The Good News About Shame And Dread

How much do you pay attention to your spidey sense? When you’re about to say something, or send that email, or post that shot: that quiet (or loud) voice that says, saying, ruh row, don’t do it. That feeling of shame, or dread? I’m listening sometimes. But sometimes, I definitely override. I wish I could catch myself always before I cause harm. The good news is, there's a way to practice.

That deep listening, that we practice so often with others? We can practice that with ourselves, too.

Transcript

Hey everyone, It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 394. And today I want to talk about the good news about shame and dread. So normally I don't put those words all in the same sentence, Shame, Dread, And good news, But there's a way of considering these qualities in a positive light and actually considering them as two of the most powerful qualities in mindfulness, Particularly in terms of wise communication, Wise action, And wise livelihood, Which are the three middle elements of the Eightfold Path. Let's spend a few Wake Up Calls examining those three middle elements in the context of shame and dread, And then maybe we'll look at the other five elements after that. Today, Just narrowing it down to wise communication and shame and dread, The Pali words for shame and dread in the context of wise communication are hiri and otapah, Hiri and otapah. And according to Bhikkhu Annalayo, Hiri is shame at the thought of being about to cause harm. So it's really a form of self-respect, And it applies prospectively. We can examine it through the lens of intention. It's the moment before I open my mouth when I know in my body I shouldn't say that, Or the moment when my fingers are hovering over the keyboard and I just get that sense of, Nope, Shouldn't write that, Shouldn't post that, Because my intention just isn't good. It just isn't right. Even when I've spent my usual ridiculous amount of time crafting the email or the post, Because I'm getting that cringy feeling, That sense of hiri, And I remember to pay attention to that, And oh, Bad news if I plow on. According to Andrew Olenski's 2017 article in Tricycle called Guardians of the World, Hiri and otapah are superpowers because they deliver that bad news. In other words, They point us toward that sense that something we're about to say isn't right, Isn't wise, Or is contrary to our ethics, Or in violation of our moral compass. So actually, Hiri and otapah are delivering good news because now we know, But they're not critical voices, And that's important for me to remember and sometimes hard for me to remember. So with hiri, It's that spidey sense of eek combined with not like, How could you, Or you idiot, To myself, But with kindness. With compassion. So it's more like a voice that says, Judy, Sweetheart, You know that's not a good thing to say, Or send, Or post. Or it says, After I've spent that insane amount of time crafting the email or the post, Judy, Sweetheart, Kill your darlings, Just channeling William Faulkner. All of which reminds me to what? Stop. Stop. Take a breath. Observe what's going on. Take in that I'm about to cause harm, That's part of the observation, And then proceed on a different tack. Or sometimes it's about wait instead of about stop. It's about wait. In other words, Asking myself, Why am I talking, Or writing, Or posting? Now I'm checking it with my intention. And I'd like to say I'm always aware of hiri and that it stops me every time, But that's definitely not the case. So the other day I was making some tea, And I was standing at the sink, And there was a bug, And it was about to fly towards me, And I was afraid it might fly into my tea. And I'm not a vegetarian, But still, I try not to randomly kill things. And a sense of wrongness in my body came up, And I just still went ahead and just swept the bug right into the hot water and down the drain. Or several years ago in the middle of winter, I was negotiating a big lease, And I was at an impasse with this lawyer in Cleveland where it was freezing. I was in the Bay Area. And I could feel how the things I was asking for were pissing her off and not getting the lease signed. And still, I ignored hiri, That spidey sense of just being off, Of pushing and pushing to make a point and to be a hero, When what my client really wanted was just ink on the page. They just wanted the darn thing signed. And I just kept going until the client who was getting all the CCs finally said, Fix this, Or we just booked you on a 6 AM flight to Cleveland tomorrow to fix it in person, Which was super far down on my list of choices. So at that point, I had to eat some crow and fix it. But if I'd been paying attention to hiri, I would have been able to use that superpower to course correct before sweeping the bug to its death, Before irritating the Cleveland lawyer. And I'm sure my tea would have been just fine. And the lease would have gotten signed more quickly. Eventually, It did. And it would have been just as nice of a feather in my cap, Or at least it just would have been put to bed. And that's what was wanted. So all of this is to say that hiri is about checking in with ourselves, Our intention, Whether we're pointing at what's wholesome and wise before we open our mouths to the public. 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