Why Narcissists Don’t Miss You (They Miss Control)

Have you ever walked away from a toxic relationship and wondered if they miss you?

Do you find yourself holding onto memories, questioning your worth, or hoping they will realize what they lost?

If so, you are not alone. And you are not broken.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano explains the truth behind one of the most painful questions people ask after leaving a narcissistic relationship. With deep psychological insight and compassionate clarity, Lisa reveals why narcissists do not miss you in a healthy, emotional way, and what they are actually attached to instead.

This is not about rejection. It is about understanding the dynamic.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award-winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. Awakening in this podcast. I'll share insights tools and transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery Let's do a dear one. So today we're going to be discussing why narcissists can't miss you They don't miss you and I can tell you that if you've been in a narcissistic relationship if you have escaped a narcissistic marriage You may have wondered do they miss me and the answer is no they don't miss Miss you what they miss is losing control over you Narcissus miss having power over you Narcissus a miss miss this idea that no matter what they say no matter what they do They will be able to emotionally scramble your brain, And you will put up with it And narcissists are interesting creatures, And to me, It's very sad, This idea that they are so stuck below the veil of consciousness. If you were to imagine consciousness like a skyscraper, And there are 10 floors down, And then, I don't know, 100 floors up, A narcissist is pretty far down in the basement, In the belly of that skyscraper, And has no clue that they aren't even at the ground level. They lack that much self-awareness. There is no real introspection. Order to miss someone you have to have valued that person as a person as a Sovereign being as an autonomous human being in order to miss someone You would have to have had empathy for that person That person would have to have been alive 3d autonomous human being Narcissist aren't in it for the relationship. They're in it for the stage. They have to remain Barnum and Bailey in the Barnum and Bailey circus. They have to be the ringmaster. They have to be able to pull your strings and see you react. They have to be in complete control over the relationship. So that is why I know it is very sad, But the reality is narcissists don't miss you. What do they miss? They miss your constant caretaking. They miss you seeking approval. They miss you trying to please them. They miss being able to stonewall you and confuse you. And they miss being able to reduce you to tears. They miss the fact that you're the first person to begin talking to them after you've had somewhat of a little conflict. They miss the fact that they can stonewall you longer than you can tolerate silence between the two of you. They miss that. They miss you running around emotionally like a chicken whose head has been cut off trying to figure out what you did to displease them and how you can get back into their good graces. They miss you making all of their appointments. They miss you feeling or feeling guilty for things that you should not feel guilty about. They miss knowing that you're going to default into enabling, That you will default into being afraid to appear disloyal to them if you confront them. They'll miss you feeling sorry for them and not holding them accountable. They'll miss that. But no, They don't miss you. They're not capable of missing you. People who have the inability to look within, People who need to feel superior to other people, People who rely on passive aggressiveness in order to mask their rage are not healthy people. Now, I'm not saying that the world is full of healthy people. In fact, My argument is quite the opposite. I think the world is full of unhealthy people, But there is a huge difference between someone who is unhealthy and doesn't think they are. And has no interest in doing inner child recovery work. Or codependency recovery work, Or narcissistic recovery work, Like there's a big difference between someone who is creating havoc. In their lives, In their family, In their relationships, At work, And is clueless as to, Wow, What's happening? Why are there a string of relationships that I'm in and why do people always avoid me? Like, What's going on? Could it be me? There's a big difference between that and somebody who takes the deep dive, Somebody who goes into therapy, Somebody who says, I need to figure this out. And when you're in a codependent narcissistic relationship, Generally both people are blind. The codependent is blind because they don't know that they're operating from a faulty operating system. That childhood trauma has brainwashed them and conditioned them to feel not good enough. They don't know that. A codependent doesn't know that they've attracted in their adult life an inner being that matches the vibrations of the parents who treated them with emotional neglect or worse. If there is worse. Codependents don't know that they are offering a particular relationship signature, And they can only draw into their lives the equivalent of that signature. Codependents don't know that they grew up feeling invisible, So they don't attract people who can see them. They attract people who are highly narcissistic. That's who they attract. A codependent doesn't know that they don't have a sense of self. This is the way they operate. Codependents don't know that they're taking care of their narcissistic spouse or siblings or whoever in their life, And that it's a one-way relationship. One-way relationships are all they know. Mom was a passive codependent who. Was caught up in taking care of the dad who was more aggressive or an alcoholic. Or narcissistic. And so mom didn't shield the children or dad didn't shield the children. But the point is that adult children from toxic homes, They don't feel protected. And they take on the role of caretaker far too early. They take on responsibilities of taking care of other people when they're just children themselves. And they're not even aware that this is part of their personality or ego makeup. They don't know that. And that's not their fault. They're not broken. They just don't know any other way. It's not them. It's their programming. And so it's not uncommon for codependents to remain locked inside toxic, Narcissistic relationships for years, For decades, Even a lifetime, And never even know, Wow, That was a narcissistic relationship I was in. I was blind to the self. When we're engaged with people who are highly narcissistic and we are trying to please them Especially if we have high codependent traits unless we awaken and See our own traits and see the dynamics Then we can't escape it and oftentimes we ask ourselves. Do they miss us? No, They don't miss us. They don't miss you They miss the control they had over you they miss the familiarity They missed the consistency you brought. They missed the intimacy that no matter what happened, There was always some booty involved. They missed that. They missed being fresh and throwing temper tantrums and always having someone there tolerating it. They missed that. They miss the audience. They miss that. They miss being able to put you in a tailspin. They miss that. That's a form of control. Yeah, They miss that. But no, They don't miss you. Not in a healthy way. And so when you're dating a narcissist, You love a narcissist, They are blind to their shadows and they have no interest in looking within. And that's what's really sad ultimately. Very, Very sad because there is a soul in there somewhere and some people would because narcissists, Depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with, And there are different flavors of narcissists, And we can go from sociopathy to psychopathy, It could get really, Really bad. And so some people would argue, No, That person's got dead eyes, That person has no soul. I think when it comes to brain anomalies, This is something that people are born with, The inability to have empathy, And it could be due to some brain issue, But I believe most narcissists are created due to childhood experiences. And that being said, Do believe that if someone truly wanted to heal I think that they could but it would take such a journey it would that person would need so much grit and I'm not saying it's not possible because in order to Ascend the patterns that are in the subconscious mind which all go back to the narcissistic injuries that are created That created the narcissistic defense mechanisms in the first place to deflection the devaluation the love bombing, The breadcrumbing you, The smear campaigns, The projection, The rage, The passive aggressiveness, The stonewalling, The belittling of you, The rewriting of history, The focusing on your reaction to their inappropriate action, That just the constant draining. They would have to be able to look at that, Deal with the consequences of feeling like oh my god. That was me. That was me I did that like I can see what what happened I can see when I did that the effect on my children Narcissistic mothers and narcissistic fathers they never go there They never consider how their actions or their words have affected these innocent little beings and that's why they're dangerous And oftentimes adult children, They just keep clinging. You ever notice that? That like the parents that you know that were the meanest to their children, Their kids tend to hang on. Yeah, Because they're waiting. They're in hope mode. And they're also in fear mode. Like if I wake up and challenge my narcissistic mother, I'm done, I'm in for, Right? Like I'm gonna be banished from the kingdom. And so they've never, The adult child in that situation has not. Transitioned out of the need for mother's approval. And that's what I help my clients do. We, If you didn't get what you need in childhood, We help you transition out of those needs. And we help you seek your own validation, Which helps to reparent yourself. And so you're not running after these feathers in the wind anymore. You know that you're enough. That's where we start. And so no, Narcissists don't miss you. They miss control. They miss being able to wound you and have you stand there and tolerate it. See, As long as you tolerate it, They don't have to deal with the silence of themselves. So in the silence and in solitude, Without a stage, Where does a narcissist go? They only have the self. They only have themselves. And they don't want that. They very quickly find another source of narcissistic supply why it's not because you aren't good enough It's just that your silence forced them to look at themselves, And it was uncomfortable So they can't do solitude they can't look within they've got to get another source of narcissistic supply real fast But in the background they're stalking you in social media in The background they're asking people about you in the background they're posting things on social Media that they hope that you'll see in the background. They're doing all this little silly stuff all this childish stuff, Right? To help them not have to feel and deal with the silence that Has their force to live with now because you've said enough is enough Another thing that I want to encourage people to understand that if you are on this healing journey It is very common You start to awaken to the dynamics of the codependent narcissistic relationship for you to start pulling back and This was very profound in my life. I didn't know I was doing it when I was doing it, But I understand it now there was a time where I started to shutty shutty and I started to get very quiet and My ex-husband mistook that sign and I can see now he played his cards the wrong way and When I started to go silent, What was happening, I was watching. I was taking notes. I was looking for the patterns. I was observing him for the first time. I was observing the way he spoke to me. Was observing the weapons that he would use against me and in that little bit of space that took me a while To learn how to get to and not react which is all emotional regulation Which is also codependency recovery like stop reacting to the moods of others stop allowing Your mood and your energy to be affected by this external person. That's where I was at and so when I got to that point and I stepped back, He started to notice that I was going quiet. In his head because he said it he was thinking. Oh, She's finally over this self-help stuff That's what we used to call it. You know over 25 30 years ago. It was just self-help now We're much more sophisticated. We call it inner child healing work. We call it codependency recovery work We call it complex trauma recovery and all that jazz But back in the day was just oh she's she's finally over the self-help stuff why because I was quiet But I was quiet because I was observing I Was quiet because I was taking notes. I was quiet because my consciousness was expanding I was no longer this little girl reacting to the mother who always chose to Gaslight her as a form of control and manipulation and she was acting out her wounds on me I wasn't that little girl anymore. I was learning to become the observer and Soon, It wasn't that soon. But eventually I learned how to hold on to myself and Eventually grew that stainless steel spine that me and my clients always talk about and I was able to detach detach from the fears of of his reaction Detach from the fears of what other people were going to think when I finally said enough is enough. I started to detach So it was also this wonderful transformation of ego consciousness if you will where I was not allowing the stories of the past to control me and that That took time because healing from this type of relationship is really a metamorphosis of consciousness. It's you coming back to the divine self. It's you facing what Carl Jung speaks of, All the shadows, But it's all the same stuff. It's you healing and secure attachment. Again, All the same stuff. It's you healing from complex trauma. Again, All the same stuff. If you're codependent, That means that you're living below the veil, You have complex trauma, You don't feel good enough, And you've unfortunately entangled yourself with somebody who doesn't see value in you outside of the attention, The validation, And the constant presence that you are in their life. They don't see real value in you as an autonomous person. So your feelings don't matter. They never think about your feelings. Never. I remember my ex said it. I remember where I was. It was like a timestamp. And it just just blew my mind. It was just. And I said to him, You said that out loud. And he was unaffected by it. He actually said, No, I never think about your feelings. And it just rolled off his tongue. And I thought that can't be right. You know, That can't be right. I mean, I was very dazed and confused at that time because he was so confident in the way that he treated me. And I thought, It must be me. It must be me. But when he said that out loud, I thought, Wow, Like that can't be right. Like you're my spouse. Like you should care how I feel. I'm not saying that how I feel should govern you, But you should at least, How does Lisa feel? You know, How would she feel? It's not on your radar. And I didn't know for sure what I was dealing with until I walked away. And when the rage surfaced, When the delusions surfaced, When the anger was palpable, When it became evident that he was hell-bent on trying to destroy me financially, Mentally, Emotionally, When it became obvious he was trying to turn my children against me, And he did for about seven years, That's when I knew that I was dealing with something sinister. I was dealing with something dark. This man didn't love me. He loved having control over me. So did he miss me? Absolutely not. I didn't miss him either. I didn't miss him. What I missed was the fantasy. What I missed was the idea of what we could be if we could find our way to negotiation versus separation and competition. What I missed was the potential of being happy. You see, I thought I had a bad marriage, But I didn't know it was as toxic as it was. But I missed what I thought we could have. I missed that. I missed the fantasy. And that was sobering to think, Wow, We were both like unhealthy people. And I gave from the potential of fantasy. Well, Hopefully one day it will get better. So here I am disowning myself and catering to somebody who did not see me as an autonomous human being. But then the question is, As a codependent, How much did I see him as an autonomous human being? Because if I'm codependent, I'm not seeing him as an autonomous human being. He's a figment of my childhood. He's the mother that that I could never gain approval from. So when you really dig into this and you focus on being honest about it really honest like Radical honesty and that's not easy all the time. I think that we get to be radically honest with ourselves in doses It's much easier for me. Now. I'm pretty seasoned in this recovery work I would say I'm on the path over 30 years now like really like what's going on? What's wrong with me? So I've softened up. I know that I'm enough. I know I know that I've made mistakes. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I still make mistakes. I know that I've hurt people along the way, Especially my children, In my unconsciousness, In my reactivity, As a very angry codependent. That's what happens in latter stages of codependency. You get angry. You get resentful. You get mean. You feel stuck. You're like a caged animal. And it isn't until you adopt some type of a healing approach and you stop. You start looking at your patterns, And you start looking at your programs You start looking at your emotions, And you start to realize like okay? I can't put this off on anybody else anymore I have to deal with this stuff if it's my mother's stuff, But now it's my stuff and now I have to fix it and I have to start taking accountability for that that's whoo that's character building I'll say that and There is so much freedom on the other side of it because now Narcissus can't hurt you when you end up saying like I know I hurt you in my unconsciousness, And I'm sorry you take you take accountability for your side of it But you still walk away anyway like I know I have been perfect, And that's what I did with my ex I'm sorry. I hurt you This relationship brought out the worst in me, But it also served me because the pain woke me up And I wish the same for you And i'm not in control over his level of consciousness or what he does with that But I recently received an email and the question was Does he miss me if this person is truly narcissistic? They don't miss you They miss the control they had over you They missed the stage. They missed the audience member that you were the constant admiring, Forgiving, Painfully loyal person in their life that they could always rely on. The forgiving one, The person who understood them, The person that looked past all of their issues. That's what they miss. But that's not the same as missing you. Because to miss you, They have to be able to see you. They have to be able to have empathy for you. And no, They don't miss you. So I hope that this session has helped spark some aha moments. I hope that it has given you some food for thought. I hope that what you feel is this energy of compassion for self and compassion for others because we're all doing the best we can based on our level of consciousness, Based on our level of awareness and based on our childhood trauma. And that's hard to hear sometimes. To me, The golden ring is that I as someone who is codependent or can look at my own flaws, I have the potential to heal and break patterns in a way that someone who is not willing to do that work cannot. And as sad as that is for someone who can't do that work or won't do that work or isn't willing to do that work. Like as sad as that is, I have to keep doing it. I have to. I have to keep moving forward. I have no choice. I have no choice as far as I'm concerned. I have no choice. I have children that I'm responsible to. And I love what Carl Jung says, That we have a responsibility to heal our wounds because if we don't, We just pass them along to our children. So I hope this has been helpful.

Reviews

Thanks Lisa!

Thanks for your Truthful encouragement 🙏
Incredibly insightful!

Hard truths delivered in a kind way. TY🙏🏼

Thank you for your amazing work in this topic that had affected my life as well. I love your vulnerability dear MASTER Lisa. I continue to learn from you. You are correct it takes work and time but it can be done and am looking forward to my moment to feel as strong as you are.