In The Absence Of Should

There's a peacefulness that's created when we let go of the need to think things "should be" other than they are. When we accept what's happening in the moment, we are present with the circumstances. It makes us feel okay.

Transcript

Hi,

It's Brooks and it's good to be here with you.

Today we're gonna talk about in the absence of should,

What will your life be like in the absence of should?

And by should I mean when we think this is what I should do.

I should be doing this or I shouldn't be doing this.

It's basically saying that whatever it is that I'm doing or did,

It's not right.

I could have or I should have done this other thing or I could have or should be doing this other thing and it's hard to live that way.

It's hard to live with the weight and that restriction of should.

Our lives become very difficult when we try to do that.

So that's why I like talking about what would life be like in the absence of should.

Without that feeling,

Without thinking that like here I am this is what's actually happening.

I may like it or may not like what's going on but this is what is.

This is actually what's occurring.

And there's actually something quite wonderful in that because the whole reason should shows up is because there's this feeling of whatever is happening I don't like it and something else should be happening rather than this thing that I don't like.

But the problem with that is it doesn't help.

It doesn't give us relief.

It doesn't make us feel better.

It's like adding insult to injury you know.

So the should actually ends up making things feel worse.

What's happening,

What's happening,

I don't like what's happening and it should be otherwise.

So I don't like what's happening is uncomfortable.

There's pain involved but the should on top of that is like the pain multiplied.

It creates panic and creates a great difficulty and restriction and reduces us.

It reduces our capacities at a time when we need our capacities.

If we're in pain we need to have our wits about us.

And the way we get our wits about us is in the absence of should.

Without the should here's what's happening.

There's actually a relief in the pain and the difficulty of the moment when basically we accept what's happening.

It's not that we approve of it we accept it.

My back hurts or somebody hurt my feelings or something that I wanted to happen didn't happen in something that I didn't want to happen took its place.

Whatever it is that doesn't feel good,

That acceptance of this is what's happening reduces the pain.

I don't like this but it's occurring.

If there's something I could do about it I would.

But it's what happened.

Sometimes with the should there's a feeling of judgment.

I shouldn't have done this.

It's a judgment you know.

Judgments happen but when they're happening and we become attached to them and we hold on to them and the should gets intensified then we suffer.

And the truth is whatever we do in the moment is what we did.

It's what happened.

We could judge it and say it should have been otherwise or you know in retrospect think what you did or what I did whatever we did I could have done something different but it's what happened.

It's kind to think that way this is what happened.

It's unkind to think this is I should have done this or they should have done that or I should be doing this and I'm not.

That's unkind.

It's like using a whip you know.

And kindness is a gentle solution.

Kindness makes a difference.

The absence of should is kindness.

Oh well this happened.

Oh well this is happening.

In a sense so what this happened.

And I like to talk about this way as the absence of should as opposed to saying you shouldn't think of should.

It's the absence of should.

It falls away in the midst of thinking that thought I should be doing this or they should be doing that or anything along those lines with that recognition of the uncomfortableness of that creates an alert in us.

You know we're talking about it like this matter-of-factly creates an alert in us when we start thinking of should and and that might allow us to drop it in a moment to have the absence of should to have the peace of mind that comes with that and we might feel some resistance oh no no I like feeling should you know because it can get to be a habit to think things should be other than they are that this isn't right they shouldn't have done that like you can get it into a habit of that and and so when you go against the habit when you start to let go of a habit it can seem oh no that doesn't feel right but that's the initial turnaround you know when you turn around a behavior you can feel the momentum of it initially you know the behavior that doesn't feel good and you recognize oh there's the momentum there okay well that'll die down and maybe the should drops off just falls away like it was never there and you still have the pain or the discomfort but it's so much more easy to deal with that or to be with it or take care of yourself in that moment in the absence of should something very kind and that in a matter-of-factness of it and again kindness is a wonderful way to live a life gentleness it's basically an acceptance of yourself in the moment wouldn't it be wonderful to say this is how I am this is what's happening maybe I don't like it but that's what's happening and then you can be with yourself at that moment and it actually allows you to be closer to other people you know in the absence of should make it allows you to be closer to others because when we start saying if we say to someone you shouldn't have done that or you shouldn't do that we create a wall between ourselves and that other person we might be upset at something somebody did and to say that we're upset at somebody's is different than saying they shouldn't have done something they shouldn't do it if we say I don't it doesn't feel good that you're doing whatever it is I don't like that you did that doesn't create a wall between you and that other person it's communication and there's connection in that may be difficult but there's connection and you really honor others in the absence of should because you're you're seeing them as they are you life's a lot easier when we're kind to ourselves and to others when we treat ourselves kindly so I encourage you to think about this what life would be like in the absence of should and I wish you the best take care

Reviews

A minor word that makes a big difference in perspective. Thank you for the insights and will practicing.

Simple and effective