Being The Bigger Person

In this episode, we are talking about being the bigger person. Though this is something we have been told to strive for our entire lives, it can be challenging to separate feelings in the moment and to a step back and pause.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hey everybody,

Welcome to the show.

So I'm going to introduce my cohort,

Ben Barber.

Bam!

Just like that,

He's there.

Hey everybody.

Which is even more profound if you're watching this on video as opposed to listening to it because you just popped in on video.

Yeah,

It makes no difference.

If you're listening to this on audio,

That really wasn't that impressive.

Oh,

What are we talking about today,

Glenn?

We are talking about being the bigger person.

You know,

Rising above,

Man.

Just taking the high road.

Not the low road.

And why are we talking about that today?

We're talking about that today because one of my clients,

I asked for some ideas and this is what he sent over.

And I was like,

Ooh,

As soon as I read it,

I was like,

Yeah,

I think this one's got some meat on it.

And he kind of came at it a particular way,

Which we may or may not share as this goes on.

But as I was reading it,

The first thing I thought of was being the bigger person.

I kind of thought of it like,

You know,

Whenever we go into that mentality,

Usually what we're doing is where we're kind of creating separation in the energy,

You know,

Which never feels right to me.

So as soon as I felt that,

I tried to get some clarity on it and I'm always looking for the empowerment as opposed to the victim.

So like if a lot of times if we're like,

Oh,

I have to be the bigger person.

I have to rise above.

Why do I always have to rise above?

Why do I always have to take the high road when they get to take the low road?

You know,

We fall into that victim mentality so easily.

So,

You know,

Immediately as soon as I saw that,

I'm like,

Okay,

You know,

What is,

What's the healthy way of taking the high road?

So,

You know,

I was looking at it and I was going,

You know,

I'm going to be the bigger person because I want to be a bigger person.

Like,

I don't really care what they're doing.

You know,

It's not about them.

It's about me.

And when,

You know,

That basically dismisses the separation between you and them.

Because as soon as we create separation,

We become judgmental.

And it's all this,

It's all this subconscious unraveling that happens that we're not even aware of.

You know,

And this is like,

This is why I try to check into the energy of stuff.

That's why I find,

I find it so much easier to just become aware of energy or how I feel,

You know?

And that's,

It is kind of interesting because,

So we're going off on this for a minute,

I guess.

I love it.

Go.

So like,

Maybe we'll do a whole podcast on this,

But like,

What I try to do is I,

I just pause and like,

I've done it so many times that it's like second nature.

So as I'm reading something,

I'm paying attention to how I'm feeling and I either feel empowered or I feel disempowered.

And if I feel disempowered,

Then I know that it's leading me into some sort of victim mentality or something like that.

Something I don't want,

There's something wrong with it.

And sometimes I don't even know what it is,

Nor do I always care.

It's just,

I know that there's something wrong with it.

So then I go,

Okay,

What,

You know,

What's the healthy way or what's the empowering way or something?

And I'll ask myself that question.

And then it goes into a direction and that's what happened.

You know,

I read this text in 20 seconds and as I was reading it,

I was running the check,

Noticing that the energy could be disempowering and was receiving the information of an empowering mentality all in 20 seconds.

You know,

All at the same time.

So it's really not that difficult to do once you just get in the habit of doing it.

And it's just,

It cuts through so much crap.

And this is,

I think this is why I found it easy to get to the core of things because of that type of thing that I do.

You know,

So,

So here we are at the core.

So,

So yeah,

I think it's important to do it in a healthy way.

And,

You know,

Sometimes when I talk about this,

I,

I've talked about,

You know,

If you lie,

You're a liar.

If you steal something,

You're a thief.

And it doesn't matter what the circumstances are.

It doesn't matter if somebody lied to you first.

It doesn't matter if you were stealing something for good reason.

It doesn't like the ends don't justify the means ever because you're just a culmination of your means.

If you walk around lying,

Then you're a liar.

Like,

Oh yeah,

But he lied first.

Oh,

Well then I didn't realize that you're not a liar.

Nope,

Still liar.

So once,

And you know,

And I was in this situation where I was,

You know,

In,

In court situations,

Here's a big shock.

People lie because a lot of times there's,

There's some you're in court for a reason.

There's something that people deem.

That's court court's a pain in the ass.

So if you're there,

There's something that somebody deems important enough to take the time out of their day and go through that.

So,

So if there's something important,

People tend to lie more often,

You know?

So I was in court,

You know,

And family court and lies were coming in and I had to decide like,

Well,

There was something very important at stake in family court,

Namely my son.

Should I lie to do what's right or what I feel is what's right.

And I was like,

I,

I can't,

I can't say that I live by spiritual principles.

If I allow somebody else to determine who I am and what I do and my behaviors,

I,

I'm just handing my power away.

Well,

You lie.

Now I have to lie.

Now I'm a liar.

And they made me,

They made me do it.

Like,

You know,

So,

So they have control over who I am as a human being,

As a person.

And I was like,

That,

That that's disempowering.

That ain't right.

I'm not going to allow somebody else to,

To determine who I am as a person and what qualities I walk around this earth with.

So I was like,

It's just simple.

I just can't,

I can't lie.

So I didn't.

And,

You know,

Then I,

Then all of a sudden my self-love increases because I,

When I think about myself,

I think about myself as one who doesn't lie consistently as general rule.

So I like that.

I like that quality in anybody.

And if I happen to have it,

I'm probably going to love me more.

You know?

So I think it's more about,

I think that's the biggest picture because it comes at it from an empowering perspective and taking our power back away from other people.

You know what I'm saying,

Ben?

I do know what you're saying.

It brings me to the question that the client asked because I'm,

So it's very clear to me what you're saying about,

About your,

Your talking to them,

And about,

About being empowered and,

And not,

You know,

Doing it for the right reasons and,

And ever all work,

Self-work and it's about you and,

You know,

Much in the way of whatever negative thing is coming at you from somebody else,

You've said time and time again,

Is about them.

It's not about you,

You know?

And that all makes sense to me.

I'm really intrigued by the question though,

That was posed by the client,

Which was about not,

I mean,

Do you want me to read or paraphrase?

It doesn't matter either way,

Whatever you want.

Okay.

Honestly,

Something I was talking about with someone was people always talking about being the bigger person with other people in their lives.

I feel like we need to start filtering who is in our lives more so we don't always have to be the bigger person and really to gauge who we keep around us.

Meeting people where they are might mean us having to come down a few notches and who wants to do that?

So that's really interesting.

People that you want to be in your life,

But you are,

It's draining to be the bigger person,

Obviously.

And,

You know,

And,

And you have talked about a couple months ago,

Like the three levels of consciousness and,

And,

You know,

Doing your best and being there.

So like being the bigger person constantly with,

With someone that you have some sort of relationship with is draining.

What,

What are,

What's your advice about that?

Yeah,

It's,

I mean,

There's,

And there's,

As you're reading it,

There's multiple ways to come at it and it's,

You know,

The,

The,

I mean,

In,

In some aspect,

Again,

You do it for you.

You just be who you want to be,

You know,

Coming down a few notches.

I don't view it like that.

And I think this might be helpful to a lot of people.

Like,

I don't,

If,

If,

If they're,

You know,

I have friends that aren't into spirituality.

I have friends that,

You know,

For lack of a better term,

Will just say,

Walk through life unconsciously.

The way I look at things I consider conscious.

So that would make them unconscious.

It's not a slight on them.

I think they're wonderful people.

That's why they're in my life.

You know,

I don't have people that I don't think are good people that are in my life,

Whether they're conscious or unconscious.

But,

Like,

If somebody is in my life,

Like,

Let's say that they're not on a spiritual path,

I don't consider it,

I think I can still meet them where they are without coming down a few notches,

You know,

Because I just perceive it for what it is.

Like,

Meeting somebody where they are is just about connecting to them where they are.

It's like connecting to them where they are doesn't mean you need to go there.

Like,

So,

And,

And I,

This is like a foundational understanding that I got when I started life coaching,

Because people started going,

Like,

Right in the beginning,

People were,

You know,

It's funny how you get what you need.

I needed clarity on this.

So I had a bunch of people ask me why so I would go in and get the clarity on it.

So a bunch of people asking me going,

Glenn,

What's it like being a life coach?

Isn't it difficult listening to people's problems all day and talking about these deep,

Difficult things all the time?

And it's not hard and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And I was like,

No,

And I didn't understand,

You know,

So I was like,

Yeah,

That does sound hard.

How come it's not?

And like,

What I saw was that I was,

I don't climb into the mud with people.

Like when somebody is discussing their difficulties and what they're going through,

I don't climb into their difficulty with them and experience all the difficult feelings and be like,

Oh,

Yeah,

This is horrible.

And we're in this deep,

Dark place.

And how are we going to get out?

And like,

It's not like that.

Like,

I mean,

I'm listening and taking in information,

But I'm standing on the outside of the mud puddle,

Going,

Throwing a rope and going,

Yeah,

Come on this way,

You know,

Come this way,

Come.

So I don't climb into the mud with them.

I'm standing on the outskirts of the mud going,

Yeah,

Out is this way.

Solution is this way.

Come this way.

Try looking at it this way.

So I don't get immersed in the problem with them.

And it's kind of the same thing when I'm talking to people.

If I'm talking to somebody that I know it's a surface conversation and it's not going to get real deep,

Then I just talk on a surface level.

It's fine.

I mean,

I can interact with people on different levels.

You know,

I'm not like,

I don't consider it dumbing myself down.

And,

You know,

I saw this when I first started working with people and I first started in recovery and people were like,

Like in recovery,

A lot of times,

Like if you actually get it,

Like if you go through 12 steps and go through all that work and pop open and actually open up spiritually,

It gets pretty profound transformation from before to after because before you're pretty much a mess,

You know?

So like it's a profound transformation and people would go like,

How could you stand talking to me six months ago?

Didn't I drive you crazy?

The things that I was asking,

The stupid stuff that I said,

The ridiculous way that I viewed life,

Didn't that drive you insane?

How did you put up with me?

And it's like,

Again,

I had to pause and go,

Geez,

I didn't feel that way at all.

Why are they saying this?

And I was like,

I was like,

Yeah,

I don't.

You just talk with somebody where they are.

You just,

You know,

If you're looking for an authentic connection with somebody,

Then you just get an authentic connection.

They don't have to be at the same place you are.

You know,

It's just interacting with that person authentically.

Yeah,

That's really nice.

And I think that I feel like that's difficult to understand for people that aren't doing it actively,

That you can engage without immersing,

You know?

Right.

Yeah.

You can engage without immersing and you can engage without just connecting because it's,

You know,

A lot of it has to do with dropping judgment.

You know,

It's,

There's,

I've learned a lot.

I've been gifted with a lot since I woke up spiritually,

You know,

Since I surrendered and opened things,

You know,

I got some things,

But there's,

I remember when I was younger,

People were like,

People would,

People told me most of my life that they felt non-judged around me.

Like they felt like I was very non-judgmental,

Which,

You know,

Is,

Is a gift.

So maybe that's why some of this stuff is a little bit more natural to me,

But I'm not,

But anybody can do it.

You know,

Anybody can do it.

It's just learning to practicing,

Dropping judgment,

Practicing,

Connecting to people,

You know,

Like the Buddhists have a mentality that,

Oh,

This faith,

Come here,

Faith.

Excuse me,

Everybody for a moment.

I keep hearing her with her collar.

If you're not watching the video right now,

First of all,

I highly suggest that you check out the videos of this Glen Ambrose on YouTube and Glen Ambrose Life Coaching on Facebook.

Hey,

Faith,

Such a pretty dog.

She's a sweetheart.

She really is.

So,

So what the heck was I saying?

You were talking about,

The engaging,

But not,

You know,

Immersing,

Engaging,

Fully connecting.

Yeah.

Not being judgmental.

And,

And just practicing can,

Oh,

It was the Buddhist thing.

So it was like the Buddhists have this philosophy that,

That like you,

You,

You walk around and you search like,

Like Buddha isn't a God.

Buddha is an enlightened being.

That's what Buddha literally means.

So,

So they have this like little exercise that they walk around searching for the Buddha within each person.

So they'll,

You know,

You could be out in public going Buddha with a question mark,

Buddha,

Each person you'd look at Buddha,

Buddha,

Is that you Buddha?

You know,

And,

And you know,

In Christianity,

They have a similar mentality.

I mean,

In all religions they do,

But in Christianity,

Looking for the Christ within,

You know,

Connecting,

Understanding that we all have a soul and we are all spiritual beings having a human experience that we can connect to anybody on a soul level.

You know,

And if we do that,

Understanding that their personality or the conversation that's happening is just the surface,

But you know,

But their,

Their soul is underneath.

So it's just,

It's just connecting.

Wow.

Look at this.

Like Eckhart Tolle talks about going to a coffee shop and,

And just people watching and going,

Oh my goodness,

Look,

Look at how God is expressing itself as that person.

Wow.

Isn't that interesting?

Look at how God is expressing himself as that person.

Oh my goodness.

Wow.

That's so cool.

You know,

And just perceiving it like that.

I think with that type of mentality,

Connecting with people on a different level and just meeting them where they are,

It's a,

It's a very natural thing.

Like spiritual stuff.

I'm trying to intellectualize it and to,

To explain it and put words to it,

Which is difficult.

And I'm guessing that a lot of listeners are going to go like,

That's how I don't know how to do that.

Like I,

I get it.

I understand.

But really anything spiritual,

We don't know how to do.

We don't like you just try it.

You just experiment with it,

Even though you don't know how to do it.

And then all of a sudden,

Like four times,

It's a complete mess.

And then one time you just kind of halfway hit it and you go,

Oh,

I think that might've been a little bit.

What was that?

What did I do?

Did I do something right there?

What,

What?

I don't,

Oh,

I don't know.

Let's try it again.

Then,

Then you get it at half right a couple more times and all of a sudden you get it right once and you're like,

Oh my God,

I did it.

And then you do it again.

Like that's how you learn stuff spiritual.

You just experiment and play with it.

You know,

You don't wait until you understand it and know how to do it and then do it because you'll never get there.

It's a burial.

Yeah.

That's a great,

That's a great talk on that,

On that point,

Which was a question from a client.

And,

And sort of,

You know,

Brought us down a different rabbit hole of this.

But it's an important one,

A really important one,

Because when you're talking about being the person,

You're talking about having a difficult relationship with somebody else.

You know,

Whatever that interpersonal relationship may be,

Whether it's short term or long term,

But you're,

You're talking about having some sort of conflict if you need to be the bigger person.

So conflict or,

Or drama,

You know?

And I mean,

So,

So,

Which is really a great point.

So let's bring it into the practical.

Yes.

So the practical is I think,

Not getting sucked into the drama of it,

And then also kind of,

Um,

You know,

Getting sucked into the drama of it.

And then also kind of,

Um,

I'm trying to find a nice way to phrase this.

All right.

I'm just going to phrase it the way I usually do.

It's like being a spiritual,

Um,

Being spiritual can be an asshole repellent,

You know?

So,

So I'm going to touch on that in a minute,

But I wanted to touch on both of these.

So what was the first one that I just said?

Um,

All I'm focused on is the second one at this point.

I know,

I know my,

The information's coming so quickly that like,

If I'm like be bopping all over the place,

Um,

Dealing well,

Dealing with conflicts.

So,

So like if,

If you're dealing with,

With,

With situate drama,

That's what it was.

So if you're dealing with drama,

You just have to,

Don't get sucked into the drama.

You know,

Like I,

I worked at places when I was spiritual that were filled with drama,

But I didn't want to get sucked into it.

So a lot of times I just wouldn't,

I would just shut up.

I wouldn't engage in the conversations a lot of times because I just didn't,

I,

It was a con,

It was a conversation filled with drama.

I,

I have nothing to add to that.

So I just sit back,

You know,

And then at first,

Of course people like,

Oh,

Glenn,

What do you think?

And you know,

Sometimes we'd be like,

Eh,

I got nothing to add.

Or if they say,

If they really push,

It's like,

Well,

I don't know.

It sounds like a bunch of drama.

Just be honest.

And then what happens is over time,

People start understanding you and who you are.

And most people that are addicted to drama are looking to feed their drama.

That's,

That's what drama does.

That's why it's an addictive thing is because it needs to be fed in it.

You know?

So like if you,

If you're filled with drama and you go up to somebody and you go,

Oh my God,

Do you believe this happened?

And you go,

Eh,

And they don't get a reaction,

Then it doesn't feed it.

And that,

And their sole purpose is to feed it.

So they're going to stop coming to you.

They're going to stop asking you for your opinion,

Which is good.

I mean,

So,

You know,

It's,

It's fine.

So you can,

I mean,

This I've experienced this a ton in many,

Many different situations with,

With friends.

And you know,

The I'll be sitting right there with three friends and the,

And the three of them are be bopping back and forth and they're going,

You know,

The drama is just flowing,

Flowing and flowing.

And of course I'm there.

So they want to include me.

So they look right at me,

All jacked up with drama,

Just oozing out of them.

And they're just like,

And they look at the next person.

They're like,

You can tell they're about to ask my opinion,

But what happens is they go,

Oh shit,

I can't ask Glenn because if I ask Glenn,

Then like,

He's going to go straight to solution.

And I don't want this solution.

I want to feed the drama.

So we got to,

You know,

I got to skip right over Glenn and stay with the other person.

So people start learning to do that,

Which is cool.

You know,

It's,

It's kind of fun to sit back and watch all that stuff and then see them come to you and then their brain real quick,

Just go,

Oh,

Skip and go to somebody else.

So that is,

You know,

A lot of times if we're just quieter than we think we need to be a lot of times our opinion does not need to be interjected.

So be quiet more,

Don't interject it.

And if you're asked,

Give a drama free solution instead of feeding the problem.

And after a while,

The people around you are going to start understanding that if they ask you a question,

They're probably going to get a solution.

So they'll either stop asking you questions or they'll think twice before coming at you with drama and the relationship will improve.

So this is how you can kind of be around the same people in work environments and sometimes friend or family environments and shift it just enough so it's not so uncomfortable.

And really you still get to be your authentic self.

You know,

So I think that that that's a big piece.

So then we'll go to asshole repellent.

I said this for years,

Like being spiritual is the best asshole repellent.

It's because all you got to do is just shine brightly.

And people who are not,

I got to find a nicer way to say this,

But people who are not on the spiritual path,

Like people who are really negative,

A negative person repellent,

Maybe I'll say it like that.

So people who are negative don't like to be around somebody that's positive.

They don't like it.

It's very uncomfortable for them.

You think you're uncomfortable being around somebody negative?

Just shine your light a little bit brighter.

They're going to be twice as uncomfortable around you.

Just relax into being spiritual and being bright.

And the people who don't like the feeling of that energy,

It's like oil and water.

They'll just separate from you.

And you don't have to go through this big process of cutting people out of your life that everybody thinks that you have to do.

You just wake up one day and you're like,

I haven't heard from Bob in like three months.

I wonder where he is.

Isn't that interesting?

Oh yeah,

He was really negative.

I'm kind of glad.

Good.

When,

When?

You just allow it.

And then the people who do stay around you are more interested in solution.

I'm more interested in spiritual talk,

Even if they're not ready sometimes.

So I think that's really the two ways that I've found in more of a practical way.

We don't have to really,

I mean,

Of course,

Do we have to set boundaries?

Yeah.

I mean,

Having this conversation without mentioning boundaries,

We'd be missing something.

So of course,

You know,

Setting boundaries is necessary in certain situations.

Sometimes with co-parenting,

That's a good one for boundaries.

Like,

I think a lot of people try to co-parent when they shouldn't.

Like seriously,

Seriously,

Like I was in a situation where co-parenting was impossible.

We're never going to,

It didn't matter.

We were never going to see anything the same way ever.

And that was very clear very early on.

So I didn't attempt to co-parent because there was just no sense in attempting it.

Every time we did it just turned into a fight.

So I think co-parenting is good if you can do it.

And I think that that's the first effort you try.

If you have a child with somebody,

You try to be copacetic.

You try to be considerate.

You try to be loving.

You try to co-parent in the way that most people think you should.

You try it.

But if it doesn't work,

Man,

You just have to set some boundaries.

Because you are not in a relationship with them anymore.

So really the strongest pull people have to get along with each other is the fact that they're in a relationship together and they don't want to be miserable every day,

All day.

When that relationship has broken up,

That motivation is largely gone.

I don't really give a crap what they think.

Oh,

Well,

With that you're going to have a very difficult time co-parenting.

So with situations like that,

A lot of times it's,

If you try and you try and you try and it doesn't work,

Then you have to set boundaries.

And that's something,

I think that's a unique situation.

Although there are variations of that,

I think it's a unique situation because you're connected through the child.

You cannot separate from that person.

And yet,

Like,

You know,

It may be a situation where you don't get along with them,

But yet you can't get away from them.

So that's when boundaries are very important.

Man,

This was a great episode.

I mean,

It was nice to hear all this stuff because it's a phrase that you hear a lot,

Just be the bigger person,

But it rarely gets a deep dive like this.

So I think that's great.

Yeah,

I think so.

I mean,

You got to take the high road,

But you got to do it for the right reasons.

And,

You know,

Really just it's,

Like you said,

All work is inside work.

So it's,

You know,

Dive into yourself.

It's about you being the person you want to be.

That's what it's all about.

Everything else is secondary.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Well,

If you guys need help with anything or you have questions for Glenn,

You have something that you'd like for him to answer,

Send him a message at glenn at glennambros.

Com.

Check out glennambros.

Com.

Join the mailing list to get the weekly question and answer show where he takes a deep dive into just your question every Friday.

Get all of that stuff on glennambros.

Com.

The book is doing good right now.

People are,

You know,

Sending us messages every week about how much they're loving it,

Enjoying it,

And reading it,

Which is,

I'm sure,

Really nice,

Glenn.

Yeah,

I love it.

You know,

It's,

You never know how the book was written because it needed to be written,

But you never know how it will be received,

You know,

Especially your first book.

Yeah.

So,

Yeah,

The fact that people are reading it and really enjoying it and finding it not only useful for an overview of spirituality and how to live and,

You know,

Really understanding the ways,

But also as a reference book too,

Because the chapters are so small.

So that,

You know,

To be able to go back to it and get,

You know,

Information on a specific topic,

It's very easy to use for that.

So,

Yeah,

People are finding a lot of benefit in it and it's down to earth,

The spiritual beings guide to a happy human experience.

So yeah,

Go check that out.

Hopefully the audio will be out soon.

Maybe even by the time you hear this,

I don't know when this one will be released,

But.

Oh,

We have so many episodes in the can right now.

Yeah,

Which is good.

It feels good to have some kind of in the can waiting to be released.

So,

Yeah,

It very well may be out while when you're listening to this.

So,

But yeah,

I think that'll do it.

So thank you everybody.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you for the question.

And who knows,

Your question might even become a podcast like this did.

So send them in and I guess I'll do it.

Thanks for you.

Thank you for listening everybody.

And we'll talk with you soon.

Reviews

Really great topic and discussion, one of my favorites. Simplifying what being the bigger means is necessary, so thank you for pointing out that the work is internal.

Really interesting topic, thank you guys. Love and blessings 💖 x

Such a GREAT discussion! 🙏🏻💕

Great talk guys! Thank you!

Great episode Glenn! Thanks