The Daisy Diaries: Chapter Four

This is the fourth chapter of Krista's personal memoir, The Daisy Diaries: A true story of one woman's unusual journey through tragedy, transformation, and triumph.
Chapter Four, July 2006: Tragedy Strikes

Note: This track contains strong language, depictions of sudden medical trauma, substance use, and moments of severe emotional distress and despair that may be triggering. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

Chapter 4. July 2006. Tragedy Strikes. On an ordinary summer day, I made plans with my girlfriends to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie at the matinee. Jake and his friends were heading out to Saxon Harbor at Lake Superior to go swimming. My friends and I were more interested in getting our Johnny Depp fix first, So we agreed to meet them afterward at the lake. The movie ended, Leaving us with a satisfying dose of sexy man pirates, And we hopped into my friend's car to meet the boys. We each tried calling one of them during our drive, Without any luck. They had no signal. This was no surprise. Most areas near Lake Superior don't have cellular service. As we approached Saxon Harbor, Our cell phones lost service too. Once we reached the final hill down to the harbor, We came upon a swarm of cars, People, And even an ambulance and helicopter in the harbor bay. Wow, What's going on? We all asked simultaneously. We had no idea what had happened, Nor who it happened to. We got out of the car and cautiously stepped closer towards the scene. I turn to ask my friends, Do you think the guy's left already? A split second later, I heard a voice calling my name from behind me. Krista! Krista! Do you know what happened to Jake? I heard the voice call. The words pierced through my chest as I turned around to a woman I had never seen before rushing towards me. I immediately teared up as my heart leapt up into my throat. Holy shit, What is going on? My mind raced in panic. No, I spit out with the tremble in my voice. I had no idea what happened, But reality suddenly dropped on me like a bomb. The helicopter was obviously here for Jake, And it couldn't be good. The woman introduced herself as Jake's friend's mother. He's hurt really badly, She said carefully. The helicopter is about to leave for Duluth. Here, Follow me to the boys. She put her hands on my shaking shoulders and guided us to a vehicle with Jake's friends sitting inside. Both boys were crying hysterically. I had never seen either of them cry before, And their obvious shock and pain was excruciating to see. Upon being ushered into the vehicle, My friends and I burst into tears with them, Still utterly clueless about what had happened. What in the hell is happening? What happened to these guys? My mind was racing just as fast as my heartbeat, Which pounded a deafening beat in my ears. What is going on? I finally choked out through my confused, Sloppy tears. Did you see him? No, The mom replied. They wouldn't let any of us near the ambulance, And they're about to take off. She continued to explain. Jake dove off the brake wall and hit his head. He's hurt very badly, But I don't know how much. All of us seem to sob harder with every word. He's unconscious. They're airlifting him to Duluth for an MRI. A numb daze clouded through my body as the details settled in. This can't be real. Jake's fine. He's got to be okay. I need to see him before he goes, I blurted out. My inner bull came out after the initial initial blow washed through me. I demanded to see Jake and understand what was happening. But he was already going into the helicopter. No one was going was allowed anywhere near close. Then I need to get to Duluth, I declared. Though blinded in a storm of shock and confusion, I was ready to drive straight to the nearest major hospital in Duluth, Minnesota, Where Jake was heading. Instead, The rest of the group in the vehicle coaxed me back down, Convincing me to settle down and call my family before I went anywhere. My friends and I got out of the car and walked to the Harbor Restaurant, The only place for miles with the landline. I called my mom, Who had already been called and was trying with countless others to reach my cell phone that had no service. Reluctantly, I agreed to stay put until she could pick me up and drive me to Duluth herself. The 15 minutes I waited for my mom felt like 15 hours. My anxiety was about to blow through my chest by the time she arrived. The next hour and 45 minutes to Duluth were more than I could bear. Luckily, My mom knew the hospital well, As my aunt was the head nurse of the intensive care unit, Exactly where Jake was. As soon as we arrived, We were told Jake was being assessed by the doctors, And we were guided to a waiting room until we could see him. The waiting room door opened before me to reveal Jake's parents and aunt standing inside, Pacing back and forth. They looked up and we all burst into tears, Rushing to each other with open arms. I'd always been shy around Jake's family, But no barriers existed as we embraced one another tightly, Sobbing uncontrollably. Another eternity passed before the door opened again. All of us froze. With a calm and serious look on his face. He opened his mouth to begin. The good news is that Jake is not going to die. What? My mind screamed. That's the good news? I didn't know that death was an option here. The bad news is, The doctor continued, That he broke his neck and severely damaged his spinal cord. He is paralyzed from the chest down. The entire world as I knew it froze within me. I think the doctor continued explaining Jake's condition, But I couldn't hear a thing. With my back pressed against a wall, I slowly sank down to the floor, Burying my head into my knees. I could do nothing but sob as shock stabbed me from every angle. Paralyzed? Fucking paralyzed? My thoughts scrambled to analyze the reality of paralysis like I had never heard the word before. This can't be. Not Jake. He's too big and strong to be broken. What happens now? I was so lost in the shock of the moment, It didn't yet occur to me that this could be a permanent affair. My consciousness returned to the room when I heard the doctor ask Jake's parents if they wanted to see him. He's unconscious and won't likely respond, But he can hear you, The doctor warned. If he does, Be sure he doesn't turn his neck. He could do worse damage before surgery. Both parents looked back at me, And Jake's father said, If we can see him, Krista can come too. He then reached out for my hand, Filling my heart with overwhelming love and reassuring acceptance, And we followed the doctor into the hallway. Our tears poured as we were guided through another doorway into a narrow room. There was Jake, Lying motionless with a large brace on his neck and a breathing tube in his mouth. I let his parents walk up to either side of the bed while I stood down at his feet, Unsure whether this was reality or a dream. Jake's parents took turns talking to him, With no noticeable reaction from Jake. The nurses in the doorway reminded us that he was highly sedated and would likely not open his eyes or answer us, But he could certainly hear us. His parents continued to speak, Pouring their love and promises out to Jake that everything was going to be alright. We couldn't see much more than a twitch of Jake's eyes. Then, His father looked at me and said, Come on up here, Don't you be shy. I tried to swallow as I hesitantly stepped forward to Jake's side. I felt paralyzed myself, With no clue what to do or what to say. Hi, Jake, I stuttered out with a quiver in my voice. Immediately, Jake's eyes opened wide and looked over, Sending waves of awe and tears around the room. He turned his head to look at me, And the room swirled into a panic. Jake, Don't move your head! You need to keep your neck straight! " The nurses and his parents exclaimed in unison. But every time I spoke, He kept turning to look at me. I leaned in as close as I could without falling on top of him to help keep his neck straight. Jake attempted and struggled to speak with the breathing tube in his mouth. I read his lips, Saying, I'm sorry. The room roared in tears. It's okay, Jake. Don't be sorry. My heart sank in guilt that these were his first words after such major trauma. You're going to be okay, And I'm going to be right here, " I assured him through stammering tears. After what only felt like a few seconds, The nurses said it was time for us to go and that we could see Jake again once he was settled in the intensive care unit. After another agonizing wait, We were finally led to his new room, Where I immediately pulled up a chair to the side of his bed, Staring at him in disbelief. This can't be real, I thought to myself. How could my big, Strong Jake be paralyzed? His surgery was scheduled for early the following day, Which turned out to be the longest day ever. I don't remember exactly how many hours his surgery lasted, But to me, It felt like it took until the end of eternity. I sat in a waiting room with his mom and aunt, Sometimes pacing anxiously back and forth or sitting silently with a blank stare of fear and disbelief. Is this really happening? I'd ask in my head each time I came to and realized again where I was. Is Jake going to be okay? Just when I thought I would die from anticipation, A nurse came into the room. The family of Jake Gertz, She called out. Yes, Yes, That's us, Jake's mom exclaimed. Jake is just getting out of surgery now. It went very well, The nurse said. They were able to take bone from his hip and replace part of his vertebrae. He's got a large scar down the back of his neck and a smaller one from the front. They also put a halo on him to hold his neck straight while it heals. Don't be alarmed. There are four screws into his head to hold the halo in place. Holy shit, I thought to myself. I can't believe this is happening. Are we sure we're really talking about my Jake? Are we able to see him yet? His mom asked through soft tears. Yes, Please follow me, The nurse replied, Slowly turning to open the doors behind her and leading us down another hallway. As we came to Jake's doorway, My heart was beating so hard I was sure that everyone across the building could hear it. With no idea what kind of condition he would be in, I braced myself and followed his parents into the room. My heart dropped to the floor as I laid eyes on Jake, Who lay motionless in the bed before me. I had never seen a halo before, And it looked terrifying. A colossal harness wrapped around Jake's chest and held metal bars connected to the halo around his head. My eyes drew straight to the screws of the halo that embedded into his forehead. Wow, This can't be real, I thought again. But it is real. What the hell really happened out at that lake to do this to him? Over the next few days, I collected the details of the accident. The boys drove off. The boys dove off one of the harbor break walls to swim to the opposite side. Jake dove in last and happened to hit his head on a sandbar about five feet below the water level that had recently formed during the ongoing reconstruction of the harbor's pier. Realizing that Jake did not come back up from his dive, His friends first thought he was joking. When Jake still didn't come to the surface, The boys swam back to where they dove in to find him. One of them was able to stand on that same sandbar and look down into the water, Finding Jake drowning below. In shock and instant survival mode, The boys lifted Jake's head above water, Screaming for help. By the grace of God, A boat was entering the harbor, And its driver happened to be a paramedic on vacation that day. Immediately coming to their rescue, The boat's passengers helped lift Jake on board. The angelic paramedic captain gave Jake CPR as they rushed to the nearest dock. Calls for help gathered nearby boaters and campers. Many were also paramedics and nurses on camping vacations. These angels in disguise continued CPR tirelessly, Losing Jake's heartbeat several times before an ambulance arrived about 20 minutes later. As phone calls were made, Including to me, My friends and I were already past the point of no cell service on our drive to the lake. By the time Jake's parents were reached, They were told to drive straight to Duluth, Where I eventually met them in the waiting room of excruciating suspense. I stayed by Jake's side in the hospital for the next two months, Literally sitting at his bedside day in and day out, Only leaving to spend the evenings at various local hotels and campus dorm rooms with his parents and aunt. I never thought I could get so close to his family so quickly. Once known as Jake's shy and quiet girlfriend, They watched me break out of my shell over the months we unexpectedly lived together. Experiencing the shocking wake-up call to the fragility of life and physical mobility, My walls came crashing down. I suddenly couldn't think of anything to hide or be shy about anymore. Experiencing this together, Both of our families united unanimously to support each other and help take care of Jake. The years of drama with Jake instantly dissolved. The silly games of drinking and cheating were rendered insignificant. I couldn't be mad at him anymore, And neither could my parents. Their worries over Jake and I partying and having sex came to a screeching halt. Without hesitation, My parents did all they could to support Jake and his family, Including letting me live in Duluth to stay close to the hospital. I know they hated it, But you know me, I was too stubborn to move. I refused to leave Jake's side. This time, My mom let me do what I wanted and felt I needed to help Jake. I was quickly introduced as Jake's girlfriend to all the family, Friends, And community members who came to visit Jake and wish for his recovery and healing. Every new introduction made me realize, This is it. The more people I met, The more I felt destined to take care of Jake for the rest of his life. At 17, The fate of this accident convinced me that I'd undoubtedly marry Jake, Take care of him, And see him through total recovery. Still in disbelief of our new reality, I fully intended to see his complete healing. I wasn't ready to face the truth of this permanence. Especially after I learned that Jake didn't completely cut his spinal cord, I sought relentless optimism. Jake will walk again and will be just fine, I constantly reassured myself. I promised myself that Jake would be a living miracle. I believed that his spinal cord would heal itself. In hindsight, It's debatable whether that optimism was true faith or my own selfish wishes. Jake was the one who drove me around and helped me do all the tough, Manly things. But now, The role's reversed, And I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to take on this role. However, This bull never turned down a good challenge. I sat by his side tirelessly, Confident that my support would heal him. The strength of the bowl drained out of me at an alarming rate, Though. Maintaining my initial level of optimism grew more difficult as each long day dragged on. Every day played out a traumatic version of Groundhog Day, Repeating the same experience of fear, Sorrow, And resistance to reality over and over again. Day in and day out, Jake's family and I settled into a routine. I spent all day in the hospital on the same chair next to Jake's bed for most of my waking hours. I was seen at his side so often, The chair was named my perch by nurses and family. I occasionally switched it up and moved my chair to the other side of his bed before returning to curling up in a ball on my seat, Leaning against the bed rail and praying silently that this shall pass. From my perch, I sat and watched my boyfriend deteriorate before my eyes. At six foot one, Jake was about 220 pounds of husky muscle on the day of his accident. Since then, I witnessed his body shrink day by day until his arms were smaller than my own. Jake often refused to eat from nausea and pure misery, And as his weight continued to drop, I became the staff's helpful assistant as the only one who could occasionally get him to eat. Eating wasn't the only sore subject I was tasked to handle with Jake. I was his girlfriend, And therefore the person he felt most comfortable confiding in. And Jake had a lot more on his mind than the hospital food. He was angry. He was robbed of his freedom. He was depressed about his hopeless future. And he had no way to escape. He was literally paralyzed and trapped in a hospital bed, At the mercy of strangers to take care of his most basic needs. My perch also served as my new therapy office. Each day, I sat and listened, Letting Jake release his pain by yelling at me with his frustrations whenever we had a moment of privacy in his room. These vent sessions blurred right into the repetition of our Groundhog Day routine. Though my own empathetic and guilt-stricken consciousness has since blocked out full memory of many of Jake's heartbreaking rants, I can still feel the following words cut right through my heartstrings. If I have to live in a wheelchair, I'm going to kill myself, He growled. Hearing these words hurt so bad that I couldn't stop myself from crying. Though I had trained myself to dish out words of support and encouragement tirelessly, I don't remember how I responded to this one. I'm not sure that I ever actually did. It stunned me. Every time. Because if I were in Jake's place, I would want to kill myself too. How do you comfort someone who has just lost their most basic human capabilities with mere words? I don't think any words can provide that comfort. That kind of comfort doesn't even exist. And though I wasn't the one permanently immobilized, The idea of life ending at this point started to sound more tempting to me too. Our Groundhog Day story dragged on through the summer until it was time for me to prepare for school again. I was about to enter my senior year, Yet the excitement I had my entire life for this year was now non-existent. I couldn't think about focusing on anything other than Jake. I was permanently attached to my perch at his side. Nothing else could be more important than making sure Jake healed. My stubbornness couldn't hold up to reality, Though. I had to go back to school. This meant no more living near the hospital. I had to go back home and to school five days a week. I promised Jake I would come to Duluth every weekend until he could go home too. I reluctantly entered my last year of high school. By this point, Our entire small community was aware of Jake's accident. Plus, Our relationship was very well known through the school, And I appeared to be the key person to ask about Jake's condition. I was immediately approached by teachers and staff asking how Jake was doing. The response in my mind always went something like this. Are you kidding me? He's fucking paralyzed and telling me every day that he will kill himself if he has to live in a wheelchair. He's miserable. I'm miserable. And I wish I could strangle you for even asking. However, The words that filtered through my thickening mask of optimism went something more like this. Oh, He's doing great, Given the conditions. He's still alive, He's healthy, And hanging in there. We can't wait for him to come home. About 20 times a day, I was confronted by this question, And every time, My chest tightened. Heartbeat racing. Palms sweating. I thought my nerves over parties and Jake's cheating were terrible, But now, Anxiety swallowed me whole. Every morning filled me with fear of having to face that question again with a smile on my face. As the questions and overwhelming sense of being watched and gossiped about continued, My anxiety skyrocketed until my body felt ready to explode through my skin. After several emotional breakdowns in front of my parents at home, They suggested that I talk to my doctor about options to help my anxiety, Who quickly prescribed me an antidepressant. She warned me that it may take a while for my body to adjust to it, And she was right. The first week was rough. My mind seemed to be spinning out of control with intense up and down mood swings. This is making me feel even worse, I thought to myself. I couldn't handle feeling any worse. I needed an escape and just wanted to be numb. Since I knew I couldn't hide and drink all day to numb myself, I started smoking pot regularly. I adopted a routine of getting high with a close friend before school. Every day. I didn't think I could handle walking into the building without the high to pad my anxiety. I became afraid of sobriety altogether. It made me face reality. Reality was no longer something I could accept or handle, So neither was sobriety. My weekends remain dedicated to returning to my perch at Jake's side. Except now, I smoke pot in my car the whole drive to Duluth and back. At least now that I was high all the time, And my antidepressant seemed to be slowing down my inner emotional rollercoaster, The sharp pain of reality became fuzzy enough to daze my way through. Now let me tell you, This new weekend routine of sitting in a hospital instead of going to parties was unfamiliar to me. Especially now that I was constantly craving any kind of buzz to free me from my living nightmare, I let resentment begin to build towards Jake's unfortunate fate. Not only did I have to deal with the demands of his caregiving, I had to miss out on all the opportunities to drink until I couldn't feel. By the end of September, I was burnt out, Literally. Exhausted from school and being high around the clock, I tried to maintain my involvement in dance classes and as captain of the cheerleading team during the week before heading back to the hospital on the weekends, Feeling angry at the world through it all. I felt bitter with Jake for getting hurt, Though looking at him made my heart break with compassion, Love, And hope for his future. I wanted to be mad at him. Him for trapping me in this fate, Especially after all the pain he put me through before getting hurt. I felt locked in a cage of my own life with no way out.