Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa a Romano.
I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger Meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast So I wrote the mind games out and I also labeled them because I'm hoping that maybe you'll remember them Like when you're thinking about Wow,
Could this could I be involved with a narcissist or what mind game is this specifically?
So the first mind game that we'll talk about is I call it the fake out.
So what is the fake out?
So the fake out is they're faking empathy,
Right?
So they fake empathy their agenda is to get you to drop your guard,
Right?
So they show up in the beginning of the relationship like they seem really into you You know,
And especially if you're a codependent with low self-esteem like I was,
You know Or if you're someone who is who has high empathy You're going to feel so seen by this person who is going out of their way to make you feel seen And you're just gonna start telling them your stuff,
You know It's gonna feel so good to feel like you have someone in your corner But the problem is they're faking you out and you won't know it very oftentimes until it's too late And so when you need them the most that's when they will take something that you shared and they'll use it against you Or if they feel like they're losing an argument with you Suddenly they'll remind you of the thing that you told them that Might produce shame and do you or something that you feel bad about or whatever?
But that's when that happens to you if you're in a relationship with someone,
You know,
Just remember it.
Ah,
That's the fake-out They faked their empathy for me got me to reveal a secret about me and this is what's showing up so the second one is the one-up game,
So Narcissists are very interesting people and They can be very damaging.
Obviously.
Otherwise,
You wouldn't be having this conversation Narcissists need to live inside their head in this world that makes them believe that they are one-up meaning that They they need to believe that you believe that they are one up to you in other words Narcissists need to feel like you believe everything that they say that you are Controllable like they're going to be able to manipulate you.
So You're never on an equal playing field with a narcissist so their agenda is to stay one up So for instance if you come home from work and you say well my boss complimented me about this what will happen is They will what you'll notice is that they will either one up you and say oh,
Yeah My boss said this or whatever,
Right?
That's how they maintain that one-up crap or They might seem aloof or later on because you're feeling good and you know feeling good about yourself They have to bring you down.
I it took me 12 years to figure out what the hell Actually longer than that You know I got divorced because I was dying and I realized he was never going to change and I Programmed my children to be codependent But and the further you stay the longer you are away from a narcissistic relationship or an abusive relationship or just a dysfunctional relationship the clearer things become and the one thing that I found So interesting eventually was any time that I was up he had to pull me down and that is just being able to take me from Being happy to a place of being miserable.
That was the one-up game.
He felt like he won so That's the one-up game So number three,
It wasn't me,
You know So if you stay in a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits long enough You'll realize that their theme song should be it wasn't me because it doesn't matter What you what lie you catch them in it doesn't matter if you you know catch them cheating on you It doesn't matter if you know You know They lie about Being on a diet or they lie about having a personal trainer or they lie about how much money they make or they lie about What job that they have they lie about,
You know,
What their parents do for a living it what whatever like Narcissist lie,
It's part of their one-up game,
Right?
It's part of how they deal with their inability to be vulnerable with other people whatever But what you'll notice if you're in a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits long enough You're gonna notice that they never take accountability for anything at all.
And it was never them they get fired It wasn't because they showed up drunk if they get if they have an argument with someone in the street It wasn't because they sold their parking spot,
Right?
It's just it wasn't me Number number four is do you smell smoke?
So do you smell smoke is is also known as gaslighting?
And so what happens with gaslighting is and with the whole narcissism thing.
That's why it's so important to It get as much knowledge as you possibly can about narcissism and about relationships and especially about yourself because If you know,
You have to know if you're a target for a narcissist and once you can self-identify like yeah I do struggle with self-esteem.
Yeah,
You know,
I did have a difficult childhood Wow,
You know I do said I do tend to become codependent.
I do feel needy in relationships You know,
I do tend to overshare when I meet people you have to know this about yourself Because the narcissist is surveying the room,
Right?
And People with high empathy.
It's like blood in the water and sharks smell water And so you need to know yourself so you can identify yourself as someone who could attract a narcissist But when you're in an abusive relationship with the narcissist the problem with that is that you've already faked you out,
Right?
You've already told them your secrets.
They've already love bombs you They've you know,
You believe this person you you're getting addicted to you know The the dopamine that's getting released in your head and the oxytocin is flowing like wow I finally feel seen better.
So when someone gaslights you you don't Necessarily know in that moment.
Wow,
They just gaslit me like they're They're saying things that aren't true and they're getting a reaction out of me,
You know,
And I'm doubting myself You don't know what's happening,
Right?
But That's why I called this mind game.
Do you smell smoke because once what you have to understand is That if you feel confused and if you feel dazed and if you're questioning your reality That's smoke and where there is smoke there will be fire So if you feel dazed and if you feel confused,
I heard someone else I forgot the name of the doctor that said that if you feel like you should be recording the conversations that you're having because when you Confront the narcissist or the person that you're in a relationship with later on and say but you said this and they say no it in You know you start to doubt yourself.
That's a song that smoke.
So that's why I labeled that mind game this mind game Do you smell smoke if you smell smoke?
There's fire pay attention Number five is analyze this so we don't really know it like if you were You know a codependent person if you're someone high empathy or you know,
You're being you know You're just a you know,
You're pretty healthy person right and a narcissist has marked you right?
You don't know that they're analyzing you Right,
You don't know that they're listening to everything that you're saying.
They're cataloging it.
They're remembering Everything about your childhood.
They're remembering how much money you make they're remembering where you work They're remembering,
You know What your favorite color is right like they're just remembering every every wound that you've ever had and they're analyzing you right?
So,
You know if you're in a relationship with someone and You find that they consistently want the conversation on you and they don't divulge personal information This is not completely 100% you know,
It's gonna work because they're a narcissist and I Was I met one not that long ago that?
Did not do this.
So This person she would not have fit this category She told us stories about her life.
We believed everything.
She said we didn't know it was a lie So there are narcissists that do that will divulge information.
You just won't know that everything's a lie So this isn't a hundred percent You know fail-proof,
But if you're in a relationship with somebody and you notice that They keep the conversation on you pay attention and Pay attention to how they react when you ask them,
You know inquiring questions about themselves Are they uncomfortable with with sharing information about themselves?
Do they keep redirecting the conversation towards you?
I think that's doesn't mean that the person's a narcissist by any means and This video and the kind of work that I do is really for people who have come out of the codependent fog And they're beginning to realize how you know their childhoods created codependency with you know within them And then they as adults went out manifested narcissistic relationships,
And now they're trying to piece their lives back together So I am NOT saying that that's somebody who asks a lot of questions and as inquisitive and is inquisitive is a narcissist I'm just saying if you see a pattern of feeling confused if you see a Pattern of it wasn't me if you see a pattern of the one-up game See if you can also notice the times where this person may also be analyzing other people or analyzing you something to look out for
