us to do this" - I don't think she said anything. Probably nonplussed by the whole interaction. Now I understand why! Thank you for your insight, as always.

Thank you Lisa! Excellent message, very clear. Helpful to understand my own behaviour growing up with emotional neglect and alcoholism. Only audio/recording quality is not great and too sharp, and you have a quick and clear voice. So it is not a joy for the ears. It intervenes with getting the message across. Treat yourself with better recording equipment.

So much invaluable information, thank you Lisa. Love and blessings to you dear soul 💙x

Thank you! All of this resonated with me as I grew up in the same type of household as you described. The bottling of emotions was and is still me at times, although I have cleared out so much. The reminder that the negative and judgmental thoughts are not me but my programming is so helpful to remember! 💕

O Lisa!

Very Insightful!

you know.. Sometimes "waking up" feels more like a "rude awakenening"...and I often wonder "how did I get here?"

Now you've said it, I think "duh! of course! AND I had to hear it first. Thank you. Now I have another puzzle piece.

Thank you for this Podcast!

Namaste, Cheeky Fuel

Lisa, your succinct explanations in these podcasts help me to understand what happened to me and why I am the way I am. Abuse by omission. Resonates deeply.

I really find a deep resonance with your talks 🙏
Thank you so much 💕

I just listened to short version of my life!! Never heard the term abuse by omission before so this is a great explanation of what it is. I clearly recognize it! I made conscious decisions somehow to be/treat my children and grandchildren differently. I have managed that for the most part but at 68 there is still work to do. Since July 2 it’s been daily interaction with my parents. Dad in the hospital three times and now in rehab to try and return home to take care of mama who is literally unable to function. Both are 92 and refuse assisted living or help coming in. I get in as much self care as I can during this season. It would be a lot easier had my life with the parents been different or at the very least loving. Add mental illness and some dimentia to mama and you can imagine what I go through daily. Low contact has gone out the window. These podcasts help me to put things in perspective and have some sort of normalcy so many thanks for always shedding new light on these topics. Namaste dear one. 💜

Needed to hear this today. Perfect timing.

I really like the style of this podcast. Some hard truths delivered in a very straightforward manner, but also made me chuckle. That banana...hehehe. It is crazy how often I forget to ask myself how I feel. More work to be done to be free from this abuse by omission. Thank you Lisa. Your work is changing my life.