The Daisy Diaries: Chapter Two

This is the second chapter of my personal memoir, The Daisy Diaries: A true story of one woman's unusual journey through tragedy, transformation, and triumph.
Chapter Two, September 2002: The Blond Boy Returns
Written (and spoken) with raw and relatable truth, The Daisy Diaries is an authentically messy road map from darkness to light, navigating through heartbreak and loss, spiritual awakening, and the discovery of radical self-love and fulfillment.

Transcript

Chapter 2 September 2002. The blonde boy returns. Just before my eighth grade year, My family was eating dinner together on one very ordinary night. The usual, How was your day, Made its way around the table between my mom, Dad, Sister, And me. I tuned in and out of the conversation until I stood up to clear my plate. Then my mom asked, Did you know that you'll have a new classmate this year? Who? I asked. My mom replied, I work with this family. Since birth, I've been his little sister's physical therapist, And now she's six. His name is Cody Southwell. My heart skipped a beat. That same electric current from Camp Superior rushed through my entire body. He's moving here? I asked myself in shock. I can't believe it. I wonder if he still has that older girlfriend. Snapping back to reality, I acted like I didn't care, Although my heart and mind raced with wonder. On the first day of school, I was already filled with the annual first day butterflies. This year, My butterflies turned into giant flapping birds each time Cody came to mind. Thrilled to see my friends upon entering the building, I walked with them up all three flights of stairs, Around the corner, And down the hallway towards my new locker. Suddenly, An intense rush of chills struck through my body. A familiar electric energy made my hair stand on end. I looked up and further down the hallway, Immediately locking eyes with the blonde boy. It was Cody. He quickly looked away. So did I. But shoot, We were walking towards each other. What do I do? I panicked. Most of my friends don't know that I know him. They have no idea that he was my boyfriend. How awkward. As we walked closer, Our eyes dotted all over the hallway and back like ping pong balls. Both blushing and locking eyes for the 500th time within 15 seconds, Cody and I smiled bashfully and turned to our lockers. That were right across the hall from each other. I continued to play it cool as I fumbled with my locks. But good lord, I couldn't hide my awkwardness to save my life. What the heck is my combination again? My mind went blank as I tried my hardest to grow eyes in the back of my head and see what the blonde boy was doing behind me. Does he feel what I feel? After about six failed attempts, My lock finally popped free, And I swung my locker door open, Slamming it on the next locker. Get it together, Krista! Way to be cool about it! I scrambled to gather my books for my first class, Half hoping I was grabbing the right books, As my entire day's schedule blanked out of my mind. I slammed my locker shut, Pretending to carry on with my friends, But I looked back at Cody to shoot him a shy smile as I walked away. Alright, Way to be mysterious. A buzzy crowd of eighth graders shuffled into my first classroom. As the dust of commotion settled, In walked Cody. My heart fluttered. Play it cool, Krista. Play it cool. Yeah, We know I was great at that. The teacher immediately assigned us seats in alphabetical order. So wouldn't you know that fate aligned our last names and the number of desks in the room to seat Cody in the next row just behind me. Can he see that I'm sweating? I was so nervous, But really I was so excited. I now knew I'd get to see him in class every day. Then fate continued to have its way with me. Throughout the day, The same scenario kept repeating in each new class. Cody was nearly the last person to walk in the room before being assigned to a seat near me. I couldn't pretend to be cool and not notice him for long. That same energy was so strong, I felt like everyone in the room could physically see it. By the third common class period, We finally rebroke the ice, Chit-chatting about how our summers went and why he moved to Ironwood. I wonder if he still has that girlfriend I couldn't help but wonder. Though acting cool on the outside, I was totally heating up on the inside. Since Cody was the new kid, I took the opportunity to introduce him to all my friends in the preppy, Popular crowd. Now, Imagine what our crowd was like. We all got good grades, Played all the sports, Participated in extracurricular activities, And made up all the student council members. Cody sure looked the part with this tall and fit physique, Thick blonde hair, And piercing blue eyes. And most of my crew immediately welcomed him into the group. As the school days moved on, The magnetism between Cody and me continued to intensify. I quickly found myself crushing on him all over again. I tried to hide it around my friends, But I secretly developed my blonde boy radar. I looked for him in the hallways and anxiously anticipated seeing him in our classes together. I became excited to go to school every day just to be near him and feed off the energy between us. Nearly every Friday night, My friends would all go to the movies and walk to the bowling alley or someone's house afterward. Many times, It was my house. Cody started joining us as he and I unofficially became a couple again. After he came to our house a few times and it became evident that we liked each other, My mom spoke up. I don't want to mix my work life with home life, She said. I do weekly home visits with his sister. I don't want him in my house anymore and I don't want you dating him either. You have no idea what his home life is like and I don't want you mixed up with that. I was devastated by her command, But my stubborn nature refused to let her control who I spent my time with. It wasn't my problem who she worked with. Plus, I had been upsetting my mom with my strong will since I could walk and talk. So what did I have to lose? Since I can remember, I never felt very close to my mom. Even so, As a child, My world revolved around mom and dad. I instinctively believed that they were the most intelligent and amazing people in the world. They both had answers to my every question, Spoke in confidence, And knew what to do when my sister and I were hurt or in trouble. I had no doubt that mom and dad knew everything, And everything they said was right. My calm and quiet father was always kind and easygoing. I can't remember him ever yelling at me as a child, Not even out of anger or frustration. My mom, On the other hand, I seem to have a knack for pushing her buttons. Especially since my dad was so thoughtful with his words, It never occurred to me that my mom might say words she didn't mean. Everything she said was the truth, Right? Including the first time she called me a selfish little brat. Of all people on earth, I thought that no one knew me better than my own mom. Not even my dad, Since he was always so busy running his electrical business. So if she said I was a selfish little brat, It must be true. Maybe dad was just being too nice to me. He must not know me as well. I must be a bad person who needed to be punished. I must admit that I've always been stubborn. I guess little strong-willed Krista needed more explanation of why she should obey. And that when you upset someone, They're going to react out of anger. And that those words and anger aren't necessarily a reflection of who I am, But what I did. I guess my mom didn't have time for that. Instead, I just remember being told I was a selfish little brat and feeling misunderstood. My mom always seemed to think I was too wild and out of control. Was I really that bad? By age 14, The bull in me had grown stubborn and rebellious. I was already tired of being corrected and controlled. When someone told me I couldn't do something, I reacted oppositely. So naturally, My mom telling me not to see Cody just made me want to see him more. To hide that I was seen, Cody, I stopped inviting my friends over to my house. However, There weren't many places in our small town for tweens to hang out, Besides the movie theater or the bowling alley. I wanted to hang out at someone's house and hope for the chance to sit and snuggle up to him on a couch. However, He lived far out of town. And the welcoming of the preppy crowd was starting to fade. I was just becoming apparent that Cody didn't share a similar background to my preppy friends. Most of us came from relatively stable homes that didn't get in trouble, Yet, And had most of our needs well taken care of. Cody didn't have that and couldn't fake it either. He didn't quite fit in, And we experienced that awkward realization together. We started to make friends with more of the cool rebels, Slackers, And troublemakers in school, And together we attempted to blend somewhere in the middle. Since I wasn't allowed to invite him to my house, I got clever in sneaking around to see Cody. I'll never forget the night that a girlfriend of mine slept over, And we snuck out of the basement window of my parents' house to meet Cody and his friends. In the late evening and wee hours of the morning, All we did was walk around the streets. Really cool and exciting, I know. But what else could a bunch of middle schoolers possibly do at that hour with nowhere to go and no vehicle to get them there? There were about five or six of us having a blast sneaking around in the darkness and stopping in the 24-hour gas station, Since it was the only place open. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, We found simple bliss in walking the streets together, Laughing and telling stories. Though most of the evening consisted of blurry bits of memory, One moment still stands my hair on end. Cody was walking ahead of me, So I quietly snuck up behind him. I wrapped my arms around him, Breathing a soft giggle into his ear before giving his neck a gentle kiss. I could feel and hear him shudder, And the most intense energy surge yet tingled through my body. He stopped walking, Frozen by this overwhelming feeling for a moment, Before turning around to slide his hands around my waist. Cody leaned in closer, Making my heart skip as he kissed me on the lips for the first time. Shock waves tingled up and down my spine. I hope I'm doing this right, I wondered. His lips felt so soft on mine. This time, It felt like the energy field around us was as visible as a neon sign. Ooh, Look at the lovebirds, Called one of his friends from further up the street, As the whole group paused to look and join the gushy rounds of oohs and ahhs. Cody and I pulled away from our innocent kiss, Blushing and giggling like the middle schoolers we were. We continued down the street, Hand in hand. As we passed a little white house nearly hidden behind a vast wildflower garden, Cody suddenly paused and pulled me with him toward it. He bent down and picked a flower. Then turning back to me and holding his hand out, He said, Here, This is for you. I looked in his hand. He was holding a daisy. Déjà vu struck as the image of him handing me a daisy at Camp Superior flashed through my mind. A huge smile spread across my face. Remember Camp Superior, He asked with a smile just as big as mine. Of course I do, I replied. I softly took the daisy daisy from his hand and stuck it behind my ear. How do I look? Like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, He replied. Butterflies stirred in my stomach. He's so sweet, I thought. Does anyone else know he has such a soft side to him? Time stopped as I got lost in his deep blue eyes for a moment, Or maybe minutes. Suddenly, Our friends from down the street yelled, Hey, Are you two lovebirds coming? Our eye lock broke as we turned to our friends, Now nearly two blocks ahead of us. We laughed, Smiling back at each other before continuing down the street. Yes, We're coming, He yelled to them. Then turning back to me, He said softly, But as long as I'm with you, I'm in no hurry to get anywhere. The butterflies in my stomach flapped wildly again. I smiled. Me either, I replied. Still hand in hand and my hair adorned with the precious daisy, We carried on down the street, Floating on cloud nine. From that moment, Cody and I were serious. Especially Cody. Surprisingly serious, Really. Since I couldn't let my mom find out he was my boyfriend and didn't have the heart to tell Cody how my mom felt about him, I gave him my own room phone number. Yes, My separate phone line. My friends, This was the early 2000s, Back when the internet needed a phone line. I somehow lucked out in having a phone jack connected to that line right in my bedroom, Thus granting me private access. Perfect, I thought, Until Cody started calling me calling me, And kept calling, Multiple times, Every single night. I'd never experienced a boy fall so hard for me so quickly. I mean, I knew I was pretty cool, But come on now, We were 14. I began wondering if I enjoyed his dedicated attention or if I was starting to get plain old annoyed by it. Hindsight is always 20-20, Isn't it? Now that I look back, I'm not sure if I was genuinely annoyed by his love for me, Or genuinely brainwashed by my mother's and friend's opinions of him. How could I continue dating Cody without my own family knowing? I couldn't possibly keep that secret very long. Especially not with the number of times my phone rang each night. I find myself wanting to hide him from my friends, Too. They seemed to notice his rough edges as he drifted further away from the preppy group and closer to the bad boys, For lack of better clicky terms. I felt the pressure building in me until I couldn't stand it anymore. Cody kept calling after school, So I started ignoring his calls. Once he tried saying, I love you, I called it quits. Over the phone. We're only 14. We're too young for love, I justified in my mind. Cody is crazy to think he's in love with me. He can't be. And I can't be around him anymore if he thinks he does. I convinced myself, Still under the heavy influence of my mom's orders and peer pressures. It will be much easier if we go with our separate crowds and move on. After crushing his heart, I suddenly dreaded seeing him in the hallways and in all the classes we had together. I could feel him watching me. I could still feel her energy. But I cut myself off from it. I couldn't be with him and convinced myself that he wasn't even attractive to me anymore through my new eyes of social status and judgment. Cody was devastated. He was convinced that we were meant to be, But I wouldn't hear it. So I dismissed him as crazy and avoided him as much as possible. However, Avoiding him altogether was impossible. We still had several classes together, Sitting awfully close to each other. So I went back to playing it cool and putting him in the friend zone. Eventually, The awkwardness faded between us, At least to a tolerable level. Or maybe it just did for me, As I trained myself to dismiss our connection. Cody and I continued to chit-chat politely in classes, Pretending to be friends. Still, We drifted to our separate crowds and carried on as unlikely friends. I don't think I saw Cody at all that summer. By summer's end, I believed the time and distance away would clear the energy between us. But come fall, Entering our freshman year of high school, We were in just about the same boat as the previous year. In any class we had together, Our desks were always nearby. We also had gym class together, Which put me in competition mode, Trying to strut my stuff and secretly impress him. I sensed he was doing the same. As much as I ignored and denied it, The electricity between us was still visible to me. Without a doubt, In a crowded room or hallway, We'd always manage to lock eyes from any distance. I just trained my reflexes to look away faster. My boundaries of the friend zone got stronger too. Although I must admit, I enjoyed knowing that he still had a crush on me. I loved the attention. But we both knew it wouldn't happen, And he politely gave up and moved on, Settling into a new relationship that would last for the next few years.