Restraint

This talk explores restraint, a topic that is highly valued in the Theravada Buddhist tradition yet not generally valued in our modern Western culture. Restraint can be defined as to not act on something that you want to say – not to act based on certain feelings that are moving through us.

Transcript

So for the past couple of weeks, We've been exploring views and beliefs, The way views support and feed what is known as egoic clinging, Egoic clinging, And the way that our beliefs and our views defend, Really, The unhealthy ego. And today, I would like to bring in a practice that can help us hold our views more lightly. And it is a practice that requires practice. It might not come naturally for some of us, And that is the practice of restraint, Restraint, Refraining. Restraint, In some ways, Goes against the stream of American society. It's not seen as important, And it's not really appreciated. And restraint is to not, It's not to act on something that you want to say, And not to act based on certain feelings that are moving through you. One friend of mine just uses the acronym WAIT. Why am I talking? As a form of restraint. So, Culturally, We're taught and shown that freedom is the freedom to do what we like, Freedom to say what we want, Freedom to express whatever arises. But in Buddhism, What we're practicing is freedom from, Freedom from compulsion, Freedom from addictive behavior, Freedom from addictive thoughts, Freedom from addictive speaking, Freedom from blurting out unreflectively whatever we're thinking in this moment. Freedom from the impulses that might cause conflict and tension, Or at least hurt. That's genuine freedom. Instead of compulsion running the show, Your ability to find composure, That becomes what's running the show. Composure. Composure. Traditionally, In the Theravada Buddhist teaching, There is tremendous emphasis on restraint around the five precepts. The five ethical guidelines that people live by, Or are guided by, Are guidelines of restraint. To restrain from killing people, To restrain from stealing. So, If you're inclined to take what's not given, Then it's pretty wise to restrain from doing that. If you're inclined towards sexual misconduct, It's best to refrain from engaging in that. If you have a habit of lying, It's best to refrain from that habit. If you're inclined to intoxicating yourself, It's best to refrain from that behavior. And for some people, It's really hard to refrain from those precepts. You know, If we look at the news today, Like today's newspaper, I wouldn't be surprised if over half the articles have something to do with how people didn't practice restraint just around these five precepts. Like, That's the majority of the news. So, This ability to not act on our views or the compulsive thoughts that we have, It's a practice. It's a practice. And when we first start this practice, We have to remind ourself of our intention around it. Sometimes for myself, Before I socially engage, Maybe I'm in the car or entering a social gathering, I just say to myself quietly, Restraint, Restraint. So, I'm checking myself, You know. It may be uncomfortable at first, But the reality is, The experience is that it gives us a lot of power. We think that if we're not expressing our views and our opinions, Somehow it will diminish us. But actually, It enhances our personal power in a way that we're much more effective in the things we want to do and the things we want to change in the world. One of the common guidelines in Buddhism around restraint is to learn to have the ability to refrain from saying and doing things that will cause harm. And I think in the realm of politics, There's a place for restraint. I think that we can all agree on that. Are we going to solve the political problems of the country by being in arguments and insisting that we're right? I don't think so. So, This practice of meditation that we do is really, Really a practice of restraint. You know, It's not in the marketing material, You know, Because probably no one would come if it were. But that's partly what we're doing. We're sitting still and we're meditating. And for the time that we're sitting still, We're not acting on every impulse. We don't fidget in our seats and keep adjusting our posture. We don't scratch every itch. I mean, We might. We might change our posture and we might, You know, Itch a scratch, But not every time. Not every time. You know, If your mind wants to wander off and you're planning your next vacation or planning the next year ahead, It's probably not the best use of your time in meditation. So, We learn to restrain ourselves from going off into those kinds of thoughts, Sort of like, Okay, Not now. And then we come back to the moment, To the breath, To the body. And so, This constant refraining is going on and coming back. Like, I'm not going to go into planning right now. I'm not going to get involved into that memory. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to refrain. I'm going to restrain myself. And over time, We begin to settle ourselves and begin to see, Well, What's really going on here? What drives me and what motivates me? And can I settle down and relax and sit back and observe myself, Get to know myself better, Know the situations in my life better, The way it feels, And be with those feelings. And from there, From there, We are in a much better position to act. The challenges that arise with restraint is often around, We don't want to feel limited. We don't want to live a life where we're inhibited. So, Restraining can sometimes feel like being inhibited. Restraining ourselves because we're afraid of what we'll say or restraining ourselves because we've been told that we can't do that. When we exercise restraint, Honestly, We're becoming more of ourselves, Freer to be more present for our life. We're not believing every thought and view and opinion. We're grounding in receptivity and curiosity. We're more grounded in who we are. But if the restraint is only about making ourselves smaller, Like we don't count, That's not healthy. When that happens, When restraint or lack of restraint is about how I matter, How I count, How important this is, This is where we can really cultivate that pause and remember that there's more going on here than our surface reactions. There's more going on than the surface reactions. There's more going on than the reactivity to what's happening in the moment. So, Like saying to ourselves, Let me restrain myself here. In this way, We touch into ourselves and we're touching into ourselves in a deeper way. And you'll feel the benefit of that, But don't take my word for it. See for yourself. So, You all may have some thoughts about this offering and I invite you not to restrain yourself in your sharing. Thank you for your kind attention.

Reviews

A fabulous reminder that so much goes on beneath our surface reactions. Its all connected. This was a very helpful reminder for me as i have some strong reactions to certain things. Thank you so much. Namaste 🧡.

Thanks Lisa.

🕊️🙏

Excellent!