How To Let Go Of A Painful Pattern: A Mindset Reset

Our lives are filled with habits and patterns. Some serve us. Some don’t. Depending on where the pattern originated, whether trauma or learned, these patterns can own us and become the coping mechanisms that are our everyday behaviors. People don’t necessarily cling to old habits because they want to beat themselves up but rather because we humans stick to what’s familiar. This mindset reset shines a spotlight on your individual patterns and helps you see where and how to let go.

Transcript

Our lives are filled with habits and patterns.

Some serve us,

And some don't.

Depending on where the pattern originated,

Whether from trauma or something learned,

These patterns can actually own us and become the coping mechanisms that are our everyday behaviors.

People don't necessarily cling to old patterns because they want to beat themselves up,

But rather because we're humans and we stick with what's familiar.

Karen Crosby wrote in and said,

Danielle,

I've been working with a therapist for a little over two years now.

She's helped me realize that I have many painful patterns in my daily life that come out in the things that I do and how my relationships have been,

Yet she has not been able to help me change or let go of any of these painful patterns.

It's extremely frustrating.

I'm hoping that you can help.

You've helped me in so many other ways,

Through your podcast,

Blog,

Videos,

And Instagram posts.

Can you help me understand how to let go of painful patterns?

I mean,

I feel like I'm continually doing things that causes more harm than good,

And I want to stop it.

Karen,

First,

Thank you so much for your kind words,

And yes,

Of course I'm willing to help you.

So let's go through some basic steps.

Now,

I want to go back to what you've heard me say a million times now.

We have to go back to the fact that the brain's number one job is what?

To keep you safe.

It creates safety through the patterns it recognizes.

Maybe we haven't had that part of the conversation,

Right?

Your brain is always looking for patterns,

And the safety that it feels is found in the patterns it recognizes.

If you think a certain thought enough times,

Repeatedly,

It swiftly becomes a belief,

Right?

That belief is the pattern in which your brain measures your moments and determines the comfort level or the safety level of your experiences.

So important to understand.

Now,

Before we go any further,

Let's talk about something that Karen mentioned at the end.

She said,

I feel like I continually do things that cause more harm than good,

Even though I know that's not what I want.

The truth is,

It doesn't matter how bad we feel about doing the same thing repeatedly or our patterns.

When these are our patterns,

We often feel less anxious when we allow the pattern to flow,

Right?

We soothe ourselves by doing these behaviors rather than fight them.

The fight feels unsafe.

The fight feels like we're doing something wrong.

Leaning into the patterns and the way that we respond often feels far more comfortable.

It's why we do it.

It's our reflex.

Let's look at it like your brain's muscle memory.

It truly becomes the way that we cope in any situation.

So that's the bad news,

Right?

We have situations.

It causes us to behave a certain way.

We continually do it,

And then that's the pattern.

The good news is we can change the pattern.

That's really the excellent news.

If you know you have a pattern you want to release,

You've actually already won half of the battle.

If you crave change,

You have to understand what it is that you are changing.

So that is the first step.

I want you to know what it is that you're letting go of.

You have to name it.

What is it?

What are you struggling with?

Get finite in the details.

Get narrow in your focus.

You know,

Is this past trauma?

If so,

Write it out.

Put a name to it.

Is this your experience with food?

Your relationship with it?

If so,

Write it out.

How did this issue start?

Is it about your connection to yourself?

Whatever it is,

We cannot change what we do not focus,

Okay?

So that's step one.

Step two,

I want you to understand that everything we do,

Every single thing we do has layers.

Your behavior has layers.

So I want you to choose just one element of the habit that you have and focus on it.

Let's say you have a relationship with food that is not good.

What about this relationship causes the most struggle?

I want you to become very clear about that.

I want you to break it down and get focused in this area.

Once we focus on the detail that causes the greatest amount of problem,

The greatest issue,

Often the smaller pieces,

The smaller pieces of the issue fall away.

And the reason why is we have addressed the global situation,

The overarching situation.

The next piece is I want you to create physical distance.

It is not uncommon for us to have an issue and then continue to engage in the thing that causes the issue in the first place,

Right?

So create space,

Create physical distance.

I want you to write out how a change in physical contact or distance could support you.

How would this allow you to process?

How will this allow you to shift out of the pattern?

Many times we engage with people and things that are the triggers into the pattern and we don't even realize it.

So what would this shift do for you?

From there,

Let's set up your why.

Why do you want to make this change?

Why do you want to get out of this pattern?

How is it impacting and affecting you?

What benefit are you expecting to gain by making this change?

If you understand your why,

You give your brain something to begin to recognize as a new pattern.

So do you hear this?

When I have a bad pattern,

But I give myself a reason why I'm changing the pattern,

We begin to shift the thought and begin to allow a new pattern to form,

Okay?

So this is why I'm doing it.

This is my expected change benefit.

And from there,

We create a plan to get to that benefit.

What are the steps that you need to do to let go?

If you're working through childhood trauma,

Maybe step one is to reach out and get therapy,

Right?

Karen mentioned she's been doing that.

But what do you need to do?

Once you know,

I want you to outline the plan and then get to work.

Focusing on yourself is extremely important.

You have to make choices,

Right?

You have to make the choice to address the pattern,

The hurt,

The addiction,

Whatever it is you've experienced.

And one part of your plan is to get clear about the opposites.

Every experience has an opposite.

So what is the opposite that you could lean into to get out of the negative pattern?

If you are continually engaging in negativity and you know why,

How can you shift to the opposite of leaning into the neutral experience or the positive one?

If you know that food is your issue and you overeat,

How can you change the distance?

What's the opposite of overeating?

What's the plan,

Right?

I once asked a woman I worked with what the opposite of her situation was,

And she said,

I find myself creating my own suffering.

So I guess the opposite would be to not suffer.

That's not enough,

Right?

To not suffer is not enough.

We have to know why and get into a real true definition of the opposite,

Something that would work for us.

Not suffering really comes down to how can I thrive,

Right?

How can I show up in my life?

And then get deeper into that so that you understand what the opposite benefit would truly be to you.

What is really important to mention here is that when we look at opposites and know that there is something more for us on the other side of this work,

Often we create a flow of emotion through us.

And it's right here that most people get screwed up and they stop.

They don't allow their emotions to flow.

And when you do not allow your emotions to flow,

You can't move anything.

You have to be real with yourself.

If you have a fear of feeling negative emotions,

Guess what?

You're avoiding them and then you don't have anything to grasp onto to create the change.

You have to allow your emotions and feelings to tell you what they are trying to teach you.

What are they saying?

Allow them to come in,

Allow them to speak.

If you try to shut them out,

You disrupt the process of letting go.

Think about your negative feelings like riptides,

Like waves of the ocean.

Let them flow over you.

Let them flow through you.

Let them come out of you.

Nothing can be changed if it cannot be moved.

Okay?

Allow the emotions to speak.

Next,

I want you to gently be prepared to experience obstacles.

Know that you're going to screw up and be prepared to overcome them too.

Many's first response of not being able to let go of a situation is to criticize themselves.

That does nothing to serve you.

It's time to show yourself compassion and kindness.

You have to treat yourself like a friend.

Offer yourself love.

Understand this is where you need to be and you have to take baby steps into that.

You must know that you're going to hit a wall and not know how to get over it.

If that's the case,

You go back to step one and you move through these steps just like you would just moving through one habit,

One pattern.

You have the answer and it all comes back to choice.

You have to be prepared for the setback.

I don't actually like to call it setbacks.

I like to call it pins in our progress,

Right?

Like pins in the timeline.

Are we putting a pin in a place that we need to restart?

Are we in a place that we need more information or maybe we need to gather more strength?

It's here that we can plan for a victory because we can pull the pin out and start again.

In planning that victory,

We move on to the next step and that is to celebrate the hell,

The hell out of every small movement in the releasing.

Maybe it's trauma that you're releasing.

If you've experienced a full day without thinking about the event,

Guess what?

That's progress.

That's a celebration waiting to be had.

When we're creating new patterns,

Guess what?

We are releasing.

We want to tell the brain that the new habit and process is our go-to and when we celebrate,

It tells the brain,

Hey,

This is how we are going to show up.

We're creating the new space for ourselves and in all of this,

I want you to give yourself permission to talk about it.

When you're dealing with painful feelings or situations,

It's important to give yourself permission to speak.

Sometimes in our letting go process,

All we really need to do is to feel heard.

Sometimes we just need someone else to know our story.

Talking it out is so important.

Do it with someone you trust in a safe space where you know your feelings and your words and your experience will be honored,

But give yourself permission to talk.

Give yourself permission to release.

And then lastly,

You have to access forgiveness.

What does that mean,

Access forgiveness?

It means,

Is it even possible for you?

For some,

For some events,

Moments,

Behaviors,

There's just no way in our mind to actually access forgiveness and that's okay.

You don't always have to have forgiveness in play to move on.

Okay?

I want you to really hear that.

You don't always have to have forgiveness in order to move on.

Many people say that you do,

But there are a lot of events in our lives that we can't offer forgiveness to and we can still progress.

We can still move on.

So these are the steps.

What amount of acceptance do you have and how will you create a plan?

How will you show up?

How do you want to feel?

Will you give yourself permission and then move forward?

The truth is,

Behavior is the coping mechanism that helps us get through the moment.

Sometimes we want to offer a lot of blame,

But sometimes it's just what we needed in order to help us move on.

It's okay.

So now that you're in this space,

What are you willing to do?

What will you do for yourself that allows you to let go?

You deserve to change patterns that don't work for you,

Right?

You don't need to be stuck.

You can open the door and thrive.

So where are you today?

What can you let go of?

What new choices can you make?

Because that is what this comes down to.

Choice.

I no longer choose to keep patterns in my life that no longer serve me.

I choose different.

I choose better.

I choose me.

Doing so is an essential step into gaining new experiences.

So I challenge all of you to do that.

Karen,

I hope this answered your question and helps serve you in leaning into a space where you can make new choices through letting go.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.