Hey,
There,
It's Judy Cohen,
And this is Wake Up Call 335.
And today's title is Aiming Towards Less Grief.
And we're looking at chapter 16 of the Dhammapada,
Which Gild Fransdael translates as the deer,
D-E-A-R.
And in his notes,
He says that the word he's translating into deer is the word pia,
P-I-Y-A in the Pali,
And that it can also be translated.
Pia can also be translated as precious,
Beloved,
Liked,
Agreeable,
Things like that.
So this chapter is about what is precious,
What is deer,
But not in a good way.
Not in such a complimentary way.
One of the first verses of the chapter says,
Do not turn anything into something longed,
For then it's dreadful to lose.
Without longing or dislike,
No bonds exist.
The chapter is not about how sweet it is that things,
Or maybe even humans,
Are dear to us.
It's about the practice of not getting entangled by liking this and disliking that,
By considering this or that deer.
And as I was reading the chapter,
For whatever reason,
The first thing that came to mind was strawberry ice cream.
I don't know why,
Because it's been cold here.
And plus,
I ate a lot of strawberry ice cream in January or in December.
And I'm on a no more ice cream for a minute pledge for January.
But anyway,
I thought of strawberry ice cream and how when it's a hot day and it's a long day and it's light past dinner,
Sometimes I just really want a strawberry ice cream because I love strawberry ice cream and how when I'm craving strawberry ice cream like that,
It's also because I'm infatuated with the amazing strawberry ice cream our local ice cream maker makes.
And all of that puts me in a state of longing,
Which is the same as craving,
Which is the cause of suffering,
The second noble truth.
And then if they don't have strawberry today at our ice cream store,
I'm going to suffer.
When I look up on that board and I see there's no strawberry,
I'm not going to like that.
Even if suddenly flash dislike,
It's still suffering and it's arising from having gotten in the car and driven down to the ice cream store with a craving for strawberry ice cream.
On the other hand,
If we're sitting at home and we said,
Let's go for ice cream,
And I don't even think about what I want,
And then I get there and there are 20 flavors,
No suffering,
Right?
I pick something that's there and I enjoy.
So longing,
So goes the verse,
Gives rise to grief.
Bummer,
They didn't have any.
Longing gives rise to fear.
Hurry,
It might run out.
And then there are a bunch of verses.
Affection gives rise to grief and fear.
Infatuation gives rise to grief and fear.
Craving gives rise to grief and fear.
For someone released from longing,
The verse continues,
There is no grief.
And from where would come fear?
From where would come fear?
So it's easy not to think about when it's happening,
But what about when it's something more consequential?
And I guess it seems like it's not so different,
But it does invite an investigation of that strong pull,
That way that it feels to want something very much.
And I have that a lot.
I have an idea of what I want for dinner,
Or I know what I want a document to look like or how I want a presentation to go.
How I want a wake up call to go.
And what sits underneath those preferences,
Which is what they are for me,
Is fear.
The verse says longing gives rise to fear.
And that's exactly what happens for me anyway.
I open up a document or I send out a note that needs a reply and I want something to happen.
I long for something to happen,
For something to have already been done.
And done in a certain way,
And it doesn't go that way.
Grief.
You know,
Grief is a big word,
But in my experience,
It covers it.
Maybe it's grief in the form of like a brief sense of disappointment,
Like really they miss that tight bow.
Yeah.
Or maybe it's grief in a more profound way,
A deep sense of sadness.
This person isn't doing what I need,
Yet they say they care about what we're doing.
And maybe it's in between.
But it's definitely some form of grief.
One of the first talks that I ever heard when I was a very young meditator,
My early thirties,
Was about this very thing,
Preferences,
Making things too dear on various levels,
Getting entangled by preferences.
And the talk essentially was about be easygoing.
Don't be a high maintenance person.
And even all these decades in,
I don't know if I know how to do that as a lawyer,
As a law professor.
If I look at Chapter 16,
Dear,
From that perspective,
For me,
Practicing and teaching law,
It's been a lot about that.
Right.
I've had a lot of fear that things will go the way I want them to,
Or I need them to.
Or my client needs them to.
And that fear has lurked underneath the surface of my life,
And it's hooked up in the form of frustration or anger or irritation or grumpiness.
That's its manifestation.
And I've had plenty of grief,
Too,
When things didn't go the way I wanted.
And I still tend to long for things to go just the way I want and to grieve,
Even if just briefly,
But sometimes deeply when they don't.
And as I sit more in law with this,
It feels to me like the law is a setup for grief and fear.
If my client needs X,
Then I try to get X and it becomes what I want,
Or maybe it was always what I wanted from the first moment I took on the case,
Because if not,
Maybe I shouldn't have taken it on.
So think about something like that for you.
A person you really want to not be incarcerated or someone you really want not to be deported or a parent you really love to see get more time with their kids or a business owner who wants a copyright or a deal you want to close.
And you really want that for them.
And all of these seem to me to be perfect recipes for longing.
Or it could be something you personally want,
The win,
The promotion,
The tenure to make partner.
I guess the question in this moment with this piece right now for me is,
Can we be passionate advocates and not hold so much dear,
Not become so entangled in longing?
I mentioned last week that the Bhagavad Gita says,
Do your duty and let go of outcome.
And that seems to be a way.
I have aspirations.
There are plenty of things I care about for myself,
For the kids,
For our profession,
For the planet.
There are plenty of things I care about a lot,
But I might not get the most of things I won't get,
Like a healthy planet in this lifetime.
I won't get that in my lifetime.
So even though they're dear,
They're my deep,
Strong preference.
This chapter is saying,
I think,
Don't do it that way.
Just do the work.
Live our lives.
Do everything humanly possible to help.
Aspire to be the best,
To accomplish the impossible.
Right?
I used to say to my daughter,
Work your petunia off.
When she was little,
I used to say that.
And then let go.
And that way,
Maybe there won't be so much fear all mixed in that things won't go the way we want.
Maybe there won't be so much grief when they don't.
And maybe that also makes space for what we do want.
And I think what we do need,
What I need,
Which is compassion.
Compassion for one another,
Caught in this pandemic,
Caught in the collapse of the planet,
Caught in the vortex of the white patriarchy of the West and of the law.
And maybe that also makes space for self-compassion,
Which sometimes for me,
I need that even more.
So let's sit together.
Finding your own meditation pasture.
Creating just these few moments of safe space for yourself.
Connecting to the earth.
Connecting to each other.
Connecting to ourselves.
And then one way to just be playful with this topic is just to see whether you have a preference for how this sit goes.
Are you looking for a calm and clear mind,
Comfortable body,
Quiet space?
And just noticing if there's longing attached to any of that,
If it's there,
There's longing attached to any of that.
And what might sit underneath that fear that it might not happen grief if it doesn't.
And just letting this sit be a little object lesson for the larger lesson.
Coming back to the investigation,
If it's useful,
If there's something about this sit that you're wanting,
Longing for,
Or maybe that the mind has wandered off into something you're working on or working with,
That sense of longing,
Wanting things to be a certain way,
To go a certain way.
And what would it feel like to just let go of that and put your best effort and intention into the moment.
Everything you have and then letting go.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Thanks everyone for being on the Wake Up Call.
Great to see you.
Great to practice with you.
Take good care.
Stay safe out there.
I'll see you next week.
