#1 Sign You're Healing Childhood Trauma

Are you an adult child from a toxic, narcissistic, alcoholic, or emotionally neglectful home? And are you on the inner child healing journey? If so, you'll want to understand how to tell if you're healing and on the right track. In this episode of Breakdown to Breakthrough, Lisa A. Romano, codependency expert, and mental wellness coach, shares her #1 sign you're healing from childhood trauma.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Namaste,

Everybody.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano,

The Breakthrough Life Coach.

Today,

We're going to be talking about a simple way,

A simple self-check where you'll be able to gauge whether or not you are on the healing path and just how healed you are after a traumatic event or a traumatic childhood and what are some of the markers that you can look for that can help you guide your path as you come back to the sacred self.

In my personal opinion,

You know that you are healed or you know that you're moving towards healing the more objective that you become and the less reactive you become.

And that can sometimes be difficult for people to hear because sometimes in the self-help community when we're talking about trauma,

We're talking about things that have really,

Really pained us and wound us at a visceral level,

Things like parental narcissistic abuse,

For example,

Or narcissistic abuse from a person that we loved,

Or the development of our own codependency and now our blind spots as to how overly dependent and reliant we are to help people respond to us to make us feel stable.

And as a codependent,

When I am overly dependent on other people,

I'm essentially powerless.

And I'm saying that I'm going to do all of these things for you in exchange for you validating me,

For you affirming me,

For you making me the center of your world so that I can feel okay.

So the exchange for a codependent is I'm going to take care of you,

I'm going to do everything that I possibly can when I'm home,

I'm going to take care of all the kids,

I'm going to help with the food shopping,

I'm going to help with doctor appointments,

I'm just going to do,

Do,

Do,

Do,

Do,

But now you owe me.

And lots of codependents don't realize that that is the exchange.

When a codependent is in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic,

What happens then is that dynamic where a codependent is so willing to give,

A codependent is over-empathetic oftentimes,

And this exchange gets so toxic because the receiver of all of this,

I want to do good for you,

I want to take care of you,

In this situation,

A narcissistic person,

It's never enough.

And now what happens is you'll be gaslit and your sense of reality will be messed with so that you as a codependent feel like it is absolutely your responsibility to keep them happy.

You're on the hook now.

So childhood trauma has gotten you on the hook because now the innate desire for you to fix and take care of and rescue,

Looking for this external validation is going to be completely exploited in a toxic relationship with someone who's highly narcissistic.

When a codependent is in a relationship with someone who's relatively healthy,

Not perfect,

Who's perfect,

But when a codependent is in a relationship with someone who's relatively healthy,

Their need for approval and validation,

The pat on the back,

Makes them highly,

Highly sensitive to criticism and they will take everything personally,

Even you wanting to go take a shower when they're home,

Well,

Why can't you take a shower when I'm not home?

Or you wanting to spend some time with your friends,

Well,

Aren't I enough for you?

Why do you have to hang out with your friends?

I don't hang out with my friends as so much.

Why do you have to hang out with your friends?

So it's not healthy to be a codependent and whether you're in a relationship with someone who is relatively healthy or you're in a relationship with a narcissist will really determine how far down a rabbit hole you go.

But neither is good because someone who is highly codependent can frustrate someone who is relatively healthy.

If that person has good boundaries,

Then that's only going to trigger a codependent more,

Cause resentment,

And that's where I think codependency becomes a super,

Super slippery slope where you can develop a sense of righteousness,

But I'm the one that's doing everything.

I know that I,

My codependency,

My blind spots,

My subconscious programming,

My reactivity,

My desire to manipulate and control how people treated me,

Thinking that I was doing the right thing was how far I got down the rabbit hole to the point where I was full of inflammation and resentment and my thoughts were not that good.

And so how I was able to recognize that I was healing,

In my own opinion,

My litmus test was how reactive are you?

How objective are you when people don't give you what you want?

How reactive are you when people don't read your mind?

How objective are you when people start doing things in their experience that represent their autonomy and their right to do whatever it is that they want to do with their life?

How objective are you about someone's right to not like you,

To write something about you on the internet that is their opinion of you?

How objective are you and how reactive are you to when things happen to you that are outside your control?

I personally think that our journey is a spiritual one,

But you cannot separate spirit from mind.

So you can't separate spirituality and spiritual growth from psychological growth.

All of us are born into a physical experience and we're given a role.

Our gender is a role.

Our religion is a role or our faith,

Our culture comes with certain roles.

Our parents give us roles.

They give us expectations.

So we don't even realize that the spiritual beings that we are and the developing psychological beings that we become is very much role-based and role-given by someone and something outside of ourselves.

And so then we have all come to break through the role that was given so that we can become autonomous,

Self-actualize and become the true self.

My goal is to help people awaken to the matrix or the paradigm that they were born into and to help them move through these stages of growth.

Sometimes they're spiritual stages,

Sometimes they're mental and emotional stages,

But essentially the outcome is objectivity.

It is emotional intelligence.

And so we have all these different labels in this world.

Some of us are working with therapists.

Some of us are working with energy healers.

Some of us are working with both.

Some of us are going down the spiritual growth path and we have an evolved person or mentor that we feel has made the breakthrough,

That they have gained the self-awareness,

The mental and emotional control,

And they can be our mentor.

And I think that's great,

But I don't think that we can separate any part of it.

So some of us feel more comfortable speaking about spiritual language.

Some of us feel more comfortable speaking about the metaphysical aspect of reality.

Some of us feel more comfortable talking about the quantum science,

Which in my humble opinion all points to the non-physical or the paranormal even,

In which all things that are physical come from the non-physical.

So while most people at this stage of reality and our timeline as humans,

Although I do think that's shifting,

Most people are still paying attention to the manifestation,

But yet every manifestation is the result of something that was non-physical,

Even disease.

Before a tumor evolved and you could see it on a CAT scan,

It was non-physical.

It was something that was not tangible.

It was the beginning of maybe enzymatic or enzyme reactions within the body.

There was some deprivation or disease or some lack within the body that created this cascade of events that eventually manifested into something that's tangible.

What is a divorce?

What is a divorce decree except the opposite of a marriage license?

What is a decision to get a divorce anything less than the opposite end of marriage vows?

You can see there's a continuity.

There's no such thing as separation.

You can't separate the marriage from the divorce.

They're actually one and the same.

It's what the yin-yang symbol symbolizes.

You can't separate night from day or day from night.

So you can't separate the sun from the sky or the sky from the sun.

Everything is on a continuum.

Now we have tremendous power in our lives to agree that this is the way it works.

Then we step back and we get out of our own ego,

Our own personality self,

And we start thinking about what really represents healing and how do I know if I'm healed?

This is really important because it represents emotional intelligence.

It represents cognitive function,

High cognitive function.

It implies that neurologically we're not trapped in the amygdala and hippocampus,

Which is so profound.

It means that the default mode network in my brain,

Which has been primed by the reticular activating system,

Which has been primed by my attention to what's happening outside of me.

If I have a lot of painful experiences that are happening to me as a child as they relate to abandonment,

Then I'm on the lookout for how to avoid abandonment.

I'm developing hypervigilance and in my hypervigilance I'm training the reticular activating system to pay attention to potential abandonment.

That's why if you're a codependent and you don't deal with this abandonment issue,

You don't realize that you could have a perfectly healthy spouse or a perfectly healthy friend or you might be in an environment at work where everybody is doing their thing and they feel part of a team,

But codependents often feel like they're getting shafted,

That they're not getting enough attention,

They're not getting enough praise.

What they do is that they work harder than other people when they don't have to because subconsciously they're looking for that kickback.

And then psychologically below the veil,

When they feel that dissonance,

When they don't feel like they've gotten what they expected to receive,

Which is just a mirror for a childhood pattern,

That's when a codependent can start to feel really,

Really wounded,

Very,

Very abandoned,

Very,

Very rejected.

And their answer is to isolate.

Their answer is to shut down.

It's really,

Really dysfunctional,

But there is a way out because codependency is just you operating below the veil,

Almost like a video game character with a set of blueprints or a program that was naturally created in you as a child to help you avoid the abandonment.

And so until you deal with that,

This is going to run your ship.

And I always say you can't fix a hole in the wall that you don't see.

And this was my life.

What happened to me in my life was the divorce had to happen because in my opinion,

My partner had high vulnerable narcissistic traits.

And so he kept taking and he kept taking and he felt entitled.

And it was a matter,

I believe,

Because he said it often,

That he just thought I was crazy.

So there was this one up thing.

And because he thought I was crazy,

I just thought I have to prove to him that I'm not crazy.

And how do you do that to someone who has narcissistic traits?

You just conform and become more and more and more of what you think they want you to be.

And that's how you get sick as a codependent.

That's how I think many codependents end up with dementia because I cannot use my guidance system.

I cannot become my true self.

I cannot activate other areas of my brain because I'm only running the ship from the amygdala and the hippocampus.

And I'm tied psychologically,

Energetically,

And spiritually to this experience.

And that's all that I can experience.

And so therefore,

I'm not able to tap into creativity.

I can't tap into the prefrontal lobe.

I can't tap into rational thinking.

I can't allow my brain to become synchronized.

I can't let my heart and my brain become synchronized.

I can't experience coherence because I think this person is someone that I need to please.

But yet,

When you're in a relationship with someone who is impossible to please and who needs to maintain dominance and control over your relationship,

And you are highly codependent,

You stay stuck.

So how you can figure out whether or not you're really,

How well you're doing on the healing path,

How well is therapy going for you,

How well is your spiritual growth going,

Is you have to take a giant step back and ask yourself,

Am I less reactive to when I don't get what I want?

How objective am I when I think about the fact that,

And I can give you a great example.

I knew I was healing the moment that my mother and father announced many years ago that they were moving to another state,

Right in the middle of my separation and my divorce.

And my ex was not very nice to me.

It took him seven years to back off.

And the codependent in me was,

You're abandoning me again.

How could you leave me when I'm at the worst point of my life?

And I remember being in their kitchen and I was standing up against a doorway and I was watching this dynamic play out.

And my brother was really not doing well.

My brother felt very abandoned.

He was very reactive.

He could hardly control himself,

Very emotionally dysregulated in the moment.

And he looked at me and he said,

Lee,

You're going to let this happen.

You're not going to say anything.

Hand to God,

I said,

They are allowed to make any decision they want.

They have raised their children and they feel like they want to move to Pennsylvania with our younger sister and her husband at the time.

He was alive at the time.

If they feel as adults and as our parents that this is what they want to do,

They have every right in the world to do it.

Now,

I knew that that was me learning to become objective and to detach from the feeling of being abandoned.

I did not want,

And I still do not want,

Any feeling to govern my life.

That is not emotional intelligence.

That is not self-mastery.

And I was awakening enough to realize that the demons that I felt swirling,

Or I should say the wounds that I felt swirling,

They're doing it again,

They're abandoning me again.

They've always done this to me.

All of that old rhetoric,

All of that old programming,

Although was valid because I got that programming,

This is a cause and effect universe.

So that programming was from a specific cause,

Which was my parents,

They were unrecovered adult children of alcoholics.

They weren't attuned to themselves,

So how could they attune to us?

They were enmeshed as a codependent and a narcissist,

Again,

In my humble opinion.

And so you have blinders on when you're a codependent and you're a narcissist as a mother and a father.

You're not seeing what the kid's needs are.

You're trying to get your needs met from your other spouse.

And so in that situation,

You're just wanting the kids to behave,

You're wanting them to shush because if they're good little soldiers,

That makes you look good,

At least in your head as a codependent mom,

To the man that you're addicted to.

And so I grew up abandoned,

Yes it was,

But I was at a stage in my life where I was like codependency is not running my life anymore.

I will be codependent no more.

And so I have to be okay when people decide to abandon me.

When people decide you're not enough to stick around for.

When people decide this is your bed,

You lie in it.

When people decide I'm not taking this on for you,

I have to be okay with that.

I will say that it wasn't easy.

Those were the early stages,

But I can tell you if you're here and you're seeking information on how to heal from the past,

If you're wanting to know,

Am I getting better or am I stuck or what's really going on here?

You need to know that.

Am I less reactive?

Am I more objective?

Am I more able to sit in a room with other people and be less concerned with what they think about me than about what I think about myself?

In other words,

Are you able to recognize that you are coming back home to yourself?

You're no longer dissociated,

Worried about what everybody else thinks,

Running from pain.

You're learning to come back home to your body.

You're paying attention more to how you feel,

The nuances,

And you're managing your emotions,

Which is self-mastery.

Can you do that?

And so I wanted to offer this session because I often receive many questions like,

How can I tell if I'm really moving forward?

This is how you can tell.

The last point that I'd like to make is that oftentimes we can get stuck on the journey of healing,

Thinking that I told my partner I have this trigger so they should never touch it.

I get that.

And someone who really loves you is not going to intentionally touch that wound.

Someone who is a narcissist,

However,

Will.

They'll take that information,

They'll file it in their brain somewhere,

And when they're losing an argument,

They're going to press that button.

So that's really dysfunctional.

So your head should whip around like,

What?

When that happens,

Like,

Ooh,

You touched that button on purpose.

Because to me,

That is an indication that you were with someone who is trying to harm you and wants to maintain dominance and control of you.

Having said that,

Dear one,

Because we're all trying to gain objectivity,

We're trying to overcome our triggers,

We're trying to master the self.

This is done through the conscious path,

In my opinion.

It could be no other way.

You can think you're highly spiritual and still remain very unconscious.

You could be highly intelligent and still be very,

Very unconscious.

And so the conscious path is the way.

We're trying to overcome the small self.

We're trying to evolve so we're in our higher self.

This is a very humbling journey if you're doing it in the right stages and you're not bypassing.

So while you have triggers and you know that they're triggers,

The goal is to heal the trigger.

And what are you really healing?

You're healing your consistent reaction to an old wound.

So it's sort of like you're saying to yourself,

You're saying to your mind,

Yep,

That's a trigger and this emotional reaction has a lot more to do with past stored emotional reactions than it does to this person touching my boo-boo.

So if Anthony triggers something in me,

Then I'm able now to say,

This has very little to do with him and so much more to do with the stored energy that I have in my body,

The somatic frequencies that I have,

And also the mental meanings and emotional meanings I give to these feelings.

That's what I want to master.

Thank you so much for being here.

All is well.

Namaste.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Excellent

Very good.

This really resonated with me & I am definitely healing from my childhood. Thank you.

Great questions to evaluate one’s healing from trauma.🩷🌸🙏🏻 Thank you, Lisa🌷

thanks! i’m doing really good and a lot of that is thanks to your talks. 🌻🌙🙏🌻🌙🙏🌻🌙🙏🌻🌙🙏

Really resonate with this, thanks for sharing