Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,
The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self.
I'm Lisa A.
Romano,
Your host.
As an award winning author and certified life coach,
I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.
I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.
My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.
In this podcast,
I'll share insights,
Tools,
And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.
If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused,
Like questioning yourself,
Or wondering how it is that this conversation all just got turned around on you,
Even though you walked into the conversation feeling pretty self-confident.
Dear one,
It's not like you're missing something.
Something much deeper is going on.
You may have been trained to override actually what you do see.
And today,
That's what we're going to be talking about.
I want to show you three simple ways to help you reveal narcissistic patterns in someone that you might know or love.
Without confrontation,
Without labeling,
And without escalating anything,
Because you absolutely do not want to fight or argue with a narcissist.
But more importantly,
What I'm hoping that you're going to understand is why you see it.
And why we oftentimes stay stuck,
Even though we think we know what's going on.
And if you are codependent or if you have grown up in a home of emotional neglect,
You already don't trust yourself.
And this is an issue.
So most people try to figure narcissists out.
They tend to analyze.
They replay conversations.
They try to explain themselves better to a narcissist or someone that is very difficult in their life.
All of this analyzing just keeps you trapped and stuck inside your own head and what actually sets you free is learning how to observe behavior without abandoning yourself and that's why I love straightforward straight shooting questions that help clarify what it is that you're dealing with and these three moments or these three questions that I'm going to give you will show you everything that you need to see and it's not about theory It's through real-time awareness.
It's through seeing things so clearly that you can't miss it.
So no more circling your head analyzing and wondering whether or not this person is or isn't a narcissist or does has high narcissistic traits.
The first thing we're going to address is boundaries.
So if you want to flesh out whether or not someone's a narcissist or not,
Just say I won't be able to do that when they ask you to do something.
You don't over explain.
There's no over-justifying.
You just say,
No,
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to be able to do that.
And then you sit back and you watch.
Now,
What you're looking for is you're observing what weapon are they going to use.
Are they going to guilt trip you?
Are they going to change the tone?
Are they going to act disappointed in a way that makes you feel responsible?
Are they going to push again?
Or is it going to be more subtle?
Or do they just respect it?
So we want to understand that this contrast of knowing what a healthy person would do versus an unhealthy person also helps us gain clarity.
A healthy person might feel disappointed,
But they're going to respect the fact that you told them the truth and you set this boundary.
Now someone who is operating from a more narcissistic paradigm or a narcissistic pattern.
Will experience your boundary as a loss of control.
And your body is going to sense that shift immediately.
You're going to know that they took that boundary.
Very seriously and like a threat.
Now the problem is if that you were raised to keep the peace as I was as a codependent raised by unhealed adult children of alcoholics,
Once you sense their disappointment you're going to feel the urge to explain more.
You're going to feel the urge to soften the boundary or maybe even retreat or take it back.
And this is where everything begins to change.
When you decide to do this work more constantly,
You decide not to fix their reaction.
You simply observe it because you're just collecting data.
The next thing we're going to be testing for is accountability because narcissists never take accountability.
So that's what we're testing for.
So you would say something like,
Can we talk about what happened earlier or yesterday?
Just neutral,
You'll be open,
You're calm,
Just can we talk about what happened yesterday?
And all you do again is you just watch,
You observe.
So what you're looking for is a few signs that would Indicate that they are narcissistic.
Are they deflecting?
Do they minimize you?
Do they blame you?
Do they rewrite the situation?
Did it do they take you on a circular loop?
Or can they pause and reflect?
Now,
You're not looking for a perfect apology.
Because a lot of people,
Their ego gets activated when you say,
Can we talk about this thing?
But you are looking for a capacity for self-awareness.
You're looking for a capacity for cooperation.
Because someone who cannot tolerate accountability cannot participate in a healthy relationship.
They're not interested in cooperation.
And so if this is what you notice,
It's going to help you understand clearly,
Without having to analyze,
This is what you're dealing with.
And here's why a lot of people get stuck.
Because what a codependent person will do is we're going to keep explaining why we want to talk,
Hoping to be understood.
We're going to keep trying to explain why we need to negotiate.
But you're not dealing with someone who's misunderstanding.
You're dealing with someone who is avoiding responsibility.
So it's very,
Very different.
It's so important that you see that distinction.
So instead of you trying harder,
To get this person to meet you at the table,
You begin to ask,
Can this person take ownership of anything?
Am I in a relationship with someone who can take ownership of anything?
Or am I in a relationship with somebody who takes responsibility for nothing?
The third test is what I call the autonomy test,
And it's pretty simple.
Just say to them,
Well,
I see things a little differently.
No argument,
No defense,
Just your truth.
You see it your way,
And I see it my way.
And again,
You sit back and you watch.
Are you allowed to be autonomous?
Or Do they take your autonomy as a threat?
Do they become irritated?
Do they try to correct you?
What's wrong with you?
How could you see it that way?
Do they escalate the situation?
Do they dismiss your perspective?
Or can they give you the space to exist as a separate person from them who thinks differently than they do?
Because narcissistic patterns struggle with separation.
You're not allowed to disagree with them.
And if you do,
There's something wrong with you and they have to convince you that that's what's really wrong.
If you think differently,
It feels like an actual threat to them.
And here's why if you grew up in a toxic home or if you're a codependent,
If you grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to disagree.
This moment will feel uncomfortable for you on every level in your body.
You may start to ruminate.
You'll doubt yourself.
You might start to feel tense.
You might start to feel anxious,
Shaky.
Once you know that they're unhappy with your autonomy,
You might want to backtrack.
And you might have a tendency to want to just agree with them.
And you have to understand that's not because you're wrong.
That's because your nervous system learned that it's not safe to be myself.
Your inner child learned it is not safe to be me and this is why so many codependents stay in these types of relationships because they have an inner child.
Remember your inner child is your subconscious mind and your inner child has all these patterns and programs that are arresting them.
Keeping them in these toxic relationships.
So these three moments don't just reveal the other person,
They also can reveal your conditioning.
So how you respond to someone else's response is very indicative.
It gives you a lot of information about where you are because if you were raised by a narcissistic or emotionally unavailable or unpredictable parent,
Then you were trained to disown yourself.
You were trained to override your boundaries.
You were trained and conditioned at the subconscious level to over explain yourself,
To feel responsible for other people's emotions.
You were trained to question your own reality.
You just thought that I just have to explain it and then they'll get it or I really am going to be able to change this person if I change enough.
So when someone reacts poorly to you,
Your mind may see it clearly,
But your body says,
Fix this.
Don't lose this connection.
Codependents are not happy with the separation either.
This is all goes back to the subconscious conditioning and it's important that we recognize that this isn't a weakness This is simply conditioning that we have not confronted We can't fix holes in the walls that we can't see and codependency is a hole in the wall that we must see and This is why awareness alone Doesn't set you free because knowing that you're codependent knowing that you do this knowing that you found your people,
Please Because even when you know better your nervous system is still going to run the old That's why we have to flush out these patterns.
We have to flush out these programs and that is the key to ridding yourself of the attraction to narcissists.
So do you want now instead of asking yourself?
Are they a narcissist instead of going around the mulberry bush?
You begin to start asking much more profound and much deeper questions.
You start asking yourself like what happens when I set a boundary?
What happens when I speak up?
What happens when I am myself?
And I just want to have a different opinion.
And this is how you move out of the confusion.
And this is how you move into clarity.
And once you move into clarity,
Then you're out of rumination.
So you're above the veil of consciousness,
And you're not inside your conditioning anymore.
And this is when you experience the most breakthroughs.
And if this is resonating with you,
If you're realizing that the issue isn't just what others are doing or what others are saying,
You're realizing how deeply you've been conditioned at the subconscious level to abandon yourself in response and reaction to other people.
Then this is your next level of work.
This is why you're here.
You're here to override these patterns,
Override these programs,
And to find your way back to your intrinsic innate self,
Because codependency isn't just about relationships at all.
That's how it manifests,
But it's a subconscious pattern rooted in childhood.
So your subconscious mind is your inner child,
And its codependency lives in your thoughts and your emotional responses and is weaved into your nervous system.
And until you learn how to work at this level,
Those patterns are going to rule your life.
So you can see clearly and still feel stuck.
You can know that you're codependent,
Know that this person's a narcissist,
Know that you over explain,
And still stay stuck.
