A Talk On The Art Of Receiving

This talk explores the art of receiving - whether that's something from the universe, nature, others or our own wisest inner self. Looking at what can get in the way, and how we can develop the art of receiving generously, using the 3 As of acknowledging, allowing and accepting. Originally recorded during the December holiday season, a time when many - though by no means all - of us, come together to give and receive. We all recognise there can be complexity in times of festivity. But sometimes it can be useful to break down a single aspect of what’s entangled within the complexity and see how we can shine the light of awareness to help create a shift.

Transcript

This talk was originally recorded at Christmas time,

A time when many,

Though by no means all of course,

Of us come together to give and receive.

And we all recognise there can be complexity in these kinds of festivities.

But sometimes it can be useful to break down a single aspect of what's entangled within the complexity and see how we can shine the light of awareness to help create a shift,

Maybe.

Today we're exploring the art of receiving.

Depending on your nature and nurture,

Giving can sometimes feel easier than receiving.

Though perhaps like receiving,

It can also carry some less comfortable associations.

The classic stories of mothers hovering by the festive table,

Making sure others have the best of what's on offer,

Only taking little for themselves.

Perhaps teaching their children,

Subconsciously and as an expression of love,

That it's their job to give rather than receive.

There are also stories of family members rejecting gifts or saying it's not quite what they wanted or asking for the receipt to make it right.

Of course,

No one wants to simply stockpile stuff that never gets used,

But there are ways and ways of doing things,

Some that feel easier for the giver than others.

There are definitely echoes of both from my childhood,

From stories I've heard from friends,

From colleagues,

From clients.

And of course there are many of us for whom stories of Christmas are the stuff of folklore,

Where this time of year has never held the magic we're told it should hold.

And even if we have a holly-berry tinted view of this time of year,

There's generally something that we recognise can be a little tricky in amongst it all.

In short,

It's complicated.

And there are many wiser than me who speak about these things with grace and insight.

So rather than this episode being about Christmas per se,

Today I'd like to focus our attention on what it means to receive.

As I meandered through these thoughts,

I came to see that maybe there are three stages we go through when we truly receive.

Let's call them the three A's.

Acknowledging,

Allowing,

Accepting.

And of course this is not a conversation about narcissism or psychopathy or psychopathy,

However you might want to say that word.

It's not about selfishness or self-centeredness or self-centered mess,

As my auto-correct put it.

This is an exploration of seeing what it is that's being offered to us by the universe,

By nature,

By another human being,

By our deepest,

Wisest self.

It's about acknowledging it,

Allowing it,

Accepting it,

Receiving it generously.

So before heading into exploring these three A's,

There can be many barriers we put up to receiving.

And my instinct tells me that even if we think we're good at receiving,

There may be times when that's not so true.

And I'm literally and figuratively holding my hand up to that myself.

So here are five things that I see can get in the way.

They may resonate with you,

And this is by no means an exhaustive list.

So firstly,

Perhaps assumptions or expectations might blur our vision,

Making us subconsciously imagine and believe we desire something other than what is.

And so we overtly or covertly reject what's being offered.

Secondly,

We might be so conditioned to only give that receiving feels alien,

Uncomfortable,

Unwholesome,

Even.

Something perhaps to feel ashamed of as we selfishly receive.

There are huge inverted commas,

By the way,

Around that word selfishly,

Of course.

Thirdly,

We may not feel worthy in some way,

Perhaps holding a story of not being as good as others or as good as the ideal or the standards we might have internally crafted for ourselves.

Though,

Of course,

We may not hold anyone else to that same standard.

The fourth one that came to me is that the ego may be quietly at play.

So we might say others need to receive more than we do,

That we don't need the support,

Kindness or the generosity of others.

I say the ego,

Because when we consistently sublimate our own needs,

It's a way of placing ourselves above others in a convoluted way.

Essentially,

We're saying we're better at coping than they are.

We aren't so needy.

So we take less,

Maybe to the point of taking nothing at all.

And lastly,

On this shortlist,

Of course,

Giving feels so good.

Research shows us it builds self-esteem and a sense of satisfaction with life.

And so we jealously hoard that feeling to ourselves.

I realise that might sound a little harsh,

But it can sometimes feel that way when we are so good at giving to others,

But don't allow them the same sense of joy and satisfaction by giving to us.

So do you recognise yourself in any of these?

Or as you scan through your internal Rolodex of people you know,

Who do you recognise might occasionally or often display some of those traits?

And if you don't know what a Rolodex is,

I think a modern version would be your WhatsApp contacts,

But it's definitely not as funky or as 70s a concept.

So all of this,

All of these things that can get in the way of receiving,

They could be underpinned by a social,

Cultural or familial belief that it is better to give than to receive.

A message that's been infused into many people's core,

Regardless of their sort of cultural influences.

So where does this take us,

This observation that receiving can be hard,

Stuff can get in the way,

And it can feel challenging at times.

As I explored what others had shared about this idea,

I came across a beautiful reflection from a writer called Karen Mead.

And she wrote,

I realise for me,

Receiving involves vulnerability.

When I give,

I feel in charge.

When I receive,

I feel less.

I'm going to share that again,

Because I think there's something really beautiful about that.

She writes,

I realise for me,

Receiving involves vulnerability.

When I give,

I feel in charge.

When I receive,

I feel less.

I adore this reflection.

It ties back to my point about the ego,

That to receive,

We need to lower an internal barrier and allow someone else's generosity or kindness or comfort or love to come through.

And when I say someone else,

That could also be the universe or a spiritual someone.

So this brings us back to the three A's of receiving.

And the first one being acknowledging.

Now,

These are early thoughts,

And I've pondered the order of these three stages.

But my sense is that before we receive anything,

We need to acknowledge its existence.

So similar to the RAIN acronym,

Made so beautifully accessible by teachers like Tara Brack,

This idea of acknowledging is like the R,

The recognition stage of RAIN.

And my reflection on this stage of acknowledging is that when we acknowledge something,

We help bring it into existence.

So to use the dictionary definitions,

We see that acknowledging means to accept or admit the existence or truth of something.

And we also see it means to recognise the importance or quality of something.

And I love the idea of recognising the quality of the thing we're being offered,

Not in financial or material terms,

But in its essence.

As Portia says in The Merchant of Venice,

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed.

It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

This reciprocity that she talks of seems to resonate really loudly here too.

And once we have acknowledged the thing,

The gift,

The gesture,

The affection,

The lesson,

We are being offered.

What then?

Well,

Then we come to allowing.

We allow the safe passage of this thing we are being offered.

We open up into that place of vulnerability that Karen Mead speaks of.

We take down our barriers or lower the drawbridge to let it pass through.

This feels so profound to me,

This stage of receiving.

It is so much more than a swift thank you and then moving on.

It is a willingness to truly receive what we are truly grateful for.

It's also allowing the other person,

The giver,

To see that we are ready to receive,

Perhaps informing them of the importance we place on their offering.

And yet,

Really importantly,

Not filling it with expectations,

Assumptions,

Preconceptions,

And therefore doubt.

Because while we have all of those things,

Doubt always lurks in the background,

Wondering if our expectations,

Assumptions,

Preconceptions will be fulfilled.

So instead,

It's about an openness to what is.

The simplicity of that.

And that brings us to accepting.

Accepting the thing exactly as it is,

Without judgment.

So flashback through the moments in your life when something was offered up to you.

Were there ever times where judgment,

Belief,

Stories got in the way of receiving it just as it was?

When I do that,

When I look back in that way,

I can see so many examples.

And one particularly painful memory is of my mother spending a weekend redecorating my bedroom,

Using all the things I'd said I wanted,

Doing it exactly the way I said I wanted it to be.

But when I came home at the end of the weekend and I saw it,

I was upset I hadn't been there.

My hidden expectation was that I would do it my own way.

And my adolescent self could only say it wasn't what I wanted after all.

Ouch.

This,

Of course,

On the surface,

Was about redecorating a teenager's bedroom.

But scratch just a tiny bit deeper and we see it is about love.

As with all stories,

There are many layers.

But with my adult self fully here,

I see with such compassion that had I understood how to receive by flowing through these phases of acknowledging,

Allowing and accepting,

That story could have unfurled very differently.

And of course,

This isn't some morality tale of learning to be grateful,

Whatever it is we receive.

That smacks way too much of old family stories,

Learnt at the knees of caregivers,

Desperate to ensure that we are loved and accepted by others as we grow.

And so they teach us that we must always be grateful,

Whatever it is.

No,

No,

This is about mindfully being aware of how we receive,

What may support us more fully in deepening our awareness of that.

And also understanding how incredibly life affirming it can be when we open ourselves up to receiving,

Whether that's someone's love,

Someone's attention,

Someone's gift,

Or someone's offer of support.

And I say someone,

It doesn't need to be human form.

Boundaries are vital,

Of course.

They keep us clear about what we allow in,

And what we keep at a healthy distance.

But barriers are different.

And going back to episode five of this season,

They can be what keep us stuck.

They stop anything getting through,

And that may not be what most serves us.

So noticing how it is when someone receives something generously,

Whether it's from the universe,

From nature,

Another human being,

Or our deepest,

Wisest self,

Can be a really wonderful thing.

And reciprocity,

The act of giving and receiving as a mutual exchange is really powerful stuff any time of year.

And maybe the most generous gift we can give is to learn how to receive generously ourselves.

I'm wishing you all that is well in the world,

Whatever festivities you celebrate,

Whoever you are with,

Wherever you are in the world,

And whatever time of year it is that you listen to this.

This isn't a message that's just for Christmas.

I think this is a universal message,

And something that so many of us may be able to take something from.

Thank you as ever for being here,

For listening,

And I send you a hug and a wave.

Reviews

Funny enough – it’s Christmastime right now!
Thank you for this talk. It was amazing and very informative. I didn’t realize how simple it would be if you just accept a gift of any kind with gratitude and love. It isn’t necessarily easy, but this year I am not going to try so hard and instead simply enjoy it! 😁