Rethinking Rejection
The billing for this November 3, 2023 Insight Timer live event “Rethinking Rejection” in the less than ideal recording environment of the windy English countryside: 'Are there any causes and upsides to rejection? What are skillful ways to view, approach, be with, relate to, practice with and respond to rejection? What can rejection teach us? Join this 15 minute or so exploration to learn and even contribute to the wisdom of something we’ve all experienced'
Transcript
So today's event is titled,
Rethinking Rejection.
I'm just going to read the description here real quick.
Are there any causes and upsides to rejection?
What are skillful ways to view,
Approach,
Be with,
Relate to,
Practice with,
And respond to rejection?
What can rejection teach us?
Join this 15-minute or so exploration,
Easy for me to say,
Exploration to learn and even contribute to the wisdom of something we've all experienced.
Okay,
So you know from it's easy in retrospect to look at this and I'm gonna,
Fortunately or unfortunately,
Look at this in the light of kind of relationships and by in particular I mean romantic relationships.
So since I'm engaged now it's a little bit easier for me to look back at this part of my life and of course it'll expand into other things beyond just this.
But first off,
What is rejection?
I mean I think it's pretty clear what we mean by this,
Right?
It's something we want and then it's something we don't get.
So for me,
Rejection,
Well this is a heart thing,
Right?
I mean of course there's plenty of a wisdom to apply to this,
But when it's something we really want and then we reject it,
It really affects the heart.
And what I found the most helpful learning process of this is that I was going after relationships for the wrong reason,
You know,
And also no wonder I was rejected.
And kind of the best relationship advice I ever got was,
If it's meant to happen,
It'll happen.
If it wasn't meant to be,
It won't.
You know,
Just as simple as that.
So what does everybody recall a time and how painful it feels to get rejected,
You know,
To really go after someone you find interesting and then all the different games that are played and just,
You know,
Not having that person pay any attention or interest to you.
And yeah,
It's um,
It's quite something in the heart,
Right?
So much so to the fact that,
I know in my experience,
It prevented me from approaching anyone,
You know,
Because I was so afraid of being rejected by someone,
You know,
Like I had to have acceptance all the time.
If I couldn't get it,
Then why even bother?
Why even bother doing this?
And some of those of us who experience loss,
You know,
A lot of times it's more painful to experience loss again.
So just stay in loss so I don't have to experience loss again.
And the,
Let's see,
Sheila says,
Rejection hurts to our core.
Aaron says,
Compounded by losing loved ones.
Yeah,
It's something else.
So,
So then maybe we develop unhealthy strategies for being rejected,
Right?
Like withdraw,
Give up,
You know,
Um,
Get jaded with the world.
You know,
Everything sucks.
Everybody sucks.
I suck.
You know,
Why bother?
This is a really complicated issue.
I mean,
It's not really simple either.
I mean,
It can lead to some really good things.
Like some people,
They get disillusioned with this romanticism,
Which I don't find all that helpful.
You know,
Uh,
In the relationship I have now,
What I found the most helpful is,
Yes,
There's a romantic lover element of it,
But unfortunately that's all I was looking for in a relationship.
And that's not a relationship.
That's a,
That's going after a lover.
And so there's elements of that in a relationship.
There's also friendship.
And if that core friendship isn't there,
Then,
You know,
It's,
It's built on shaky ground,
But even more important is this partnership.
So when there's a kind of a collaborative effort and doing the same things in life,
Get up and work together towards common goals.
Aaron says,
After losing my most important people to aggressive cancers,
My heart can't handle rejection or opening to the possibility of rejection.
And Aaron,
That's okay.
You know,
It's okay to withdraw at least how I see it when things are really tough.
It's okay not to have to face rejection at all,
You know?
And this leads to the next point is that are we rejecting ourselves?
So that's one thing that we can really,
Really,
Really,
Uh,
Explore because no matter,
You know,
Whether we accept ourselves or not,
We have to be with ourselves more than anyone else does.
Right?
So this is something really to look into,
You know?
And I think the first part of that is honesty,
You know,
Really being honest about how things are with our own relationship with ourselves and knowing that it's okay not to be okay all the time.
And,
You know,
Even just admitting to myself that I hate myself sometimes,
You know,
Or some part of my journey.
And yeah,
So now the sun's coming out and we've got rejection.
We've got dark clouds over here,
But we've got the sun coming out and we've got more clear skies over here.
So that is the good news about this because through polarity,
Right?
Polarity,
Whatever,
However extreme of rejection we feel or we experience with ourselves and with others,
That means the exact opposite of acceptance comes up and will be there.
Now,
I don't know about the timing,
Um,
But eventually it's,
It's going to change.
It has to,
It can't all just be stuck on one side the whole time.
So now,
Um,
After going through years of that,
Um,
Feeling that on the inside,
Now I've got,
Um,
You know,
People contacting me from,
You know,
Humblebrags here,
Right?
And I have to turn away people and,
You know,
But also get in really interesting conversations,
Find real true,
Meaningful friends,
Or at least things to share really heartfelt,
Um,
And just things interested in.
I know for the masculine,
We tend to bond around,
Um,
Topics that we,
You know,
Find in common,
You know,
And for the feminine,
I suppose that,
You know,
The relationships are even more important and,
But also more challenging to,
Um,
Especially with family and friends and all the pressure on the feminine to care for everyone except for themselves,
Basically,
Or they're the last in the line.
So Sheila says,
What feels like protecting myself could be rejecting myself.
You know,
This is another thing where it comes in for discernment,
Right?
I feel because sometimes we do need to shut down and protect ourselves and withdraw and go into self care.
However,
If that becomes a habit all the time and our default in where we lead with,
Then,
You know,
Um,
Or at least for me,
This armoring can come over us and then,
Yeah,
You know,
Vulnerability,
This is the,
Um,
Sometimes it's not pleasant,
But this is what allows us to connect on deeper and deeper levels.
It just takes a discernment to know when is the appropriate time to open up and be more vulnerable and when isn't.
And we meet ourselves where we're at and that's exactly where we start.
You know,
We all start from exactly where we are and there'll be ups and downs as we all know.
So what other challenges have people come into around this perception of rejection?
You know,
What do we find really important in accepting?
How do we accept others?
You know,
Um,
Then it can turn into this game and I've seen this to this victim victimizer programming or this it's known as kind of villain,
Um,
Victim and hero programming,
Right?
So this notion that I'm being victimized by rejection,
But then my time will come when I will reject them.
You know,
This getting back and then this loop of being a victim and then a victimizer.
Um,
So I doubt too many people here are into that program hopefully or,
You know,
But I'm sure we've seen a lot of this,
Uh,
In the world that we interact with.
Not getting a job I really wanted and then seeing another colleague get it says Karen.
Yes,
I've been out of the corporate workforce for quite some time now and I mean,
Just real briefly here,
Um,
I had a real big chip on my shoulder.
You know,
I,
The things I were doing in my job,
I could see where I wasn't cut out to climb the corporate ladder.
You know,
Nothing that there's wrong with that.
And I mean,
There's a great deal of success in that,
But I knew that wasn't going to make me happy ultimately.
But then I got real bitter about it and I was like,
Oh,
I should be doing something better than the position I have.
Um,
But which is,
It's just okay because that can help us better ourselves.
Right.
But it was my behavior and how I acted out around this.
So,
Um,
Instead of doing another healthy outlet,
This is before I got into all this meditation stuff and path of awakening,
You know,
But I can see that in retrospect,
But to more specifically to Karen's point,
You know,
Um,
Well,
Karen,
Um,
Yeah,
I think,
I think it's just,
I can still let Karen express that.
I don't,
I don't really need to,
To add anything to that.
You know,
It feels bad enough the way it is.
Right.
Let's see.
Aaron says,
Having the last two people I've been interested in having beautiful younger women and having babies with them and starting a favor,
A family,
I'm sorry,
Is very painful.
I'm so,
Uh,
I think somehow my,
I think somehow my self rejection is involved.
Let me read that one more time.
Having the last two people I've been interested,
Have beautiful younger women and having babies with them and starting a family is very painful.
I think somehow my,
My self rejection is involved.
Well,
Aaron,
I don't know.
Um,
But this is funny.
You mentioned this cause my fiance was just mentioning this the other day,
How,
You know,
Um,
Some,
Some men go through relationships with a really rocky relationships with women.
And what they do is that the women are way more astute on emotional things.
And they really train the guy and all the crap they're doing basically,
You know,
And then he ends up benefiting from that,
Leaving the,
Um,
The gal he's with that taught him all that stuff.
And then he goes on to younger women and then starts a family with them and having employed the lessons he learned,
But without giving other credit to,
To,
To the past partner,
You know,
And once she pointed that out to me,
I was like,
Wow,
Yeah,
That's a dudes.
Come on,
You know,
Get,
Get your stuff together.
That's not cool.
You know?
Um,
Yeah.
So just if that's any consolation,
I don't know,
But you know,
This,
This notion for the feminine,
I find of worthiness,
Worthiness and value.
Um,
It's a big one,
Just like guys,
A big one is honor and respect.
You know,
That's what a lot of guys are after as far as I see.
So self-rejection,
But even if self-rejection is involved,
Involved,
How much more will one reject themselves for self-rejection?
You know,
How much can you just keep piling on top of it?
And this goes into forgiveness.
However,
Forgiveness can't be forced.
You know,
It has to be authentic.
It'll happen when it's ready to happen.
But for me,
When I learned I can forgive myself,
You know,
And just aspire,
Uh,
Sort of an aspiration that I'm worthy of,
Uh,
The best partners out there,
You know.
Um,
And I think one of the other things I heard is we'll be with,
We'll be with one another until we need to learn lessons.
We need to learn from them until we find the one we're meant to be with.
Right.
So through that experience,
You've learned all kinds of things.
And I'm not in a position to give relationship advice here.
Uh,
But that's what I found too,
You know,
That the,
The ones I were chasing before this one,
I learned so much and I wasn't ready for the one yet.
And so it's,
It's like a training.
It's one perception,
You know,
If that's helpful,
Use that.
If not,
Please chime in here,
Folks.
Um,
Karen says,
Yes,
I'm trying not to act out what drew me to this talk today.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah,
Karen.
So I hope this will find some solace in some of those joining here.
The same,
Yes,
Because acting out,
We know,
We know where that leads to,
Right?
It doesn't lead to anything good.
The nice thing is we can work with the body to feel this in the body.
And it's a container where it dissipates and can,
Um,
You know,
Diffuse and really open our heart,
You know,
And use it to,
To,
To open our heart and use it for self-care.
Um,
It's a story that,
Uh,
Doesn't make sense.
I should have wrote that more clearly.
Exactly.
Your fiancee.
Oh yes.
Sounds very wise.
Oh,
Indeed.
She is very wise.
Yeah.
There's some talks on Insight Timer with her.
Aaron,
That reminds me about my situation with the job comparison and jealousy.
Oh yes.
So comparison is another thing.
I mean,
If we're going to compare ourselves,
Uh,
Compare anything,
It's ourselves to ourselves,
Right?
Because if I think I'm better than someone that's conceit,
I mean,
That's obvious,
But if I think I'm less than someone that's actually conceit too.
Little me,
You know,
Inferior ego,
The most subtle kind is I'm just as good as that one.
You know,
I'm just as good as them.
That's a subtle form of kind of equality conceit.
So yes,
We're all equal in that we deserve love and care and kindness.
Um,
But when I think I'm just as good as someone for some reason,
That's still conceited.
Okay.
We're all on our own path and things happen for a reason.
Karen says,
Cause and effect,
Right?
Skillful actions,
Wise actions will have,
Uh,
Their corresponding consequences.
Look for the other doors or what you're meant for.
Yes,
Exactly.
So when one door closed and that's,
It sounds so cliche,
But when one door closes,
Another one does open,
You know,
And I've seen it in my experience anyway.
Um,
Just remember that polarity,
No matter how gloomy it gets,
There's just that much opened up for how bright it will be.
So eventually we can stay in the still point in the midpoint and then see both sides and kind of act and come from the heart and wisdom.
All right guys,
Well,
It's already past time.
Thanks so much for joining me today from the beautiful,
This beautiful English countryside.
