The Daisy Diaries: Chapter Three

This is the third chapter of my personal memoir, The Daisy Diaries: A true story of one woman's unusual journey through tragedy, transformation, and triumph.
Chapter Three, March 2004: New Love, New Heartbreak
Written (and spoken) with raw and relatable truth, The Daisy Diaries is an authentically messy road map from darkness to light, navigating through heartbreak and loss, spiritual awakening, and the discovery of radical self-love and fulfillment.

Note: This track contains strong language, substance use, infidelity, emotionally distressing relationship experiences, and references to early intimate experiences. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

Chapter 3, March 2004. New Love, New Heartbreak. Enter Jake. The boy that would rock my world, Shatter my heart into pieces, And change our lives together. Spring forward to my second semester of freshman year, Sitting in computer class. Yes, With the old desktop computers. Those big and boxy Dell monitors with gigantic clunky button keyboards. Real keyboards, Not screens. Anyway, In passing to and from this ecstatic computer class, I occasionally smiled and said hello to our teacher's assistant, Who was two grades above us and carried on third thought. Until one day, He approached me and said, Hey, My friend Jake thinks you're cute. At first, I didn't know who Jake was. I recognized him once he was pointed out to me, But I'd never thought about attracting the attention of an older boy. I learned Jake was two and a half years older, Even a few months older than my sister, Who was also in his class. This was certainly awkward, But I was quickly blinded and swept away by the idea of being cool enough for an older boy to like me. Soon enough, Jake and I were paired up to hang out with our mutual friends. We later learned that this was indeed a game of blind matchmaking, As his friend, The teacher's assistant, Had a crush on my friend. And decided that pairing us together would work wonders in his own conquest to win over my friend. How lucky for me! Jake was cute, Funny, And popular. I was quickly flying high on a new crush. Within a few weeks of spending time together, Jake asked me to be his girlfriend. Not long after that, I was wearing his old softball t-shirt in gym class. Our gym teacher, Who Jake worked for part-time, Found great joy in teasing me every day in that shirt. Telling stories about my future marriage with Jake, Having 10 kids, And living in a trailer. I openly received his jokes and kept wearing the shirt, All in good fun. I could see Cody cringe every time he heard Jake's name or looked at my shirt. Maybe I wore it just to rub it in his face. Look at me now with this cool older boy. It was official now. Cody and I were really done for good. However, The timing of Jake and I getting together was not ideal. Just before our matchmaking, He agreed to go to prom with a girl from another school. Since they were in different schools with different proms, They signed up for both. Upon learning this rather threatening detail, Jake assured me that he wasn't at all interested in her and felt obligated to accept her invitation and invite her to his prom in return. Only because he didn't yet have a date at that time. Unfortunately, It was too late to go back and change plans, So we moved forward with our relationship and let prom come as they planned. When the first prom arrived, Nausea grew in my stomach throughout the day and reached its peak as I waited with my friends at the prom's grand march. I knew his date had a crush on him, And I was immensely worried that she might be able to steal him from me that night. I tried to be at his side through the event and take as many pictures of us as were taken of him and his date. I don't think she and I ever spoke at that point. There was an unsaid and extreme tension between us, The young girlfriend and the hopeful prom date. I couldn't even look at her without my heart leaping up into my throat. I kept trying to soothe the sickening pit in my stomach with reassurance that I'd be going to the afterparty with Jake, And all would be okay from there. During the prom, I went to my friend's house for a sleepover and planned to attend the after party with Jake and his friends. They were supposed to let us know on MSN Messenger when they got to the party for us to come. I pretended my stomach was twisted in knots all night waiting for that message to arrive. And when it finally did, From Jake's friend, It wrote, Sorry, There's already too many people out here so you can't come anymore or we'll get in trouble. I'm sorry. What the fuck? " my friend exclaimed. I felt like I was going to throw up. My gut was screaming what I didn't want to believe or accept. Jake is cheating on me. My friend tried to reassure me with every possible excuse for the sudden change in plans and Jake's inability to speak a word to me all night. But as I tried to deny reality in my anxious mind, Jake was already drunk and about to lose his virginity to his prom date. After a sickening, Sleepless night, I finally heard from him the following day, Promising me that nothing had happened. I tried to convince myself that I believed him, But I knew in my gut that it was a lie. Still, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt since he swore he was faithful. After several days of rumors flying around our school and anxiety swallowing me whole, A mutual friend of Jake's and his prom date stopped me in the hallway to tell me what she knew. Here, The truth came out for the first time. Jake not only messed around with this girl, He had sex with her. I might have blacked out at that moment. On the inside, It felt like my chest exploded. On the outside, I choked down tears, Thanked her, And continued down the hallway with an attitude ready to kill. Completely shattered and outraged, I confronted Jake after school through a storm of tears. And he still continued to deny it. But I wouldn't have it. I knew the truth and refused to stop the accusations until he confessed. Eventually, He did. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I promise I will never do it again, Jake claimed in guilty tears. I wasn't sure if his tears were from genuine guilt or just from getting caught, But I wanted so badly to believe he was truly sorry. Hurt someone that cared about this badly. Certainly not such a nice guy like Jake. He had to be uncontrollably wasted to do such a hurtful thing. I even wanted to believe he couldn't remember a bit of what happened. Regardless, My heart was broken. This time, That 15-year-old heart felt shattered. How could anyone do something so hurtful and disrespectful to anyone? Why did he start dating me in the first place if he knew he was going to do this? I couldn't make any sense of it. I cried in my room for days, Howling tears, As my mom described, Although at the time she had no idea what had hurt me so badly. I refused to tell her. I was embarrassed and knew she'd try to make me break up with my boyfriend again if she knew what he did. You would think. This would have been the end of a very short relationship. But remember, There was still another prom the very next day for Jake and his date to attend. And have I mentioned that I am bullheaded? A true Taurus from birth. I wasn't about to let him go to another after prom party with this girl, So I stayed with him. I made sure to get to the party this time, Praying that I would ruin that girl's prom for the evil act she imposed on me. The next few weeks were a broken record of uncontrollable tears and apologies. Honestly, As I write this, I'm baffled by how Jake and I stayed together. I no longer trusted him, And I can't imagine he found any enjoyment from my frequent emotional outbursts. Then I remembered, When things were good, They were so good. Jake was hilarious and charming. We could spend hours laughing together. Our precious moments alone made our troubles seem to disappear. We cared too much about each other to let it go, So we stuck it out, And Jake promised and proved, For a little while at least, To be faithful. As the next few months rolled by, I lost count of how many times I cried and he settled my tears with promises that he wouldn't be able to keep. It appears to be true insanity as I look back now, Although it fills me with so much compassion and sorrow for my young, Naive 15-year-old heart, Who wanted so desperately to love and be loved that she would take such treatment as if she deserved it. What a sad girl my younger self was, Who let her guard down and threw her morals to the wayside to be wanted and accepted by this boy who stole her immature heart. And that stubborn bull that I was, And must admit, Still am, Would tough through such heartbreaking betrayal just to make sure that no other girl could steal him again. Jake and I continue dating, Somehow managing to deepen our relationship. We were together daily after school, Driving around in his tiny, Tight Toyota truck, And either hiding away in his bedroom with movies and laughter, Or exploring ways to find trouble with our friends. Since his friends first experimented with drinking at their prom, The curiosity and thrill of alcohol became the latest fascination and quickly influenced my younger friends and me. A pattern soon developed of partying nearly every Friday and Saturday night. But, Since I had a strict curfew enforced by my mom, Who I'm sure could sense what I was getting into without obvious evidence, I had to get creative. So, I cleverly asked for sleepovers every weekend. First at other friends' houses, Particularly those crushing on Jake's friends, And especially those with less strict parents than my own. Until, That is, The latest party location settled at Jake's friend's house, Just four blocks away from mine. Since I had an earlier curfew than everyone else, This convenient location required more creativity after hours. I kept asking for sleepovers, Now at my own house. After my parents went to bed and it was quiet throughout the house, My most mischievous friends and I would sneak out and run a few blocks to the party. At this point, I wasn't pulled too far into drinking, But I sure was wrapped around Jake's finger. Well, More like we were both tangled in each other's webs. I was willing to do whatever it took to be in his arms as much as possible, Especially when he was drinking. I convinced myself it was because I cared about him so much, And he cared about me just the same. But looking back now, It's clear how consumed I was by making sure he wasn't getting too drunk and cheat on me again. The parties became a predictable scenario of passion and pain each night. Jake and I quickly disappeared into a bedroom upon my late night arrivals and swept into a passionate whirlwind of kissing and fooling around. Until the passion got too hot and heavy, That is. As soon as I felt an inkling of the heat rising too high, I burst into a sobby mess of tears. I suddenly felt cornered by an unspoken pressure to go further with him sexually than my mind and body were ready to go. I feel like I have to sleep with you now that you've done it before. I'd choke out through ugly tears. How could you do this to someone you think you really care about? Then, Exhausted by the tidal wave of betrayal that repeatedly washed over me, I buried my sobbing face in his chest, Soaking his shirt in tears, If he was even wearing one. I needed to know that he was genuinely sorry for hurting me, Not just for getting caught. I needed a guarantee that it would never happen again. Jake always remained patient and consoling. Even though they sprung right at the peak of our passion, He always stopped to hold me and let me cry. He often cried too. He must really be sorry if he's crying, I reassured myself. Yet I couldn't hear him say, I'm sorry enough times. The words alone were never enough. Jake unwaveringly denied any intention of laying pressure on me and promised that we could move as slowly as I wanted to. But now that he was no longer a virgin, I didn't know how long I was able to wait anymore. My screaming insecurity warned me that if I didn't sleep with him soon, He'd do it with someone else. Again. I mean, Who are we trying to kid? He had sex already. As a hormone-raging 17-year-old, Of course he'd want to do it again. So I kept giving him a little more every time, Eventually exploring every possible intimate alternative to sex in an attempt to keep him satisfied. I didn't know if I really wanted to be doing these things. I just knew I wanted him to stay with me and no one else. A few months later, Once I felt my body had run dry of tears, Jake was living up to his promise of loyalty to me. It finally felt like we were back to where we started, With moments full of laughter and fun, Especially when just the two of us. When we were sober, We really were the perfect couple. Time stood still when it was only he and I. I didn't care where we were or what we were doing. If I was with him, I felt happy and complete. Finally, I started to feel confident that we were truly in love with each other and decided I was ready for Jake to take my virginity. I was only 15 that summer. Jake and I went swimming at Lake Superior with friends earlier that day. After whispering in his ear that I was ready, We drove out to his dad's hunting camp. To say the least, It was a much less magical environment than I dreamed about for my first time. In the heat of a stuffy wooden cabin, We nervously got to business. As the moment came, My body felt numb from the waist down. Happening. By the time it was over, Mild nausea washed over me. I just got her sloppy seconds. Yet I still convinced myself that I was ready and meant to be with Jake. I hadn't felt this crazy about anyone before, Not even Cody. Suddenly, It seemed like all our previous intimate encounters were just warm-ups. Now we entered the Olympic Games of raging teenage hormones. Jake and I were going at it whenever and wherever we could to find any glimpse of privacy, Exploring each other's bodies like our lives depended on it. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. It had to be true love, Right? As our sexual exploration continued, So did our experimentation with alcohol. If we weren't alone in Jake's bedroom on the weekends, We were at parties getting wasted with our friends. And by wasted, I mean entirely shitfaced. My girlfriends and I would get cheap gallons of Carlo Rossi wine from friends of friends who were over 21, Then chug the entire jug like water. Mixing liquor, Wine, Beer, Anything with alcohol content was fair game. The more we drank, The more reckless each party became. Of course. My mom couldn't know about this. She'd kill me. And ground me forever, As she often did already. So I mastered the art of my weekly sleepovers, Sneaking out of different friends' houses to escape to the latest party. Each weekend was a quest to get more drunk than the weekend before, Do more stupid shit we wouldn't remember, And puke a time or two during trips to pee in the woods before eventually crawling into someone's bed with Jake. As we partied harder, I fought harder to protect my relationship. Besides Jake's ever-lurking prom date, There were always plenty of others present and eager to play in the game of breaking us up. Drunk boys began approaching me as drunk girls flocked to Jake, And I soaked up the attention. It wasn't that I really wanted to make Jake jealous, At least not when I was sober. But the more I drank, The angrier I felt, And the more I wanted him to know how badly he hurt me and make sure he'd never hurt me again. One night, In the wee morning hours at the end of one of my hardest and most embarrassing nights of partying, I finally acted on my revenge. Let me paint this hot mess of a scene for you. My friends had convinced one in our group to have a party while her parents were out of town. We went all out with a pimps and hoes themed party. Because that was totally cool and acceptable. To dress slutty, Get shitfaced, And let the belligerence commence. Not far into the evening, My best friend Mel, All 5 feet and 100 pounds soaking wet of her, And I drank straight from a bottle of Bacardi. And finished it. Dressed in skanky tops and skirts, We danced on the kitchen countertops and ran wild all over the place. I don't remember much, Thank God, Although I do know I fell straight on my ass down an entire flight of stairs, Which led me to be carried to a bathtub as a safety precaution, You know, In case I threw up. It was the only logical place for me to rest. However, My wasted bestie found it hilarious to turn on the bathwater, Which fired me up for the next round of obliterated nonsense. I was falling all over the place, Until I briefly, Or perhaps for a very long time, Who knows, Passed out on the kitchen floor, Spread-eagle with a short skirt on, With everyone at the party to sit back and take in the view. I vaguely remember Jake making an appearance at this gong show. Though I tried to defer him from coming just so I could rage in all my drunken, Revengeful glory. To say the least, Jake was not impressed with my level of intoxication. I believe I repeatedly questioned why he came, And after failing to coax me into leaving the party and to settle down and sober up, He finally went home in frustration. But one of his friends stayed and got just as drunk as I did. After I took another break or two to pass out on a couch or the floor, I woke up with the desire to finally give Jake a taste of his own medicine, And it filled me with a disgusting level of excitement. Around three or four in the morning, Lingered at the party found places to crash, And I landed in the basement with Jake's friend, Alone. To be honest, I wasn't really attracted to him, Nor do I think he was to me. We were attracted to the carelessness of intoxication, And I was obsessed with revenge. Nevertheless, We kissed, And before either of us knew it, I'd experienced my second sexual partner, One of my boyfriend's friends. I don't believe, Nor hope, Hope, Either of us remembers much of the awkwardly sloppy experience. It sure wasn't a proud moment by any means. At the time, Though, It didn't matter. I claimed my vengeance. I triumphantly tied up the score. Now we were even and the pain game could finally be over. Although my soul felt guilty for acting against my own morals, I felt justified. If Jake experienced how painful being cheated on was, Then he wouldn't do it again to me. I honestly believe this would be the end of it and we could live happily ever after in reconciliation and peace. Well, That might have been an almost logical scenario in a slightly less sick and twisted way had I not picked his good friend as my partner in crime. What I served back to Jake was a double stab in the back, Not only by me, But also by his once innocent friend. Jake still forgave us, Knowing firsthand exactly how drunk we both were that night. It seemed that our infidelities were cleared and behind us now. At least while we were sober. But the partying continued to get further out of control every weekend. My mom finally started catching me sneaking out of the house and grounding me for it. She knew I was getting in trouble with Jake and was trying her hardest to influence me, With force, Out of my relationship with him. But my stubbornness protested. Not again. No way in hell will she tell me who I can and cannot be with. My mom and I quickly moved into a routine of regular screaming matches over my going out with friends. Little did she know that my anger at her was only bursts of anxiety from my need to be where Jake was. If I wasn't there, Someone else would be, And I couldn't trust him to not get drunk enough to cheat on me again. It was never about the fun of the party. It was all about making sure that no other girls were trying to take my place. But I couldn't explain that to my mom. To her, I seemed to be a wild and selfish little brat. Now that I was a teen, I was promoted from brat to bitch. I had no concern for anyone other than myself and my own selfish motives. And now that I had been caught lying and sneaking out of the house multiple times, I certainly couldn't be trusted. What in the hell is wrong with you, She'd ask in a rage every time I got caught in another lie. Inside, My heart was screaming with anxiety. But you have no idea what will happen if I don't go out, I thought. I'll lose my goddamn mind staying locked up in this house without Jake. I could never tell her what was really happening in our relationship. I knew she would freak out. I had to deal with it on my own. Instead of confessing my honest, Heart-wrenching anxiety, I screamed back at her. What the hell is wrong with you? All of my friend's parents let them stay out late on the weekends, I shouted at her. All my friends think you're a crazy and controlling bitch. And you know what? They're right. I don't give a shit what your friend's parents let them do. You're a 15 year old and there's no way I'm going to let you out and run around at all hours of the night doing God knows what, She declared. I don't know what the hell makes you think you can just do whatever you want. You're so inconsiderate of everyone else around you. I can't believe it. These words, And many other versions like them, Comprise the almost daily fights between my mom and me. No matter what version played out, They always seemed to burn a little deeper each time. You selfish little bitch! Always stung, Signaling an alarm inside the back of my brain that repeated back continuously. You selfish bitch! You selfish bitch! In the moment. I never could stop and just say out loud to my mom how badly those words made me feel. I only responded with more anger and attack. I fucking hate you, I'd shout at her. How are you my mother? I thought to myself as I glared into her eyes, Unable to recognize the stranger she appeared to be. How the hell is it so hard to communicate with you? I couldn't build the nerve to tell my truth to her out loud to her face. It felt forbidden. I had grown up with an understanding that I must do and say what pleases her to avoid her disapproval. If I told her exactly what I was thinking or feeling in the moment, Would she freak out and yell at me? Or will she just give me the silent treatment, Huffing and puffing in my presence while darting around the house doing all the chores no one else helped her with? The negative energy she emitted when upset or irritated was so strong it was hard to be in the same room with her. The feeling was so unpleasant, I never found it worth it to intentionally upset her with my truthful words I knew she would disagree with. Just thinking about telling her something difficult filled me with sickening anxiety. Every time, I got ridiculously choked up trying to spit out my words to her and would instead get angry and yell at her. Yet I knew I wasn't just mad at her. I was mad at myself for my inability to speak or explain myself clearly. Instead, I did the next best thing. I tried my best to organize my words on paper so that she might understand what I was trying to say. Trying to explain. The words poured straight from my vulnerable heart. I cried and spent many hours writing each long letter, And as cell phones became more popular, Every long text. Before sending them to her, I prayed that they might finally hold the right words that my mom could understand. Unfortunately, Every time concluded with a defensive reaction that ultimately made me feel 10 times worse than I did before saying anything. My growing fear of her reaction developed a personal habit of holding things in, Letting them go unheard and unaddressed until they finally burst out of me in unexpected and unpleasant ways, Like screaming, I fucking hate you in my mother's face. And so, I was often grounded, And in my absence, It didn't take long for Jake to cheat on me again. Though we stayed together, The battle of revenge continued by taking shots, Both of liquor and at each other, One drunken night at a time. Eventually got to the point that it didn't matter if I made it to the party. Infidelities happened anyways. Enemies. Acquaintances. Best friends. No one was off limits when it came to the heartbreaking game of battleship between us. We continued to steer our emotional train wreck on and off the tracks while managing to maintain a picture-perfect appearance as the cutest high school sweethearts in public, The football player and the cheerleader. Yet every weekend, We took shit face to a new level, Both frequently crossing a new girl or boy that was just as drunk and willing to join the game of retaliation. So here's how our loyalty appeared to lay out. As long as we were too drunk to take responsibility for our actions, We could forgive each other and master the art of making up. Though we couldn't control ourselves on the weekend, Our relationship was completely different during the week. When it was just the two of us, Sober, We did make the perfect couple. We played and laughed together in our own little world where no one else seemed to exist. During the week. Jake and I got along perfectly. He treated me like a princess, Always picking me up, Bringing me wherever I wanted to go, And going out of his way to make our private moments together fun and romantic. During the week, I was in love with my soulmate. He took care of me and protected me. I felt safe and secure in his presence, Enough to truly make me believe that we were destined to be together. I daydreamed about our future marriage and wondered what our kids would look like. How many kids would we have? Where would we live? What will our future look like? During the week, It didn't matter what we did to each other at the last out-of-control party. Our connection felt unquestionable. Jake didn't want to be with anyone else but me, And I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. For a few weeks or months at a time, At least, Before the next swing of the cheating ax struck. Another year passed while Jake and I continuously cycled through love and laughter to betrayal and tears. Then in 2005, Jake graduated high school and left for college two hours away that fall. I was only entering my junior year of high school, Yet we ignored our past's apparent warning signs and stayed together. The distance quickly grew painful for me, And I knew Jake could party even harder in college, And I couldn't be there. And of course, My mom refused to let me go visit him. Absolutely not. A high schooler doesn't belong on a college campus, She demanded. No matter how much I argued, Screamed, And completely shut down on her, There was no convincing her. Back into our romantic reunions. Let's not forget, Though, I was a master at partying and revenge myself. Although I was frequently confined to my home on the weekends by my mom, I never gave up my determination to sneak out of the house for a good party. To justify my fear of Jake's unknown infidelity, I partied with the new senior boys and my friends, Carelessly soaking up the attention of the latest boy that dared to give it to me. Eventually, The truth of Jake's college adventure slipped out one at a time, As did my own collection of dirty secrets. The stress of our distance reached a peak by mid-fall, And for the first time, We officially broke up. Well, For a few weeks at least, Or long enough for me to give someone else half a chance before Jake came home again. Because every time he did, We both couldn't resist the pull right back into our old, Tangled webs. We were just meant to be together, I concluded. I couldn't resist falling back into Jake's comfortable and strong arms. Though I chased and had flings with a handful of other boys during our blurry breakup, I felt certain that there was no one else I truly wanted to be with but Jake. No one made me feel like he did. When we were sober, That is. Everyone else only sounded like a good idea while I was drunk and lonely at parties, Or after I knew Jake hooked up with someone again. Through it all, No one had my heart like Jake did. No one had his like I did either. If we could have only been able to resist the temptation of underage drinking, We might have had a great and stable relationship. At least we did during the week. Two years after we first met, Jake and I were on again. This time my own junior prom was quickly approaching. After some resistance and resentment, I decided to take Jake to my prom. An entire group of my friends made dates with Jake's crew, Including a couple of his new college friends. We planned to pick out his tuxedo for prom during one of Jake's weekend visits. I had just finally picked out my dress, A slinky strapless lime green one, Exposing underlayers of vibrant pink and purple chiffon at the big slit running up one leg. Ignoring the nightmarish memories from Jake's junior prom, I focused on how damn good Jake and I were going to look together at my junior prom. The day we picked out his text was like any other ordinary day. Except when we walked into the shop. The only one in the area that rented prom tuxedos, We walked in to see none other than Cody. Cody and his date, And my fellow cheerleader, Dancer, And so-so friend in our class were also there picking out his texts. Standing right inside the door, We nearly plowed them over upon our entrance. First stunned by our coincidental timing, I then felt a wave of jealousy wash through me. She's like his sister, And her own boyfriend won't go to prom. I reassured myself about Cody's date. Wait, Why do I care? I'm here with Jake. Be cool. We politely exchanged hellos and quickly turned to page through a catalog of color swatches for vests, Ties, And bows. We paused on a page of lime green as I pulled color swatches of my dress out of my purse. Suddenly, Cody's date exclaimed from behind us, Wait, What color is your dress? She huffed, Coming closer to get a look. Lime green? Ugh, No way. My dress is lime green too. Oh, Great, I thought. Cody's wearing lime green too. You guys are going to match, She continued. Are you kidding me, I thought. This can't be happening. Well, There's pink and purple on my dress too, I reassured the group. We'll do pink instead. Jake will be sexier in pink anyway, I thought to myself. Cody was silent, Standing back slightly with what felt like a repelling fear to get too close to me. Jake felt relaxed about it, Even a bit noticeably more affectionate towards me. Marking his territory, I figured. I marked mine too. We're still together, See, I thought, As if I were speaking telepathically to Cody. Look how great my boyfriend is. After a brief exchange of comments and complaints between us girls over our dresses being the same color, Cody and his date wrapped up their rental and headed out the door. I soon forgot about this incident in the weeks leading up to the prom. I was too busy keeping tabs on Jake while he was away at college during the week and drinking until I blacked out on the weekends. By the time prom rolled around, Jake's and my friends were ready to party in style. We passed around many bottles of liquor before entering the prom, Slamming shots as quickly as we could. The buzz kicked in as we all lined up for the grand march, And Jake and I strutted down those stairs like we owned the place. Once the flashing cameras and crowds of family and friends left, Prom goers scurried around and took the first steps onto the dance floor. About to cross the floor, I saw Cody walking towards me. Just like old times, The awkward eye darting ensued. Unable to turn around and pretend I wasn't walking in his direction to begin with, I sighed with surrender and smiled at him. You look good tonight, Cody, I said. And since we match so nicely, We should probably take a picture. Bashfully looking down, He replied, Yeah, Thanks. You look nice, Too. I guess we can take a picture. I passed my camera to a nearby friend, And we hesitantly wrapped an arm around one another, Faking a smile for the camera. He could barely stand next to me. I felt like an explosion went off between us. I was pulled in and blown away at the same time. As soon as the camera flashed, He stumbled away quickly, Locking eyes one more time. Have fun tonight, Krista, " he said before looking down and walking away. I didn't see much of Cody the rest of the night. I was quickly enthralled with sneaking shots from the flasks hidden in the boys' pockets. Before long, We were drunk and dancing dirty. Our group took off to the after-party within an hour or so, Where the shenanigans continued. I finally had my prom and after party with Jake, And we had the best time together. No drama, No pain, Just fun. Jake and I were back on for good. Again. As the school year ended, Jake surprised me with the sudden uncertainty of his future and a need to know that we would stay together. Jake, If we're meant to be together, We'll be together. It'll just work out. Don't worry about it, I assured him. For the first time, I felt relaxed, Finally no longer clinging to a need to control or confirm our relationship. Jay came home for the summer, And we returned to our old routines like they had never stopped. I felt a new confidence in our relationship, Some sort of comfort that released my fears for our future. I wasn't attracted to anyone else, And finally didn't feel the need to pry for others' attention out of jealousy. Well, Until we collided with my old world one night at a party. I couldn't believe I had avoided this situation until now for all the reckless parties and people that came between Jake and me. At this particular party, Who did we run into? By that time, Cody had well established a bad boy reputation of his own, Partying, Doing drugs, Skipping school, And dropping out of all the sports he was so naturally talented at. As our cliques and interests grew distant, Cody and I stopped crossing paths over the years, Or perhaps my tunnel vision on Jake just blinded me from noticing him anymore. From time to time, I would hear about Cody's latest run-in with the school principal or local police, Always concluding that I had picked the right guy in staying with Jake and his squeaky clean reputation. So now, At the summer party, I found myself walking next to Jake and approaching a circle of people, Including Cody. I was stung with an old and familiar feeling upon entering that circle. This time, I immediately dismissed it as awkward tension between Cody and me, Just like our awkward run-in at prom a few months earlier. As we stood in that small circle in the evening darkness, I was tuned into the unspoken tension sprinkled with the pinch of mutual respect. Between Cody and Jake. However, Cody had had the same girlfriend just about as long as Jake and I had been dating, So I also sensed relieving ease as we broke the ice and got to chatting. Of course, We played it off in good fun, And plus, Cody had a joint for us to smoke. Though the moment itself was fleeting, I'll never forget the feeling of two worlds colliding inside me. On the outside, I played it off carelessly in front of Cody, Even hugging and hanging on Jake, As if to show him off as a fancy, Better-than-you ornament. We passed the joint around the circle, Got high and giggly, And carried on our merry ways to enjoy the rest of the party. I quickly dismissed the coincidental crossing until another chance meeting took me by surprise a few weeks later. This time, I didn't cross paths with Cody, Nor did Jake. Yet our webs of relationships were entangled again. Imagine this. There was yet another party that I couldn't get to. Our relationship felt stable for the first time, And I thought nothing of Jake drinking with his friends. That is, Until he confessed a few days later. Wanted to openly admit that he had fooled around with another girl before I heard it from someone else. Initially repulsed that he did it again, My anger dissolved as he dished out the details. For another first, I was delighted to hear who it was. Cody's girlfriend. I literally laughed out loud. I knew I didn't have to get revenge on Jake this time. Cody's tough guy rage would kill him for me. Perhaps I felt a sense of comfort knowing that I shared the role of the betrayed with Cody. For a moment, I contemplated contacting Cody to discuss our shared betrayal, But I didn't. Something told me I didn't need to. I felt enough of a connection to Cody through the situation anyway. We didn't need to say words to communicate it. So I let it go, Laughed it off, And continued enjoying the summer, Keeping Jake by my side.