What To Leave Behind To Gain Peace

Many live their lives through a background of unhappiness. While they feel okay in most moments, there’s also a general feeling of discontentment, resentment, irritation, and other negative emotions as they go about their daily lives. While most of these feelings are subconscious thoughts that sound like, “I need or want this to happen before I can be happy or fulfilled,” or “Life is always so hard,” the stories that you tell yourself significantly impact those background feelings and slowly become the factors that destroy your inner peace until you choose to leave the stories behind.

We are taking a deep dive into what inner peace is, what many must let go of to gain it—and it’s probably deeper and different than what you think, and then we’ll take on how to know when you’ve begun to accept inner peace as your baseline center fully.

Transcript

You know,

It's interesting.

I'm recording this podcast on a day that my inner peace is,

To be honest,

It's a little bit shaky.

Things happen.

We attach to moments and we feel like they are messed up,

Out of alignment,

Or that we begin to claw to maintain some semblance of balance.

It happens to all of us,

Including yours truly.

And,

Of course,

We don't want it to be that way.

But the thing about inner peace is the feeling of it ebbs and flows like anything else.

We have moments where we're really happy and moments where we're neutral or moments when we're not happy at all.

And peace is really like that too.

It comes and goes.

But once the constant of peace finds you,

No matter what has happened,

You have a deep knowing that peace is never really out of reach.

It hasn't left you.

It's just that maybe you need to work to get it back.

And,

Of course,

That is if you've released the background stories and behaviors that keep you spinning and things that you didn't even realize were impacting you.

And that is why we're having this conversation now.

You know,

So many of us have these stories that we tell ourselves.

We have this background noise,

Really,

That keeps us from our inner peace.

And I want to talk about those and how they show up and we can release them because once we notice and recognize and witness something,

We have the power to shift it.

Of course,

You probably have heard me use the term inner peace hundreds of times without even thinking too much about it,

About what it means or even how it really impacts you.

It's interesting that when I ask women to define inner peace,

I'm often given negatives to describe the feeling of peace.

It really is so interesting to me.

So I've heard things like,

You know,

Inner peace is the lack of stress or it's not being anxious or it's not overthinking.

It's not feeling like you're constantly screwing up.

And really,

Most people's definition of peace is the opposite of the negatives that they have experienced.

And you've heard me say so many times that everything has an opposite.

And when it comes to peace,

This is true.

And for most people,

The opposite is the ruler,

Right?

That they measure their contentment by.

I'm not stressed today,

So therefore I'm peaceful.

I suppose in a way that's true,

But it's certainly not how I want you to show up with your inner peace.

And so what is inner peace without the negatives or those stories that we tell ourselves?

You know,

Inner peace really is a deliberate conscious state of psychological and spiritual calm despite the presence of stressors.

So even when things are happening,

We still have a state of calm.

This is where the mind and the body and the soul have a level of serenity and calmness.

I personally like to describe this state as a state of rest where the emotional body is regulated.

You know,

We're not on the height of negative emotions.

Our emotions are stable and stable could be neutral,

Right?

That there's not much going on or really in an upswing of true positivity,

But not the positivity of everything is fine.

Let's just keep marching,

Swallow your problems and smile.

B.

S.

That's not what we're talking about.

The state of rest is also where your mental awareness is sharp and clear and you're balanced in your thought.

So even when there's a lot going on,

You're really stressed,

You still have the ability to create positive or neutral thoughts that are helpful and not distracting.

This rest is also your physical body is being cared for and that you have this feeling of deep contentment and gratification and connection and self-empathy and compassion and love.

In my eyes,

You could literally exchange the words inner peace with soul or true nature and absolutely nothing would be lost in translation.

Many things take us out of this state of rest,

Right?

And into those background stories of our past,

The dramas,

The traumas,

The storyteller,

Otherwise known as your mind,

Creating feelings and entire downfalls to our peace because it caught a fragment of a mistruth and ran with it,

Right?

And yet all of those things lead me to say that finding inner peace is often a byproduct of letting go,

Of surrendering,

Refusing to chase and relinquishing our need to control and even fight.

You can say that in order to get into inner peace,

You have to give up,

But of course not in a bad way.

Now,

Before we dive into what we have to give up or leave behind,

We should really talk about what finding this beautiful grounded center could mean and do for you.

So I've walked many women through this journey and the end goal of healing or processing or anything that we do together really is so that we can get to the state of self-love and inner peace.

And because of this journey that we take when we do a growth experience,

A few things naturally begin to occur along the way,

Right?

So it's not like we're really focused on these things.

It's just,

They are the byproduct of letting go,

Like I just said.

And that's what I want to share with you.

One of the first things that I often see happen is there is a downshift in overthinking.

It truly is amazing to watch someone be in their head all the time,

To go into a space where they realize that if they want to find inner peace and they want to find love for themselves,

That they cannot analyze every single detail of every single moment.

And of course,

Overthinking does occur when we find inner peace,

Right?

Yeah,

Of course it does.

But when we have this peace,

We realize that it's a waste of our energy to try to forecast the outcome of everything.

And we tend to stop.

There's also a natural tendency to stop dwelling on things,

Especially the backstory,

Especially your past.

And of course,

That comes in many different forms.

It can come in the form of forgiving yourself or others.

It happens through understanding what is meant to teach you,

Right?

Extracting the lessons and really getting into tune with how those things were meant to shape you or how they have shaped you and really what has been meant to be released the whole time.

It's understanding that our experiences shape our brain patterns and those always can be changed.

We're not stuck.

We're not rooted in our habits and behaviors if we opt to make changes.

With this journey to and building self-peace,

There's another thing that happens and it is less worry over the future.

Think about it.

If you feel peaceful,

What is to come doesn't feel so overwhelming.

It doesn't feel so frightening or untouchable.

Peace doesn't seem so elusive.

The future doesn't seem so hard.

Of course,

There are levels of allowing and releasing the outcome that deepens each stage of peace.

We realize that peace has a surface level.

It has a deep connectivity level with the self.

It has this really spiritual element to it.

Peace,

Whether it comes in any different form,

Is still internal.

Peace is not going to come from knowing what the future may bring.

The next thing that happens is probably one of the biggest factors that I hear when most people come into session for the first time.

I tend to ask some of the same questions.

The first one is,

What outcome do you have in mind?

What's your desired outcome for healing or therapy or life coaching or whatever it is that you're here for?

There's one word that's used the most and that word is freedom.

I'm seeking freedom.

I want freedom from my past,

Freedom from these things,

Freedom from my mind,

Freedom from my emotions,

Freedom from all these things that are not working for me.

You know how I said that soul and true nature could be exchanged with the word inner peace?

Let's add freedom to that list as well.

It's the same,

Right?

And when we have this higher level of inner peace,

Remember I just said there are different levels,

Freedom is naturally there.

Maybe you're asking what kind of freedom?

And the answer to that question is that there are really five areas.

I call them the masters of our lives.

Five areas that include the spiritual,

Mental,

Emotional,

Physical,

And financial elements of our life.

Peace and freedom are spread into all of those areas if we allow it to be.

And lastly,

Another thing that comes up is there tends to be a quiet confidence that sinks into our daily experiences.

It's this ability to see the curve ball coming at you and knowing that it may hit you,

That you may not be able to swing your bat fast enough,

And yet it's okay.

You continue to move toward it without fear because in the end,

You know that everything is working out in your favor.

That is peace.

That is knowing that even if the outside world is on fire,

On the inside,

You are still good.

On the inside,

You have got your own back.

That is inner peace.

So how,

How do we get there?

Most people say,

Oh yeah,

I was peaceful,

But they do not have a baseline of continued peace.

I'm going to go down this list of things that I've personally witnessed so many women struggle with or release in this journey.

And honestly,

These are things that I myself have gone through as well.

Of course,

There are many others,

But hey,

We only have so much time together.

So these are the main pieces that I see that hold us in those backstories,

Holds us in our past,

Holds us in our trauma,

And keeps us out of inner peace.

Right?

And none of these are in specific order.

They just are.

So let's get started.

To gain peace,

You have to let go of not being clear about your wants and needs,

Right?

How can you be peaceful if you don't know what you want?

Seriously,

I want you to think about that.

Many people say,

I want freedom and I want peace.

But then when I say,

How are you going to get there?

Or what do you want?

They have no idea.

If you are unclear about what it would take to make you happy,

About what it would take to live your purpose,

What you want in the five master areas of your life,

How can you reach a sense of balance?

How can you reach a sense of what is desired or that desired rest?

In order to find peace,

You must know what you want.

You must know what you need and you have to be locked in and clear about it.

Does that mean that you can't shift or change?

Absolutely not.

Heck no.

Right?

And you will need to change and you will need to,

You know,

Rethink and reframe what you want and need during different times in your life.

We have to be willing to do that because we change and every new level of life requires that we renegotiate our needs.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Right?

So what do you want?

What do you need?

How we're going to get there?

We'll talk about that in a moment.

The next thing that I see so often is that in order to have peace,

You must stop engaging with toxic people.

Listen,

We all know those people that we engage with on a daily,

You know,

Existence that really are toxic.

They affect the way that you think,

The way that you feel,

The way you behave.

And if you are around people who downgrade your worth,

Make you question yourself,

Belittle,

Lie,

Gossip,

Cheat,

Lean into bullying.

Right?

It takes a toll on your inner peace.

It takes a toll on the five masters.

It makes you mentally cave,

Emotionally cave,

Makes you disconnect from yourself,

Makes you really want to quit your job if that's where it's happening.

So there's a financial aspect to it.

And all of this absolutely holds your peace hostage.

Toxic people lead to toxic relationships if you engage.

If you want peace,

You have to stop prioritizing people who consider your peace as an afterthought.

Think about that.

Toxic people don't have your interest at heart and they certainly don't have your peace in mind.

So if peace is your goal,

Letting go of the toxic people,

The toxic relationships is a priority.

You have to stop putting people who don't care about your feelings in the first position in your life.

That leads me to the next thing.

If you want peace,

You have to stop forcing relationships.

Generally,

We force relationships with toxic people or vice versa because we think that we're going to get something positive out of it.

But if you want peace,

You have to stop forcing.

Some relationships are meant to be,

Regardless of what type of relationship it is,

And others are meant to teach us,

And then we are meant to move on.

If you are in a space where you know the relationship you are in does not align,

Ask yourself,

Do I have peace in this situation?

Is this relationship good for me?

Is this relationship one-sided?

Because generally it is.

Am I giving but not receiving?

Healthy boundaries are essential when it comes to peace and ignoring them will always keep peace at bay.

Okay,

Let's keep moving because the list is kind of long.

So let's chat about excessive self-blame because it also has to go.

I have mentioned the background stories a few times and often those background stories come from our hard experiences and from those hard experiences we have hard reactions.

Those reactions,

Of course,

Become the pattern in which we see the world,

In which we perceive the world,

The lens.

If we tell our brain that everything is always 100% our fault based on the outcomes or the feelings of those experiences,

We own this mistruth and life becomes very difficult to manage.

It stands to reason that the harder our life is,

The harder it is to find peace.

When we blame ourselves for failure in relationships,

In work,

In our children's eyes,

In our family,

Whatever it is,

It impacts everything.

Of course,

There's always a need for responsibility.

I don't want you to say,

You know,

Let's push blame away.

Let's not take responsibility.

That's not what I'm saying.

There's always responsibility in every moment,

But sometimes 100% responsibility is not yours.

And when we have unhealthy self-blame,

We have unhealthy attachment to things and that becomes the barrier to our peace and the barrier to our growth.

When the background story begins to play,

We have to ask ourselves,

What role did I play?

And is there grace for my action?

And how can I disengage from this story and move into a space that allows me to extract the moment and use it to my benefit?

The other piece to this is that we must leave behind excess worry,

Right?

It doesn't help us foster our peace.

And we have to remember that the past is just that.

Yes,

It can rule us for a very long time and yes,

It needs to be healed.

But is this really what you want?

Is this really what you want creating your daily interaction,

Your daily feeling,

The way you show up?

Do you honestly want to hide behind the past stories and keep yourself from living because you're too busy living in what was?

I really don't think you do.

So the question here is,

What do I need?

Yes,

That question keeps coming up.

And yes,

It will continue because it can be applied to every situation and every moment that you experience.

To be peaceful,

You have to start getting into a state of allowing that takes you out of chasing.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen people chase their happiness and I get it.

Remember how I've said a million times I am a reformed people pleaser.

Guess what I also did?

I chased happiness.

I was one of those people.

I was the do more,

Be better,

Go bigger,

Push harder types.

And I see it every single day.

But there's one thing that I can say with exact certainty is if you are going to chase your happiness,

You will never find peace long-term.

To have peace,

We have to allow our lives to unfold.

Yes,

We have to show up.

Yes,

We have to do the work,

Sometimes really hard work,

But we don't have to heavily rely on knocking everything down on our path just to have some instant gratification.

That never leads us to fulfillment.

And fulfillment is a part of peace.

It's a part of that rest.

Chasing happiness keeps us from enjoying our lives.

It keeps us from our peace.

It also leads us into something that we have to absolutely not do.

And that is to lean into external validation to feel good about ourselves.

When we're chasing happiness,

What are we doing?

We're looking to feel good,

Right?

And when we lean into external validation,

What are we doing?

We're looking to feel good.

Neither are sustainable.

Neither actually have true merit behind them because it's not coming from us.

Internal validation sounds like,

Well done.

I tried.

I did my best.

I'm worthy of peace.

I know I can.

I know I could.

If the background stories are always playing the sounds of,

I can't,

You won't,

I am never,

Guess what?

You need to release the limits that you've owned.

Whether you've owned them purposefully or not,

You have to learn to retell the story of,

I can,

In place of all of those times that you've held yourself in the comfort,

Which most of the time is actually discomfort.

So how can you start?

Well,

Question the validity,

Right?

Question the story.

Are these feelings true?

Is this the true thought that I really want to lean into?

Are these statements true?

If you know the statement's not true,

But you only take someone else's opinion as gospel and they don't believe this is true for you,

Can you reach peace?

Never,

Right?

You can't because you're always tied to someone else's opinion.

Staying comfortable can really be a problem and it's the next one on our list because life is more than the average experience.

Life is more than predictability.

Many believe that comfort will offer them peace and in some ways I'm sure it can.

However,

If you're staying comfortable in order to avoid discomfort,

This mindset will always backfire.

It always keeps you from peace.

How?

Because the background stories don't just go away.

They always find a way to come back out.

They find their way into our daily interactions and we're scratching our heads thinking,

Why did I create my own problem?

And it's because we didn't deal with a background story to begin with.

Sometimes those experiences show up over and over again until we get so damn uncomfortable that we have to be moved.

Being uncomfortable is tolerable.

Life isn't always about comfort.

It's not always going to be comfortable.

We have to get into this idea so that we know that peace is present regardless of what is happening.

And when we do so,

We let go of the small stuff owning us and ruining our day.

If you're living in discomfort day after day,

You certainly don't know peace.

It's just not possible.

So let's roll through a few others so that we can get into some other pieces of all of this.

And so a few other things that you're going to have to let go of in order to really find peace is second guessing your worth.

Comparing yourself to other people.

Over explaining yourself when the answer has always been no.

That steals your peace so quickly.

Forcing yourself to swiftly,

Quote,

Get over things when you're not ready to heal.

There is a timeline sometimes for people when they're just not ready to look at something and forcing yourself to just get over it does not allow peace.

Ignoring how far you've come because you're too fixated on what is still left is a big thief of peace.

Refusing to try new things.

Always trying to impress others.

People pleasing.

Grudges.

That's a big one,

Right?

And,

You know,

Going into this victim mentality is another.

In fact,

If you missed episode 129 on playing the victim,

You may want to listen to that next because that certainly is a major issue that most people do not realize that they're doing and it 100% keeps us from our inner peace.

Another thing is the quest for more material goods instead of having gratitude and appreciation for what you have.

That keeps us from our peace.

And lastly,

At least for today,

Right,

Is complete self-reliance with no room for anyone else.

This is a big problem.

It does keep peace at bay.

You're not meant to be the only one on the island of you.

You're meant for connection,

But many fear asking for help.

Many fear letting people in.

Many people have a hard time moving past the things that cause them pain in the past and think that a new person or a new experience will just open the wound again.

And that doesn't allow peace.

All of these things,

All of these behaviors,

Feelings,

And thought patterns are really the walls that keep us from our peace.

So once you begin to identify what those things are,

Maybe it's something on the list that I just gave you.

Maybe it's something completely different,

But once you identify what's holding you in this place,

You can create an individualized workable plan to help you create peace.

There are ways to increase your peace every single day.

While the goal is to get into a state of rest that I spoke about,

We first have to get into a baseline of peace.

Remember the levels I was talking about?

We have to get into a baseline of accepting that peace is not only available for us,

But we are available to it.

So by doing these little small tools,

These small actions every day,

We build sort of this peace gratitude bone that most of us are missing.

And it allows us to get into a place where peace is always there.

So I'm going to give you some baseline practices,

Right?

Simple things.

And I'm keeping this short today because I want you to be able to use them.

I want you to actually engage in finding what is holding you back and what you can do to really change the story.

And again,

These practices allow you to go within,

And that helps you really not feel so overwhelmed or separated from that groundedness,

That rest of peace.

So these,

Again,

Are direction pointers.

They're going to help you get the baseline,

Nothing more.

Don't send me an email saying,

I did these and now I'm not peaceful.

I don't get it.

These are practices.

Remember practices mean what?

We have to do them repeatedly.

I'm giving you a few things to engage in to help you get to the baseline.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

So the first one is the 5,

4,

3,

2,

1 method.

If you have followed me on Instagram,

You may have seen something very similar to this talking about anxiety and that's the 3,

3,

3 method.

This is similar,

But it's a little bit more evolved.

The 5,

4,

3,

2,

1 method is a mindfulness tool that really helps you de-escalate your actions and reactions and physically calms the nervous system.

Remember the five masters of your life?

One of those is physical,

Right?

And we need to be physically at peace just as much as we need to be emotionally and mentally at peace,

Spiritually at peace,

Financially at peace.

So doing this will really help you go within,

Focus,

And allow your mind to not get into active negativity.

And you can change this up.

However you want to use it is fine.

This is just how I teach it.

So if you want to replace something,

Do it.

Really make it work for you.

That's all.

Those are the rules.

So let's start at the 5.

Select five things that you see around you and then I want you to describe them in great detail.

You can write them down or you can speak them out loud.

Just find the five things and really hone in your focus.

And when you're ready,

Move to number four and that is to pick four things that you can touch or feel around you.

So when I'm teaching this in session,

Just because it's kind of funny,

Right?

And it gets a good laugh from the person too.

And we don't have to take ourselves so seriously.

I will often use the example of taking your tongue and hitting the top of your mouth,

The roof of your mouth,

As something that you can touch,

Right?

And so I make the person do it and it's just kind of funny.

It's kind of a groundbreaker to get into that happy state.

You can even use your hands.

Place it against a wall or on your thighs or against a chair.

It actually doesn't matter.

Just select and touch four separate things.

Describe each of those things in your mind and just really take some mental notes about each object.

Really take it in.

And number three is to notice the things that you hear.

Listen for the sounds around you.

You might hear a phone ringing or the garbage man coming by or the hum of the air conditioner.

Doesn't matter.

Select three sounds that you actually hear.

Number two is to identify two things that you can smell.

Now,

If you are in a place that you smell absolutely nothing at all,

Pick two scents that you like and bring them forth in your mind.

For me,

I love lavender and I love pine.

So,

You know,

In my mind's eye,

I'm just bringing forth the smell of lavender and really digging into that smell.

Allow your mind to go there and concentrate on those scents.

And then when you're ready,

Go to number one,

Which is to name one thing that you can taste.

It might be the coffee that you had before you started this or the gum that's in your mouth or the snack that you just had.

Whatever it is,

What do you taste?

Finally,

When you're finished,

Take a deep breath and notice how you physically feel.

Has anything shifted for you?

And if so,

Take note in your mind what has.

Hopefully,

You're ready to begin to feel more clear-headed and calm and at rest and ready to objectively explore your thoughts and feelings that caused you stress or kept you away from your peace.

And when you know what that is or what you want to do with those feelings and thoughts,

You can move away from them or move to them,

Whatever works and serves you,

And then try to find peace within them.

This exercise is extremely simple.

It can be done anywhere,

But again,

It gets us back into that state of rest.

Outside of that particular act of practice of bringing in peace,

Try to increase your daily mindfulness.

Peace is hard to engage in if we're constantly distracted,

Right?

So challenge yourself to work uninterrupted for a few minutes.

Set some timers.

Try to increase that time each week.

You know,

When I'm not in session,

I may be working on developing a class or teaching a class or working on this podcast or a host of other things.

When I'm working on the task,

I try to stay as focused as possible.

I may even set a timer so that I stay in the zone and I have the countdown in front of me so that I can look over and think,

Okay,

I have 55 minutes.

I really need to get this done.

If your brain is not having to switch gears every few minutes,

It allows it to find rest.

It allows us to have peace.

Plus,

If we engage in mindfulness and keep ourselves distracted from those stories and those intrusive thoughts,

Guess what?

We give a green light to feel regulated.

We give a green light to feel that,

You know,

Things are more peaceful than maybe we thought before.

Remember how I said that if we give up the negatives in order to be peaceful,

We create a movement in our lives?

If we get into a habit of constantly challenging our negative thoughts,

Those negatives that I was just saying,

We help ourselves curate better thoughts.

When we give up the noise,

We bring in the calm.

How can you do that?

There's lots of podcasts that I've talked about different things,

About getting down to just the facts,

And I've talked about writing down all those negative thoughts that you've had and putting them on paper because it's incredibly insightful and helpful to really pinpoint the undertone that's happening within you and keeping you from peace.

But if that doesn't work for you,

Try to look at the negative thoughts and challenge them with the word,

But.

I can't do this,

But I am trying,

Right?

So the negative is I can't,

The positive is I'm trying.

The peaceful peace of all of that is I'm trying.

I don't want to feel this way,

But I know it's for my greatest good.

This is reframing and it helps us shift from the negative to a neutral to the positive.

Next,

Give meditation a try.

You know,

That's my jam.

I'm always going to mention that as something that's going to help you find peace.

You can make it a habit,

And it's truly one of my favorite ways to maintain my personal inner peace.

If meditation has never been your thing,

Or the idea of it is just too hard,

Go listen to episode 67.

I outline it.

I walk you through the ins and outs of meditation,

And I remove all the frustration,

All the lies that have been built up as to what meditation should be,

What it should look like.

Meditation is an individual practice.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

It doesn't have to be difficult.

If you want to give it a try,

Set aside 10 to 15 minutes.

That's all you need.

Five minutes in the beginning works too,

And what we're doing is calming the mind.

We're resting it.

We're getting into inner peace.

If you struggle with that part,

Getting your mind to slow down,

There are tons of guided meditations right here on this podcast.

You can also download Insight Timer,

Which is a free meditation app.

There are literally hundreds of thousands of meditations,

Including by yours truly,

Meditations that you're not going to find here that are on the podcast,

And listen to what works for you,

Right?

If you're working on inner peace,

Go to an inner peace guided meditation.

Meditation is a beautiful process to get into a mindful,

Peaceful state.

Figuring out what works for you is the best way to wind down and turn this into a habit,

And think about the rest.

Think about the peace that comes in those five mastery areas.

These are some of the ways to get into inner peace.

One,

Identifying what you have to let go of.

What do you need to leave behind to gain peace?

What skill set do you need?

What plan do you need to create?

What do you need?

What do you want?

How do you want to feel?

How will you get there?

Those four questions,

There they are again.

Begin to really think about what your end goal is.

In the beginning,

Remember I said most people describe inner peace by what it is not.

It is not stress.

It's not a cluttered mind.

It's not all the things that keep you bound to the background story,

But my friend,

Peace is the way.

It is the unlearning.

It is creating.

It's influencing your mind.

It's fulfillment.

It's rest.

Creating inner peace may be challenging,

But I promise you it is 1000% possible.

It is within you.

If you choose to let go of what is not serving you,

If you leave it behind,

You create peace.

Besides,

Inner peace is truly the best form of happiness.

Some battles in your life are just not worth fighting,

And when you let go,

You open so much.

I challenge you right now to make inner peace a goal.

I challenge you to let go.

I challenge you to give yourself permission.

You deserve it.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.