I'm going to say something that might annoy you at first,
Because it kind of annoyed me when I first heard it.
So if you feel a little resistance,
That's okay.
Just stay with me because this one idea changed my life more than anything else I've ever learned.
Here it is.
No one triggers you.
You trigger you.
Hi,
I'm Kinga.
I'm a somatic and trauma release practitioner.
And I promise I'm not saying this to blame you.
Or to let anyone who's hurt you down.
Of the hope.
By the end of this video,
You'll see that this idea isn't about blame at all.
It's not about blaming you or others.
It's about freedom.
But I had to fight my way to it through my own marriage before I understood it.
Let me start with the resistance part,
Because this is something you might be feeling right now.
You might be thinking that,
But hey,
They did do that thing or they said that thing.
And they use that tone.
They said that hurtful thing,
Or they actually did something.
And you're right.
Something real happened out there in the world.
And I'm not denying that,
But.
But here's the.
Distinction that I think changes everything.
So let's look at the event that happened.
To you as how to you.
And then the reaction happened inside you.
And those are two different things.
Think about it this way,
The exact same comment,
The same tone,
The same situation can completely destroy one person and barely touch or belly register for another.
So if the trigger itself was the whole story,
It would affect everyone the same way,
Right?
But it doesn't.
Because one person is flooded,
Furious,
Shaking,
And the other person just shrugs it off,
Moves on.
So the difference.
Isn't the comment.
The difference is what that comment touches inside each and every person.
So a trigger is like a match,
And a match on its own doesn't do much,
But if there's already fuel there,
Dry wood,
Old pain,
An unhealed wound,
Then that little match starts a fire.
The trigger didn't create the fire,
It just.
.
.
It just hit what was already there,
Waiting.
So let me explain where that fuel comes from,
Because this is the part that turns blame into understanding.
Your nervous system learned its patterns early,
Long,
Long before you could think or question anything.
You know,
When you were small.
Your body was watching the world around you and making quiet decisions about what's safe,
What's dangerous,
What keeps you safe.
Me connected to the people I need.
What gets me hurt or rejected or abandoned and those early decisions became automatic.
They became the wiring underneath your adult reactions.
So when something happens now,
Something that even faintly echoes one of those old moments,
Your nervous system fires the old response fast before you're even aware of it.
Makes sense.
Which means that a lot of the time when you feel triggered,
You're not actually reacting to the present moment at all.
Reacting to something old,
Something that a much younger version of you learned.
To be afraid of.
Or angry about or to run from.
Now let me tell you how.
This became real for me,
How I got to this conclusion,
Because I didn't come to this idea gently.
Life had to teach me the hard way,
As it does.
So when I got married for the second time,
I thought I knew myself well.
I'd been doing the inner work for years.
I taught this material.
I genuinely believed that I had a handle on my reactivity.
Then my husband started triggering me in ways I just wasn't ready for.
He is a good guy.
There's nothing wrong with him.
But he came from a different story than my previous partner or partners.
He didn't smooth things over or let things pass or slide.
He actually named things.
He confronted things.
He also got triggered and he didn't just quietly let my patterns pass by unnoticed.
And also he's a very stubborn man.
And I think I'm stubborn too.
So it triggered me a lot.
And I reacted a lot.
I went cold.
I went sharp.
I suddenly found a hundred urgent reasons to be somewhere else,
You know,
In the other room when he triggered me.
And for a long time,
I told myself the same story we all tell.
He's the problem.
He is too direct or too much or too stubborn.
If he would just change,
I'd be fine.
But through my own somatic work,
I finally hit something I couldn't argue my way around.
The thing that fired in me when he spoke a certain way or when he was being stubborn about something that wasn't about him.
It was old,
It was in me,
My nervous system had learned what that tone meant or what confrontation meant or stubbornness meant long before he ever existed in my life.
So he wasn't creating the reaction,
He was just a match.
The fire was already in me waiting for a spark.
So he wasn't triggering me.
I was triggering me.
And I'll be honest,
That didn't feel good at first.
It felt.
.
.
Exposing a little humbling.
Especially for someone who teaches this.
But underneath.
The discomfort was the most freeing thing I've ever found because Because think about it,
What it means,
If other people are responsible for my reactions,
Then I am powerless,
Right?
I have to wait for everyone around me to behave perfectly before I can feel okay.
I'm basically at the mercy of every tone,
Every mood,
Every comment for the rest of my life.
But if the reaction is happening in me,
Then I am the one who can work with it.
I'm the one with the power to change it.
I don't have to wait for anyone else to be different.
The power comes.
Home to me.
And that's the gift hiding inside this mask.
Uncomfortable idea not blame but ownership,
You know and ownership is where freedom lives so let me give you something you can actually do with this because It's not just a nice thought.
That we put on our bookshelf.
It's a practice.
So the next time you get triggered,
Here's a shift.
Instead of immediately looking outward,
Building the case for why they are wrong,
Why they are the problem,
Gathering obviously all your evidence.
Try turning inward instead,
Just gently with curiosity,
No judgment.
Just ask yourself,
Why is this landing so hard?
What is this touching in me?
Where have I felt this before?
And one of the most powerful questions you can ask is this,
How old does this feel?
Not how old are you,
But like how old does the reaction feel?
Because very often it doesn't feel like your adult self responding.
It feels like a child,
A younger part of you that learned something painful a long time ago and is still trying to protect you from it.
And when you can feel that,
Something shifts.
The blame softens.
Compassion becomes possible for yourself first,
And sometimes,
Surprisingly,
For the other person too.
No one triggers you.
You trigger you.
And knowing that can be the doorway to your freedom.
Because it means that you were never powerless.
The power was always yours.
And if you want to go deeper into this,
I've made two courses here on my profile.
The freedom of non-reactivity part one takes you from reaction into awareness and conscious choice.
And part two goes further into the body,
Into your nervous system,
Into where these patterns came from and how to work with them.
At the root.
This idea we explored today,
That you're the one who can change it,
Sits right at the heart of me.
Part two.
But obviously,
Start with part one if you're new to this,
And they are both here whenever you're ready.
Just come as you are.
