Self-Compassion

In today's session, Kristin Neff invites us to join her for a self-compassion break. This exercise involves treating yourself with kindness, warmth and support whenever you’re struggling as you would naturally do to a good friend. Practising self-compassion is crucial for both our mental health and personal growth. Not only it makes us more resilient in the face of difficulties, but self-compassion has also been shown to be a good motivator because it allows us to learn from our mistakes.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Day 11 of InsightTimer's Building Healthy Habits Challenge.

Let's take a moment to get settled,

Close your eyes,

Take a deep breath in,

And exhale out.

Let's dive into today's healthy habit.

Hello,

Welcome to the Building Healthy Habits Challenge on InsightTimer.

My name is Kristen Neff and today I will be introducing you to the practice of self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness,

Warmth,

And support when you're struggling that you would naturally show to a good friend you cared about.

Most of us are not self-compassionate,

However.

In fact,

Most of us are crueler and harsher toward ourself than we'd ever be to a friend or even a stranger for that matter.

So why is this?

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Well,

It's because at some level we think it helps us.

We have a lot of misconceptions about self-compassion and we think that if we're compassionate rather than critical toward ourself that we'll be weak or lazy or unmotivated or we think it's going to make us selfish and self-centered.

Well,

In fact,

The research that I and my colleagues have been doing for the past 20 years shows just the opposite.

The research shows that self-compassion makes us strong and more resilient in the face of difficulties.

Think about it.

If you're an ally toward yourself,

If you support yourself in difficult times as opposed to being an enemy,

Cutting yourself down,

Shooting yourself in the foot,

It's going to make us stronger and more able to get through the tough times.

Self-compassion has also been shown to be a better motivator than self-criticism because it allows us to learn from our mistakes.

So when we shame ourself for being imperfect and we cut ourselves down,

Then let's face it,

Shame is not exactly a get-up-and-go mindset.

We're going to become afraid of failure,

Maybe develop performance anxiety,

And give up altogether.

But when we acknowledge that,

Hey,

We're trying the best we can,

It's okay,

What can I learn from this situation?

Then that actually helps give us the gumption to keep trying and to learn and to grow.

And self-compassion is not selfish.

In fact,

Self-compassion provides us the resources we need to continue giving to others without burning out.

And the good news is,

Is that research shows that self-compassion is strongly related to mental health.

So self-compassionate people are less depressed,

They're less anxious,

And they're happier and more satisfied with their lives.

Luckily,

Self-compassion is something that can be practiced.

And in fact,

I'm going to lead you now through a practice called the self-compassion break,

Which is about a five-minute practice that you can do whenever you're struggling and you feel you need a little shot of self-compassion.

So this practice is going to invoke the three main components of self-compassion,

Which are mindfulness,

Common humanity,

And kindness.

We need actually to have mindfulness before we can be self-compassionate because we need to be able to turn toward and acknowledge our distress.

If we stiff up or lip it or just push through without acknowledging that we're having a tough time,

How are we ever going to know that we need self-compassion?

It would be like if a friend called us up and said,

Hey,

I need some help.

And we just said,

I'm too busy right now.

And we ignore them.

So mindfulness is the first step,

Turning our attention toward the fact that we're struggling so we know that we need some support.

The second part of self-compassion is this sense of connectedness with others.

Compassion,

By definition,

Is a connected stance.

Unlike self-pity,

Which is poor me,

Self-compassion simply acknowledges that all human beings struggle,

All human beings are imperfect,

And make mistakes.

Sometimes,

Of course,

We don't remember this.

We think that everyone else in the world is having a perfect life.

It's only me who's struggling.

Only me who's blowing it.

But self-compassion reminds us that,

Hey,

This is the human experience.

Everyone's imperfect.

This is actually what connects us to others as opposed to separating us from others.

We certainly aren't alone.

And then finally,

Kindness is really the emotional core of self-compassion.

We bring warmth,

A sense of care,

A sense of nurturing,

A sense of acceptance toward ourselves.

By the way,

We may not accept all the situations we find ourselves in or all our behaviors,

But we accept ourselves as struggling human beings doing the best we can moment by moment.

And this accepting,

Kind,

Warm aspect of self-compassion is actually what allows us to heal.

So,

Like I said,

We're going to do this practice called the self-compassion break.

It'll take about five minutes,

And you can see how it might change your relationship to something that you're struggling with.

So please close your eyes.

Settle into your body.

Feel your feet on the floor,

The weight of your body on your chair.

Maybe take a few deep breaths.

Just coming back to the awareness that you are right here and right now.

And I'd invite you to think of some real situation in your life right now that's causing you some distress.

Maybe you're feeling inadequate in some way,

Or you feel you aren't good enough,

Or you've made some mistake or done something you've regretted.

Or maybe it's just something in your life that's challenging,

A relationship issue,

Something happening at work,

Something with your health.

So just think of various situations you might consider for this practice and try to choose something that's moderately difficult but not overwhelming,

Because if you're overwhelmed,

You won't be able to learn the practice.

So focusing on this situation,

Right?

What's happening?

What's going on?

And what we're going to do is we're going to intentionally call in the three components of self-compassion to help us be with this difficulty in a healthier way.

So the first thing you want to do is bring in some mindfulness to really turn toward this challenge and acknowledge and validate this is hard,

Right?

It's hard to feel this.

No matter what's causing you the pain,

You know,

It's painful.

So can you turn toward it?

Just allow this in a little bit.

You might try saying to yourself something like,

You know,

This is a moment of suffering.

We're just looking at it.

We're calling it out.

And then we want to remind ourselves of the humanity of this situation.

You certainly aren't alone.

There are probably many people experiencing something very similar to you right now.

But it's not about comparing our level of pain with that of others.

It's really just acknowledging that this is a human experience.

Being human isn't about getting it right or having everything go swimmingly.

You know,

Being human means we struggle.

We make mistakes.

So we open our sense of self to include the imperfect human condition.

And perhaps saying to yourself something like,

You know,

Struggle,

Difficulty,

It's part of life.

I'm not alone.

And finally,

We want to bring some warmth and kindness to ourselves.

So one way to do that is with physical touch.

It's a primary way that we communicate care.

So you may try putting both hands over your heart or maybe over your center,

Your solar plexus,

Maybe just holding your hands.

Really feel the gentle support of your hands,

The warmth of your touch,

Being there for ourselves physically.

When we do this,

It actually changes our physiology,

Helps us calm down.

And also bringing in some language of kindness.

So in other words,

Internally saying something to yourself that expresses kindness,

Understanding,

Support.

You know,

In terms of what to say,

You may think,

Well,

What if I had a really good friend who was going through the exact same thing I'm going through?

Let me just take a moment to imagine that.

We're feeling the same thing I'm feeling.

What would I naturally say to that person?

Perhaps it's something like,

I'm here for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I care about you just the way you are.

It's okay to make mistakes.

You'll get through this.

How can I help?

It comes so naturally when we speak to friends.

So see if you can call up the language and then do a U-turn.

Say something similar to yourself.

It may feel a bit awkward at first.

That's okay.

Just let it be so.

It's not so much about feeling good.

It's about setting our intention to help,

To support ourselves.

And see if you can let it in,

Even if just a little bit.

And then letting the practice go.

By the way,

Sometimes when we open up our hearts in this way to ourselves,

We get in touch with pain we didn't even know was there.

So if that happened to you,

Just know that that's normal.

It's actually a good sign,

But it means you may need to kind of ground yourself and even perhaps get some help from a friend or a therapist if you really touched into some very painful feelings.

But some questions for you maybe to share in this challenge with others is,

You know,

How did that work for you?

What happened when you turned toward the struggle with mindfulness?

Really called it out,

This is hard.

What happened when you reminded yourself that you aren't alone,

That this is part of being human?

And then finally,

What happened when you gave yourself some warmth,

Some kindness,

Some support?

Can you imagine taking a little self-compassion break throughout the day whenever you're feeling distress and how it would really begin to change your life?

And it will.

So I hope you continue to practice.

Thanks for listening.

Reviews

Great practice! Worked for me. Changed condition from being distressed to “I can handle it”

your self compassion questions are really helpful- thank you 🙏 ✨🌞⭐️✨🌞⭐️✨🌞⭐️✨🌞✨⭐️🙏

Thank you 🙏🏻 This is really excellent. Many thanks

Solid wisdom for self care. And, practical suggestions for help .

A short exercise to cultivate and practice self compassion that can be encorporated into your day.

This is a 10 minute intro talk, followed by 5 minutes of practice

I need to ritualize self compassion since I have been very hard on myself. A daily self compassion break sounds nice . Thanks

The suggestions for self compassion are helpful. Namaste. 🌺🌸

Great summary and introduction to self compassion breaks. Structure follows Kristin’s book – these breaks are a fantastic companion in daily life. I am a big fan.

Thank you. I realized I need some more compassionate garden tools. 🌷🌷🌷

💖🌷Teaching this to school age kids today. Thank you!

excellent!

This was just what my heart needed today. Thank you for this meditation. 🙏

Fantastic! I often forget to do this break. For me, self compassion seems to embody most of the answers to my little problems. And it just makes me realize that they really are just little problems.

Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed today. I’m grateful you do the work you do and are sharing it with the world!

Thank you teacher! This course helps me a lot! I get calmer when I heard the kind sentences you said in the course. Hope I can be nicer to myself and positively face the demon in my heart!

Simple and powerful practice . Thank you.

I need to keep practicing. This was a good reminder. Thank you

Thank you so much Kristin. I did the practice in the challenge and now Im coming back to it over and over again!

Down to earth and solid. Thank you 🙏 ☀️