Signs A Narcissist Wants Back In Your Life

In this episode, you will learn about the signs a narcissist is trying to get back into your life. Recognizing the signs of a narcissist attempting to re-enter your life is paramount on your journey of healing and self-discovery. Hoovering is the insidious tactic these individuals employ to suck you back into their web of manipulation and control. It often starts subtly, perhaps with a seemingly innocent message or a casual encounter.

However, pay heed to the underlying motives masked beneath their charm. Are they showering you with affection one moment and withdrawing it the next? Do you sense a familiar pattern of gaslighting and emotional manipulation resurfacing? These are the red flags waving vehemently, urging you to stay vigilant and protect your newfound sense of self.

By staying attuned to the subtle cues and refusing to be lured back into the toxic embrace of a narcissist, you pave the way for a brighter, more liberated future filled with love, respect, and inner peace.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be discussing how you can be sure that a narcissist is trying to get back into your life.

Talking about narcissistic people,

I think it's important that we set the stage.

Not everybody who disagrees with you is a narcissist.

Not everybody who is unkind to you is a narcissist.

Not everybody who breaks up with you or who ghosts you is a narcissist.

So it's really important that we begin to understand that not everybody who disagrees with us or everybody who does something that we don't like or makes us feel uncomfortable is in fact a narcissist.

So what is a narcissist?

When we're talking about a narcissist,

We're talking about somebody who exhibits pervasive patterns.

So this is someone who has a pattern of a lack of empathy,

A pattern of entitlement,

A pattern of somebody who is exploitative,

A pattern of being aggressive towards people for no reason,

A pattern of putting people down,

Especially people that can do nothing for them.

This is very typical.

Narcissists like to be the king honcho,

Right?

They want to be at the top of the food chain.

So they're intimidated by people who are smarter than them or have more money than them.

They want to hang out with,

They feel better about hanging out with people who they feel better than.

Now,

A narcissist will hang out with somebody who has a wonderful reputation,

For instance,

Or has some value that can offer the narcissist,

But only when it's to the narcissist's advantage.

If you're dealing with a female narcissist,

You're going to see somebody who is very jealous of other women,

Who is very competitive.

This is someone who likes to put other people down.

And so again,

Think about this pervasive pattern,

A pervasive pattern of gaslighting,

A pervasive pattern of withholding,

Like shutting down,

Stonewalling you,

Like you cannot get from point A to point B.

I don't know about you,

But that drives me crazy.

And so why is this important?

It's important because it's really easy to judge people and say,

Oh,

He or she is a narcissist when in fact,

Maybe the person's having a bad day,

Or maybe this person just doesn't resonate with you,

Or maybe they tried on the relationship and it doesn't work.

And so we want to gain some objectivity and some rational thinking around our relationship dynamics before we throw everybody into one pot,

Which I think we have a high tendency to do that.

Especially we learn a little bit about information and then suddenly everybody's a narcissist and that's just not the case.

So when you're dealing with someone in a relationship that is narcissistic,

You're dealing with somebody who will love bomb you,

It's called the idealization phase.

Now interesting about the idealization phase is that while the narcissist is idealizing you,

They are idealizing you to make them feel better about their choice about you.

So it seems like they're idealizing you,

They're trying to fluff you up,

But what's happening is the narcissist is trying to help themselves understand that their choice in you,

Their feelings for you are good.

See how smart they are because they chose you.

So they're idealizing you,

Yes,

But it's really for their own benefit.

It's really mind boggling.

A narcissist will love bomb you.

A narcissist will fake empathy.

A narcissist who is intentionally preying on you,

Which I think is very scary.

I bumped into one of those in my lifetime and it brought me to my knees,

Even though it was probably one of my shortest relationships.

There are narcissists who will absolutely groom you with the intention of deceiving you.

And then there are the garden variety narcissists who will idealize you in the beginning for their own sake,

Get you to trust them.

And they are just,

This is who they are.

They are not doing this consciously.

This is just who they are and they think that they are right.

And I always found that really disturbing because narcissists are so convicted that they're right and that you're wrong.

And even if you show them,

You have a pattern of needing to be right,

Which means I'm always the wrong one,

They won't see anything wrong with that logic.

And that goes back to a lack of empathy,

A lack of personal insight,

A lack of consideration,

An inability to really feel the emotions that you feel,

Which makes it almost impossible for them to be self-reflective and then change their behavior.

If you're in this type of relationship,

You may have noticed that it started fast and furious that you felt really connected to this person.

This person may have said anything to get you to trust them really intense.

Remember that narcissists bore really easily.

And so high intense relationships are very attractive to them.

And as you settle in and you go into the day to day,

A couple of weeks in,

Maybe a couple of months in,

Certainly a couple of years in,

You're going to start to feel like the narcissist is annoyed with you.

Suddenly all this attention they had towards you is starting to wane and you just feel like you're irritating them and you can't figure out why.

It's because of them.

They're losing interest in you.

The relationship isn't that exciting.

There's no chase going on.

And oftentimes they are not aware that this is why they feel irritated.

They really feel in their head it's your fault.

And they come up with this backwards rationalization to justify why they're mean to you.

So you move into,

And it's not uncommon for them to start picking on you and to devaluing you.

And they'll start doing things like gaslighting you,

Withholding love,

Withholding sex from you.

Really putting you down,

Questioning your loyalty,

Isolating you from friends and family.

They want complete power and dominance over you.

And when someone else comes along that tickles their fancy or they move on to another source of narcissistic supply,

They will discard you.

By the time a narcissist discards you,

You don't know which way is up.

If they have lied to you throughout the relationship,

If they have cheated on you throughout the relationship,

You have to understand that they're going to justify every lie.

They're never going to admit that they lied.

If they do admit that they lied,

Then they turn around and they tell you that it's your fault that they lied.

Or they will twist the table,

Turn the table and say,

You misunderstood me.

You never hear me correctly.

You're such a negative person.

I was just joking.

Why can't you take a joke?

You take everything so seriously,

Which is gaslighting.

By the time you end a relationship with a narcissist,

Your head is spinning.

And if you have an anxious attachment style like me,

If you are someone who is codependent,

Then this is really going to trigger you on all cylinders,

On all counts.

This is why those of us who have anxious attachment style,

Those of us who have abandonment trauma from childhood,

We suffer with childhood trauma and it manifests as this anxious attachment style and it manifests in relationships as an identity issue,

As a relationship issue,

As a feelings disease.

Because when I'm codependent,

I'm not in control of my feelings.

I'm not in control of my beliefs.

Some survival mechanism is kicking in and it's tied to being afraid of being alone,

Tied to rejection and tied to dealing with the anxiety of you leaving me.

And so codependents are people pleasers,

Yes,

But I'm not really trying to please you as much as I am trying to control my anxiety around you potentially leaving me and turning this around where you're saying that it's my fault that you left me or I'm going to be alone or what's going to happen next.

And so it's really important that we flush all this out.

There are many,

Many layers to the codependent and the narcissistic relationship and those are just a few.

Now,

When the relationship ends and you find yourself completely perplexed,

Trying to pull yourself together,

What happened here?

You're going to need to self care.

You need a support group.

You need a coach.

You need a therapist.

You need a support system that's going to help you ground and move you to the next phase,

Right?

Because in this relationship,

You've lost yourself.

And what we're trying to do is try to find,

Help you get back to your authentic self.

When you come from childhood trauma,

If that was how you ended up in this relationship,

Then you've lost yourself in childhood.

That's not your fault because nobody connected to you.

So the path forward,

The straight line forward is how do I get back to my divine self?

If you've happened upon a narcissist on your path,

Then that narcissist pushed you back to ground zero and made you focus on them.

Or maybe you just naturally focused on them and did not focus on yourself.

Either way,

Dear one,

We're trying to get back to authenticity.

We're trying to get back to our divine self and this is going to be a process.

Know that healing and recovery takes effort.

It just doesn't happen.

But if you put in the time,

If you put in the effort,

The weight of the world will come off your shoulders.

Your life will get better.

Mental clarity will show up.

You will not tolerate the intolerable anymore.

Your life will vastly improve,

But you have to put the effort in.

Okay.

That being said,

So what are some of the signs that you can be sure that the narcissist is starting to hoover you back in after either you have discarded them or they have discarded you?

They will text a friend of yours.

So you'll get hit up by a friend,

Hey,

I got a text from Tom today,

Like out of the blue.

So the narcissist isn't contacting you,

But the narcissist is texting your friend.

They're trying to get back on your radar and they're using your friend to get on your radar.

Remember what they want is they want you as a source of narcissistic supply.

So maybe the well is dry.

Maybe the other source of narcissistic supply figured it out.

Maybe that person had already dated a narcissist and saw the red flags and got out early.

Whatever it is,

Remember a narcissist cannot exist alone.

They need a source of narcissistic supply.

So a sign that they're coming back is that they begin to text your friend.

They send you a text saying that,

Oh,

It was an accident.

So you get an accidental butt call from a narcissist or you get a butt call from a narcissist and there's no one on the line.

This is them just trying to get on their radar.

And what they're wanting is they want you to text them back.

They want you to call them back,

Hey,

Are you okay?

I got a weird message from you at 1030 at night or one o'clock in the morning.

Just want to make sure you're okay.

It's all a lure.

They're trying to lure you back in.

Don't fall for it.

They will reach out about a common friend to test you and to see if you will bite the bait.

So they might say,

Oh,

Did you hear about Karen?

I know I introduced you to Karen.

Well,

Karen just broke her leg or her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

And I know you and I aren't talking anymore,

But I figured maybe you'd like to know that information.

So again,

It's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

This guy or this girl couldn't care less about Karen and her breast cancer or her mother or her dog that's sick.

No,

They don't care what they're doing or nor can they care about you.

What they're doing is how can I get into this person's headspace without overtly saying I want to get into their headspace.

And this is the way they do it,

These sneaky manipulative tactics.

So they'll use a common friend and they'll call you directly rather than the butt call,

Another sign,

And start talking about that person and hope that you take the bait.

The other thing that they will is they will snoop your social media.

So all of a sudden you'll get a like on social media or you'll notice they're watching your stories on Instagram.

So they're looking to see what you're doing.

They want to keep tabs on you.

And they want you to know that they see you.

Again,

This is their way of getting on your radar and it's a ploy,

Right?

It's a cowardly act,

But they're hoping that maybe you'll reach out to them because you see that they're on your social media.

They might send you a card for your birthday or they might send you flowers for your mother's birthday and say,

Hey,

You know,

I know your mother's birthday,

Please give her these flowers from me.

Or you might receive a letter in the mail,

Which is a long winded explanation as to why this person broke up with you and he never intended to hurt you,

That he wished things turned out differently,

Or he understands why you broke up with him.

It could seem like a pseudo acknowledgement of what went wrong,

But it's a covert operation.

What is really going on is how can I get on this person's radar to trigger a response from them?

Why?

So they can pull you into the cycle again.

If you think about narcissistic abuse,

Think about a Ferris wheel and think about the narcissist is always in the Ferris wheel,

Never comes off the Ferris wheel.

That person is always in that seat.

What happens is the door swings open and various people become their first source of narcissistic supply.

When the relationship goes around and goes around and they open the door and you get kicked out,

It can feel very bewildering.

But remember that narcissist can't sit in that Ferris wheel for too long alone.

They're always going to be looking for the next person to pull in.

So this is really important information to know.

When you acknowledge that a narcissist cannot see you,

It's not about loving you.

They love the idea of you loving them.

They love the idea of having control over how you see them.

They love being able to pull you down.

So you're happy.

Ooh,

That's not good for a narcissist.

They have to pull the air right out of your sail.

Oh,

You're having a good day.

Oh,

It's your birthday.

They have to pull that excitement right out of your sail.

That's how they maintain control over you.

And remember,

A narcissist cannot generate their own energy.

And so they're always looking to someone from the outside to glom the energy off of that person.

Remember that a narcissist cannot generate their own source of happy emotions.

And I'm not so sure narcissists are happy at all.

I think the most that they could experience is some sort of emotional regulation,

Which really isn't real emotional regulation,

Because they need to control and dominate other people to feel some sense of balance.

And so they're not in balance,

Which is why they need someone to balance them,

Which is why they need to take from you in terms of energy through domination,

Through power and control.

So what do we learn from all this?

Well,

Once you understand that there are wolves in sheep's clothing,

They do exist,

That the world is as light as it is dark,

That there are good people and not so well-intended people,

And that they exist.

This is why we teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street.

Wolves in sheep's clothing exist.

Liars exist.

Pathological liars exist.

People that lack empathy exist.

People that are grandiose exist.

People that are unable to feel or acknowledge the emotions of other people,

Who in addition have a grandiose sense of self,

Who are delusional,

Have this story in their head about who they are.

They are far more intelligent,

Far more beautiful than they actually think they are,

But this is a story they tell themselves.

And so people that live like this are also entitled.

These people exist.

And so moving into relationships and moving around society as if this doesn't exist doesn't make sense.

It's the reason we walk into a DSW and we try on various types of shoes,

To see if they fit.

We don't assume that every size seven and a half is going to fit.

We have to understand that some relationships will fit,

Some relationships will not fit,

But it's up to us to determine that through logic and reason.

So we want to understand that in society and in relationships,

Especially if we have childhood trauma,

We are far more likely to attract someone in our adult life who matches the energy of our parents.

I didn't create the rule,

Dear one.

This is just the way it is.

If you had a narcissistic mother and she rejected you,

You had a narcissistic dad and he rejected you,

You are far more likely to experience this type of person in your adult life.

It's repetition compulsion.

We are trying to heal unresolved trauma.

We are trying to get an energy being that matches the energy of our parents to love us,

To connect with us,

To make us feel whole because that's the way it was supposed to be.

I was supposed to come to planet earth,

Be loved,

Be nurtured,

Connect to this.

Support systems are absolutely crucial when you're trying to heal from this because you're going to doubt your reality and your nervous system is going to be highly activated,

Especially if you come from childhood trauma because as a result of childhood trauma,

You don't know it,

But subconsciously you are attracting people who mirror the energy of your parents.

The good news is that if you are coming out of this trauma and you recognize this,

These are patterns that you can actually heal through elevating your consciousness.

It will take effort.

I'm not someone who's like,

Oh yeah,

Read a book.

It's going to be better.

No,

You literally have to unlearn,

You have to relearn and you need an entirely new set of tools.

I know it sounds daunting,

But the effort is worth it because your life will completely change.

And I mean,

I'm evidence.

I was attracting narcissistic people,

Couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.

I was really bewildered by it until I finally sunk my teeth into the recovery journey and it took about a year,

Year and a half of really serious recovery work.

But you know,

That was many years ago and today I'm living a beautiful life.

I love my husband and they were an amazing relationship,

Very mutually satisfying.

And that wouldn't have happened unless I actually tried to change my programming and change what was happening inside of me.

And so you can do this,

Dear one.

It's very important that you recognize the signs of when a narcissist is trying to get back into your life.

Do not go into fantasy thinking.

Do not go into cognitive distortions.

Do not be tricked into thinking that this person actually cares about you and wants to come back into your life because they love you.

What they love is the source of narcissistic supply that you are for them.

What they love is not being alone on that Ferris wheel.

Reviews

Very informative. Thank you.

as always great info 🤍🕊️🤍🕊️🤍🕊️🤍🕊️🤍🕊️🤍

Thanks 🙏 Lisa, love all you do! You help so many people ❤️