Redefining Love For True Connection: Eros Part II

This is the fourth reading in a series of four from my book "Tantric Intimacy".

Eros is so much more than sexual intimacy. It is a way of connecting with another person in a truly spiritual way. To heal. To love and to experience a spiritual reality that deep down we know is possible.

Transcript

How much love do you have to give?

Sometimes we have no idea how much love we have.

My friend told me this story recently.

She was with her new man.

After making love for a while on the beach,

She fell asleep on his chest.

When she awoke,

She realized that he hadn't moved.

He had held her and let her sleep.

She had never had a man hold her in such kindness before.

She was so filled with love for this man that all she wanted to do was give herself to him.

She wanted to make love with her whole being,

And they did.

She said it was the most beautiful lovemaking she had ever experienced.

She felt wholly and completely loved.

She said the amazing thing was that she could pour love into this man and he would return even more.

Then she would give more,

And so on.

She couldn't believe the way her heart opened and kept expanding and expanding.

She had no idea how much love she could give.

Sometimes we are with people who aren't able to receive the love we want to give.

If this happens in our early,

Formative,

Romantic years,

We may never realize our true capacity for love.

This is commonly found out after people leave their first marriage or long-term relationship.

Maybe they got together early.

Maybe they were happy to find someone.

Maybe there were children or shared property or businesses.

Or maybe they were afraid that there wasn't anyone else better out there.

Even though there isn't as much love and kindness as they might like,

They just keep trying.

Our partner's ability to receive love could be a result of their makeup or what they were taught as children.

Regardless,

If your love is not received,

There is some part of you that dies.

It feels unseen,

And if it is unseen,

We may think that this need isn't even real.

You may end up thinking that this is normal,

Or it might become a self-worth issue,

Or that you think that you are simply unlovable.

Then,

One day,

The relationship ends,

And you find yourself over the moon in love with someone else.

You had no idea you could actually feel this way.

You had truly believed what you had previously experienced was all there was.

If there is some part of you that believes there is something more,

You are probably right.

My advice?

Keep seeking.

A practical look.

So what does a relationship filled with eros look like in real life?

First,

Passion.

Know that passion is possible.

Passion is wonderfully overwhelming.

It gives us desire for living.

It gives us focus that makes us want to get up each day and embrace whatever we are passionate about.

We feel fully alive.

We require no food,

No drink,

And no addictions.

The passion is so great and complete.

When we feel this passion for another,

Simply kissing and embracing is wonderful.

The chemistry is indescribable.

It feels surreal to be in that place.

We want to make love for hours.

We want to smell them,

Breathe them.

When our lips touch,

The world stands still.

This is great passion.

Two,

Continuous intimacy.

The connection between you is always there whether you are together,

Or not.

It's a candle that is always burning.

You feel the presence of this candle when you are making dinner,

Going for a walk,

At work,

Or making love.

This isn't codependence.

It isn't a need to always be close because you're not whole without this other person.

You are both whole and completely in love.

As you walk through your day,

This love is felt and you are both nourished by this wonderful connection.

Three,

Full acceptance.

When we love another,

We accept them.

This is the agape aspect of our love.

This is knowing that we each have different paths to take and we respect each other's choices.

True love fully accepts them.

We honor them as fellow humans trying their best.

What if there are things about them that we absolutely can't live with?

Maybe we desire something that they don't want to give,

Or maybe you find that you aren't compatible.

All we have to do is be honest with each other.

Maybe your honesty sets them on a different path and your relationship deepens.

Wonderful.

But if not,

We have a decision to make.

We could choose to move on.

Perhaps that relationship is now complete.

This is a good choice to make if you really aren't compatible in a way that makes both of you thrive.

For many reasons,

Many will choose to stay.

Many of us are afraid to be alone.

We would rather have someone who is so-so in our life than no one at all.

For others,

Leaving means failure.

Marriage is supposed to be forever.

When we stay in a situation that doesn't allow everyone to thrive,

We will either let the part of us that craves passion and romance die,

Or we will do something more devious.

We will try to fix the other.

We will tell ourselves that we are doing it out of love.

But this isn't love.

This is creating a false reality.

Fixing others always creates distance.

It will block the river,

And Eros will surely die.

4.

Reciprocal Love The thrill of passionate love is having it fully reciprocated.

This isn't neediness.

This is the only way for true merging to happen.

Deep down we desire the union of souls,

And it can't be one way.

Energy must come from both sides.

Both parties must fully give to the union,

Or it will be nothing but a convenient companionship.

Many have felt one-sided love,

Where one is all-in and the other is not.

This is a very painful relationship to be in.

Often this is when we choose a partner who isn't able to experience the depth of connection that we can.

Perhaps they had a hard childhood and struggle to connect.

Maybe they have a hard time trusting others,

So they struggle to be open and vulnerable to bear their soul and go deeper.

When both partners truly desire Eros in their lives,

We simply have to be honest about the reality of what we are feeling and improve our communication.

When both people are on board,

There is always great potential and hope.

5.

Freedom to Choose Sometimes love gets very possessive.

Historically,

In many places,

Marriage was a contract where we really did own each other.

We promise till death do you part,

Which can really feel like being owned by the other until death.

So the idea of being possessive is actually well-rooted in our culture.

This feeling of possessiveness is especially acute when there are certain aspects of love missing in the relationship.

Maybe there isn't trust and respect,

Passion,

Or even kindness.

If this is the case,

To think of our partner having this with another person is heartbreaking,

So we tend to hold on even tighter.

This is not love,

It is possessiveness.

When we love each other,

We want to be together.

We don't want someone holding on tight to make sure that we stick around.

If we are bound by anything,

Either a legal document or the emotional iron grip of another,

Then we will not be free to love.

This is more like a kidnapped person learning to love their captor.

When each person has choice,

Then love can flow freely.

There is something magical about being in a position of choice.

When we are bound and we have no choice,

Huge parts of us shut off.

When we have choice,

All parts of us are fully alive.

Plus,

When we have choice,

We are aware of how thankful we are for this other person.

We make an effort to nourish the love between us.

We stay aware in the relationship.

We feed the fires of our passion.

We are aware that one day,

It may be gone.

Eris cannot be controlled.

It is either there,

Or it isn't.

This isn't depressing.

It is the same way that experiencing death makes us more aware of the joys in life.

It makes us thankful to simply wake up and breathe in another day.

Similarly in love,

We must treat it like the gift it is,

Ever-changing and uncontrollable.

6.

Loving completely and unbounded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said,

The love that you withhold is the pain you carry.

We are meant to let love flow out of us,

Withholding nothing.

When we love in this way,

Amazing things happen.

Energy flows through us that we can't describe.

It could be the excitement of a child running to the arms of their grandparent,

Or picking loved ones up at the airport after a long separation.

Nothing is held back.

We are able to completely let all of our love flow out of us.

This is amazingly nourishing for us.

When we are in an intimate relationship,

Where there is complete trust,

Understanding,

Kindness and passion,

These two unbounded loves collide and it is a tidal wave of energy flowing through your bodies.

Suddenly all the pictures you've ever seen of two people embracing and energy flowing all around them is totally real.

They are truly floating in ecstasy.

When we can release every ounce of that love right now,

We heal.

Our spirit soars.

Our spirit says,

Oh my God,

I am so glad to be alive.

I'm so glad we're actually on this planet.

Isn't this great that I'm allowed to breathe.

I actually woke up this morning.

I am so lucky because I have all these fantastic things in my life.

Love should be known as the amazing spiritual experience that it is.

Exploring infinity together.

It is within this deep connection that we can explore infinity together.

Two infinite beings who desire to connect can go to places that we cannot go alone.

What will that look like?

What will it feel like?

These are truly infinite possibilities.

It is only when we have a limit to what we are willing to experience that we can get bored in a relationship.

And I don't mean sexual experimentation.

That's something else.

Tantra is a spiritual journey.

How deep do you want to go with each other?

How open can you be with each other?

How vulnerable can you be?

This is where the depth is.

This is where the true juice is.

It's like having a best friend.

Do you get bored of this person?

No.

Why?

Because you have no guards up for each other.

So your conversation never ends.

You can talk and talk for hours.

Sometimes about things you've talked about a thousand times.

But it never gets old.

I have friends with whom I could travel around the world.

We might have nothing in common and not be lovers or not even know each other her very long.

But for whatever reason,

We have no guards up to each other.

We are wide open.

There is a kind of unspoken trust.

With this friend,

You can have fun whether you're watching a movie,

Chatting,

Driving bumper cars,

Or sitting in silence at the edge of a lake.

For whatever reason,

You don't get bored.

Why?

Because anything is possible in any moment.

The same goes for a lover.

When we don't have any guards up to each other,

When there is trust and love,

The exploration of each other is truly infinite.

The potential of where you can go when Eros is flowing freely and unbounded is truly limitless and beyond our wildest dreams.

Personal Practice Transformation Through Love.

If you are in an intimate relationship right now,

How can you cultivate Eros?

First,

Look at whether or not you have the foundation of kindness.

Is there mutual respect?

Do you consider each other equals?

If you do,

Wonderful.

If not,

Then we must start here.

Nothing can grow without this foundation.

Then ask if there is trust,

Philia between you.

Do you feel comfortable to drop all of your guards together?

Are they safe?

Are you safe?

Can you be vulnerable?

Are you okay with your partner being vulnerable?

Is there passion?

Did you have it at one time,

But it died?

What happened?

What blew the flame out?

What caused your disconnection?

If Eros is still alive,

Then what can you do to make it deeper,

To feed the flames,

To increase this connection between you and your partner?

In all of these scenarios,

The question is,

What would require us to grow?

Evolution is a process of growth and expansion.

It is becoming something that we previously weren't.

Imagine growing through intimate love.

You and your lover can grow together to move to each new step.

Your relationship and deep connection can be a container for amazing healing,

Growth,

And bliss.

If you are not in a relationship right now,

You can look at past relationships to understand what happened within the context of agape,

Philia,

And eros.

Are there patterns that you would like to change for the future?

Is there personal healing you need to do in order to create this foundation of love and kindness?

Whether we are alone or in a relationship,

Tantra is first a personal journey of introspection and personal transformation.

When we bring ourselves to a place where kindness,

Trust,

And passion easily flow within us,

Then opportunities will arise everywhere around us.

Thank you.

Reviews

I am left speechless with so much to reflect on after listening to this. My foundation has been shaken as I long for deeper more intimate connections with my partner. I am in a 30-year relationship which has become easy, but my soul wants more…thank you for showing me a different perspective and allowing me to feel more alive.

At 42 I am experiencing this deep love and connection for the first time in my life. I feel so grateful and lucky. I am very curious about your talks on tantra. Thank you for describing it al so clearly. Love your voice too.

Fantastic talk, thank you. Personally very triggering after trying so long to go to these depths with my recent ex. Sometimes you just have to let go and focus on the real love that’s out there somewhere 🙏🏼💞

This stirs a deep longing for unbounded and connected living within me ❤️

Just what I needed to hear this morning, a reminder to focus on and rekindle eros, thank you

A gift. Thank you.

What a beautiful explanation of love.

thank you Katrina!

Lots to think about and process. Important to proceed with kindness, trust, and then passion. I'd like to hear more about rebuilding trust as well as being fully vulnerable. Namaste 🙏

One of the best meditations I’ve heard

Beautifully narrated and very wise advice that resonates with me more than anything else I’ve heard about relationships. I will remember this teaching when I fall in love for the first time. Thanking you, Katrina!

Very well spoken Katrina. My gratitude for sharing. Many blessings🙏🌊🐬✨💫🌟

This was a really interesting and eye opening series, thank you for sharing your wisdom 💜x