Patterns Of Behavior - L,L,&L W/ Glenn Ambrose

In this episode I discuss patterns. How can patterns hurt us and how can they help us? How can we identify unconscious ones and how can we create conscious ones? All this and more!

Released on Monday, June 15th.

Transcript

Welcome to Life, Lessons & Laughter with your host, Glenn Ambrose. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the show, My friends. Here we are. We're going to talk about patterns, Patterns of behavior, Good, Bad. How to control them, How they control you. And everything in between. How's that? Um. . . Yeah, Patterns are very important one for picking up on your behaviors and two for changing them and like early on. And my journey. They were very important. It was one of the first things that I really latched on to. And started using to design the life that I wanted to have. In both directions in creating the life through setting some patterns and also disrupting the dysfunctional patterns as well. You know me, I like to tell a story or two. When I first got, When I was first getting sober, My sponsor was very militant, We'll say. Is a big book thumper, You know, So. So he was and I needed that I needed somebody very strict, Which is ironic, Because I generally I don't do well with that. And I never did before my entire life, I resisted it. And pretty much ever since I've resisted it, But I needed it at that time. So there was something in me that allowed it to transpire and benefit from it. So. I was taught that, You know, You go through the 12 steps. That's the program of recovery. And this was my introduction to patterns. And you take step one, Then step two, You don't jump ahead and make your amends to clear your conscience, Which is like step nine or eight. Step nine, I believe. So, You know, You don't, You don't jump around there in order for a reason. So, So one day my sponsor gave me this, This sheet and it had a bunch of questions on it. And he said, Fill this out every night. At the end of your day. And I noticed at the top it said, I think it said step 10 and 11 worksheet. Or maybe one of those, Whatever. So I said to him, I says, But, But like, You've been telling me to take the steps in order. So. I don't know where I was at the time, Maybe step one, Two, Three, Somewhere around there. I said, So why are you having me fill out a 10th and 11th step worksheet? And he looks at me and he says, Well, He says, Is Is your life messed up enough now? And I was like, Yeah. He goes, Okay, Would you like to mess it up more? And I said, No. And he goes, Okay, Well, This is going to help you stop messing it up. And I was like, Oh, He says, So you can wait if you want, If you want to continue messing up your life. You can wait or you can start filling out the paper now. And I was like, Okay, Well, I guess I'll start filling it out now. These were the types of conversations we had. So I did. And what I noticed was, You know, It was like, I don't know, 10, 12 questions. And once I got into the routine of it, I could rip through pretty quickly. I mean, I could rip through probably five minutes. But even when I did it fairly quickly like that, I did, I filled out that worksheet and I, And I created an online one. And I started storing them into my computer by day. And I think I filled that thing out for at least three years, Almost every single night. And it was highly beneficial. And one, What I would see is like, Even if I went through it quick and I'd be like, Oh, Did, Um. You know, Did you harbor any resentments today or didn't, You know, Um, Was there something you could have done better? Or I forgot what the questions were, But you know, Things like that. And I'm going through them. And then sometimes I'd be like, I'd answer it a little too quickly. And then all of a sudden my mind would be like, Well, Wait a minute, You actually did. There was a problem there. And I was like, Oh yeah. And I go just jot it down and I just ripped through it. And then, You know, Sometimes I would go back through like a week or two and kind of see if there was any patterns, Which of course was helpful. But sometimes I didn't even need to do that. Like, Like, Let's say, You know, This was at the beginning of my family court journey and all this stuff, You know, This was 22 years ago. Sometimes I would like if I had a resentment towards my ex-wife, I would work through it with my sponsor and stuff like this, Get a healthy way of, Of wrapping my brain around it and then go. And then of course, You know, We might. Have a phone call or, Or something might've happened with my ex. And it wasn't that big of a deal where it really captured my attention, But I did harbor a resentment towards it. And I didn't even really know that I had, And it would be interesting because I'd be like, You know, I'd be filling out this sheet and all of a sudden one of the questions, You know, I don't, I don't remember what it was. Does, Has anything been bothering you today or something? Like, If if she popped into my head in a negative way, I would just or anybody else, I would just jot it down real quick. And what I noticed is sometimes I would be jotting her name down in like one week for like the third time or something. And all of a sudden it would dawn on me. I'd be like, Wait a minute, Didn't I jot her name down yesterday or the day before? Or the day before that or something like. Is she popping into my head in a negative way? Like, What's that about? And I'd go back and I'd look and I'd be like, Yeah, Sure enough, You know, I jotted her name down three times in the last five days or six days. It's like, Oh, Okay, Something's there, Right? So I was able to identify, Go in and find something that was bothering me that I didn't even really know consciously it was bothering me. Because I was just ripping through this, Not putting a lot of thought into it, Just, Hey, Did anything bother me? No, Yep, No, Yep, And answering all these questions. And that's when I started picking up patterns. It was good because it prevented me from harboring resentments. One of the things that we do in life in general, Most people do, Is we stuff resentments, We stuff emotions, We stuff things that are bothering us. And we do it for lots of reasons. One, Because we don't want to face them. We're good at distracting ourselves. They're not fun to look at. We tell ourselves that they're no big deal and just push them aside. We tell ourselves when we look at it, If it's bothering us emotionally, We'll look at it and say, Should this be bothering me intellectually? And we'll go, Well, No, It's just silly. It shouldn't be bothering me. So we'll just dismiss it. And it's like, It doesn't matter if it makes sense intellectually. It matters if it's triggering something emotionally. Because usually what happens is things that trigger us emotionally. The reason they're triggering us is they're triggering us from a belief system we set in place when we were a child. When we were a child, We didn't have all the intellectual understandings of the world in which we live. So a lot of them sound silly when we bring them up into our consciousness. We look at it and we go, No, It can't be that. That can't be bothering me. That's silly. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous It's like, Yeah, But it is. Don't. Don't push something away or stuff it back down because you think something shouldn't be bothering you. If it's bothering you, There's something you need to look at, Period. So. So this was when I first started. Finding patterns and using them to adjust my behavior, Using them to treat. Resentments that I was stuffing that I didn't even know I was stuffing and to pick up on them and heighten my awareness around them. So, You know, That was my I think that was my first. Interaction with patterns and using it in a beneficial way. And then, You know, This was I started that when I was still in Florida. So, You know, When I was like around nine months sober or something, I moved up to Rhode Island to be with my son and got a job and started, You know, Navigating that whole life. And I remember I don't know if this was technically the next time or not, But the next time I remember noticing patterns was when I when I was at my job for a year. So one day I'm at work and you know, I, I think they used to drop off mail or, Or, Um, Either mail or items, Stock items and things like this. I was selling cell phones and they used to like make a trip over from the main store to our store sometimes. And maybe that's what it was. I don't know. But anyway, I got my check and, There was a check for 40 hours. Now, I already had gotten paid that week, So I called up the main office because I live my life honestly. So I called up the main office and I says, Hey, Listen, I think you made a mistake. You already paid me for this week. And now I got an extra check. And they said, No, No, You just hit your year anniversary. That is your vacation pay. You got one week vacation your first year and you didn't take any of your days. So you get your vacation pay. And I was like, Oh, Wow. Sweet. Nice. You know? And my first thought was like, Wow, That never happened in the 20 years that I was drinking. I never accidentally forgot to take my vacation days. You know, But I was just so focused on being responsible and doing my job and creating my new life. I didn't. Vacation or skipping a day was the last thing on my mind. So I just didn't do it. But I looked at it and I said, Okay, Isn't that interesting? So I went a whole year without taking a vacation day. Is that healthy? You know, These were the questions that I asked myself. I literally was a blank slate. I did not know how to live life when I after I got sober because I had been living it dysfunctionally and I didn't want to live like that. So I was basically looking at every area of my life as it came up and choosing consciously how I wanted to live that aspect of my life. So when this happened, I looked at it And I said, Okay, So do. Do I want to continue not taking vacation days and just get these cool checks at the end of the year? " And I was like, You know what? I don't think so. I don't think that that's a healthy, Well-balanced life. I don't think I don't think companies give us vacation because they're nice. You know, Like. That's not usually a driving force. Like they give us vacation because we need it. Because if, If people just worked with no vacations, They'd go crazy. Like you need to unwind. You need to take some time off. I mean, Even God rested on the seventh day, You know? So, So like we need, So I was like, Okay, I think if I'm trying to create a healthy life, I think taking vacation days, Maybe not all of them necessarily, But having a break every once in a while throughout the year, I think is healthy. So I'm going to take my vacation days. Consciously. So the first thing that popped up was fear because I was like, Oh my God, If I take a like, I could see a lot of my unconscious patterns. So like once I gave myself permission to do something negative, I usually continued doing it. So I was worried that if I took a vacation day, Then I talk myself into taking another one two weeks later and another one two weeks later. And then, You know, In two months I'd have no vacation left. And then all of a sudden something would happen six months later and I'd be screwed because I had no vacation days. So I was like, Okay, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to fall back into an old negative behavior pattern. So let's set a rule here. And this is what I started doing with a lot of patterns is I started using patterns for my benefit, And I started setting rules for them. So designing my own patterns. So I was like, Okay, If I take a day off now, There might be this unconscious pull to take another one. I have to say no to that unconscious pull. What if I took one now and I'm not allowed to take another one for three months, No matter what, No matter how much I want to, Unless it's an absolute emergency where somebody is in the hospital or something like. I can't take one for three months. And then after that, I don't have to take one, But I can if I feel like it. If I have a good reason, You know? Um, So I set, I set something like this, You know, This was again, 21 years ago. So I don't remember the exact every word I had in my head, But basically that was it. So I said it. And I took one day off and sure enough, The next day, It was just, You know, This thought pops into my head that goes, Glenn, Man, You, You, You've got. Two weeks this year instead of one week. I mean, Surely there's no problem in taking another one. And I was like, Ah, No. I see that. I see that unconscious behavior trying to come in. And talk me into. Dropping into unconsciousness and doing things that are unhealthy without really thinking them through. So I stuck to my rule and and that's how I created my pattern for dealing with vacation days. Now, You know, It might sound silly, But you can use that in any area. Like you know what when your discipline is extremely important in our spiritual disciplines and in our lives and you guys are going to see this discipline is going to be Huge. Over the next year or two. It's just going to be getting more and more popular. There's going to be courses on discipline, All this stuff. This is where the spiritual teachings are going, Because we need to be more structured and take our spiritual disciplines more seriously so we can anchor into our spirituality deeper and not get knocked around every time something happens that we don't like. So our disciplines are going to be more and more important. And I'm already seeing this wave come up. So It's always been important. It's just going to be more in our. In the front of our face, You know, In the coming year or two. So, In my opinion. So. Setting these rules for my behavior, You know, I did that. It's like, Like going to AA meetings, They're like, You know, When you don't want to go, That's when you really need one. And there's some truth to that. It's just like anything, It's not 100% true. Sometimes you just need a day off. So after I was sober, You know, Four or five years or something, Everything was going well. I did the same thing with AA meetings. Like I, I never missed an AA meeting. Not that I went to one every day, But. On my days that I was going, I never missed one because I didn't want to be the one. That fell into a negative. Behavior pattern. Oh, I don't feel like going. So I'm not going to go. And that would, You know, Then all of a sudden fall deeper into. Self-pity or whatever was making me feel like not going and then. You know, Then you start to spiral sometimes, Especially if you're an addict or an alcoholic. So like I would, I would monitor that. And I, If I missed a meeting, I would make a rule, Like you're not allowed to miss another meeting for six months or whatever, You know? And I, And I would live by that. I would make a commitment to myself and I would live by that. You know, And that's, You know, Making the commitment to yourself is huge. You know, I've done another podcast on this and, And a lot of people make decisions about doing things in their life. And the reason that they don't follow through with them is because when the time comes to, To follow through. They open it up for discussion with their ego. You can't do that. Like if you set a plan in place ahead of time and you say, This is what I'm going to do and I'm going to stick to it no matter what. For two weeks, Three months, Six months, Whatever, Then you have to do that. And if you don't, It's disrespecting yourself. It's breaking a promise to yourself. It is not changing your mind. That's what everybody tells themselves. Oh, It's just me. Like, I can change my mind. It's not you changing your mind. It's your ego talking you out of it. So it has control over your behaviors. So you set the plan in place, You make a commitment to yourself and you do not break that commitment. Like I used to hear in recovery. Like, You know, If you're on your way to a meeting and your ass falls off, Then throw your ass over your shoulder and get it to a meeting. Is no excuse. Right, So, So like. If we don't make commitments to ourselves and hold them, It tears down our self-respect. It tears down our self-esteem and our self-love because we're not treating ourselves respectfully. We're disrespecting ourselves. We're not changing our minds. We're disrespecting ourselves and we're not even in control of our own lives. You know, This is why discipline is going to become so important is most people are not in control of their own lives. They're just not like it's, You know, Most people want to do something and they don't and they're not doing it. They want to go on a particular vacation. They want to take time off. They want to change their job. They want to go try a new restaurant. There's something that they want to do and they're not doing it. Month after month, Year after year. This is because most people aren't in control of what they're doing. They just kind of float around and, Oh, Well, You know. I don't feel like it, Why should I if I don't feel like it? It's like, It's because it's not you that doesn't feel like it. 99% of the time, It's your ego trying to control you and talking you out of it. And if you keep giving into it. You just lose control of your life. You don't do things that you want to do. You don't follow through. You know, So you have to make these commitments. It's a very important part of following through with your patterns. Um. . . So yeah, Set those patterns of behavior in place, Make a commitment to yourself and follow through with them. Let me see. Let me see what else I want to touch on. Yeah, This very well might be a short one because it's pretty straightforward. Patterns create outcomes. Right? Patterns create outcomes. So if you're looking at your life and you're not enjoying what your outcomes are, Then it's because it's a pattern of thinking or acting that keeps achieving that outcome. A pattern of thinking and behaving. That achieves that outcome. Think of manifesting. You guys know I think manifesting is taught wrong. But most people think of manifesting as like putting energy towards something and it and then it comes to fruition. And, And there's some truth to that. Okay, So let's just stick there. We're not going to go deeper into manifestation. But so if you put if you keep putting energy towards something, Then an outcome comes to fruition. This is how you can tell. I use that mentality to come to Um. . . Wow, What's that term? Well, This isn't it, But to come to logical conclusions on an educated guess, I think that was the term I was trying to find, To come up with an educated guess, Something that's likely that is happening. Behind the scenes where I can't see. Okay, So one of the most obvious, And you can use this in any situation, You follow the line of logic, And you follow the, You can start at the outcome and then work backwards to find your pattern. So if I look at the government, Right, In the last 50 to 100 years or so, In the U. S. And I go, OK. What is it? Like. What is it achieving? What has the government consistently, What has happened in society? Through governmental structures. Not just governmental structures, But let's just say not even the government, Right? Just kind of how society in general is set up, Including the government. What has happened consistently in society in the last 50 years? You well. The money and power is funneled upward. And the poor get poorer. So the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's been consistent. There's never been a variance of that. In 50 years, The rich have consistently gotten richer and the poor have consistently gotten poorer. And then I go, OK, So there must be a behavior pattern that gets that to happen. There must be a way of thinking and behaving that keeps achieving that because you can't achieve something consistently for 50 years, 100 years and not be and be like, Whoops, Like, Geez, We weren't trying to get the rich richer and the poor poorer. It just we tripped over a rock and it happened. Whoops, My bad. Don't worry about it. We see the error. It's never going to happen again. It was simply an accident. No, It's been consistent. So I go, Oh, Okay, So they must be putting energy towards, They must be putting thought and behavior, Which is energy, Towards achieving that. Why? Because it's achieved. Okay, So now what would I like society to do? Well, Solve societal problems. That would be nice. Okay, Have they done that? Not really, No, No. There's been little bits of progress made on societal issues here and there sporadically, But there's no consistency to it. We haven't transcended anything. There's no problem we had 50 years ago that just simply isn't a problem now. Like, So we haven't solved any problems. Oh, Okay. Then that tells me that there is no consistent. Thinking, And behavior. Heading in that direction. Towards solving problems, Because if there was, Some of those problems would be solved by now. There would be a result if we were putting consistent thought and action towards them, And there isn't, Right? So you can do that with anything. Big scale, Small scale, You know, Oh, Geez, You know, Somebody, Somebody is always late. And they always have an excuse. Okay, Well, They're always late, So they're consistently putting either a thought or a behavior in play that makes them consistently late. They need to change something. To break that pattern. Somebody's consistently on time. Oh, Well, Then they must be there must be a consistent way of thinking and behaving that keeps getting them that result over and over and over consistently. You know, If if somebody is late one time or somebody's early one time, You know, Vice versa, It's not that it happens exactly perfectly. That's not a pattern. A pattern is more often than not. This is what happens. It doesn't have to be. Every single time. But if something happens 9 out of 10 times, That's a pattern. Even if it didn't happen that one time. Eight out of 10 times, That's a pattern. So patterns create outcomes. Look for the thought or the behavior that's creating your outcome. You'll see your pattern. Then you can adjust your pattern. To get a different one, Or maybe even to enhance it, Or to take what you're doing in one area of your life and say, You know, Most people have more success in either their business area of life or their personal side of life. Like usually there's a little bit more. Like maybe in their personal life, They can't get along with their spouse or people in their family, But in their business life, They can get along with everybody or vice versa. Right. You can you know, This is something you can do. You can take where you're being successful, Break it down, And you can find ways that you're interacting that are successful. That's why it's successful in that area of your life and then duplicate them in the other area of your life that you're not having so much luck with. Because like relationships, For instance, If you're good at relationships at work, Relationships are based on foundational principles. And the main one is respect. You have to give other people respect. And you have to, And they have to respect you back. Like you, Sometimes they just do respect you back. Sometimes you have to set boundaries so they respect you back. But some people can do that in their business life, But they can't do it in their personal life. Or they can do it in their personal life, But they can't do it in their business life. Find what you're doing right, Your pattern of behavior that works successfully in one area of your life, And then just duplicate it. Because, You know, Of course it's going to look different in your business life than your personal life. It's going to look different on a surface level. It's not going to be different. On a dynamic lower level. The dynamic is the same. It's an aspect of respect. Now, Does that respect look different? Yeah, Sometimes it can. You know, Like, I mean, If you're at work and, You know, And somebody complains because your report was a day late and you go, Listen, I was overworked. I did the best that I could do. And, You know, You have to understand that, You know, I wasn't dragging my feet. This was I got it done as soon as humanly possible because of this, This and this, You know. And then so you set a boundary and you go, Hey, Wait, Don't give me crap like I'm working very hard. And now all of a sudden they respect you now at home. It's not going to look like a report. You know. But you can have your kid or your spouse complaining about dinner and you can be like, Listen, Like I'm busting my ass over here doing the best I can. So I don't want to hear it. And then all of a sudden, You set a boundary there, Right? So they might look a little bit different on the surface level, But dynamic-wise, They're the exact same. So just how we're looking, And I think this is probably the last part I'm going to. Talk about, I explained how patterns create outcomes, Right? And, And I showed it from one perspective. So it's We can use it. To change our lives. Why? Because patterns create patterns. Outcomes. So if we want lasting transformation, You know, To transcend things, Which to me is why we do this work. Transcend it. I am not walking through the rest of my life with the same problems I had 20 years ago. I want to transcend my problems. I want them to be a non-issue. That's the whole point of doing self-work in my opinion. It's not so I can sit there 20 years later and say, Well, I'm still struggling with this, But I think I'm doing a little better. Like, Oh my God. What? That's exhausting. Transcend the problem, Please. So if we're talking about lasting transformation, We can't do things occasionally. Bye-bye. Feeling good, Feeling motivated today, So I'm going to hit the gym. And then we don't golf for three weeks. Ah, Feeling motivated today, Gonna hit the gym. Then we don't go for three weeks. You're not going to change anything. Right. So. Changing our daily patterns. Helps us transcend issues permanently. It helps us reshape our lives permanently. That helps us become better versions of ourselves permanently. So set those patterns of behavior, Set yourself a plan. Like I was talking about earlier, If I'm going to implement something in my life, As a general rule, What I do is I sit down, Usually on a weekend. But not necessarily. All that matters is that I ain't doing it right then. Whatever I'm trying to set up plan for, Because if I'm trying to set it, Then my ego comes in and is like trying to talk me out of it and control me and all this stuff. So if my ego comes in, I go, No, No, No, I'm not. I'm not doing this now. I'm just creating a plan for the future. I'm going to implement it in the future. And my ego goes, Oh, All right, Whatever. I'll just control you when you when it comes time for you to do it. You know, That's just kind of how it. Your ego. If you understand your ego, You can outsmart it. It's not a very, It's not a thinking entity. It has certain patterns of behavior. It doesn't understand time. It doesn't understand future and plans and all this stuff. It just tries to control you when things are happening. This is why people think they're changing their minds all the time. You're not changing your mind. It's your ego coming in and talking you out of something that you wanted to accomplish. And do you just think it's you changing your mind because it's that voice inside your head? No, You're the one that's listening to that voice. That voice is the ego. You're the one hearing it. So when that little voice goes, You know what? I don't really feel like doing this today. You go, Oh, I don't really feel like doing this today. That's your ego. That's not you. So you can't act like it's you. When we're setting these plans in place, I get my ego out of the way, Say, No, No, No, I'm not doing it now. And then I sit down and I go, OK, Like, When am I going to do this? I'm going to meditate. OK, When? Every day. OK, What time? OK, Set the reminder in my phone. Set the alarm to go off, The notification. Okay. Got it. All right. Is there anything else I need to do? Am I going to be able to do this? Yeah. So, Okay. All right. Set in place. Yeah. Okay. Now I got my, Now starting the next day, It's set in place. And then no matter whether I want to do it or whether I think I don't want to do it, I do it. Why? Because I set it in place and I set it in place for like, Depending on a thing, Two weeks, Two months, Whatever. And I go, At the end of two weeks, I'll assess. And if I need to make any changes, I'll make it in two weeks. But even if this is the stupidest thing I've ever done, I'm going to do it for two weeks. Because if you're just sitting there calmly, We're intelligent people. Your ego treats you like you're an idiot. You're not an idiot. If you're sitting there going like, Oh, You know, I can work out three days a week. I can meditate every morning, 15 minutes before I brush my teeth or before I head out to work or whatever. Like and you sit there and logically you figure out, Is there any reason why I can't do this? No, It's reasonable. OK, Like you're not crazy when you set this plan in place. And then all of a sudden, Two days later, Your ego comes in and goes, Uh, No, No, You shouldn't do that. And you go, Well, I made a commitment and I'm doing it. And your ego's like, No man, Like that, That you, You didn't take this into consideration and that into consideration. And you didn't think, Oh, You didn't realize you weren't going to really feel motivated today. And you didn't realize that, Um, You know, This, This, That you had to set your alarm 15 minutes early. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You didn't think this thing through. And you're like, Oh, Yeah, I must be a moron. Yeah, I really did jump the gun. And I just leapt into this without really thinking, Yeah, I'm not I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. And you just lost and none of it's true. Your ego knows how to press your buttons. So I don't get into an argument with my ego, One that I could possibly lose. I don't allow myself to discuss it with myself. I set it in place when I am of clear mind and clear body. I set the plan in place, And then I implement it. No excuses. And if I'm a moron and I forgot something, Then I'm a moron for two weeks and I'll make the changes in two weeks. Hasn't turned out yet. Sticking to it has always worked. I've never been halfway through an adjustment and said, Wow, This was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I didn't think this through at all. I've never done that. It's always been my ego that I've been keeping at bay. This is how we change our daily patterns, Not just occasional actions, But our daily patterns, Our way of thinking, Our way of behaving. And a lot of times it's our way of behaving and the thinking comes up later. Like I did a podcast many years ago on we have to act ourselves into better thinking instead of thinking ourselves into better action. Usually what people do is they sit and they're not motivated. They're not doing things that they need to be doing. Their life is not going the way that they want it to. And they go, Okay, Well, This just doesn't seem right. Taking this action just doesn't, It doesn't feel right. It doesn't, I'll know when I should make my adjustment. It's like, No, You won't. An object at rest tends to stay at rest. You're at rest. Like you need to push yourself to make some changes. So a lot of times we just have to set action plan in place and then just start taking the action. And then after we take the action for a little while, We start enjoying it. And our brain catches up. You start giving it these endorphins. And you start feeling good about yourself. Why? Because you're taking the action. So don't wait for your brain to tell you it's a good idea. Set the behaviors in place and start following through on the behaviors. And you'd be amazed at how much your thinking catches up. So that's going to do it. That's my patterns of behavior. Hope you enjoyed it. Hope you liked it. Hope you got something out of it. If I can be of service, Let me know and have a great day. Peace.