You Are Not Broken, You Are Programmed

Do you struggle with anxiety, overthinking, or feeling like you are never enough, no matter what you do?

Do you find yourself stuck in the same emotional patterns, people-pleasing, self-doubt, or constantly seeking validation from others?

If so, you are not broken. You are patterned. And patterns can be changed.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano explains how childhood trauma and emotional neglect shape your identity, your thoughts, and your nervous system. With deep psychological insight and neuroscience-based understanding, Lisa reveals how your brain has been conditioned to repeat patterns that no longer serve you, and how real healing begins by changing the way you see yourself.

This is not about fixing yourself. It is about reprogramming what was learned.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. Awakening in this podcast. I'll share insights tools and transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery Many people who suffer from anxiety and depression things like codependency Those of us who were raised in childhood homes oftentimes experience anxiety and depression and end up with codependency. We are the children in a home that learned that we could please our parents. We learned that if we stuffed our emotions and pretended that we didn't feel what we felt, If we became the peacekeepers, If we focused on everybody else and managed everybody else's emotions ignored our own emotions, Then we learned that we could avoid criticism or we could maintain connections with people. And so if that's you, You want to understand something very critical if you are on the healing path. There is no healing without changing the way you see yourself. In the 21st century, We have learned that the brain is never the same two days in a row. It's not the same two seconds in a row, Because the brain is always taking direction from whatever you're focused on. There's an area of the brain called the default mode network, Which I wish they would teach this stuff in grammar school, But the default mode network is the part of your brain that becomes active when you are doing meaningless tasks, When your mind starts to wander. It's a really important thing to understand that your brain does, Because if you don't use self mastery, If you don't gain control over your mind, Then what's going to happen? Is your mind is going to constantly wander to the past. It's going to constantly Think about things that have already happened which is that's anxiety when we use this incredible power of the now and we Default to thinking about the past we have a memory that our body floods with this information Because where the mind goes the body goes and then in the next moment we're thinking about the future so we're not in the now and This is a really difficult thing to live with if you've got trauma from the past you've got childhood trauma trauma, You have an identity that is shaped from that trauma. By the time you're three, Four, Five, Six, Or seven years old, You've already identified yourself as someone who is not allowed to feel his or her feeling. You've already identified this idea that feelings are bad. And so you dissociate in order to feel safe. So that is what psychologically made sense to you when you were a little girl or you're a little boy. But that doesn't go away when you turn 18. That doesn't stop when you're 21. You continue in that pattern. You continue with that road map or that neural network map that was created in you as a result of this type of ongoing trauma. Complex trauma is a type of trauma that you could not escape. It's been referred to as the type of trauma that a child marinates in. And the other thing that I think is important, Because whenever I offer a coaching program, Inevitably somebody asks in our private community I don't even know if I belong here I don't have the trauma Mary does I don't have the trauma Sue has or I don't have the trauma Mike or Andy has and we want to understand that as as it relates to the brain we're talking about trauma it is not so much the event that is the trauma although you have a traumatic experience it's the residual it's what you decided as result of that trauma that is actually trauma how you perceive yourself How you move through life, That's trauma. Do you isolate? Do you withdraw? Are you afraid to be authentic now? Do you fear intimacy? Do you are you risk avoidant completely risk avoidant? Which is going to inhibit your ability to become mentally tough because it is the going through difficult times that makes your brain stronger when we factor in all these ideas that there's traumatic events and Experiences that I could not escape as a child and this idea that it's not always a big T trauma that being Emotionally neglected is going to affect the brain as much as any other type of trauma It's hard to wrap your mind around that because as a little kid and even as a young adolescent and a teenager and even young adult We think oh, Well, My mom didn't do this to me or my dad didn't do that to me We tend to make what we're feeling minimal Because no one has taught us that what we think and what we feel is important or valid. And so as we age out of these homes, We tend to even downplay what happened to us as a coping skill. And we can even become people in society who are annoyed by other people who are talking about their trauma, Because we're being triggered by that. Because we're thinking like, What's wrong with you? Because you were never allowed to experience any of your emotions. Saying that we should all walk around as red giant big infected toes. That's not the goal. The goal is to really identify how our mind is now working as an adult so that we become the observer of these experiences and then we gain control over the default mode network. Just one brain area of the brain that we can learn to master and control so it does not continue to default in the past. Of trauma, Oftentimes you come out of these homes codependent, Which means that you have an unhealthy, Maladaptive emotional reliance on others for a sense of self or a sense of safety. And if you're codependent, You're codependent, Meaning that you rely on external factors. Everything is externalized. Everything is externally focused. That means that you're not enough unless you make a certain amount of money, Or you're not enough unless a certain amount of people know about you. You're not enough unless you're as good as this person. You're not enough unless you make your husband or your wife happy 24 hours. Like they are not allowed to be unhappy. You take that personally as a codependent. No one is allowed to be unhappy around you because you feel like it's your responsibility to make them happy. And when they deny you your sense of safety by being unhappy or uncomfortable, You can become irritated and feel flat or even feel angry, Almost of your sense of safety, But you won't know that you're doing that because you're operating from the default mode network. For example, If you grew up as a little boy with a really anxious mom, If you went through a divorce and mom married a really difficult stepdad, You took on the role of Minimizing your emotions just not to upset mom anymore just not to be a burden because you know She's been through so much with your dad and the divorce and now the stepdad so you grew up in this space where your feelings don't matter and you take on the role of Making sure that everybody's happy at the expense of yourself. That's your pattern That's that's your program and that's why I'm always talking about faulty childhood programming. That's what all my work is about is helping you identify first the hole in the wall because you can't fix a hole in the wall that you can't see dear one. And so we have a world full of people who have experienced incredible painful things as children. It's been downloaded into the subconscious mind. Boom. They have an identity as let's say a codependent or someone who is unworthy or someone who needs validation or someone who is Unworthy and not good enough. That is their core identity Then what happens is when you have an identity at the psychological level you manifest that identity so you outwardly manifest these traits such as codependency, Needing to be needed, Seeking approval, Being afraid to be judged, Being afraid to rock the boat. You can't stand up for yourself. You're frustrated all the time. You're overwhelmed all the time. You stuff your emotions. You are in constant self-doubt. You're always looking to look to the outside for validation or affirmation or permission to make a decision. It's really hard for you to make a decision. You want to make sure everybody's okay before you make a decision. You very rarely make your own decision. These are real things that happen to people, So they don't even realize that they don't have a sense of self. And so if you grew up in a home where you were taught that your feelings didn't matter or you were emotionally neglected, This isn't about remaining in that state all the time. This is about acknowledging that was my state, Coming into a state of non-resistance about it, Coming out of denial. It's not about cursing your mom out on Facebook. It's not about being aggressive towards family and saying, Oh, You ruined my life, Because we really do have brains that are built for growth. We have brains that are built for growth. We have brains that can overcome. The minute you start thinking differently, Your brain changes. And when that hit me during my recovery process, When I realized that my brain and my life, My codependent marriage, My motherhood, The mother that I was, The anxious mother that I was, The mother that was addicted to relationships and addicted to pleasing people, That anxious mom when I was going through my early stages of recovery and I had this awakening moment where I thought, Oh my God, Where have I been? This is just a program. Like my mother and father programmed me for this as adult children of alcoholics, Dry alcoholics. I'm the granddaughter of three alcoholics and the other biological grandparent took her life. Like this is a long line of trauma and pain that I have inherited and when I realized that that was just information and data that went in and I was just recycling it through the default mode network I had assumed that I was not good enough because I was treated like I was not good enough because my mother was very verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and withholding and just weird towards me my whole life and who do you tell when that's your mom who's gonna believe you when she is so wonderful to other people. And if I tell anybody when I'm alone with her, It's just going to get worse anyway. So you stuff your feelings. So I dissociated to survive. But this becomes a pattern. It becomes a way of being that is outside the scope of consciousness. And so that's why also, You know, All my work is about elevating consciousness to the to the point where you are the observer of your experiences. It's not just about setting boundaries and telling people how you feel. It's so much deeper than that. And it's so much more empowering than that. Because if you think that the answer is to just tell people how you feel, Then you're still stuck. Because you think that is the answer is tell people how you feel. Your feelings are transient. They're always changing, By the way. And we're assuming that if I tell someone how I feel, It's going to land well. Or they're going to hear me. And they're going to want to hear me. Or they're going to validate me. No. We want you to feel empowered on the inside. And that empowerment comes by understanding what's really wrong is your programming. It's the way that you think about yourself. It's your way of beingness in the world. And it doesn't mean that you're broken. It just means that you're kind of asleep, And you think that you're awake. And until you question what you think, And until you question how you feel, And until you question your state of being, Then you really don't know if that's really you. And on the spiritual level, We are not our anxiety. The ego is what makes us anxious. The ego has to have a problem. The ego doesn't like being in the now. The ego wants you to stay stuck in the past. It needs something to ruminate about. The ego is a defensive mechanism. So without a problem, Ego is like, What's my job? I don't have a job. And ego doesn't want to die. Existence is to survive and it's built on survival, Which is not thriving. It's surviving So the ego is going to keep you stuck in the past in the default mode network in the identity of the wounded and in a child I'm not good enough nobody loves me nothing works out for me and it's going to keep you stuck there and To help you avoid pain. It's going to take on behaviors like codependency to minimize rejection and abandonment and so This is the ego stuck in the past and worried about the future. And so the real goal is, How do we get people to sit long enough? Because if we can control what goes in for an extended period of time, Then we can change the way that you think. And the minute you start changing the way that you think, Your brain starts changing. But the thing is that we have to continue this upward spiral of our thoughts long enough until the neurological changes actually take place. But we can change our brain and neuroscience is proving that epigenetics is proving that and We really want to harness that those of us who are very serious about the recovery journey We're very serious about our spiritual journeys like we really want to harness this information So you want to understand that if you listen to this type of recovery work? Because of your past and you're trying to make sense of it I want you to understand that your childhood created a pattern it created program that program was invisible but now manifests in your thoughts and it manifests in in your beingness it manifests in your feelings it manifests in your relationships it manifests in your behaviors and if you want to know where you are look at your life look at the state of your finances look at the state of your relationships look at the state of your mental health look at the state of your physical health because that's a clue The good news is because I don't want to depress anybody But the good news is that dear one the minute you start thinking differently your brain changes That's why when I'm going through a very deep dark night of the soul and let's face it We are all going to go through that because we're here to change We're here to evolve and the work that we're doing is an evolution of consciousness unfortunately most trauma victims they tend to get stuck in their trauma and they operate wanting to heal even from their trauma trying to feel a little bit better versus like I want I want to transcend this trauma identity I want to be I want to fly so high in my consciousness that I connect with who I really really am that is not me the layer of the epigenetics, The trauma that you inherited from your mother, From your father, From your great grandmother. We've done studies on Holocaust victims, And we can see that this oversensitivity and overreaction present in four generations later. In Holocaust survivors' offsprings and generations later, That the children Have the same almost the same level of cortisol levels than their great-great-grandparents, So there's an epigenetic factor So a lot of the stuff that we're carrying in our system isn't even from us So why do I want to operate my life from that level? When that's not even indicative of who and what I truly am. I don't want to do that I want to leave it all behind. I want to transcend it. I want to ascend it I And so first, There's an awakening. You have to awaken to how your brain operates. You have to awaken to how trauma arrests your state of consciousness, How it controls the default mode network, And how, When you're vacuuming, Your mind is going to go right back to the past. But you want to do what you can to understand that first. And there are so many different processes that we can bring you through to teach you how to control the default mode network when this happens, To prevent the default Network from taking you back into the past and having your body get activated and then we have tools to help you Know what to do when your body gets activated and this is a process This is a process of recovery way too long for you know a short podcast or a short video but there are processes that we can work through to help you manage these responses and really shape-shift your identity and in order to do that you have to recognize that it was never you it was just your programming and Trauma will arrest you it'll keep you stuck in the past or keep you worried about the future which takes you out of the now and so the question is you know are you able to accept that and Would you as your own? Autonomous human being would you be able to or would you be willing to? Control what goes in because the minute you start controlling the data that you put in the minute you go from scrolling through negative social media. And trust me, When you're scrolling, You're changing your brain. So when you're listening to fear-mongering information, Your brain is being triggered into the negative. And that's going to affect the next thought that you have, The next thought that you have, Because you're also training another area of your brain called the recticular activating system to focus on bad stuff happening. And that's just going to keep you stuck. So your brain is built for greatness. Your brain is built for recovery. But you are the one dear one that has to be motivated and believe that this is possible and that this is the real problem. We can think the problems are out there, But the problems really are inside of us now in the way that we think. And the good news is that when you change the way you think, The minute you change the way you think, Your brain already starts to change. You have to be willing to be someone who is willing to put in that work to actually make your brain change I know that I've done it and I still do it even when I find myself struggling With a deep dark night of the soul like I said earlier you're going to go through that But once you have a process and you recognize it's the same process every time you go through a challenge it is Learning to calm your mind it is learning to observe your mind when you're looking at a river you can see the river. You're standing on the bank, You can see the river. But the minute you fall into the river, You can't see the river anymore. And when I'm going through a deep, Dark night of the soul, I'm in the river. I can't see the river anymore. I think the river is me. I'm going to be engulfed by the river. I'm going to drown in the river. Think about emotions and depression, Anxiety. But it doesn't have to be that way. So when I gain that understanding about how my mind works, And when I gain that understanding that the minute I start changing the way that I think, My brain starts to change. Well, Then I have the impetus and I have the motivation to like, At least try. To change your brain, Here's a few things that you can do to move this forward. So the first thing you want to do is you want to wake up every day and you want to meditate. It doesn't really matter what meditation, In my opinion, The whole idea is to get into a silence practice. So it could be an In a child meditation, It could be an open your heart chakra meditation. It could be a third eye meditation. It could be a heal your body meditation. Just freaking meditate. The next thing that you want to start doing is journaling. So you wake up before you start your day. You tell yourself that this is the kind of day I'm going to have. You put it out there. You change the direction of your mind. Because the default mode network has a habit of focusing on what you don't want. And so no. You tell your brain, You tell your reticular activating system, We're going to focus on this today. You might want to write down five things that you're grateful for. This is what the greats do. The most successful people in the world do this. Why aren't you doing it? Right? Oh, Because we're stuck in the past. That's right. Well, Now you're not going to be stuck in the past anymore. So you want to meditate, You want to journal. Next thing you want to do is you want to spend, You know, You're putting your makeup on, You're going for a jog, Whatever. You're feeding the dog. You want to make sure that your ears are being filled with good information. Scrolling through social media you are absolutely intentional with the information that's going into your divine brain So you want to make sure that you're listening to really great information again for another 20 minutes a day The other thing that you want to do is you want to make sure that you exercise and I can't I can't stress enough the importance of moving the energy in your body and I could say number five is breathing, But I think that you know while you're You can do intentional breathing to slow everything down now neurologically when you take a really full deep breath and you exhale, You literally train the brain to slow down. It controls Amy, The amygdala, And Harry, The hippocampus. It says everything's really cool. So get in the habit of these daily practices that the most successful people in the world do. And I promise you that in a short amount of time, You're going to start to feel differently. Namaste, Everybody. Until next time, As I bow to love and light, That is absolutely in you.

Reviews

Excellent as always 👌

Thanks Lisa.

So awesome 😎