Relationships And Dating After Trauma

This episode is for women who desire to have better success in their dating and relationships, especially after trauma. LOTS of good info is shared. I’ll cut right to the point, many women are sabotaging relationships due to being in their masculine energy. Here’s why, at some point when you were a little girl and you got hurt and wanted to express your feelings, you were shut down or celebrated for being quiet, etc.

Listen to find out how you can have better chances in your love life.

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Dear Love Universe podcast.

For those who are new here,

Welcome.

I'm so excited to have you.

My name is Kaylin and I am a self-love coach.

I help women drape their self-love after trauma and reclaim their power back.

I just want to let you know that this episode was recorded on an Instagram live,

Which is why you might be a little bit confused when you hear me talking to someone in the audience.

But nevertheless,

I hope that you enjoy the episode and yes,

Thank you so much for being here.

This week on Dear Love Universe,

I'm going to discuss dating and relationships in general and after trauma.

Even if you don't agree with what I'm about to say,

Please keep an open mind about it.

You're here because you want to learn more about how to have better relationships,

Right?

Just try the shoe on and see how it feels and if it doesn't work,

Then no harm was done.

Also please note that there is just so much information on relationships that there's no way I can discuss them all in this podcast episode.

If you enjoy this episode,

Please let me know and I'll create more content about this topic.

Please note that when I say the man,

I'm referring to the masculine energy in the relationship.

This ideology of the yin yang,

Masculine and feminine energy has been around for thousands of years.

This episode is created with the teachings of Pat Allen,

Adrienne Everhart,

Matthew Hussey,

And my own life experiences.

I'll cut right to the point.

Women are sabotaging relationships due to being in their masculine energy.

Here's why.

At some point when you were a little girl,

You got hurt and wanted to express your feelings.

You were taught to shove it down and by shoving it down,

You thought that it was a sign of strength.

While this can be a good thing in many areas of a woman's life,

In dating and relationships,

It's good to consider learning how to embrace your feminine energy.

Every single person has a yin and yang energy.

Yin is associated with feminine energy and yang is associated with male energy.

Feminine energy is passive and male energy is all about taking action.

Think about the egg and the sperm.

The egg passively sits while the sperm does all the action.

Okay,

Let's get into this.

So dating and relationships after trauma.

First off,

Try not to tell people your traumas right away.

You may think that you're being kind and vulnerable,

But what you're really doing by sharing with people how people have done you wrong in the past,

You're telling that person that it's okay for people to treat you that way.

Instead,

Try to share situations where people desired you or treated you well.

This sets the standard for how you allow people to treat you.

Also,

Before you open up about your traumas,

Ask yourself these three questions.

Question one,

Who am I sharing this with?

Question two,

How do I want them to react?

Question three,

What will happen if they don't respond the way that I want them to?

Understand that not everyone has been through what you have.

Not everyone will understand.

In actuality,

A lot of people are not great listeners.

When people open up about themselves,

A lot of people don't know what to do.

They can try to offer unwanted advice or unknowingly invalidate your feelings.

One of the most annoying things that people can do is tell you that they know exactly how it feels.

No they don't.

They weren't there in your situation.

Know a trap when you see one.

If a man invites you out for a drink,

Let him know that you're more of a dinner kind of woman.

If all a man is talk and no action,

Accept it for what it is.

One of the biggest revelations that I ever had in dating was that it's not my job to fix problems.

What I see all the time is that women try to fix problems.

In the book,

50 Ways to See Through Men,

I learned that you have two choices.

Choice one is to try to fix the problem and choice two is to have nothing to do with it.

And when I say have nothing to do with it,

I really mean have nothing to do with it.

Don't call,

Don't text,

Or do anything that you normally would to fix a problem or get someone to understand something.

If someone doesn't,

If someone does something that they know will hurt you and do it anyway,

They do not care,

Especially if they know that it's going to hurt you.

As much as it hurts,

Accepting the reality of that will help a lot,

Especially if you were the best man or the best woman that you could be to them.

Along those lines,

Abuse is not love.

Not all attention is good attention.

When you have been abused or traumatized in the past,

You may believe that it is love.

It can feel like love because that is what you were manipulated into thinking that it was in the past.

You may also believe that you deserve this kind of treatment.

When you see yourself as someone who is low and deserving of that,

There will always be a figure who comes into your life to fulfill that role.

This is a toxic pattern.

The only way out of that pattern is to become fully aware of your part,

Accept it without judgment,

And rise above the negative energy.

When you rise above,

You claim your power back and do not allow yourself to be treated in such ways.

We show how much we respect and value ourselves and others by the commitments and relationships that we keep and entertain.

If you are in an unfulfilling relationship and choose to stay,

You are valuing yourself that much.

Same with a man who chooses not to commit with you.

If a man really likes you,

He'll commit to you.

Commitment is almost the bare minimum that someone can do for you.

Commitment doesn't necessarily mean marriage,

But an agreement to stay faithful to you or you and your partners that you both agree on.

Watch how someone talks about their exes.

More often than not,

That is exactly how you will be acting in due time.

If someone says that their ex is crazy,

That is a definite red flag.

It's likely that they won't mention their part in the situation,

But as time goes on,

It'll begin to become more clear why that person might have acted the way that they did.

Know that every single person will bring out something different in you.

Along those lines,

Every person will teach you something about yourself.

How you were in one relationship is likely different compared to another relationship.

How you find yourself acting in ways that you don't like,

Sit with it and figure out why you might be doing those actions.

For example,

If you're typically a relaxed individual but often feel anxious around a certain person,

There's definitely a reason for that.

One thing that I've come to learn is that how you feel around a person will never change,

Even as time passes.

Do you have that friend who you rarely ever see,

But every time you do,

It's like not a day has passed?

Or the person who you rarely see,

But every time you do,

You still don't feel comfortable around them?

This is what I'm talking about.

Just recently,

I had a guy from the past reach out,

Trying to reconnect and get dinner with me.

He broke my heart a few years ago,

And I gotta say,

It really hurt.

But after working on my personal development,

I recognized that no matter if time passed,

I'd still feel the same way around him that I did before.

His energy makes me feel anxious.

So of course,

I denied his begging and pleading for me to go with him.

When people show you who they are,

Believe them the first time.

Don't let someone show you that they don't value you more than once.

Now let's talk about sex.

I'll sum it up in one word.

Wait.

Don't have sex too early.

This is really important.

I hope that you're really hearing me here.

It's your body and your choice,

But I'm telling you that if you like this man and you see a future with him,

Don't sleep with him right away.

There are so many reasons for this,

But I'll name a few that stand out to me the most.

Generally speaking,

Men and women go on dates with different motives.

Women want to see if this is a possibility for a future with this man.

Men go on dates because there's a likelihood that they're going to get laid.

Being sex with a man does not necessarily mean that you are being intimate with him.

Intimacy is bearing your true and authentic self with someone and getting the same back.

Esther Perel says,

Sex is not something you do,

But a place that you go.

Teresa,

How long do you think the wait should be?

I think that you should wait until you feel comfortable when you're in.

So I'm going to talk about this a little bit later on in the episode,

But I recommend dating the guy for three months.

Date him for three months and then see how he treats you.

Let him show you his character and really show up for you time after time.

And then after he shows you who he is and you are feeling very comfortable with him and you're in that committed relationship,

You've discussed what I'm going to discuss later in this episode,

Continuity,

Exclusivity,

And longevity.

And you know that this is an agreement that you want to be in,

Then there should be a level of security and safety when you do have sex with the man.

So having sex is not something that you do,

But a place that you go.

And I really hope that you get to experience that one day,

To be completely vulnerable and connected with someone who you are in bed with.

You're welcome,

Teresa.

So in a study figuring out if men and women like casual sex,

It showed that both do until about three to six months when a woman wants more and then feels taken advantage of.

Then the man is confused because he thought that both were just using each other's bodies.

How often do we see this happen?

Too often.

Ladies,

Sex does not make a man fall in love.

Men fall in love with women for their morals.

Women actually really want a classy,

Sensuous woman who carries herself confidently.

Don't compete for attention.

If you don't set the pace and go on the man's terms,

Then you will feel in competition with every other woman.

Men like women who are a challenge.

Men are hunters and enjoy the chase.

Having sex with the man clouds your judgment.

I'm serious.

There are hormones that are released after you have sex with the man that makes them so much more attractive to you.

This is built in our biology.

There are also spiritual ways that a man gets tied to you when you have sex.

Sex is literally an energy exchange between two people.

This is why if you have sex with someone who has nasty energy,

You will feel it.

Or also why prostitutes can end up completely lost with their identity.

Part of them becomes you and vice versa.

Be very careful with who you let inside.

Very careful.

So here's what to do if you like a man and the topic of sex comes up.

Tell him that you enjoy it,

But only do it when you're ready.

This creates a dynamic where he wonders when you will do it with him.

That's a dynamic that creates a lot more respect for you in his eyes.

You know,

Men are constantly testing you.

If you don't have sex with a man right away,

He will trust you more because he knows that since you didn't do it with him,

You won't do it with another man right away.

I'm telling you,

Men really like a woman who waits and creates that tension.

So that was a lot of things not to do.

Now let's get into some things that may give you a better outcome.

First of all,

Know that the relationship starts with you.

Women get what they want by knowing what they don't want.

We love ourselves first and we won't tolerate situations that bring us down.

Pay attention to the relationship that he has with his family and the way that he treats other people.

This really matters.

If someone can be rude to a waitress or disrespect their mother in front of you,

That is a definite red flag.

That is how they will treat you in the future.

If you're hypothetically dating someone for two months and only seeing them once a week,

That's only eight times that they have to put on this Mr.

Nice Guy mask.

It's really easy to pretend to be someone else for a period of time.

This is also another reason why it's so important to have sex.

If you're going to do anything with a man,

Do it sober so that you can see the person for who he really is.

Drugs and alcohol can coerce you into going further than you might have initially wanted to.

This leads to regret.

About a year ago,

I met a guy and we really hit it off.

We saw each other almost every day and had such a good time together.

The problem is,

Though,

We would be drinking every single time.

And then when we didn't drink one day,

It was really weird and I almost didn't know how to be around him.

Honestly,

If you're going to date a man for a relationship,

I would really recommend only dating clean men.

No drugs or alcohol,

Or at least very responsibly and in moderation.

People who use drugs and alcohol regularly are unpredictable and usually they're in pain.

That's why they're using substances to begin with,

To feel better.

This is what I recommend.

Teresa,

I hope that this offers more clarity into your question earlier.

Date a man for three months before you commit to him.

Let him show up for you before you agree to be with him exclusively.

Then only have sex with a man who has committed to you.

Then if a man asks you to be his girlfriend or for a commitment,

Ask him,

What does this mean?

Pat Allen teaches these three ideas when you're contemplating sex with a man.

Exclusivity,

Longevity,

And continuity.

Of course,

Pat Allen describes this in much more depth,

But from my understanding,

Exclusivity means defining who you and the other person are having sex with.

Whether that's only with each other or with partners involved,

That's your choice,

But there is a discussion and agreement about who you are both having sex with.

Longevity means that you both see that this will be long-term and continuity relates to how often you will both be having sex with one another.

Pat Allen recommends that once two people begin having sex,

To do it at least once a week moving forward to fulfill the bodies and needs and desires.

When you have sex beforehand or before monogamy,

You are actually doing yourself in the relationship of disfavor.

Although try to refrain from saying to a man that you were only having sex with a commitment because you may get yourself into a situation that once you have had sex,

You freak out and wonder what the heck you got yourself into.

So this is really important.

Give to yourself first.

Men love it when women have a rich and full life of their own.

What often happens is that when a woman gets involved with a man,

She begins to focus way too much of her energy on just him.

This will actually chase a man away from you and same with drama.

That is the fastest way to get a man to pull back.

Hence why it's important to not try to fix problems.

I should also add that while it's not your job to fix problems,

You still can and I'd recommend telling him how you feel.

Then it's his job to fix it.

So if you have a good time,

If you want to have a good time with your girlfriends and try out a new yoga class,

Go do it.

Do things for yourself that make you feel good.

I mean really,

Do it.

If that's getting your nails done,

Your hair done,

Or going to the gym,

Stay doing what makes you feel good.

Know that peace is your natural state of being.

Never let a man ruin your sleep or stress you out too much.

Peace is accessible to you at all times.

When a situation is running rampant around in your head and you feel as though you have no control,

Remind yourself that things are as they should be and may you have the strength to accept it without judgment.

Even if things feel terrible,

Life in itself is an absolute miracle.

You are always doing fantastic,

Even if you don't feel like it.

Your mere existence proves it.

Here's the thing.

Traditionally and generally speaking,

Men marry for a sensuous woman in a good home,

While women marry for status and stability.

If you want a man with status and stability,

Then you better be able to offer him the sensuality that he desires.

And generally speaking,

Men are very outward focused.

They want to like what they see.

One thing to keep in mind is that every man has their type and what they like.

Stay true to you always and no matter what.

So do yourself a favor and put on your makeup,

Wear a beautiful dress,

And your finest shoes if you feel inclined.

Have you ever noticed that men like crazy women?

This is because illogical women make them feel as though they are not in competition.

So here's what I recommend.

Don't compete with your man.

If he has an idea,

Respect it.

Just nod your head and listen.

If he says something,

Pay attention to what he's saying and respond with,

That sounds so,

And fill in the blank.

An example of this could be,

That sounds so frustrating.

Look at his face and pick out the emotion or hear it in his voice if you're talking on the phone.

And here's another important one.

Men like a woman who supports them.

How often do you think men hear from a woman?

How can I support you?

It's almost like women have an expectation of men supporting them and never really stop to ask what they can do for them.

In the dating process,

A good way to see your compatibility is to try to do a challenge together such as a workout routine or juice cleanse.

These are just ideas.

Try doing something that bonds you two together in a way that is a little external.

There are a lot of ways to get to know someone besides having sex with them.

Pat Allen teaches how to communicate with a man properly.

I really recommend studying her work,

But in essence,

A woman shares with a man how she feels and asks him what he thinks.

A man shares with a woman what he thinks and asks her what she feels.

This is what she considers to be the waltz in communication,

Like a little dance.

Matthew Hussey once said to consider if you're really in love with the person you're with when you're with them or the idea of the person in your head when you're not together.

This is so important to distinguish.

Sometimes it can be tempting to plan out a whole fantasy future with a person in your mind,

But when you're actually with them,

The conversations are actually stale and boring.

If you ever get heartbroken,

Know that it's part of the dating process.

No matter what happens,

Accept the situation for what it is.

You can care about someone and realize that you have no control over their happiness.

You can be sad for a day,

A week,

A month,

A year even,

But when will you pick yourself back up?

Let me finish this episode with a quote from Tasha Silver in the book Change Me Prayers.

Change me,

Divine beloved,

Into one who can trust that the perfect person has already been selected in the right place and time we shall meet.

For you know every true desire of my heart.

May I only desire what you desire for me.

This episode's getting kind of long,

And I would love to share more about this topic.

But if you enjoyed this or it helped you in some way,

Please let me know and share it with a friend.

Seriously,

I have so much more that I want to share with you.

I'm not sure if you know this,

But honestly,

The best compliment to me is when you share episodes with your friends and family.

This is the best way for me to get my messages out there,

And your trust is so important to me.

Next week,

I'll post my episode with Carrie Klimas discussing the formula for taking action.

Carrie is a life mastery coach and does really incredible work.

You can connect with me on Instagram at DearLoveTheUniverse.

I'm always posting updates and what I consider fantastic quotes.

And if you are ready to claim your power back,

Book a no obligation discovery call to see for a good fit for each other by tapping the link in my Instagram bio or visiting www.

Calendoo.

Com.

Lastly,

If I created a course,

What would you want the course to be about?

You can let me know in my Instagram DM.

Thank you so much again for joining me and I'll talk to you next week.

And thank you so much,

Theresa.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Have a great night.

Reviews

I love tiff and will be looking gor more sessions

That is so true, thank you. I will stop trying to solve others problems....