The Voice That Shames You | Understanding Your Inner Critic

Do you ever hate yourself?

That's the experience of shame.

Feels like reality.

It's slippery.

It can happen so much that you don't even know it's happening.

You just feel bad because of course you should.

But when you see it,

You start to heal it.

Imagine yourself as a whole person with many different parts inside.

Each a different,

Distinct aspect of your psyche or inner world.

Shame.

Is actually not one thing.

It's a drama happening between a shamer.

And a part of you that's ashamed,

That carries the pain of it.

This is usually a child.

There can be re-injury throughout your life of that original shaming,

But go back.

Look back and you'll find the child.

You can throw all kinds of wonderful,

Beautiful affirmations at the child.

But they will not believe you.

Not as long as this guy is on the scene.

Doing its thing.

So we'll do two different videos.

We'll focus first on the shamer.

And then we'll turn toward the ashamed one in part two.

So there are two kinds of shamers.

This one is a protector.

Asshole is protective?

Yeah,

Yeah.

Here's an example.

Let's say there's a little girl.

Who has a narcissist mom.

It is not safe for this little girl to fully express feelings that don't please this mom,

To be herself in ways that might threaten mom's sense of self.

So a shamer,

Comes into being.

In the inner world.

Using mom's voice usually.

To shame the little girl into silence and smallness to get her to hide from mom.

So that she won't be cut down.

Cut down in lots of ways that other people in her life might not even see.

But she carries the pain of.

This one though,

Has no idea that there's a calendar no time passes in the inner world it's like that there really is no time passing so the child is there.

Right now.

No matter what age you are.

And this one is right there too.

Doing its thing,

Fiercely loyal to the child.

Still shaming her even though she's 32 at a new job with a boss.

Shaming her so much that she can't finish her first assignment.

That's the protector.

And you approach this protector in a particular way.

With compassion and first with recognition.

Okay,

There you are,

Buddy.

I hear you.

You're not helping.

But I hear you.

And you're trying.

You're doing your thing.

More work with that in the meditation.

The other kind is a predator.

It's in you.

But it's not of you.

It didn't actually come into being out of your unique,

Irreplaceable childhood experience.

It came in from the outside.

I'm not talking about demon possession I mean,

Enculturation.

The culture of your nation.

Your religious culture,

Your school culture,

Your family culture.

This one takes up residence inside your inner world.

And it's there for so long.

You might not even recognize it being there.

You just feel the impact of it.

This one is simply destructive.

It hates.

The female?

Or it hates Black.

Or brown?

It hates queer.

It hates fat.

It hates poor.

Whatever it is,

It doesn't actually belong in here.

And the way to approach it is to not approach it.

Back away slowly.

Shine a floodlight on it.

Ah,

There it is.

Name it.

You don't need to kill it off.

Just name it and thereby contain it.

It doesn't belong in me.

It doesn't actually know a truth about me.

So there's that.

Are you curious?

About who's in there.

Shaming you?

Let's take a minute.

Go inside.

Not going to do anything with the shamer.

But just slow down.

Show up for yourself.

Start by breathing slowly.

And just settle into your breathing.

And close your eyes to go in or keep them open.

Once you're inside,

See a room with glass walls,

All glass walls floor to ceiling.

You are outside the room.

Looking at.

And see if your shamer will show up inside that room.

Just wait.

Just get a look at it.

You are seeing in that glass room and responding to a part of you.

Not a reality.

That's all you.

The glass wall separates you from.

.

.

What is usually a pretty strong part So it's a lot.

Just to see it in there.

And for now,

That's enough.

And then let's take a breath.

Come back out.

Just that.

If you want more guidance and help approaching,

This shamer.

Then use the meditation that's just my voice guiding you through some inner work in a safe way.

With your shamer.

Next time you feel shame.

Slow down.

Breathe slowly.

And name it.

There's the shamer.

Who is shaming me?

Hold that as a question.

And that opens up a space between you and your shamer.

And then,

Later,

Find some figurine.

To represent your shamer,

Name it.

Here's mine.

The judge.

Am I asking you to find a toy?

But what I'm really asking is for you to take the shamer from inside.

Put it outside.

Where you can see it and name it.

Not as reality.

As a part.

Then you're starting to heal it.