Rejecting A Narcissist: Part Two

Rejecting a narcissist is not like ending a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature, or emotionally regulated. Rejecting a narcissist is akin to sticking your arm into the mouth of a hungry lion. Narcissists require power and control over others, and so when a source of narcissistic supply dares to say NO MORE, there are significant consequences that one must be prepared for. This is part two of Rejecting a Narcissist, and in this episode, you will learn about some predictable behaviors a narcissist will reveal, which can help you get out ahead of what to expect. The more you understand about their predictable behavior, the less controlled you will be by their manipulation tactics.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today,

We're going to be talking about what happens when you reject a narcissist because you have finally figured out who they really are.

So a narcissist is someone who is self-absorbed,

Who feels entitled to exploit the emotions of other people.

They don't understand cause and effect.

They are not responsible for their actions.

They don't understand that the way that they behaved is the reason you said no more.

They won't understand that you have a right as an individual to feel what you feel,

To change direction,

To act like an autonomous human being,

And to say enough is enough.

And so because of this,

You will be punished.

And like I said,

If you spend enough time being objective,

What you will recognize over time is that this person is delusional.

So here are some of the specific things that you can expect if you reject a narcissist once you have finally figured out who they are.

So they will seek to assassinate your character.

This can be done publicly,

Privately,

And professionally.

So publicly,

They may want to humiliate you on Facebook.

They may want to humiliate you at a family dinner.

They may want to humiliate you in front of a group of friends.

They might grab the microphone at a wedding and embarrass you.

So that's not uncommon.

Privately,

Between the two of you,

You may receive the most vile,

Vindictive,

Nasty,

Degrading,

Demoralizing,

Dehumanizing text messages ever.

You may get a bunch of emails that are absolutely disgusting,

That makes your head want to explode.

Like you'll read this and think,

What is going on?

Like how could she say this?

Or how could he say this?

And so don't be surprised if privately,

Through text messages,

Through phone calls,

Through emails,

And face-to-face meetings,

Which is when it's just the two of you,

That you are called all sorts of names.

You will be yelled at,

Possibly raged at.

And so it's important to arm yourself and just know that this could possibly happen.

Professionally,

Do not be surprised if there is a Google review about your business that is negative.

Do not be surprised if they gather up flying monkeys and they start saying negative things about you and your business.

Do not be surprised if they send people into,

If you own a store,

You send people into the store to say nasty things about you or to start spreading rumors about your business.

They will do just about anything to hurt you professionally.

Now this is done in two different ways.

This can be done overtly,

Where it's obvious what's going on.

Or it can be done covertly,

Where the person is smug and passive-aggressive,

Socially rejects you,

Finds ways to humiliate you publicly by socially rejecting you,

By making sure that you feel ashamed of yourself,

Right?

So a rumor gets started about you that is not true.

And so sometimes this ability to assassinate your character,

Sometimes it'll be completely covert,

And then other times you'll notice that this person is being covert.

They may send,

Like I said earlier,

They might send other people to do their dirty work.

So it's important that you know it may not always be overt,

It could be covert.

They become childish,

So expect them to throw tantrums.

Adults are able to think things out rationally,

Even when they're hurt.

I mean,

We all have terrible moments where we lash out,

We all have moments that we're not proud of.

But healthy adults recognize that that behavior is not healthy,

And they recognize that it's unacceptable,

They recognize that amends should be made,

And there is a desire to change their behavior and to become better,

A better version of themself.

When you think about a two-year-old,

A two-year-old has no concept of being better than they are in that moment.

And so when you're dealing with a grown-up who is a narcissist,

It literally,

If you take a giant step back,

It's like dealing with a giant child.

And if you have children,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five,

Six-year-olds,

And you've ever said no to them in the middle of a toy store,

You have gotten a glimpse into how a narcissist can react.

Throw a couple of hundred pounds on this two-year-old,

And you've got a narcissist.

And it's important to recognize that when you reject a narcissist,

You are basically saying no,

You don't get to abuse me anymore,

And essentially,

I'm not going to be your source of blood anymore.

I'm not going to be your source of narcissistic supply.

And narcissists cannot regulate themselves without narcissistic supply.

So you have thrown a monkey wrench into their entire world.

And so you will find that they become extremely childish.

So how does that show up?

So it can end up in physical abuse.

It can take the form of yelling,

Raging.

They can become intimidating and argumentative,

Obviously.

They can want to destroy you financially.

They can find ways to try to turn your children against you.

And so think about how children react when they're hurt and when they're angry.

They say all sorts of things.

They ignore you.

They will treat you as if you were the worst person in the world.

So you've been a great mom for four years,

And you tell your four-year-old she can't have the little cupcake stand from Target,

And she is angry,

And she says things like,

I hate you,

And you're the worst mommy in the world,

And I want to go live with grandma.

Then she tells your husband that you're the worst mother in the world,

And you were so mean to her.

Just add 20 or 30 years to that type of a mindset,

And that's what will happen when you reject a narcissist.

Another thing that they do is they can go into triangulation.

They will go into your world,

And they will do everything that they can to make it look like you were the one who was crazy.

They want to gain sympathy and empathy from other people.

They're really looking for sources of narcissistic supply because you have cut them off from their main branch.

Don't be surprised if they call in their flying monkeys,

Pretend that you're the crazy one,

And act completely fine in public,

Even though behind closed doors,

They're doing everything they can to punish you for rejecting them.

Triangulation is done sometimes even before you reject them.

This is so they're really hedging their bets.

In case you do reject them,

Because that is their worst fear that you reject them,

That you abandon them,

In case that happens,

They've already set the stage for gaining the empathy,

The sympathy,

And the praise in the event the relationship falls apart.

But don't be surprised if as soon as you begin to reject them,

They start to understand that you figured them out.

They start triangulating you with your kids,

Even with your mother,

With your father,

With your brother.

I've experienced this myself,

And I'm just getting goosebumps just recalling how terrible it was to have my own parents take my ex aside,

And what a struggle it was to recognize what was going on.

But just as a caveat,

I played the role of a codependent so well.

In other words,

I didn't think that I had a right to feel the way I felt,

And so I was incredibly unhappy,

But I didn't feel like my feelings were valid.

I felt that being unhappy meant that I was failed.

I failed somehow.

I was somehow selfish.

I was doing life wrong.

And it took me many years to develop the ability to look within and to accept that I was unhappy,

And that I had a right to feel this way and do something about it.

So another thing that they will do is they will try to make you feel guilty.

So they will want you to take responsibility for the relationship ending.

So they'll say things like,

Oh,

Look what you've done.

This is all your fault.

The family's going to break up because of you.

Not because they're cruel,

Not because they're passive aggressive,

Not because they cheated and they lied and they're vindictive and all this.

No,

That's not why the relationship's coming to an end.

In their head,

The relationship is coming to an end because you just want a divorce,

Because you want to be single,

Because you're just sick of being married.

These are the types of things that I heard.

It twisted my brain for so long because in my head,

I was very clear as to why I was getting divorced.

But what came out of my ex's mouth was,

You just want to be single.

And then I think,

Is that true?

Do I just want to be single?

And it really threw me for a loop because it made me doubt my reality.

It made me doubt that we were as dysfunctional as we were.

So don't be surprised if you hear things like,

You're going against the church,

God doesn't want us to get divorced,

You're a sinner,

You're selfish,

You're a Jezebel,

You're all of these terrible,

Terrible things.

This is just some choice.

This is just some flippant,

Fickle choice that you're making.

Oh,

You want to marry me one day,

Now you don't want to be married to me anymore,

And it's all your fault.

It's like you just pulled this need to end this relationship and completely transform and change your life for no reason.

You just felt like it.

Again,

Remember,

A narcissist doesn't understand cause and effect.

You have to be a very introspective person.

You have to be mature to understand cause and effect.

And in addition,

Be self-aware enough to take responsibility for your part in the drama that is being played out.

I'm very grateful that while I was going through my divorce,

I understood my part in it.

I recognized where I had gone wrong.

I wanted to fix my marriage.

He was not interested in it.

It got worse.

We left a therapy session one day,

He said,

Get a lawyer.

And I thought,

Okay,

And I called his bluff.

He thought that telling me to get a lawyer was going to cripple me.

Truth be told,

I was crippled,

But I crawled on my hands and my knees until I figured it out because staying in that relationship to me was in many ways the end of my life.

Because the only way that I could survive that relationship is if I completely acquiesced and pretended I didn't see and didn't feel what I felt.

And then on top of that,

It was recognizing consciously having that awakening that,

Oh my God,

I was programming my children to be codependent also,

Just like my parents had done for me,

My brother and my sister.

And I could not live with that once I saw it.

And so when he said,

Get an attorney,

He didn't expect me to do so.

And I did.

And that was the beginning of the absolute end.

But I heard all of the things that you can imagine were said.

That I was crazy.

I was just making this up.

I was selfish.

He actually accused me of being gay.

He said I was a lesbian and that's why I wanted to get a divorce.

I mean,

You name it,

I was called it.

And so don't be surprised if they turn everything around and try to make you feel guilty and mess with your reality.

So you question your right to make these decisions and move forward in your life.

Another thing that they will do is they will love bomb you.

They will fawn and they will acquiesce and they will people please.

And for a short time,

They may even seem like they're subjugating what they need for your needs.

So it's not uncommon for a narcissist to come crawling back and suddenly everything that you've ever complained about,

They know how to do.

I had one client tell me that after I finally got the nerve to tell my husband that I wanted a divorce,

He suddenly knew how to load the dishwasher.

He suddenly remembered our anniversary.

He suddenly took showers at the end of a day.

He suddenly found a job.

He suddenly stopped drinking.

He suddenly started walking the dog.

He started to participate in the marriage.

He suddenly stopped yelling at the children.

He suddenly stopped raising his hands to the children.

And so in her mind,

It was too little too late,

But she definitely went through the love bombing phase.

She definitely went through the people pleasing phase with the narcissist after she decided to leave him.

She went through the fawning stage with him.

He absolutely fawned after her,

Love bombed her.

It looked like he was subjugating his own needs.

He stopped hanging out with the boys.

He stopped going to drink with his friends on the weekends.

He was suddenly emotionally available.

At least that's what it looked like on the surface.

It was just a manipulative tactic to try to hoover her back in.

And so you will notice that they buy you things.

They might send you flowers.

They suddenly find reasons to make you,

Well,

They find ways to make you suddenly feel good about yourself,

So they start complimenting you.

They tell you what you need to hear,

And they tell you what you've always wanted to hear.

So don't be surprised if when you finally reject a narcissist,

That the narcissist's hearing returns.

And suddenly the narcissist begins to pay attention to what you've said.

In reality,

If you're dealing with a narcissist,

This is very short-lived,

And this will last maybe a few months at best.

But in most cases,

This is just to lure you back in,

Just to secure you as the primary source of narcissistic supply,

And to get you back into a state of just intoxication.

So you are unable to hold the narcissist accountable for how they're treating you in the relationship.

And lastly,

Although I'm sure there are many other,

It's possible that you've been through different things that I haven't listed here today,

But another thing that will happen once the narcissist pretty much believes that it's over is they start showing off their new source of narcissistic supply.

And they pretend like they're not wounded,

Even though they may have their flying monkeys spying on you,

Even though they may be stalking you online or physically,

Even though they may be writing negative reviews about your business,

Even though they may be smearing your name publicly,

Professionally,

And privately,

Even though they may be talking about you behind your back to your child's teachers at school.

I mean,

You name it.

Going to the priest,

Telling the priest a bunch of lies about you.

I mean,

You name it.

There's not much,

Because narcissists lack empathy,

There's not much,

And they're vindictive.

There's not much that they don't do if it's something that comes to their mind.

There aren't many lines a narcissist won't cross once you've triggered them,

Once they have felt abandoned by you.

And it's not uncommon for a narcissist who you haven't even really abandoned or rejected,

They just feel like you have abandoned them or rejected them to act similar.

And so one of the last things that you'll notice with a narcissist is that even though you've rejected them,

And even though you're distraught over the loss of the relationship,

You're trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together,

You're ugly crying on the phone and on FaceTime,

Trying to divide up your dishes and figure out child visitation and figure out your finances,

And you're distraught over the end of the relationship,

Even though it's what you wanted,

It's still a painful experience.

It's not easy.

The narcissist acts like they couldn't care less.

How you feel is absolutely irrelevant.

They pretend like they're not hurting.

And that might be very,

Very confusing for you also.

So they're on Facebook,

They're on Twitter,

They're on Instagram,

They're on Snapchat,

And they're having a grand old time.

Don't be surprised if the narcissist is living with someone very shortly after your breakup.

Don't be surprised if a narcissist even gets married shortly after your breakup.

It is not uncommon for a narcissist,

The last thing that they do is they act like you haven't hurt them at all.

They act like you are completely insignificant.

And that can be really,

Really confusing.

And so I hope that this session,

If anything,

Has made you feel perhaps more validated.

You're not crazy if you're going through this type of relationship.

It takes time to wrap your head around what happened.

It takes time to process this idea that you've been living with someone who had a false self,

Who believed in their false self,

Who felt superior to you,

Who has you in their life because you made them feel good about them.

Not because they saw any real value in you as a person.

Not because they saw you as an autonomous 3D human being.

Not because they cared about you emotionally,

No.

It takes time for you to realize that this person had you in their life because they wanted to exploit you emotionally.

They're not aware that they're exploiting you emotionally in most cases,

But they did.

And even after the relationship ends and they are the one sending the vindictive,

Disgusting text messages and doing all of these nasty things and yelling and raging and acting all childish and ridiculous in their head,

You deserve it.

And so there is no self-awareness.

There is no introspection.

If they were to be able to be introspective,

Then they would discover that they're just as vulnerable and they're just like everybody else,

Which is the last thing a narcissist wants.

A narcissist needs to believe that they are special,

They are unique,

And that people just don't understand their greatness and that the world owes them something.

And in time,

The world will recognize just how amazing they are.

And until that time,

It's your job to mirror back this sense of grandiosity and superiority to the narcissist.

And when you pull the plug on that,

They ain't happy.

If you've found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and you feel like your mind is reeling,

I encourage you to just take time.

I encourage you to learn everything you can about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

I encourage you to investigate what it means to be trauma bonded,

Investigate what projection is,

Investigate what gaslighting is,

So you can get a real great understanding about what this is all about,

Because that'll help you feel like your feet are rooted on the ground.

One of the great things that happens when people listen to a podcast like this,

Or a YouTube video like this,

Or they read a blog post,

Is their life begins to make sense.

They suddenly have a why.

They understand why this happened.

They understand how it happened.

They understand what happened.

They're not so confused anymore.

It doesn't mean the pain is taken away,

But the confusion absolutely lessens.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that if you can see it,

You can heal it.

You cannot fix a hole in the wall you cannot see.

If you continually get involved with a narcissist,

If you're someone who has high empathy,

If you're someone who subjugates their needs for the sake of others,

If you are a people pleaser,

If you tend to enable people,

If you tend to be a fixer,

If you are codependent,

You have to know this about yourself because you have work to do and you have recovery to do.

Because if you don't,

You are a target and a magnet for people with narcissism.

What separates a healthy person from a codependent person are many things.

But one of the main things that we have to think about is that when we are codependent,

We stay in troubled relationships.

We don't set the boundaries necessary.

Healthy people set boundaries and they don't feel guilty about it.

They might struggle with doing it,

But they know that they have a right to do so.

That's not the case with the codependent.

Codependents struggle to set boundaries.

They feel like they're doing something wrong if they're setting a boundary.

They don't feel good enough.

They don't feel like they have a right to set a boundary and they feel guilty and responsible for things that are not their fault.

So if their narcissistic partner is angry,

It's their fault.

And below the veil of consciousness,

It's their fault because they are flawed,

Because they are not good enough.

There's something wrong with them.

If you were involved with a narcissist and you were codependent,

The narcissist will absolutely exploit everything you've ever shared with them,

Every vulnerability.

You tell a narcissist that you struggle with anxiety and when you have an argument,

Expect the narcissist to make fun of you because you said that you had anxiety.

Expect the narcissist to mock you.

Expect the narcissist to exploit you.

So be careful out there.

Before you start sharing your spiritual boo-boos with anyone,

Make sure the person that you're dealing with is not vindictive,

Is not narcissistic,

And actually holds everything that you share near and dear to their heart,

Whether you are with them or not.

Reviews

YES and I am grateful to you for sharing your experience and knowledge with me and others in the same situation
Namaste 🙏