Do You Want To Be Right Or Be Well?

In this Feb 19, 2025, Wisdom Wednesday live event, I talk about perhaps an overly simplistic framing of fighting to be right and fighting to be understood vs. just being well. It speaks to the dangers of clinging to ideas and how when this tendency is released there may be some unpleasantness temporarily, but it more likely leads to more well-being.

Transcript

Holiness, Welcome to Wisdom Wednesday. These are your regular Wisdom office hours. I ask unplanned general and specific questions for your wisdom and you ask me. In the meantime, We share openly likely from whatever is currently happening to get at our wisdom. Let's just take a few moments here to take the three breath highway. So wherever you're at now, Relax as much as possible. Close your eyes if that's comfortable. If not, Keep them open and take full three deep, Or not deep breaths, Just three breaths, However you like, And just be present for every single moment of the inhale, The pause, The exhale, The pause after the exhale. So again, Being completely present for three full breaths. And you're welcome to continue being with your breath and meditating. I should probably revise that description because I actually do have a theme in mind most times when I come to these, Although it's rare that I plan it out in detail, Writing notes or anything. So today I actually want to talk about, Do you want to be right and fighting to be understood, Or do you want to be well? So this is one that I learned a while back and then seemingly forgot about or kind of could have done better room for improvement. And now recently reflecting and practicing on this again. So I know my experience kind of raised in a family and maybe culture and society where some people found value, Including myself and being right, Proving that I was right. And usually it's at the expense of someone else. And you know, When it gets extreme, Do whatever I can to prove my point, To be right. And if that means tearing down the other person to prove I'm right, Then so be it. Because that satisfaction of being right was one of the things they're after. And this notion of kind of distorted principle that there was some kind of high mindedness or righteousness involved with having to defend an idea or position. And yeah, Upon further reflection, Obviously this is not always the most helpful thing to do. And what it comes down to is how it's done, Actually. You know, There's some people that are open to having rigorous, You know, Intellectual debate, Discussions, Things like this, And they're collegial. And they work together towards a common, Maybe mutual understanding, Or they're both in it, Not to win or lose, But to have a helpful outcome, Arrive at helpful endpoints. And that's not necessarily what I'm talking about. That's where it's constructive and helpful when the time's appropriate. I'm talking about is usually this is driven from probably an unskillful, Unwholesome emotion of me having to be right, Defend oneself, Maybe even attack the other. And when you tune into this, When it's getting like this, It's often a feeling, You know, That's unpleasant and a false notion that if I defend what I'm saying and just make the person understand better that I can force an understanding on them, Then, You know, Then this unpleasant feeling will probably go away. But a lot of times I'm not aware of that unpleasant feeling. And so it's an old habitual pattern where I have to prove my point, Make the other person understand exactly what I'm saying, And then it'll go away. But if the alternative to this is just being with the unpleasantness of whatever's going on, And not prioritizing being right and proving points and being understood, You know, Of course, We all want to be understood, You know, It would be great if we could, But I can't force another to know exactly what I'm saying and to interpret what I'm saying in the way that I want and to have whatever I'm saying land in their heart exactly the way I want. You know, I'm responsible for part of that, But I can't control the other person and how they're, And how they're taking what I'm saying 100%. So what do we do? I mean, At a certain point, It's just more important to me for wellness and, And just letting this go to the wayside. A lot of times now I'm talking, I'm not talking about being a limp dishrag here and a doormat. That's not what I'm saying. Although sometimes it can feel like that, Especially when attempting this, You know, When, Um, There's so much habit energy into assertiveness and being right and proving my point and, Um, Really getting it something across. And so when I start to, To consider alternatives to that, Then it might feel like I'm getting walked on, Disrespected, Um, Not, Not honored. Um, That, You know, So this is something it takes practice to be able to let things slide and just be in that unpleasantness of the feeling that's along with it that I'm trying to get rid of by attacking the other person or defending my position. Keep trying to explain, Maybe even say why they're wrong. So letting all that slide, Letting all that, Um, Fall down the priority list to being well. So when I'm not feeding that cycle, Then things can deescalate. And yes, The feeling is unpleasant there at first, But it will quickly subside compared to if I just keep fueling the fire, You know, Now, Of course, I'm not talking about abuse in anything like this, Where we need to speak up and set boundaries and reinforce boundaries. That's not what I'm talking about. That's when it's actually helpful when there's an abusive situation and someone needs to speak up and needs to use some, Maybe some fire energy to defend a boundary and establish a boundary because there's potential abuse coming on, You know, That's, Uh, That's a whole and entirely different thing. So what I just said here doesn't really apply to that so much. So does anybody have any questions? Would they like to share anything about having to be right, Having to be understood a hundred percent the way they want to be understood? And does anybody practice with this, Letting go of doing this and how it can actually be of benefit and wellness and helpful? The other thing I was reflecting on is I've been listening to quite a bit of like Dhamma, Dharma podcasts lately, And I know I've kind of promoted in the past, Kind of a rigorous examination of texts and teachings and, You know, Questioning these to, To get at truth and wisdom and really investigating to see and know these for ourselves and, Um, Being a little bit vague here. And of course there's a, There's a time for that and we have to do investigations, You know, Things for ourselves, But at a certain point, How much is it getting unbalanced towards wisdom and the kind of the faith aspect is, Is waning, You know? Um, So if it gets overly to the wisdom side, It gets cold and it gets too intellectual. So recently trying to balance more of this with faith and approaching things like this, Um, Of course with the wisdom side, But also, You know, What is universal about this? Whatever I'm hearing, Uh, Teachings, Whatever, Uh, Maybe I'm studying, What is universally applicable no matter what cultural context, No matter what time period one finds oneself in, No matter gender differences, Gender confusions, Um, Yeah, Politics, West and East. So what is still applicable no matter what those types of appearances and conditions, And then what is useful and helpful, You know, What makes the heart feel fed and nourished in whatever Dhamma discussions are, Dhamma teachings or, Um, Text analysis, Text studies in our studies and stuff, Instead of going in automatically with a critical eye, Um, And, You know, Trying to tear apart and disassemble and reinterpret what, What, What there already speaks to us and is helpful. So, And is useful. So this needs to be brought in, At least by myself, I think just as much now that I spent kind of more on the other side of the wisdom side, Analyzing and interpreting and maybe being overly critical. And there's, Like I said, There's a time and place for all these things. And we don't want to be just a passive sponge taking everything in unquestioningly. No, Not at all. Um, We need to investigate, But at what point does it get imbalanced where we need to include the heart universality, No matter, It applies no matter what the conditions, Almost timelessness, And what inspires the heart, What makes the heart sing, Come alive, Jump up, Um, Leap up at, And helps and nourishes our practice and our studies and also that of others and for everyone, You know, Especially in the longterm. So, Okay, Well, I appreciate you all joining today and I'm going to leave in this a little bit early, Usually go to 15 minutes, But I think this is pretty much all I have to say, Unless anyone has any comments or questions. All right. Much love to you all. May you be inspired. May all that you encounter be helpful and may you be well.